Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
One thing I learned when my middle child was around 8 years old...don't say 'NO' automatically!
When a child asks to do something or asks a question in general, sometimes it's easier for the parent to just say 'no', without even completely comprehending the question. Instead, I learned to ask my own questions first.
For instance, about clothing; if my daughter asked if she could wear 'this' (whatever 'this' was) to school, and I thought it was inappropriate, instead of answering with 'no', I'd ask her something like "hmmm, do you think those things go together?' or 'how about if it gets cold later in the day?'. Then let her explain to me her reasoning.
I think that helps kids to reason out and think about what they are doing and why.
My kids are eight years apart. With the older one, cursing was absolutely forbidden. We didn't curse in front of him and he certainly didn't curse in front of us.
As usually happens, we got more lax with the younger one. We told him he could use mild curse words when he was 14, but only at home. What a mistake. He does it all the time, even in public sometimes. It's just become second nature unfortunately. Wish I could go back in time and stick to the "no cursing" rule. Now it's an ongoing daily battle.
I wanted to share this story because I THOUGHT I was a seasoned parent when I made this decision and that I wouldn't make any new mistakes at this point. Wrong.
This is a hoot. You think that a no cursing rule would keep your son from cursing? Funniest thing I've heard all day.
But if you want, why can't you go back to the no cursing rule? What's from preventing you from saying, "You know, I didn't think I'd be offended by your swearing at home but I am. So stop it." Then get out a swear jar and make him give you 25 cents for every cuss word.
My older went through a big swearing stage in HS, then outgrew it. My younger and her peers are doing the same thing now.
I'm a young parent and would like advice from the masses of something i ponder sometimes.
My kiddos are young and already so much has changed in my perceptions on how to parent them. The parent i thought i would be and the parent i am are two different people. I'm learning a lot about my kids and myself in the process.
I have a tendency to over think and overplan my children's lives, education, future, and even clothing (no picking your own weird outfit in my home...at least not if you plan on going outside .... ) which is leading to some i suspect unnecessary stress in my life. I know this.... but i seem to be that way anyway.
At the risk on internet judgement, what would you seasoned parents have done differently with your kids if you knew then what you know now? Especially with planning their future and education. I have no village ( older relatives with more experience than i ) that i can ask so any input will be greatly appreciated! I'd like to learn from other people's lessons and mistakes even.
Thanks in advance.
Of course, it depends on a lot of factors. I had a friend who micromanaged her children/home. Our daughters spent a LOT of time together from age 5-13. I remember asking the daughter if she would be interested in doing some sort of activity with us. She said "I'll have to ask my mom". I said "No, I didn't mean would you have permission, I mean, is that sort of activity something you'd like to do". She said "I don't know. I'll have to ask my mom." What kind of 13 year old doesn't have some ideas of her own?
I've seen kids who are micromanaged end up in one of two ways. 1) they have no motivation of their own and do nothing if not prodded to do so. OR 2) they end up getting as far away from micromanaging parent as possible and leave them old and alone. I've seen both happen, many, many times.
My youngest is 16. Yesterday we went to DC to sightsee. She couldn't decide on which shoes. I said, wear one of each! And she did.
Your job as a parent is not to make your children's lives perfect. Nor is it to bask in the reflected glow of their perfection, proof of your superior parenting. Your job is to raise them to learn from their own mistakes and experiences and to make good choices in their own right. Your instinct is correct. If you are feeling stressed about keeping everything just so, you need to find a few things to stop trying to control.
This is a hoot. You think that a no cursing rule would keep your son from cursing? Funniest thing I've heard all day.
But if you want, why can't you go back to the no cursing rule? What's from preventing you from saying, "You know, I didn't think I'd be offended by your swearing at home but I am. So stop it." Then get out a swear jar and make him give you 25 cents for every cuss word.
My older went through a big swearing stage in HS, then outgrew it. My younger and her peers are doing the same thing now.
Yeah, we started a rule that when he curses (the major curse words), he loses his phone for 24 hrs. We'll see how it goes.
I wanted to echo what Coldjensens said about having a strong marriage. I think this cannot be overstated. I have always felt that we are modeling behavior for their future marriages. We go on dates, we go for walks together and buy each other small random gifts.
We back up each other's decisions. (I've had to really bite my tongue a few times when I thought Mr Book Lover was too strict).
We try very hard not to argue in front of them. We definitely don't drag the kids into our arguments.
There are three quotes that my kids will always remember from me:
"Life isn't fair - get used to it."
"Don't compare yourself to the worst. Compare yourself to the best."
"Is what you are doing right now making your life better? Or worse?"
I have a tendency to over think and overplan my children's lives, education, future, and even clothing (no picking your own weird outfit in my home...at least not if you plan on going outside .... ) which is leading to some i suspect unnecessary stress in my life. I know this.... but i seem to be that way anyway.
