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Whoo Boy, houses! With both my parents and my spouse's parents, the house was sold by the parents to pay for their expenses in nursing homes, assisted living, etc. However, my BFF is one of 4 kids, the house was left (I believe) to all four of them equally. None live in our hometown. Two of them (I'm not going to say which two) wanted to keep the house, for what purpose I'm not sure, kind of like a shrine I guess. It's not in any kind of tourist area, they don't have any close friends that live there any more, nor a ton of family. None of their spouses are from our hometown. The other two wanted their money from the sale of the house, had no interest in living in it or keeping it. They finally sold it, not at an estate sale but on the open market and divvied up the money. Everyone seemed OK with this in the end.
I can see it. I want to keep our home, even though I'm nowhere near it and wouldn't live there. The home is in a small town, so it's not worth much, but I like visiting there. I told my folks I'd get an estimate done and would pay my sister half as the remaining assets will likely not cover it. My sister is perpetually bad with money, so the idea of getting a check was totally fine with her.
Beyond the nostalgia, it's located in a state with no income tax. After retirement I will completely turn it into my "main" residence and figure I'll save more in taxes than it costs to keep the home up.
... Last week they called and said they are re-writing the will and will "split evenly between you kids, everyone will get 1/6"...
I'm deeply hurt...
They've asked my opinion on three occasions...
Each time I've told them "its your money and you decision".
It seems to me your parents current allocation (1/6 to each person alive) doesn't sit well with them -- why else would they ask you three times?
I would do what you've done: kept my mouth shut.
It seems to me that their approach risks generating bad blood between your side of the family and your brother's side of the family. This ill feeling may very well surface in the future after your parents pass.
Since they have asked 3 times, I think I would speak up - at least for the sake of your relationship with your brother and his kids.
***
Background: My grandparents had 3 children, one of whom was my father. My father passed young (mid 40s) and my mom never remarried. Almost 30 years after my dad passed, my grandparents passed - and in their will they split things between their two surviving children (my father's sisters), each of whom was married and had 4 kids (my 1st cousins). I've long felt this was not "fair" to us.
It is very important you tell your parents how you really feel instead of girding your loins for disappointment during the next 15 years. Tell them just because your brother chose to have more children than you, you and your child should not be treated differently. Their current plan treats you and your brother on the same level as the grandkids. That is not right!
In your case they should write their will how they want but if they want input from you, tell them you would rather they split it evenly down the middle between the sons and if that son is not living, their half should go to their children.
Now you bring up the issue of who has the most responsibility. This would be a good time to explain to your parents that if either son (OR HIS WIFE) is expected to rearrange their life and career to accommodate aging parents it could cause financial hardship. If that happens they should be compensated either while the old folks are still alive or in the will. A good attorney will know how to do this. It happens all the time. Old folks split the estate down the middle but in later years someone-usually the daughter or daughter in law- has to put their life on hold to be a caretaker. It is only fair they be compensated for this.
It is very important you tell your parents how you really feel instead of girding your loins for disappointment during the next 15 years. Tell them just because your brother chose to have more children than you, you and your child should not be treated differently. Their current plan treats you and your brother on the same level as the grandkids. That is not right!
In your case they should write their will how they want but if they want input from you, tell them you would rather they split it evenly down the middle between the sons and if that son is not living, their half should go to their children.
Now you bring up the issue of who has the most responsibility. This would be a good time to explain to your parents that if either son (OR HIS WIFE) is expected to rearrange their life and career to accommodate aging parents it could cause financial hardship. If that happens they should be compensated either while the old folks are still alive or in the will. A good attorney will know how to do this. It happens all the time. Old folks split the estate down the middle but in later years someone-usually the daughter or daughter in law- has to put their life on hold to be a caretaker. It is only fair they be compensated for this.
It is very important you tell your parents how you really feel instead of girding your loins for disappointment during the next 15 years. Tell them just because your brother chose to have more children than you, you and your child should not be treated differently. Their current plan treats you and your brother on the same level as the grandkids. That is not right!
In your case they should write their will how they want but if they want input from you, tell them you would rather they split it evenly down the middle between the sons and if that son is not living, their half should go to their children.
Now you bring up the issue of who has the most responsibility. This would be a good time to explain to your parents that if either son (OR HIS WIFE) is expected to rearrange their life and career to accommodate aging parents it could cause financial hardship. If that happens they should be compensated either while the old folks are still alive or in the will. A good attorney will know how to do this. It happens all the time. Old folks split the estate down the middle but in later years someone-usually the daughter or daughter in law- has to put their life on hold to be a caretaker. It is only fair they be compensated for this.
I vote for compensating while at least one parent is still alive. That way, you can compensate actual expenses incurred, as they happen. If the parents leave a bequest in the will, how do they decide how much to leave, let alone who to leave it to? Sometimes the most obvious person isn't the one who actually gives the care.
I vote for compensating while at least one parent is still alive. That way, you can compensate actual expenses incurred, as they happen. If the parents leave a bequest in the will, how do they decide how much to leave, let alone who to leave it to? Sometimes the most obvious person isn't the one who actually gives the care.
