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Well, they never told us that they didn't like her discussing potential plans with the kids
That's because, to most people, it's common sense to ask the parents first. All kids like doing fun things. To tell them you have a great plan for XXX activity only to later say "actually your mom said no" is really mean to both the kid and parents. It makes the parents out to be the bad guy in the kid's eyes. It's very rude and undermines the parents.
Whatever the reason, your SIL doesn't want to leave the kids with your wife. That's all that matters so your wife should stop asking.
I have a friend who would not let her children go with anyone but her own mother. Not with her SILs, not with her friends, not with anyone. I always thought it was a little strange, but that's her business.
Your sister in law appears to have boundaries which your wife seems determined to ignore. Talking about plans with the kids before discussing with the parents? Usurping parental activities like taking the kids to see Santa?
Your wife has been too pushy and her seeming refusal to accept no as an answer is not making her any fans. She needs to step way back and give it some time and then start slowly - by trying to make plans which include the whole family and see how it goes. Maybe she'll be able to win your sister in law over in time, but your wife has dug herself quite a hole here to climb out of.
I'm with OP here. It's weird and there must be more to the story. As an aunt, I do all sorts of things with my siblings' kids and vice versa. It's entirely normal to have their kids over, take them places, etc. maybe not to Santa OP, ask your bro what the real issue is.
Does the mom leave her kids with anyone? I was, admittedly, a paranoid mom when my kids were little and I didn't feel comfortable with leaving them with anyone if I could avoid it. The whole time they were away, I worried. So people think they might have been offering me a break, but really they were just offering me a stresscation.
That said, when I did leave my kids with my husband's family, I wasn't pleased with the outcome. Like one night I let my husband's aunt babysit our little ones with one of our teenagers there. When I got home there were several empty cans of strong beer out. When asking the teenager, the aunt had brought beer for her and our teenager to enjoy while watching the kids. This was normal for his side of the family, but it was NOT ok with me. Honestly, it was very normal for them which was a big part of why I didn't like to have them baby sit.
Another normal for them was to allow the little kids in bed with adult family members. I am more then happy to let m kids in bed with me and my husband, but thats as far as it goes. It was a normal custom for their family, but it made me uncomfortable.
I once let my mom watch my daughter for a short period of time, when I got back my mom had allowed over her friend who had previously been accused of sexual abuse of a child. I was told it didn't happen, it was part of a divorce fight. But I had been clear he wasn't to be allowed around my daughter without me IN THE ROOM. But sometimes older family members think they know better.
So it could be linked to a difference of opinion in child raising, too.
After a bad divorce a few years ago, I met a really great woman who has 4 adult children of her own from a previous marriage. She really loves kids and is an excellent mother. She brings their kids presents when we visit and always makes it a point to talk to them and sit with them. She even helps get their plates ready and does so much to help out. She totally understands what it is like to have young children. Every time she asks my brothers wife when she can have their kids over to our house for either a sleep over or go to take them somewhere (like a playground, movie, etc) the excuse is she has to ask her husband and ultimately the answer is always pushed off and not really answered. At a recent family gathering she asks my sister in front of her husband (my brother) and he didn't seem to mind but she chimes in and stated that they have plans the few days that my wife suggested. She then excused himself from the table and my wife felt very offended but left it at that. The rest of the time was fine, but whenever the conversation shifts to the kids, my brothers wife gets very uncomfortable (you can see it on her face). My wife is an excellent caregiver and has so much experience with children. She just wants their children to be comfortable with her because she really misses when her kids were that age, and after all they are her nieces and nephew. Now that the holiday season is here, my wife wants to take the kids Christmas shopping at the mall and to see Santa. I am not sure the correct way for us to approach them in regards to this. I asked my brother awhile back if there was a problem between his wife and my wife and he said he didn't think so. My wife really wants to call her and point blank ask if she just doesn't trust her or what the deal is. My wife is very trustworthy and it really irks her that there is this doubt cast upon her. Any advice would be appreciated.
Your wife needs to take a hint. They have no intention of letting her take the kids on outings or have them for sleepovers. They don't owe her or you an explanation. They don't owe her anything, including loaning out their kids because your wife misses hers.
I'm sure your wife has good intentions, but taking the kids to see Santa is a parent thing, not an aunt thing. There could be any number of reasons that she isn't comfortable leaving them with your wife.
They may not feel they know her well enough.
They may not like leaving them with anyone at all.
She or you or both might have some kind of personality quirk, habit, belief that they don't share.
They way to approach it is not to. She needs to stop asking. At this point, the ball is in your SIL and brother's court.
Does the mom leave her kids with anyone? I was, admittedly, a paranoid mom when my kids were little and I didn't feel comfortable with leaving them with anyone if I could avoid it. The whole time they were away, I worried. So people think they might have been offering me a break, but really they were just offering me a stresscation.
That said, when I did leave my kids with my husband's family, I wasn't pleased with the outcome. Like one night I let my husband's aunt babysit our little ones with one of our teenagers there. When I got home there were several empty cans of strong beer out. When asking the teenager, the aunt had brought beer for her and our teenager to enjoy while watching the kids. This was normal for his side of the family, but it was NOT ok with me. Honestly, it was very normal for them which was a big part of why I didn't like to have them baby sit.
Another normal for them was to allow the little kids in bed with adult family members. I am more then happy to let m kids in bed with me and my husband, but thats as far as it goes. It was a normal custom for their family, but it made me uncomfortable.
I once let my mom watch my daughter for a short period of time, when I got back my mom had allowed over her friend who had previously been accused of sexual abuse of a child. I was told it didn't happen, it was part of a divorce fight. But I had been clear he wasn't to be allowed around my daughter without me IN THE ROOM. But sometimes older family members think they know better.
So it could be linked to a difference of opinion in child raising, too.
I know she drops off the kids sometimes with my parents and her parents and she has a sister who has kids the same age and they are over there often, but more or less she is a stay at home mom.
I think she just wants to feel included in their family. She loves their kids dearly, and wants to be involved in their life
Could she ask to be included in an outing with them instead of excluding the parents? "Are you going to take the kids to see Santa? I'd love to go with you, if you are." Even that is kind of awkward if the SIL doesn't like your wife for whatever reason.
Well, they never told us that they didn't like her discussing potential plans with the kids
They shouldn't have to. That's something my MIL would do - tell the kids she's going to take them somewhere without checking with us first. It's so annoying because then I have to be the bad guy and say no.
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OP, ask your bro what the real issue is.