.
We tried the "what to wear" battles and realized they just are to worth it. Let them express themselves. What difference does it make?
Our first daughters (twins) the most they ever did to express themselves early on was to insist on switching the colors we assigned to them so we could tell them apart. Later they adopted their own unique styles, but simple things. One always wore a beret. One never ever wore pants. Really never anything to argue about there. They were never fashionistas. Eventually in college one needed fancy dresses on a regular basis for solo performances. We found a store that resold all those worn once concert or prom dresses for a fraction of the price. She did not care that the $600 dress she was wearing only cost $125. Usually we could sell it back for $50 or so after the performance, or trade it for credit toward the next one.
Middle daughter and middle son - different story. Middle daughter has always been completely her own person. By age 3 she insisted on dressing like a bag lady. Multiple layers of mismatched clothing, sometimes inside out (she cannot tolerate seams), sometimes underwear on the outside. We finally gave up She was 3, dressing oddly is cute. Screaming and crying for seven hours because she could not dress as she pleased, is not cute. We learned to pick our battles.
She outgrew the bag lady phase, but never the unique style. In jr and high school she wore cloaks or capes in lieu of coats. She wore silk scarves all the time somewhere on her (hair, neck waist etc), she wore unusual boots. Nothing wired or sexy, just unique. Not a problem.
Next came our first son. He became well known for wearing one blue and one yellow rubber rain boot - everywhere, all the time. It did not hurt anything and it became his signature. Then came Jr. High and high school where nothing but aeropostle or American Eagle would ever touch his body. We could buy other brands, but he would just wear his old worn out American Eagle shirt every day. That was more annoying than the mismatched rain boots. We finally discovered those brands are plentiful at Salvation Army boutique stores, and the problem was solved. He outgrew that phase.
Our youngest never really had odd clothing choices. He does sport a unique hair style, but it appears he is giving that up. Of course he always had plenty of handed down aeropostle and American Eagle. He seems to like lumber jack shirts, but pretty much wears whatever someone buys him as long as it is not wierd. He is moving toward a unique style for jazz performances. Not sure whether he will adopt that in everyday life - probably not.
They all seem to develop their singature style ranging form subtle to outrageous. why not let them?
I have step kids in their mid 50s, the first set of kids in their mid 30s and the last set of kids are 14. I think I have a very good perspective.
For the older ones I would have taught them more about birth control and STDs.
(automatically did that with our first two and are teaching the 2 fourteen year old now about that)
I would not have sacrificed so much of myself and my own identity to raise them. I should have worked harder for a better balance.
As far as clothes go I have to disagree with OP on this one. I have one now who simply does not care about her personal appearance. I have to run behind her with a comb every morning. I used to send her back upstairs when she showed up with strange outfits.
Then I realized I was more concerned about how her appearance reflected on me instead of her. maybe this is her way of expressing herself, finding her own style, not giving a hoot about material and superficial things? I had to let go and realize when it bothers her she will do something about it and not before. She knows how I feel and she has been taught how to properly put outfits together but she simply does not care. OK I just gasp and let it go.
What I try to remember with my kids (middle schoolers) is that my job is to help them become self sufficient adults. In order to do that I can't manage them to death. They have to learn to fail, make their own decisions and do their own laundry I can't be the mom who drives back to school to pick up the missing homework...although I really want to.
Kids, even young children, are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for. Let your kids choose their own clothing, make their own sandwiches, clean their own rooms, forget their coats and their lunches.
If I had the chance to go back and do the little years again I would give my children more of a chance to be independent, cuddle them more, and forgive myself for not being perfect.
I have a tendency to over think and overplan my children's lives, education, future, and even clothing (no picking your own weird outfit in my home...at least not if you plan on going outside .... ) which is leading to some i suspect unnecessary stress in my life. I know this.... but i seem to be that way anyway.
It can be a challenge to find that sweet spot between too much parental input and not enough.
Over the past three years, I've sent two kids off to college and another is a high school senior in the process of choosing a college. Part of the overarching college quest was grades. I monitored their grades closely online in 9th and 10th grades, eased off somewhat in 11th grade, and stopped entirely in 12th grade. I let them know I was doing this. They were gradually set off to get and maintain grades on their own.
For college visits, I have never accompanied my children on their tours. Often, my touring child was the only one in their group that didn't have a parent in tow. But I always wanted my kids to know that they had to be the ones to ask the questions, and to understand what questions needed to be asked in the first place. Instinctually, I wanted to be there. But they needed to make those choices for themselves. They needed to entirely own their college choices, and to be prepared for beginning to lead their own lives rather than have them led for them.
Sometimes, it's harder not to parent than to parent.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
) which is leading to some i suspect unnecessary stress in my life. I know this.... but i seem to be that way anyway.
I can't be the mom who drives back to school to pick up the missing homework...although I really want to.
