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Seven of nine.... Thank you. It's a tough balance to both not be blinded from having a merciful heart and also not being blinded from what I need to do for his best interest and that of my daughter as well. I have to balance it carefully.
Elmonellie... Thank you, something like that is what I am working on. It will need to be signed and he will have a copy. It will lay out the top 5 problems and the expectations, it will lay out the rules and list the privileges and consequences attached.
Ummm cpg... before you go condemning and judging perhaps making sure you read accurately would help.
1. I did not encourage my son to quit a job for no good reason. He was working as a mechanic and getting paid flag rate only which means only per car they gave him to work on. He would go in and put 10 to 12 hour days and end up with 3-4 hours pay. This was happening repeatedly. He stuck it out for 11 months for job stability sake and when his last paychecks were so low they were under $125 for having put in 30+ hours of time in the shop. YES, I encouraged him that it was time to cut the losses and move on. This happened to be 2 weeks before Christmas, EVERYONE knows that when you start a new job at that time you get stuck working the holidays, so forgive his family for actually wanting to spend the holidays together.
2. I did have his expectations and responsibility increase as he got older. In fact he had a learners permit and was unable to drive on his own far longer than most or even required because I told him driving is a privilege and when YOU can pay YOUR OWN insurance, then and only then will you get your license. At 18 with the mechanic's job he was able to do so. Not only pay his car insurance but also pay his own car payment as NO ONE gave him his car. He paid for it. His entire paycheck went to car payment, car insurance, gas and to contribute to the home to cover phone and internet expenses. He couldn't afford much more.
3. He also had to wash his own clothes, clean up after himself and assisted me by driving his sister to and from school so I could focus on my studies as well as driving her to and from youth group at church so that I didn't have to use my gas to do so since he was going. This meant he left work, came home solely to pick her up before backtracking to go to church.
4. As for "handing him a bunch of money".... ummm what makes you think it was a bunch. To be exact and ease your assumption, I was giving each of my kids $150 each for christmas. I gave him 1/2 of his christmas money early because he was not working and didn't have the money to buy presents for his father, his grandmother, his great-grandmother, girl friend and her mother and 2 best friends. I told him not to get me anything. He did this short of his father's gift because his sister and him worked out something and gave a joint gift. SO if you consider advancing $75 of his christmas money a bunch of money, then guess that is what it is, I differ on that though. My point in saying what I said about that in the earlier post is that had I not advanced him that money he would not have been able to buy the "engagement ring" for the girl friend.
Lastly, I am far from an enabler or a crippler. When my son was diagnosed at the age of 9 with Inattentive type attention deficit disorder and a mild anxiety disorder, the doctor wanted to immediately place him on a drug. I said NO. I took a hands on approach and taught him to cope and manage the condition, not use it as a crutch or bandaid it with a pill. I NEVER allowed anyone, not even himself, to use it as an excuse for inappropriate or irresponsible behavior. In fact, up to this post I hadn't even mentioned this past diagnosis. Do not accuse me of crippling my son. I have done all I possibly can to raise him to be a man of honor, respect and integrity. I however can not make choices for him at this stage of the game, He is making his own and being a 19 hormonal young man, he is making them using the wrong ... well I'm sure you get the picture.
In case you didn't catch it in other posts, yes there were minor things here and there that I allowed to slide. I had my reasons for doing so. I still had an almost 19 year old at home that would ask me, hey mom do you think that on sunday after church i can go to the beach with some friends. Or, hey mom, i'm going to a party on Sat but its at X place and I may not be able to be back by curfew, can I get home later if I text you and let you know I'm okay.
Yeah, I felt all in all I had a good kid at home and sometimes did turn a blind eye when he was a little past curfew. If you go back and re-read my posts you will see that my problems with my son really began AFTER meeting this girl, not prior. He has been with her since 11-27-07, 3 months now. How does the behavior that he is demonstarting as a result of this relationship relate to my failing as a parent??????
You have 3 kids of your own? I sincerely pray no one ever judge you as harshly.
Mari
I don't really care what people think. It's parenting 101. Tolerate it and you endorse it. I mean here you paint this long scenario of how your son has gone completely off the rails, and then you proceed to rationalize how it's not your fault as a parent and not his fault as a young adult. Suddenly, everything is everybody else's fault.
