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Frankly I don't understand the concept of kicking out the 20+ years old kid from the nest as a way for the kid and/or the parent (like what OP said) to achieve independence.
I wish my kids to return and stay with me in my home after their graduation while before marriage. Here are the reasons:
(1) I am over 60 and anything can happen, i.e. having a stroke. If my kids are staying with me, they can help us out in such scenario. Though it is kind of selfish for me, I consider it a reciprocal act since we had paid enormous effort to attend to my kids when they were young.
(2) As I have said, they can save the money from rent for down payment of their first home. Since my house has been fully paid, I don't mind the extra increased expenses of $50-100 for utilities every month if they choose to return and stay with us.
(3) I enjoy the family bonding time when we sit down for dinner every evening. They can also help my wife in doing the house chores.
Of course they have to look for a job during their stay at home. But I would not kick them out even if they can't find a decent job within 8 months!
The greatest gift you can give your loved ones is the dignity to live their own life and accept the natural consequences for their own choices.
"Honey I love you and I know that you are a smart capable resourceful person. There are places to live, and there are jobs, and I am sure you will be successful in the decisions you make and I applaud your success."
Give him a date and stick to it. Craig's list is a great place to find affordable shared housing.
Right here ^^^ (thanks to those who liked my post) Being rescued from real life as an adult sets one up to be a loser.
I had roommates till I was 29. We had fun experiencing young adulthood together. I met people I would of never met. We all became successful cause we were forced to think on our feet. My parents were products of the depression, they really knew how to be resourceful.
My dad moved my stuff in with a close girlfriend while I was on a ski trip in CO at 21. Came home, guess what you are now living with Jan! Dad was trying to move to FL and I was hindering this some, well I should say a lot. Everybody loved my dad so he knew all my friends. Yes she happened to be looking for a roommate. Called while I was gone and they hatched this plan. The ever so helpful guy he was moved my bedroom furniture while I was gone. No I wasn't mad, it was time. I was an adult who happened to be spending her rent money on traveling. I just needed a little nudge out of the nest. And she was a wonderful roommate.
Wasn't fair to him, he retired early so he could enjoy life too.
I did, and it doesn't change what I posted. The OP said the son wasn't pulling his weight, and you say he wasn't a deadbeat. I wonder who is correct?
He was welcome - until he wasn't. Why is that so hard to understand?
What is so hard for YOU (and the OP) to understand? He didn't move home against his mother's wishes, then sit on his ass and refuse to contribute. She INVITED him home and said he could stay as long as he wanted. Then all of a sudden, she decides she likes her alone time, and gives him a 2 month deadline. SHE is the one who changed the rules of the game, not him.
I blame this mom for her own problems. There should have been a conversation at the beginning about her expectations. She should have spelled out that she expected him to work full time, pay for utilities, or whatever, and stay no longer than 6 months. It doesn't sound like she did any of that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
He is working (multiple jobs?) and apparently contributing a little. She told him he could stay, then wonders why he doesn't understand that she wants him to leave.
ETA I am not saying that any 23 year old should be able to live with his parents forever without contributing. I think in this instance, the mom was wrong, and handled it poorly.
Last edited by Kibbiekat; 02-01-2017 at 06:32 PM..
I can understand why he was upset IF she blindsided him with this but his reaction was way out of line and extremely disrespectful. If one of my sons had reacted that way all h#ll would have broken out in our house. Also, she mentioned he has lived with her for 8 months. Was he working for all those 8 months? If so, did he not save ANY money for those 8 months? If not, that is on him. No reason he can't find a room to rent or a couple of roommates to share an apartment or a house with. Craig's list is his friend. If he has to get a second job, so be it. He can wait tables or as someone mentioned, deliver pizzas. Or how about work as a security guard, gas station attendant, bartender, you get the idea. It seems like some parents can't stand the thought of little Susie or Johnny having any kind of discomfort or hardship in their lives. They would prefer to pave the way for them and make sure they don't have to get their hands dirty. Hey, it's easier for them to just live with us that way they won't HAVE to get that second job to make it on their own. As they say, "Smooth waters never made a good sailor". Young men and women need to learn how to navigate the real world. If everything is made easy for them they will never learn how to solve their own problems. I am sure the OP loves her son very much. Just because she is not okay letting him live with her infinitum does NOT mean she is a bad mother that does not love her kid. As they say, we need to give our kids roots and wings. It's time for him to spread those wings.
Last edited by austinaggie; 02-01-2017 at 06:53 PM..
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
You gave him two months. When that time comes, if he hasn't found a place, pack up the stuff, have it put in a storage locker, give him the key and change your door locks.
Pretty simple..charge him RENT! Fair market value....tack on housekeeping, laundry and cook services. Grow a backbone. He is not your surrogate "husband". Which is your secret motive...having a "man" in the house vs. raising a man.
Mae
Now, see, this is a sensible and rational post right here!
