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That is really amazing! I don't want to say how much we paid for our daughter's wedding, but it was well less than half that, 4 years ago, for a wedding in Red Rocks Park in Denver https://www.google.com/search?q=red+...OgEOoOjfeQM%3A (not her wedding but same venue). That was only $500 because it's a Denver city park. We had a reception for ~ 100 at a nearby country club. We did have open bar all evening. They (DD and her DH) did pay for some things, but still.
I think most of the advice about this has been great.
It might be location. If you want to have a wedding reception in a nice hotel in a major city, the venue costs an arm and a leg. They often make you use their venders, so you cant do a lot of budgeting there. It can get way out of hand really fast.
The bar issue is another one. If you can buy your own liquor/wine/beer and just hire a bartender, its WAAAAAAAAAY cheaper then hiring a company to do so and charge a premium for the alcohol. I worked at a 80th birthday party that had about 100 people and an open bar and I overheard they paid 10k just for the open bar, plus a hefty tip for the bartender.
It might be location. If you want to have a wedding reception in a nice hotel in a major city, the venue costs an arm and a leg. They often make you use their venders, so you cant do a lot of budgeting there. It can get way out of hand really fast.
The bar issue is another one. If you can buy your own liquor/wine/beer and just hire a bartender, its WAAAAAAAAAY cheaper then hiring a company to do so and charge a premium for the alcohol. I worked at a 80th birthday party that had about 100 people and an open bar and I overheard they paid 10k just for the open bar, plus a hefty tip for the bartender.
I'm only quoting you because you mentioned location in a major city.
When DH and I were getting married about 15 years ago we were living in the DC area. I had picked a Hyatt to have the wedding and reception but they called about 8 months before the wedding and said that they had "accidentally" double booked the day and couldn't have my wedding there. We think a bigger party came in and was going to spend more. So, they offered to find me a different venue. We ended up here:
The Hyatt didn't compensate us. They gave the deposit back and that's it. I think it was 12K (120 people) for the dinner(we did buffet)open bar,cake and the ceremony room (I had a priest as a civil celebrant marry us). the flowers were about $2500 and my mom covered those as a friend of hers did them professionally and she gave us a discount. DH and I paid for the DJ/Photographer and Videographer (it was a package deal and it was a great price back then maybe $2K), the civil celebrant fee to the county plus we paid the civil celebrant (who was a co-worker of mine taking time off from the priesthood)my dress, wedding favors, and harpist (ceremony music and cocktail hour). Together between us all we paid maybe just under 20K for it all.
We know someone with 4 daughters. Their parents gave each girl what they could afford at the time of the weddings. I believe each one got around 5K. All the girls did something different. One was married on a Sunday in the morning because that was cheapest to go the route her and her husband wanted. One was married in Central Park and then went to dinner at a restaurant with her immediate family and a couple of friends. One did the BWW wedding a year or so ago and it was beautiful as she is very creative though she did pick and choose the things that were important to her and her husband.
OP - Sit down with your daughter and her fiance and his parents (if you have that relationship) and let them know what you can afford to contribute if any. Have his parents do the same and then you ALL will be on the same page. It's one day and while it's magical it only lasts a short time.
I also think the parent paying for the wedding tradition is a bit outdated, especially where (in my neck of the woods) people are delaying marriage until their 30's.
I got married at 35, and there's just no way I'd ever expect my parents to chip in for that. Same with my wife. We paid for it ourselves and budgeted for what we thought was reasonable.
We have kids, we bought a house. I'd rather throw $40K into the house/kids than a 1 day party that can be done for much cheaper.
My husbands grandma helped pay for our wedding ( under $1000) BUT we paid for our vow renewal. I HATED that she paid for it because i had NO say AT ALL.
Be upfront and honest about what you can afford and give what you can. Let them figure it out from there...maybe the groom's family will chip in a bit or maybe they will fund it themselves. Or maybe they decide to do a courthouse wedding or elope.
We have 4 kids 15,16,17, and 24 life is super busy!! So, our oldest didn't follow the stereotypical (or not so stereotypical) template of college, meet a boy, engage, graduate, job, married.
She did, college, drop out, etc etc etc etc etc has turned her life around magnificently since 20yrs old and has been living with her BF for 3.5 years now. Neither graduated college, no kids, but they want to get married!!!
We are excited (in theory), but the facts are with a soph, junior, and senior in highschool college apps, where are they going to school, cars, insurance (they are helping), just expensive teenagers there is no WEDDING FUND.