Well, it's not. Somewhere along the line, this kid somehow didn't learn that there were major consequences to his actions. And any adult with some kind of grounding knows better than to break into your apartment. This notion that this girl somehow led him completely astray is baloney. He already had the capacity for this kind of behavior or he would not have done it at all. Which means he didn't know what his expectations are, what is tolerated, and what the consequences are when he does not fulfill expectations.
Even buried in your latest missive, you're talking about how your son is now staying at the 17-year-old girlfriend's father's house, after the two broke into your house. What? If I understand correctly, this girl is a complete nut and is screwing up his life. And yet, you've apparently agreed that it's okay for your son to go live with her father, guaranteeing that your son will be further exposed to her--rather than severing all ties immediately. And, even worse, the girl's halfwit father thinks it's a great idea, too? If you don't see the seeds of disaster here then I can't help you. At this point, you and this girl's parents need to be having a serious conversation involving extreme measures, or things are about to get a lot worse.
Now, you decide at this late juncture to bring up his attention deficit disorder. Well, I'm sorry about that. But at the same time, you yourself discuss how you blew off the advice of a doctor on how best to manage this condition. With his conduct apparently being associated with this disorder, that means ignoring the advice of your son's doctor had long-term consequences. And yet you continue to rationalize matters with a bunch pop psychology. What the heck are we supposed to think about that?
In short, the purpose of your original post wasn't really for advice. It was for validation, and somehow I'm not being nice for pointing out the obvious.
Maybe you need to review the posts a little more carefully. I've hardly been agreeable with everything the poster has said, however I get that she is trying. It is just that I completely disagree with your tough love crap although I don't think that it is the girl's fault, despite the fact that she obviously is troubled. He has something going on inside of him which needs help, not to be met with alienation by his parent(s) which you seem to advocate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
I don't really care what people think. It's parenting 101. Tolerate it and you endorse it. I mean here you paint this long scenario of how your son has gone completely off the rails, and then you proceed to rationalize how it's not your fault as a parent and not his fault as a young adult. Suddenly, everything is everybody else's fault.
Well, it's not. Somewhere along the line, this kid somehow didn't learn that there were major consequences to his actions. And any adult with some kind of grounding knows better than to break into your apartment. This notion that this girl somehow led him completely astray is baloney. He already had the capacity for this kind of behavior or he would not have done it at all. Which means he didn't know what his expectations are, what is tolerated, and what the consequences are when he does not fulfill expectations.
Even buried in your latest missive, you're talking about how your son is now staying at the 17-year-old girlfriend's father's house, after the two broke into your house. What? If I understand correctly, this girl is a complete nut and is screwing up his life. And yet, you've apparently agreed that it's okay for your son to go live with her father, guaranteeing that your son will be further exposed to her--rather than severing all ties immediately. And, even worse, the girl's halfwit father thinks it's a great idea, too? If you don't see the seeds of disaster here then I can't help you. At this point, you and this girl's parents need to be having a serious conversation involving extreme measures, or things are about to get a lot worse.
Now, you decide at this late juncture to bring up his attention deficit disorder. Well, I'm sorry about that. But at the same time, you yourself discuss how you blew off the advice of a doctor on how best to manage this condition. With his conduct apparently being associated with this disorder, that means ignoring the advice of your son's doctor had long-term consequences. And yet you continue to rationalize matters with a bunch pop psychology. What the heck are we supposed to think about that?
In short, the purpose of your original post wasn't really for advice. It was for validation, and somehow I'm not being nice for pointing out the obvious.
Oh absolutely you can't enable him to hurt himself. I remember when I was going through a very emotionally trying time, one thing that I did was try to wake up in the morning, take a deep breath & refocus myself mentally so I had a fresh perspective to the day. I know easier said then done right? But as a parent hopefully your patience, love and guidance regarding the best choices that he needs to make will overcome the negativity he is embracing. I think I get concerned when I see so many people with a "my way or the highway" approach when in fact that is the last thing someone needs from their parents. I certainly believe in logical consequences and guidance no matter what age. And hopefully if you are able to start the day somehow refreshed you can be able to patiently provide him the guidance he so desperately needs.
