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Every family is different, and just because they do that, doesn't mean the kids are coddled and spoiled and lack a work ethic.
You're not in charge of saying what the correct or wrong model is either.
Quit the judgmental posts. I get that it's pretty much the only thing you know HOW to post, but it's getting tiresome.
It's interesting how people think like this: We did it this way in my family, and nobody died or went to prison, so it must be right.
So this boils down to: I am right "because it is me".
Or, the feelings based argument: We did it this way, and I felt good, so it must be right. I like having my kids around, and they don't seem to mind, so it must be OK. If it feels good, it must be OK and healthy.
No analysis, no objectivity, no introspection, no critical analysis, no depth. Simply: this is how I do things, this is how I feel, so it must be correct. And if someone says something different, I am to take it personally and insult them personally, rather than sticking to the issue and examining the issue on the merits.
How is that fair? It's my house, not his. I'm the one paying the bills. It's my choice as to who gets to live there or not, just like you get to choose who lives or doesn't live in your house. It was nice enough of me to let him stay with me for a few months. He's 23, he should be supporting himself in his own place. How many 23-year-olds live with Mommy? I was stupid for even thinking of letting him live with me.
I think you're being too harsh.
The world and job market these days is harder than it was in your and my day.
When you offered to let him stay, you meant only 3 or 4 months? How is that fair? Leading him to think you're going to help him while he searches for a good paying permanent job? And then you spring this on him...get out in 2 months. Not nice.
This is your right. But he'll remember this when you're old and drooling and need his help. He'll tell you you can stay with him and his wife, and then after he wheels you in, he'll tell you in 3 months that it's time for you to go. With no warning. He'll tell you that he needs his privacy, and you should have planned to have your needs met for when you were old and decrepit.
Karma.
BTW....a LOT of young people live with their parents after college, while they get on their feet. He may be a man, but he's still very young. His brain isn't even fully formed yet. That is true. Brains finish forming in the late 20s, I think.
In any case, I lived in trashy, cheap places when I was very young. I lived hand to mouth...no meat, canned vegetables on sale, a car that I had to push to get it started (no public transportation). So he can do the same. It certainly teaches the value of a dollar, and makes one appreciate the good times that will come later. But you should have been kinder, given more notice (6 mos. maybe), and definitely set parameters and a time limit when he moved in.
Do you work? Did you work and support yourself when you were in your late teens and early 20s? Just curious.
I have been looking at this thread for a few days and picked your response somewhat randomly.
If the parents and grown children are getting along it is a beautiful thing. There is nothing nicer than family working together.
In the OP's situation there seems to be, to put in mildly, a lack of respect from the full-grown son. Children don't come home and dictate the rules. The argument that the mother's statement "you can stay as long as you like" formed a contract in perpetuity is just plain silly. Whether or not the mother paid for his education having a bearing on his "rights" is equally ridiculous.
Whatever the situation is with the local economy there is no reason for an adult to expect to be supported by their mother. I just cannot conceive an argument to the contrary.
As an aside I don't understand your ""protect our property values" at the expense of keeping younger buyers out of the market" argument. Do you suggest that older homeowners sell their property at less than market value to aid the downtrodden youth?
The only reason I exercise and eat healthy is so I can live long enough to see the current crop of twenty-somethings grow up and have their own kids. I live for the day when I can say to them "Not so f...ing funny now is it?"
Have a great weekend.
Don't forget, we're only getting one side of the story.
It's interesting how people think like this: We did it this way in my family, and nobody died or went to prison, so it must be right.
So this boils down to: I am right "because it is me".
Or, the feelings based argument: We did it this way, and I felt good, so it must be right. I like having my kids around, and they don't seem to mind, so it must be OK. If it feels good, it must be OK and healthy.
No analysis, no objectivity, no introspection, no critical analysis, no depth. Simply: this is how I do things, this is how I feel, so it must be correct. And if someone says something different, I am to take it personally and insult them personally, rather than sticking to the issue and examining the issue on the merits.
So interesting philosophically!
Lol, don't throw stones when you live in a glass house.
I'm not the one judging, I simply said every family is different, and kids move out at different rates. Some even stay and save up money and move out when they get married.
What do you mean by "such a thing"? You think I'm unreasonable for wanting a 23-year-old man not to live off me like a little boy? Ask anyone who was kids over the age of 22 if they still want their kids living with them. We'll always love our kids more than anything but our kids are going to outlive us. That's why it's important for our kids to become self-sufficient. And you know what else? I'm getting to be an old woman(I'm 53), which means I'm not going to be around much longer and so I want to enjoy a relaxing life while I can.
53 is not old. You'll be around another 40 years, unless you have a bad heart or terminal cancer.
Since you seem a little overly self-involved, I'll point out that you will need him in your later years. It's in your best interest to treat him now the way that you will want to be treated by him when you're old.
But it's certainly your apartment and your call and your right to kick him out. And he will have the same right with you later.
Do you have other kids to lean on when you need help in your older years?
He's not 18, he's 23. I thought I'd made that clear.
I was referring to the general "raise them and kick them out" philosophy that lots of people seem to have.
Lots of 20 somethings live with their parents, its the reality of the current situation many young people are in.
In your case, maybe your son is a lazy bum, but based on the story you gave us on page one, it doesn't seem like you have been consistent in your message or helped him transition. Maybe you two don't get along and he should move out, it is your home after all, but you seem to be treating this like a divorce.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
It's a long process that begins the day they're born and for which they're eager by the time they're old enough.
Lol, don't throw stones when you live in a glass house.
I'm not the one judging, I simply said every family is different, and kids move out at different rates. Some even stay and save up money and move out when they get married.
These are called observations. In this case they don't advance insight or recommend change. We already know the OP has an adult child moving out at TOO SLOW A RATE, and is hiding from life. We need input on how to change it. And to do that, we need something first: JUDGMENT!
Don't be afraid to judge. That's religious incorrectness. We need people to judge, and not be afraid to discuss it. JUDGMENT makes the world go round and is a basic immutable human tool of survival and success. JUDGMENT is GOOD. DO IT!
As an aside I don't understand your ""protect our property values" at the expense of keeping younger buyers out of the market" argument. Do you suggest that older homeowners sell their property at less than market value to aid the downtrodden youth?
No, I'm not suggesting that they sell their homes at a loss. What I am referring to is a generally NIMBY attitude that older home owners have towards millennials. Older Home owners actively opposed development near them and usually cite preserving character or keeping out undesirables as the reason. I can understand how they could be partly the reason, but many times i think they are using Zoning for their own benefit.
I read of an example last week where a neighborhood of a few hundred homes opposed an expansion of the neighborhood of a few dozen homes. They didn't want the extra "traffic" (which would be minimal btw), and even though the extra houses would contribute to property taxes with minimal infrastructure additions they opposed it. They designated a "nature preserve" or something to permanently keep it from being developed. Totally irrational from a good for the community and city at large perspective (lost taxes). Great for the people who already live there.
Its just like the National debt and things like SS. I know I will never get any SS, but it comes out of my check anyway.
Sure there are exceptions, I have friends who are married and own a home at 25, its usually a combination of good decisions and good luck.
The deck is stacked against us as a generation, expectations of us all moving out and owning a home in our early 20s is totally unreasonable. 90% of the people I know in my generation that live at home are contributing in some way and doing it with a goal to get out of debt.
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