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Both daughter and future SIL are treating her parents like an ATM. His comment that they can afford it never should have made it to their ears. Daughter should have put the brakes on his pick pocketing right when that comment came out of his mouth. Her telling her parents about his big dreams is her way of angling for the $s also. They both don't seem grounded in financial reality while the OP seems to have a good head on his/her shoulders for finances.
I didn't see anywhere in the OP's post that their daughter wants more than $1,000 that was offered for the wedding.
Nobody can force you to pay. I think it's okay to offer a small amount for a wedding. Just bear in mind, though, that the major decisions about the wedding planning and details should be made by the bride and groom since they will be paying for most of it.
I didn't see anywhere in the OP's post that their daughter wants more than $1,000 that was offered for the wedding.
Because someone is making this case to the OP. It isn't the future SIL. It is the daughter. The OP also says "My daughter is okay with in the middle maybe "150-200" people." OP further says in subsequent post that in his area 200 people is $20K. The only way all this drama is created is if the daughter is angling for a bigger wedding than is customary in her family. Otherwise the conversation would have occurred between her and fiance without all this information coming back to OP trying to make the case for a bigger wedding. If she accepted the $1K none of this other stuff would be being said.
Because someone is making this case to the OP. It isn't the future SIL. It is the daughter. The OP also says "My daughter is okay with in the middle maybe "150-200" people." OP further says in subsequent post that in his area 200 people is $20K. The only way all this drama is created is if the daughter is angling for a bigger wedding than is customary in her family. Otherwise the conversation would have occurred between her and fiance without all this information coming back to OP trying to make the case for a bigger wedding. If she accepted the $1K none of this other stuff would be being said.
I don't think he ever offered her the 1K. Where does it say that he did?
Quotes from OP:
"I could give a $1000 and that is about it....I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! ! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs."
Pulling an extra $1K out of an already stressed budget seem pretty darn nice to me. The only appropriate response of daughter and future SIL is "Thanks. We know things are tight but will figure something out ourselves." Hopefully the $1K is coming out of the eating out budget and not medical emergency budget.
"Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" "
People who spend other people's money always think that the party with money can afford it and therefore should help out the party without money. This is future SIL's attitude and will likely spill over into other financial wants that he has in the future.
"...and that is what he wants too. So, he can show everyone he is not a screw up."
The OP thinks he is trying to prove he isn't a screw up by having a big lavish wedding. My comment has nothing to do with college or no college, merely with the OP's understanding of the future SIL's motive.
Both daughter and future SIL are treating her parents like an ATM. His comment that they can afford it never should have made it to their ears. Daughter should have put the brakes on his pick pocketing right when that comment came out of his mouth. Her telling her parents about his big dreams is her way of angling for the $s also. They both don't seem grounded in financial reality while the OP seems to have a good head on his/her shoulders for finances.
I agree and I said as much.
Perhaps the BF got the idea the parents were loaded from the fancy vaycay.
OP doesn't like the guy, either, which is common with fathers re: daughters BFs. Generally has nothing to do with the guy. I've seen enough of this in my own family.
I am always floored, I'll say, at adults of a certain age (my age) who have so little savings. I mean, a wedding is optional, but what if they did need to fork out a few thou for some medical emergency?
Perhaps the BF got the idea the parents were loaded from the fancy vaycay.
OP doesn't like the guy, either, which is common with fathers re: daughters BFs. Generally has nothing to do with the guy. I've seen enough of this in my own family.
I am always floored, I'll say, at adults of a certain age (my age) who have so little savings. I mean, a wedding is optional, but what if they did need to fork out a few thou for some medical emergency?
Whether the parents are loaded or not doesn't change the SIL being entitled to his dream wedding on their dime. He isn't whether they are Bill and Melinda Gates or Homer and Marge Simpson.
Parents who are saving to put their 4 kids through college are to be commended. Budgeting and paying for a fancy vacation that is their (the parent's) dream is appropriate.
I hope they stick to their guns and don't let anyone badger or try to shame them into spending their money or going into debt for something that in the grand scheme is really just a huge waste of money.
Perhaps the BF got the idea the parents were loaded from the fancy vaycay.
OP doesn't like the guy, either, which is common with fathers re: daughters BFs. Generally has nothing to do with the guy. I've seen enough of this in my own family.
I am always floored, I'll say, at adults of a certain age (my age) who have so little savings. I mean, a wedding is optional, but what if they did need to fork out a few thou for some medical emergency?
I know that if someone that I knew took a three week European vacation, with their entire family including an adult child, I would more likely suspect that they were wealthy than they had scrimped and saved for many, many years to afford the trip.
Regarding only having $1,000 saved. I read it more like they only had $1,000 extrain their budget right now. The OP may have college funds for their other children or an emergency medical fund but why should they take funds away from their other children education to help pay for another child's wedding?
I know that if someone that I knew took a three week European vacation, with their entire family including an adult child, I would more likely suspect that they were wealthy than they had scrimped and saved for many, many years to afford the trip.
Regarding only having $1,000 saved. I read it more like they only had $1,000 extrain their budget right now. The OP may have college funds for their other children or an emergency medical fund but why should they take funds away from their other children education to help pay for another child's wedding?
Aaaaaack! This thread is driving me batty! Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound! See this: Most Americans have less than $1,000 in savings - MarketWatch
Now, I'm not making assumptions or casting aspersions, just saying, lots of people have very little in savings. Yes, the OP does seem stretched financially and one kid will be going to college next year.
And for the third ( I think) time, I've said that if that's all the parents can afford, that's what they should give. Let me add this time-I don't think people should borrow money for a wedding. I hope that by now my position is clear.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 12-12-2016 at 08:14 PM..
22 years ago, our only daughter got married at church, and had a reception at a nice country club, with a sit down dinner, open bar and hors d'ouvres for an hour, and wine or beer thereafter. We told her our budget was $5000. We had 150 people and only went over by $400.
Sure, that was a long time ago, but the point is we arrived at a balance between being good hosts and our budget. It can still be done.
Now, with the same $5000. we might be in a barn with a pig on a spit, or some food trucks, and a bluegrass band, but the most important thing is including the people who care about the couple and making sure everyone has enough to eat and a good time.
Some bluegrass bands would pay to play.
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