I do have another question if you don't mind. It is obvious you were definitely younger when you became a mother which only makes things more difficult. Is his father a good role model? If so, what does he think/what type of role does he play? Does he provide an appropriate environment for your son to be in?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
b75... Somehow I overlooked this post when I went to respond to cpg. I so agree with you in that people don't just set out to hurt themselves, or in this case to just ruin their lives, without some underlying reason or problem. I realize that as much as this girl has brought complete chaos and drama to our family, it is still choices HE is making. That does concern me. I agree with moving heaven and earth to try to help him. I will not enable him, but I will try to reach him and help him, even if that has to come from some other source right now other than myself. I am so not above seeking help from others.
I have contacted those that I know love and care about him. Including members of our old church prior to our moving. There are some that are simply praying day and night. Others that are speaking to him. To be, it matters not if I am the one that helps him see the light and snap out of this destructive path, or if it is someone else that helps him see that light. To me all that matters is that he see's it.
Currently he is staying at the girls father's house. The girl lives with her mother. I am in constant communication with the girls father and am very clear on his position. He is very clear on the problems his daughter has, her tactics and everything. He also has expressed that he see's something in my son and just wants to help him and doesn't want to see his life ruined because of his daughter. This arrangement is working out right now. He has rules there and according to the father he is respectful and abiding by the rules, which include a 10 pm curfew and the time he and the girl spend together is limited. He is cleaning up after himself and contributing to his keep there, while he looks for a job, by doing things at the house like caring for the lawn etc. When the father told me how he does these things without complaint, I simply expressed gratitude for him allowing my son to stay there and explained that his parenting style and mine are extremely similar and my son feels comfortable there because he is used to that structure. The only difference is that right now, while he can accept that structure because he is living in someone elses house, he can not being in my house because that makes him feel as little boy because I am mom. Thats the difference right now. His father agreed that was pretty much his daughters doing by putting in his head that being 19 and abiding by my rules makes him a mama's boy rather than a young man.
I've never been a proponent of the tough love more than anything because I never thought I'd have to use it. I'm not sure I even believe it at the level that some do. I don't believe the right thing to do in situations like this is to apply a tough love that includes turning your back on your child when they are lost and making decisions that can ruin their lives. I also don't believe in it if it includes closing doors and writing them off while cutting all ties. That to me seems as just trying to eliminate the problem and go about your life. I can't do that. I can apply a tough love, if that is what its called, at a level that I can live with. That is one that says.. no that behavior is not acceptable, these are my standards and expectations, while I may not always agree with your decisions or choices, I will always love you but because I love you, I will tell you when you are doing something wrong just as easily as I will when you are doing something right.
Just last night I texted him to say I was proud of him. Why, because of receiving a follow up letter from the school stating that he brought his GPA up from 1.9 to 2.03. Perhaps this is not a big deal, but considering he was told he needed to bring his GPA to above 2.0 as well as obtain the 3 credits to graduate, and he has done this now in about 1 weeks time. Yes it is a big deal and a start that needed to be acknowledged and in the midst of all he knows, because he knows, that he is doing wrong, he needs to hear of something he is doing right. I can do stuff like this and still stand my ground that home is home and home has rules and standards that must be adhered to.
I believe as you, that in this world the people you can rely on most is your parents, and meaning no offense to father's at all because I have the utmost respect for the good dads out there, but mostly your mother. If a mother completely turns her back on her child and shuts the door, that child may feel they've really blown it and what or who do they really have now or count on. My son has to know that I will stand by him, I will love him to no ends and I will be there to "help" pick up the pieces when all is said and done, I will not however applaud wrong behavior, nor will I enable it by provide silent condoning and not point out that the path he's heading on is full of pitfalls. To do so, in my mind, is not being a mother. He has enough friends that will sit by and watch him self-destruct. I can not do that anymore than I can bend over backwards and lower standards and expectations thus confusing him more by now questioning where I stand on these issues.
I don't really care what people think. It's parenting 101. Tolerate it and you endorse it. I mean here you paint this long scenario of how your son has gone completely off the rails, and then you proceed to rationalize how it's not your fault as a parent and not his fault as a young adult. Suddenly, everything is everybody else's fault.