No one in her immediate family has ever done the "medium/big" wedding thing before. It has always been the Justice of the Peace or small Church wedding and backyard reception. She is okay with this sort of, but her future hubby is use to the BIG SHOW. He is the baby boy and his sisters all had the Destination wedding or 400 person reception hall wedding and that is what he wants too. So, he can show everyone he is not a screw up. He comes from a huge family while our daughters family there might be 25 of us immediate including kids. My daughter is okay with in the middle maybe "150-200" people.
Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" which rubs me the wrong way and
NO, I don't like him very much, spoiled do much of nothing 28yr old imo, but that is a story for another day.
We (as a family) went on a epic vacation over the summer to Europe for almost 3 weeks that we just got done paying that off and brought our oldest along paid her way(she wasn't expecting that). Which may be why he says that.
In your case I think a family meeting is in order to explain just these facts of life. There are several reasons for this. First, the obvious, that it is the truth. The second, less obvious one is that the future son-in-law may be assuming that the bride's parents are, let's put it delicately, a "safety net" resource for the future. At age 24 he and/or his future bride may well think that. If unavailable financial support is needed to keep the new family, including likely babies financially secure they may need to know several things. One is that a "blowout" wedding drains those kinds of resources. And two, the money just may not be there.
When I got married in 1991, I had just turned 34 years old. There were also some tensions about the size and scope of the wedding, and I was the one wanting a bigger one. We ultimately had about 30 people. What wound up happening was the bride's father invited me to a meeting at the law office at which he was a partner starting about 10:00 p.m. on night in December 1990. The meeting ran till about 4:00 a.m. He laid out for me some facts of life. One was that his relationship with the bride's stepfather and to a lesser extent his ex-wife was hostile and he didn't want to entertain them or their friends. The other was that an unspecified amount of money could be either downpayment assistance for a house when we deemed ourselves ready, or could go into the wedding. For me that was an easy choice. He did vow that he would never allow us to be foreclosed upon or evicted. While our finances never reached that level my father-in-law has been good to his word on everything in the 25+ years since we married and our almost exactly 26 years since that meeting.
I am now not a fan of "blowout" weddings or Bar Mitzvahs since they do deplete funds that may at some point be seriously needed for other, more important things.
As for the family vacation, that may have sent the wrong signals. But it should be made clear that it was paid for "on the installment plan." Personally, my wife and I pay for everything up front, with our only debt our mortgage, which is now very little.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wilsonthedog
The fact of the matter is with the siblings where they are in life, my wife is already going to France with her Dad, Daughter starting college in Aug, the money is all allotted for this year.
I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.
Please advise the couple in question is 24 and 28.
My vote would be for them to put the wedding (and any kids) off. But the payoff should be downpayment assistance about a year or two after the wedding, when they know they are likely to remain married.
You have 4 kids. Common sense indicates you set the precedent now. $1K per kid as a wedding gift. Just imagine if you give in and spend the big bucks on kid #1. What happens when #2-4 expect the same thing? You will die broke under a bridge with your kids arguing over who gets the shopping cart.
I applaud you for spending your money on their education and family vacations to make memories together. Fact is marriage #1 for daughter #1 will probably end in disaster as SIL#1 expects you to buy them a house, a car, take them on vacation, buy all the gear for their kids etc. Your money is not his for the taking. Maybe you will be lucky and he will reconsider marriage to daughter #1 when he figures out he doesn't get to partake in the family gravy train.
Fact is a big wedding isn't going to show everyone in his family he isn't a screw up. They already know he is a screw up so don't allow him to ruin your finances also.
You can easily sit future SIL#1 down and explain that while big weddings may be a thing in his family in your family they are not. Ask them how much they want to spend on the wedding and how they plan to pay for it. If my guess is right you and your wife are going to need to spend alot of time talking to them about financial issues so might as well start now.
In the south $100 a head with venue priced in can be super nice, so 20k for 200 40k for 400 is the general rule of thumb.
To put that $20,000 into perspective. Our son was married in his bride's hometown, a high cost of living city.
The rehearsal dinner--yes, the event that is held after the rehearsal and is only open to the wedding party and a few very close relatives-- cost almost $20,000. While the rehearsal dinner is traditional paid for by the groom's parents there was absolutely no way that we could afford that cost. So, we paid part of it (some in cash and some on a charge card which took forever to pay off), our son paid for some of it and the bride's parents paid for most of it.