This is often discussed in the caregiver forum. The one doing the actual physical work, the one who interrupted a career, the one who gave the most up is the one to be compensated. And it is up to the caregiver to keep records of how much work, mileage, expenses, (and receipts) etc to ask to be paid while the elder is still alive. And if that isn't possible, they present it to the executrix or executor to draw against any money or property in the estate. Siblings need to get together to reach equitable understanding before the death of the elder and certainly before somebody interrupts their life to care for the elder.
This is often discussed in the caregiver forum. The one doing the actual physical work, the one who interrupted a career, the one who gave the most up is the one to be compensated. And it is up to the caregiver to keep records of how much work, mileage, expenses, (and receipts) etc to ask to be paid while the elder is still alive. And if that isn't possible, they present it to the executrix or executor to draw against any money or property in the estate. Siblings need to get together to reach equitable understanding before the death of the elder and certainly before somebody interrupts their life to care for the elder.
And what is the caregiver supposed to do in the meantime, use their own funds and hope for the best later? I don't know how you accomplish the bold. We're going through that in DH's family right now. One sib isconcerned about his inheritance and nothing more. Another one is doing most of the work, because he lives near my MIL. Others that live nearby are helping him. It gets quite complicated.
And what is the caregiver supposed to do in the meantime, use their own funds and hope for the best later? I don't know how you accomplish the bold. We're going through that in DH's family right now. One sib isconcerned about his inheritance and nothing more. Another one is doing most of the work, because he lives near my MIL. Others that live nearby are helping him. It gets quite complicated.
Yes it does get quite complicated especially if there is tension among siblings to begin with. Many of us who have been in this situation often realize how short sighted we were to let ourselves be the sole or primary caregiver without consideration to the long run costs to us and our families. Nobody knows how long this situation will last and frequently the family thinks "Dad is so old. He won't last long and then Suzy can go back to her job". In the meantime, Dad lingers and Suzy can't take any more time off and risks losing her job permanently. "But she 1) isn't married or 2) has no children 3) or is retired and "has nothing else to do"so Suzy is the most likely to end up with the job.
All these things should be discussed with our parents or kids before the need arises. Let your kids know that you expect for the caregiver to either be paid a fair wage while you are alive and needing care or what is owed to the caretaker is taken off the top before any assets are dispursed after death. Again a GOOD ELDER ATTORNEY will know how to handle these things.
My good friend Ann is the oldest of 8 children. She had a long and enjoyable career as a hospital RN and was looking forward to her retirement with her husband. The week after her retirement her elderly mother, who had been in excellent health up till then, fell and broke her hip and refused to go to ALF after rehab because "Ann can take care of me. She's not working anymore." All the other siblings were as much as 15 years younger and of course still working and raising their families so they expected Ann to drop her travel plans to go stay with Mama and take care of her till she "gets better". Now really, how much better is a 93 year old woman going to get? But everybody agreed it would be so much better for Mama to stay at home.
Ann's husband put his foot down and refused to let his wife be taken advantage of anymore. He typed up a timetable with Ann working no more than 8 hours a day for 4 days a week (the same schedule she had worked the last few years of her career). He figured out how much she should be paid not even taking into consideration things like health insurance, 401K contributions, Social Security, etc and presented it to Ann and her siblings (and their spouses) at a big family meeting.There was a bit of estate money involved and when some saw how expensive it would be to hire Ann or anybody to stay in the home with Mama they were surprised. Some accused Ann of being mercenary. Interestingly enough it was the in laws who put up the biggest fuss.
All of a sudden the best thing to do was to put Mama in the cheapest ALF the family could find. The family bickered and fought while Mama languished in the hospital and rehab till Ann had a heart attack. Her husband and her former boss and her pastor convinced her to walk away from the situation. Mama was not really with the program anymore anyway. Dementia. The situation was killing Ann. She announced to her family whatever they wanted to do was fine and that she would sign any papers (she had POA) but she would not partake in any discussions or decisions anymore.
To save the estate the family hired somebody woefully incompetent to live with Mama and care for her. Mama only lived about 6 more weeks at home and the caretaker ran off with about $10,000 worth of property and hidden cash. Then it all became Ann's fault because she would not stay in the house with Mama. What a huge mess. Ann is also the executrix and now is dealing with all that. She told them all she would be willing to give the whole thing over to an attorney to settle but to do so would dissipate the estate.
I had only 1 brother to deal with. Can you imagine dealing with 7 siblings and their spouses and children?
And what is the caregiver supposed to do in the meantime, use their own funds and hope for the best later? I don't know how you accomplish the bold. We're going through that in DH's family right now. One sib is concerned about his inheritance and nothing more. Another one is doing most of the work, because he lives near my MIL. Others that live nearby are helping him. It gets quite complicated.
IMHO, that is often the biggest problem, someone is "concerned about getting their inheritance". I wish more people would understand that the reason that most people are frugal and save money while they are working is for to pay for their own retirement years and to pay for their own old age expenses and not to provide "free money" (an inheritance") for their children. If there is money left over when they die that should be a pleasant surprise not an expectation of their children.
That is why parents, and their adult children, need to discuss their wishes and plan for the "worst case" far, far in advance (while they are completely healthy and of sound mind).
And, yes, it can get "quite complicated".
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