Well, it's not. Somewhere along the line, this kid somehow didn't learn that there were major consequences to his actions. And any adult with some kind of grounding knows better than to break into your apartment. This notion that this girl somehow led him completely astray is baloney. He already had the capacity for this kind of behavior or he would not have done it at all. Which means he didn't know what his expectations are, what is tolerated, and what the consequences are when he does not fulfill expectations.
Even buried in your latest missive, you're talking about how your son is now staying at the 17-year-old girlfriend's father's house, after the two broke into your house. What? If I understand correctly, this girl is a complete nut and is screwing up his life. And yet, you've apparently agreed that it's okay for your son to go live with her father, guaranteeing that your son will be further exposed to her--rather than severing all ties immediately. And, even worse, the girl's halfwit father thinks it's a great idea, too? If you don't see the seeds of disaster here then I can't help you. At this point, you and this girl's parents need to be having a serious conversation involving extreme measures, or things are about to get a lot worse.
Now, you decide at this late juncture to bring up his attention deficit disorder. Well, I'm sorry about that. But at the same time, you yourself discuss how you blew off the advice of a doctor on how best to manage this condition. With his conduct apparently being associated with this disorder, that means ignoring the advice of your son's doctor had long-term consequences. And yet you continue to rationalize matters with a bunch pop psychology. What the heck are we supposed to think about that?
In short, the purpose of your original post wasn't really for advice. It was for validation, and somehow I'm not being nice for pointing out the obvious.
Tolerate? Endorse it? I am not tolerating anything nor endorsing it. If I were I would be begging him to come back home, no rules, no consequences, no nothing and saying, sure honey do whatever you please, don't work, don't finish school, whatever makes you happy. I am NOT doing that. You really need read slower and more carefully because you are twisting posts around to justify your attack on me.
Rationalizing and saying its not his fault? Please, I never said that. I even have said several times that its the choices HE is making. That he is allowing himself to be led by this girl, thats just a fact. But he still has a choice in the matter and I DO NOT remove that responsibility from him. Again, read more carefully before you judge.
The notion that this girl has led him astray is not a notion it is a fact. I NEVER had these problems with him before. He NEVER disrespected me before. STILL... he is not blameless here, again he is making a choice, but that she who has a history of these behaviors is not somehow pulling his strings, sorry she is. Even her own parents attest to that. Again, read more carefully to understand the history and where it is now. I did take time to give background information in my posts.
YES, my son is staying at her father's house. The girl DOES NOT live at the father's house. She lives at her mother's house. The mother is permissive, the father is not. The father knows exactly what his daughter is and what she is doing and he is trying to assist in helping my son see it for himself. He has set boundaries, curfews and expectations. He is speaking with my son, mentoring him of sorts, curtailing the time my son and the girl see each other and creating supervised environment for such.
Severing all times..... OKAY... since you have all the answers and can judge so blatantly, tell me how do I do that. Exactly how do I MAKE a 19 year sever all ties with the girl he believes he is in love with and wants to marry.
You're right about one thing, I don't think you can help me or anyone because you come across as being very arrogant and self-righteous. If I am wrong, I apologize, but its the perception that is being left by your unjustified attacks on me.
And BTW, I only brought up the issues of his attention deficit or what not to show I do not make excuses for him nor allow him to be crippled or use anything in his life as a crutch and excuse. I did not IGNORE the advice of his doctor, first off the doctor that evaluated him saw him 2 times in his whole life, once for the test and once for the results. I discussed with him alternatives to medication and behavioral modification techniques was one of them though required a lot of effort and time on my part. Both of which I DID. I also discussed it with his pediatrician at the time and he was also on board with the alternate route from medication.
You are going to find fault in anything I say or do anyways because it is your choice to do so for whatever reason makes you happy. I suppose if I said that he had a drug problem and then said that I did start him on popping pills to deal with the ADD and the Anxiety, you would find a way to blame his drug problem on my decision to medicate him.