The difference in costs between cities is absolutely amazing. In your city $20,000 for a wedding for 200 people. In a HCOL city almost $20,000 just for the rehearsal dinner! I shudder to think about what the actual wedding cost. BTW, although we had bottles of inexpensive champagne for the toasts, it was a cash bar if people wanted to order actual drinks or wine. That was a little embarrassing but there was no way that we could have afforded extra drinks, too. This took place several years ago I am still stunned by the cost.
I think the amount you're obliged to contribute is a big fat zero dollars, but contributing something, if you can afford it, is a kind way to demonstrate your support for your daughter's relationship. The tradition of the bride's parents paying for a big wedding is outdated like dowries are, but a token financial contribution is a nice nod to it. As others have suggested, I'd just settle on the amount you can/are willing to pay, tell your daughter frankly, and let her and her fiance work out the rest.
Technically true, but that's a poor way to put it, to the prospective bride and groom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa
In your case I think a family meeting is in order to explain just these facts of life. There are several reasons for this. First, the obvious, that it is the truth. The second, less obvious one is that the future son-in-law may be assuming that the bride's parents are, let's put it delicately, a "safety net" resource for the future. At age 24 he and/or his future bride may well think that. If unavailable financial support is needed to keep the new family, including likely babies financially secure they may need to know several things. One is that a "blowout" wedding drains those kinds of resources. And two, the money just may not be there.
<snip>
I am now not a fan of "blowout" weddings or Bar Mitzvahs since they do deplete funds that may at some point be seriously needed for other, more important things.
As for the family vacation, that may have sent the wrong signals. But it should be made clear that it was paid for "on the installment plan." Personally, my wife and I pay for everything up front, with our only debt our mortgage, which is now very little.
My vote would be for them to put the wedding (and any kids) off. But the payoff should be downpayment assistance about a year or two after the wedding, when they know they are likely to remain married.
The groom may think the bride's parents are wealthier than they are, but I hate to impugn people's motives and jump to conclusions like that.
Your vote is your vote, but I don't really understand it. People get married at all ages, and the groom is actually 28. That's how old my SIL was when he and my DD got married, and he had a pretty level head on his shoulders at the time. The babies will come when they will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mic111
You have 4 kids. Common sense indicates you set the precedent now. $1K per kid as a wedding gift. Just imagine if you give in and spend the big bucks on kid #1. What happens when #2-4 expect the same thing? You will die broke under a bridge with your kids arguing over who gets the shopping cart.
I applaud you for spending your money on their education and family vacations to make memories together. Fact is marriage #1 for daughter #1 will probably end in disaster as SIL#1 expects you to buy them a house, a car, take them on vacation, buy all the gear for their kids etc. Your money is not his for the taking. Maybe you will be lucky and he will reconsider marriage to daughter #1 when he figures out he doesn't get to partake in the family gravy train.
Fact is a big wedding isn't going to show everyone in his family he isn't a screw up. They already know he is a screw up so don't allow him to ruin your finances also.
You can easily sit future SIL#1 down and explain that while big weddings may be a thing in his family in your family they are not. Ask them how much they want to spend on the wedding and how they plan to pay for it. If my guess is right you and your wife are going to need to spend alot of time talking to them about financial issues so might as well start now.
#1: Yes and no. We have two daughters. When the first one got married, we knew we were setting some sort of a precedent. (Well, I did anyway, DH tends not to think about such things.) However, as parents have said for millennia, "fair doesn't always mean the same". I'm not saying have some big extravaganza for one and insist the other get married by a JP or in the pastor's office and go to McDonald's afterward, Dutch treat. But the four of them may all want different types of weddings, someone's fiance's parents might be willing to put up more, etc. People's financial circumstances change, too. It's ironic that over the years, while we never tried to be "tit for tat" with our kids, it's all worked out pretty evenly. If #2 wants a more modest wedding, we'll find some way to make it up to her.
I also think you have no idea how much weddings cost if you think $1000 is a goodly amount to give them. Can it be done for that? Sure? Is that what most people want? I don't think so. Of course, if that's all the parents can afford, as indicated in the OP, that has to be it. The couple can then supplement. Maybe the DD buys her own dress, etc.
#2: Where does that come from? It's not in the OP! OP is all about wedding.
#3: Totally uncalled for! That's not in the OP, either. In point of fact, about 50% of people who start college don't graduate, a figure that has not changed in >50 years.
#4: Again, not the best way to start out a relationship.
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