I completely agree with this. The rest of this thread is full of either people telling the OP she's a bad mother and it's her responsibility to still let her son with her. Or a bunch of people claiming that if you're a person older than 20 and still live with parents/grandparents, etc, then you're a lazy slacker and millennial, because only millennial's are staying with their parents when they're older than 20. It's not like this wasn't going on back in 1968 or 1985 or 1993 or even 2002! And I bet most of these people stayed with their parents until they were 23-25, unless they went to college and stayed in a dorm or something. Though they'll probably claim that they were outta the house 2 days after they graduated high school. Or even 2 days after they graduated college, for those that had the misfortune of having to stay through college.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a 23 year old living with their parents or a grandparent, aunt/uncle, older sibling, whatever. Someone else had a good point earlier in this thread, that 23 is an age where you COULD be out on your own, but not necessarily that you HAVE to be out on your own. I would agree that if you're an adult living with a parent/older guardian/whatever, you should be paying rent money, paying for your own food, car insurance, cable, etc. Unless you're in college still and not working full time. When I lived with my grandparents at 18-22, I paid part of the rent and for my own food, my share of the cable bill, half of the electric, etc.
What is so hard for YOU (and the OP) to understand? He didn't move home against his mother's wishes, then sit on his ass and refuse to contribute. She INVITED him home and said he could stay as long as he wanted. Then all of a sudden, she decides she likes her alone time, and gives him a 2 month deadline. SHE is the one who changed the rules of the game, not him.
I blame this mom for her own problems. There should have been a conversation at the beginning about her expectations. She should have spelled out that she expected him to work full time, pay for utilities, or whatever, and stay no longer than 6 months. It doesn't sound like she did any of that.
He is working (multiple jobs?) and apparently contributing a little. She told him he could stay, then wonders why he doesn't understand that she wants him to leave.
ETA I am not saying that any 23 year old should be able to live with his parents forever without contributing. I think in this instance, the mom was wrong, and handled it poorly.
I don't think that parents who keep their adult children in the home are concerned with raising independent, strong, competent adults. I think they are afraid of old age, are lonely, often indifferent or unhappy with their spouse if they still have one, and really want the company and the companionship and the illusion that they are still what they were when the kids were young.
So it's a double edged pathology that keeps both parties from living correctly and independently.
It's basically parental fear of letting go, and a child's self-doubt and incompetence and/or lack of confidence in their ability to exist in a healthy and independent state. And the really bad thing about it? It is self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating. The weak adult child gets older and remains comfortable and becomes ever more incompetent. The parent(s) continue the destructive rescuing in order to gain companionship and a filler to the impending void of older age.
It's a very bad business, and caters to human weakness and the desire for the easy way out.
And what happens is that weakened kids attract and are attracted by weak spouses. It is a well worn cliché that the worst prospect for marriage is someone in their mid 20s who is living at home with mommy and/or daddy. Who wants that? It is an immediate red flag and black mark. If I were a parent of a 25 year old living at home, I would be embarrassed about it and would not want to admit it to my friends. Especially those whose kids were up and out and functioning on their own and on their own steam.
Last edited by Marc Paolella; 02-01-2017 at 09:22 PM..
I don't think that parents who keep their adult children in the home are concerned with raising independent, strong, competent adults. I think they are afraid of old age, are lonely, often indifferent or unhappy with their spouse if they still have one, and really want the company and the companionship and the illusion that they are still what they were when the kids were young.
I don't think that parents who keep their adult children in the home are concerned with raising independent, strong, competent adults. I think they are afraid of old age, are lonely, often indifferent or unhappy with their spouse if they still have one, and really want the company and the companionship and the illusion that they are still what they were when the kids were young.
So it's a double edged pathology that keeps both parties from living correctly and independently.
It's basically parental fear of letting go, and a child's self-doubt and incompetence and/or lack of confidence in their ability to exist in a healthy and independent state. And the really bad thing about it? It is self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating. The weak adult child gets older and remains comfortable and becomes ever more incompetent. The parent(s) continue the destructive rescuing in order to gain companionship and a filler to the impending void of older age.
It's a very bad business, and caters to human weakness and the desire for the easy way out.
And what happens is that weakened kids attract and are attracted by weak spouses. It is a well worn cliché that the worst prospect for marriage is someone in their mid 20s who is living at home with mommy and/or daddy. Who wants that? It is an immediate red flag and black mark. If I were a parent of a 25 year old living at home, I would be embarrassed about it and would not want to admit it to my friends. Especially those whose kids were up and out and functioning on their own and on their own steam.
Says the man with no kids(or wife?). My own are free to come and go as they please, they're adults. One of them pleases to live here, and he's welcome to do so. His job is nearby, he's in a committed relationship, and he and his gf are making plans for their future together. When they do take that step, they won't have to scrounge for housing expenses, just like my husband and I ( very happily married btw), didn't have to scrounge. We both lived at home with our parents until we married in our mid-20s. We were able to save for our future together. It's inconceivable to me that any parent would want less of a secure start for their children than we had.
I'm not at all embarrassed to say I have a 26 yr old living here. We enjoy his company, and he appears to enjoy ours. His older brother lived here until he married at 25. His younger brother is a grad student across the country. And, our door will always be open to all of them.
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Everybody loved my dad so he knew all my friends. Yes she happened to be looking for a roommate. Called while I was gone and they hatched this plan. The ever so helpful guy he was moved my bedroom furniture while I was gone. No I wasn't mad, it was time. I was an adult who happened to be spending her rent money on traveling. I just needed a little nudge out of the nest. And she was a wonderful roommate. 