And You are WRONG. My post was and continues to be seeking advice, idea's, opinions, encouragement, etc. What it was never seeking and is not seeking is unjustified condemnation by a self-righteous individual who apparently believes they are perfect and have the right to put someone else down. You know who is playing the blame game here. You. You are blaming me for my adult sons actions and decision. What about his accountability and responsibility. Why does it have to be my fault? You don't know me or know what I have instilled in my son. People sometimes go off track, young adults especially, and more often than not it is NO reflection on the parents or their upbringing, it is called Personal Choice and Errors in Judgment.
Oh absolutely you can't enable him to hurt himself. I remember when I was going through a very emotionally trying time, one thing that I did was try to wake up in the morning, take a deep breath & refocus myself mentally so I had a fresh perspective to the day. I know easier said then done right? But as a parent hopefully your patience, love and guidance regarding the best choices that he needs to make will overcome the negativity he is embracing. I think I get concerned when I see so many people with a "my way or the highway" approach when in fact that is the last thing someone needs from their parents. I certainly believe in logical consequences and guidance no matter what age. And hopefully if you are able to start the day somehow refreshed you can be able to patiently provide him the guidance he so desperately needs.
I do have another question if you don't mind. It is obvious you were definitely younger when you became a mother which only makes things more difficult. Is his father a good role model? If so, what does he think/what type of role does he play? Does he provide an appropriate environment for your son to be in?
Thats what I have been doing, a long deep breath every morning to start the day and trying to focus on the issues of that day. I am trying the approach of guiding him in whatever we discuss that day without hashing up yesterday or the week before or even these past 3 months. Just what is going on today, and a bit of okay where do you need to be headed for tomorrow. He's turned in about 10 job applications in the last 4 days. That is our focus right now, 1 thing at a time. The girls father is working on mentoring him man to man and helping him not be a yes man to his daughter. My focus is being school and work right now to get him back on the right track and focused on his life and the direction he was going prior to meeting her.
I don't mind the questions. In fact I prefer them if they are going to help you get a better picture and thus help the advice or ideas shared. His father is a Police Officer. He does provide a good role model in most areas. Law abiding, responsiblity at work and home. He does live approx. 4 hours away so hasn't spent much time with him.
My son's relationship with his father was a bit strained for several years because his father being a police officer never took off the uniform. My son, preceived or not, felt a lot of condemnation, and even rejection, from his father primarily about clothing or music or what not. His father can be a little emotionally unavailable, for a long time his father would call my daughter daily and see how she is doing and would even ask about our son but didn't call him. He'd be waiting for our son to call him basically for conversations together to happen.
His father's approach can be very practical and logical, which can be good but sometimes a kid just needs to know the emotional is understood. They sometimes just need empathy and not logic and practicality or be expected to reason as a seasoned 40 year old would. Also, whenever there has been an issue to address with our son, I'd call my X and discuss it and his thinking is one of letting him crash and burn or hit himself over the head and learn from the mistakes, similarily to how he had to do it. My thinking in this area has been a bit different and would be, well if I hit my head on that mistake, then my son may have to as well but I will at least try to talk to him about it and say, hey I made that mistake and this happened or that, so think about it before you do it.
The one area, probably the worst that his father, and I am not saying this to put him down or anything but in my opinion did not provide a good example is in relationships. After our divorce, and in a span of 2 years, his father had several girlfriends. Each was his soul mate. Each slept over his house even when kids were there. Had 2 live in relationships and 2 enagagements. The first engagement ended 12/06 and by 2/07 he was engaged to another. He did get married 11/07 so hopefully this will settle now.
However, my son would see this and criticize it. My son wants to say he is nothing like his father in this sense, but in all reality he is being very much like him. Jumping from relationship to relationship and I guess trying to fill some void or area of unhappiness with a relationship, when if you can't be happy with who you are, by yourself, you will never be happy with someone else. No one makes your happiness. Only you can make your own. You have to know how to love yourself before you can love someone else or expect them to truly love you.
Would you be able to find a counselor to see yourself that might be able to give you some tips on better communicating with your son? It seems like there definitely is a breakdown in communication between your son & the parent(s) in his life. I hope you don't mind - I'm just trying to think outside the box...If he won't see a therapist for right now maybe you can attack it from a different avenue
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
Thats what I have been doing, a long deep breath every morning to start the day and trying to focus on the issues of that day. I am trying the approach of guiding him in whatever we discuss that day without hashing up yesterday or the week before or even these past 3 months. Just what is going on today, and a bit of okay where do you need to be headed for tomorrow. He's turned in about 10 job applications in the last 4 days. That is our focus right now, 1 thing at a time. The girls father is working on mentoring him man to man and helping him not be a yes man to his daughter. My focus is being school and work right now to get him back on the right track and focused on his life and the direction he was going prior to meeting her.
I don't mind the questions. In fact I prefer them if they are going to help you get a better picture and thus help the advice or ideas shared. His father is a Police Officer. He does provide a good role model in most areas. Law abiding, responsiblity at work and home. He does live approx. 4 hours away so hasn't spent much time with him.
My son's relationship with his father was a bit strained for several years because his father being a police officer never took off the uniform. My son, preceived or not, felt a lot of condemnation, and even rejection, from his father primarily about clothing or music or what not. His father can be a little emotionally unavailable, for a long time his father would call my daughter daily and see how she is doing and would even ask about our son but didn't call him. He'd be waiting for our son to call him basically for conversations together to happen.
His father's approach can be very practical and logical, which can be good but sometimes a kid just needs to know the emotional is understood. They sometimes just need empathy and not logic and practicality or be expected to reason as a seasoned 40 year old would. Also, whenever there has been an issue to address with our son, I'd call my X and discuss it and his thinking is one of letting him crash and burn or hit himself over the head and learn from the mistakes, similarily to how he had to do it. My thinking in this area has been a bit different and would be, well if I hit my head on that mistake, then my son may have to as well but I will at least try to talk to him about it and say, hey I made that mistake and this happened or that, so think about it before you do it.
The one area, probably the worst that his father, and I am not saying this to put him down or anything but in my opinion did not provide a good example is in relationships. After our divorce, and in a span of 2 years, his father had several girlfriends. Each was his soul mate. Each slept over his house even when kids were there. Had 2 live in relationships and 2 enagagements. The first engagement ended 12/06 and by 2/07 he was engaged to another. He did get married 11/07 so hopefully this will settle now.
However, my son would see this and criticize it. My son wants to say he is nothing like his father in this sense, but in all reality he is being very much like him. Jumping from relationship to relationship and I guess trying to fill some void or area of unhappiness with a relationship, when if you can't be happy with who you are, by yourself, you will never be happy with someone else. No one makes your happiness. Only you can make your own. You have to know how to love yourself before you can love someone else or expect them to truly love you.
Would you be able to find a counselor to see yourself that might be able to give you some tips on better communicating with your son? It seems like there definitely is a breakdown in communication between your son & the parent(s) in his life. I hope you don't mind - I'm just trying to think outside the box...If he won't see a therapist for right now maybe you can attack it from a different avenue
Yes. My daughter has been in counseling since November. The counselor she see's is excellent and sometimes I've gone into the sessions with my daughter. This past Tuesday, during one such session, after my daughter saying she'd feel comfortable with me seperately seeing the same counselor because I didn't want to impede her sessions or trust in the counselor, I asked the couselor if she could fit me in. I have an appt. for Monday morning to help deal with my own emotions, hurt and anger over this situation. Also for some added guidance as to how to best approach and deal with this situation.
One option I am considering is, knowing my son doesn't like counselors and would not likely want to go for himself is seeing if it can be done kinda on the sly by saying, I am going to counseling because of the issues we are having, I think it would help me and us if you came to some sessions with me. In this way at least I'll get him in there and through that perhaps he can open up to her as well and she can help to get to the bottom of what is going on. I'm even considering making this a condition of returning home should he go through with asking me if he can, which he hasn't yet.
I think that is a great idea, especially if you can get him into the session. If the counselor is good at what she/he does, they should be able to work on him effectively, as well as opening up the doors for you as a family to communicate more effectively. If he is willing to go as a means for enabling your communication as a family, well that really isn't a lie. You all do need to work on that & as a side effect people's own issues will probably be sorted out.
Perhaps the rules could be something like this?
1) The girlfriend doesn't spend the night/isn't there when you aren't home (if you think that is doable when you are there I don't know otherwise she can't come over)
2) No guests when you aren't home allowed for either of you.
3) If you call him on his cell he picks up or calls you back when he sees it is you (aka he doesn't avoid your calls). Perhaps this would be a better way to ensure he is okay then the curfew thing & you could call him to ask him things like - are you going to be home for dinner, want to know what to make - will you be home tonight - was worried hadn't seen you etc.)
4) Family counseling (btwn the 2 of you to start) is highest priority.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
Yes. My daughter has been in counseling since November. The counselor she see's is excellent and sometimes I've gone into the sessions with my daughter. This past Tuesday, during one such session, after my daughter saying she'd feel comfortable with me seperately seeing the same counselor because I didn't want to impede her sessions or trust in the counselor, I asked the couselor if she could fit me in. I have an appt. for Monday morning to help deal with my own emotions, hurt and anger over this situation. Also for some added guidance as to how to best approach and deal with this situation.
One option I am considering is, knowing my son doesn't like counselors and would not likely want to go for himself is seeing if it can be done kinda on the sly by saying, I am going to counseling because of the issues we are having, I think it would help me and us if you came to some sessions with me. In this way at least I'll get him in there and through that perhaps he can open up to her as well and she can help to get to the bottom of what is going on. I'm even considering making this a condition of returning home should he go through with asking me if he can, which he hasn't yet.
This is what I have so far. Just a rough draft at this time and still in the works. Adjustments, deletions, additions all may take place. And I still have to work out the privileges and consequences. Thinking along the lines of reviews of how he is doing, privileges will be added time to curfew in 30 minute intervals. Consequences may be reduction in curfew in 30 minute intervals or increase in weekly amount to contribute financially in $10 intervals.
FYI. Most of these are things he was responsible for and doing prior to this all mess.
Feedback welcomed.
Top 5 Current Problems
Respect
Lying & Trust Issues
Educational Irresponsibility
Financial Irresponsibility
Household Irresponsibility
Expectations related to top 5 problems
Respect will be show in and out of the home to mom and sister.
Lies will not be tolerated. Honesty is expected at all times regardless of issue.
School is a priority and will be attended daily until graduation.
Employment is necessary and paying back debts a requirement.
Doing fair share in the home and contributing to the needs of the home is expected as well as consideration to others in the home.
Additional Expectations
Unless previously agreed upon due to inevitable circumstances, church will be attended on Wednesday night for youth group and Sunday morning for family service.
Rules of the home – Including Privileges and Consequences Earned
Curfew (Related to Respect & Trust Issues)
School days (Sun. Night through Thurs. Night) – 10 pm
Weekend days (Fri. & Sat. Night) – 12 midnight
Abiding by these curfews is expected as an earnest effort towards restoring trust.
Common Courtesy (Related to Respect & Trust Issues)
Addressing people in the home – Hello’s and Goodbyes are common courtesy.
Showing interest and concern about the needs of others in the home, i.e. questions like how was your day or do you need me to do something are examples of a courteous attitude.
If you say you are going out and will be back a certain time and there is a delay or change in plans, letting mom know is just courteous and also works towards the restoration of trust.
Honesty (Related to Lying & Trust Issues)
When asked a question, the response will be the truth.
When stating something, i.e. where you are going or whom you are with, the truth will be told.
Abiding by these is not only expected but also works towards the restoration of trust.
Education (Related to Educational Irresponsibility)
School will be attended for the full period of time every day school is in session.
All effort will be placed on obtaining graduation status.
School rules will be abided by and school authority respected.
Financial (Related to Financial Irresponsibility)
Earnest effort will be placed on obtaining a job.
Job will be attended on all scheduled days
Based on salary, an appropriate amount will be set aside to repay all outstanding debts.
Based on salary, an appropriate amount will be set aside as contribution towards household needs and expenses.
Home (Household Irresponsibility)
There will be absolutely no one in the home without mom’s consent and knowledge. No exceptions. (This also goes towards restoration of trust issues)
Mom’s car will not be used or driven until such time that I feel comfortable allowing it and the privilege has been earned. (This also goes towards respect and trust issues)
Bedroom will be cleaned and maintained picked up, free of clutter and offensive material.
Guest bathroom will be cleaned and maintained picked up, free of clutter.
Garbage will be taken out every day.
All personal belongings will be cleared from common areas.
Picking up after yourself is not only expected and but required.
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