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Old 02-02-2017, 06:09 PM
 
348 posts, read 255,023 times
Reputation: 447

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto View Post
I think I've lost track of the number of times I've been blamed for the actions of a GROWN MAN. I was a SINGLE mother for crying out loud. I think it should be expected of me to not have done as good a job raising him as a married woman. Yeah, there are things I could have done better. But I certainly NEVER told him that it was okay to live off other people. I always told him to be nice to other children and to respect his teachers.

And to clarify, when I told him he could stay with me as long as he wanted, I didn't think he would want to stay with me very long. I thought he would be able to figure out himself that he needed to support himself. I mean, even a 7-year-old should realize that their parents will get old and die before them. There needs to be a good chunk of time between me supporting him, and him supporting me when I need it.
Maybe you were not very diplomatic when you had the conversation with him to leave. Maybe things were building up and you blurted out your need for him to leave. If you had a plan in place the discussion might have been more positive and calm.

However, there is nothing wrong with a child living with you until he has a college degree. At that point he should welcome the chance to get a job and live on his own. As parents we should raise our children to be independent and leave the home. Not stay at home since that sometimes leads to no direction in life.

I was raised by parents who worked hard but made sure we would move out when we became adults. We all left home at early ages and sometimes worked two jobs if that's what it took to survive. They would help us financially if we needed it but we were raised to stand on our feet.

I do not understand so many people who support their children long after they become adults. Many of my friends have continued to support their adult children financially while jeopardizing their retirement savings.

 
Old 02-02-2017, 06:30 PM
 
11,337 posts, read 11,006,487 times
Reputation: 14993
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebebe View Post
Maybe you were not very diplomatic when you had the conversation with him to leave. Maybe things were building up and you blurted out your need for him to leave. If you had a plan in place the discussion might have been more positive and calm.

However, there is nothing wrong with a child living with you until he has a college degree. At that point he should welcome the chance to get a job and live on his own. As parents we should raise our children to be independent and leave the home. Not stay at home since that sometimes leads to no direction in life.

I was raised by parents who worked hard but made sure we would move out when we became adults. We all left home at early ages and sometimes worked two jobs if that's what it took to survive. They would help us financially if we needed it but we were raised to stand on our feet.

I do not understand so many people who support their children long after they become adults. Many of my friends have continued to support their adult children financially while jeopardizing their retirement savings.

The problem is no backbone and no brains. But then again, we have a 50% divorce rate, rampant shacking up, single parent households left and right, kids dumped in daycare while one or both parents work, step-parents almost as common as parents, grandparents "raising" kids while their screwed up kids are single and working and ignoring their own kids. It's all one huge effing mess and nobody really knows what the heck they're doing. So the "kids living at home until they are 30" thing is just another symptom of a much bigger problem.
 
Old 02-02-2017, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Honolulu
1,708 posts, read 1,137,661 times
Reputation: 1399
Kicking the children out of your home prematurely, in many cases, is precisely jeopardizing their chances of achieving independence. On the other hand, letting your kid stay in your home until marriage, is helping them to achieve long term independence.

Assuming the child starts to save $5,000 per year after he graduates from college and gets his first job at age of 23, by the time he gets married at 28, he would have saved $25,000. With the other half who may have saved the same amount, the combined $50,000 will be enough for down payment for their first home in many cities.

By letting them staying in the home for some more years, as a parent, you are helping them build up their equity. Unlike 20 or 30 or 40 years ago, most fresh college graduates face stagnating income and burdened with huge student loan. In most cases, there is no way for them to save that significant amount of money.
 
Old 02-02-2017, 07:57 PM
 
Location: AZ
757 posts, read 833,370 times
Reputation: 3375
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto View Post
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.

My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.

He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.

He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.

Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
This is why NOT having children in today's context is not a bad idea. I do envy people who are close to their children and whose children are "successful". I enjoy my independence from mine and they do not seem to mind being out of touch. I resolved never to chase after my adult children. They are entitled to their lives and me to mine. With that said, I have made plans such that they will not have to bother with me when I am too old or infirm to take care of myself. I can think of few worse things than to live with a child. Better to kick off than that.
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:02 PM
 
Location: Marin County, CA
787 posts, read 640,920 times
Reputation: 869
Kick him out.

Whatever happened to discipline?

Did you do away with common sense when you "spared the rod"?
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:29 PM
 
1,190 posts, read 1,022,909 times
Reputation: 1034
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
You're right. I am going to have to go back to my archives of 70s television to gain a more advanced understanding of correct morality and proper parenting skills. OK, so let's just do that. Where to start... OK, let's do it alphabetically.


The A Team...
Brady Bunch
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:38 PM
 
2,813 posts, read 2,105,970 times
Reputation: 6129
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Who cares what he understands?
He's an immature dick.
Throw him out.
If that's true, it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:41 PM
 
11,337 posts, read 11,006,487 times
Reputation: 14993
Quote:
Originally Posted by NancyDrew1 View Post
Brady Bunch
Very good, and once the boys are teenagers, presuming they self-identify as cisgendered boys and not of the other 68 completely optional genders, they can gain an advanced understanding of female behavior and disposition from:


Charlie's Angels
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:45 PM
 
1,190 posts, read 1,022,909 times
Reputation: 1034
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
Very good, and once the boys are teenagers, presuming they self-identify as cisgendered boys and not of the other 68 completely optional genders, they can gain an advanced understanding of female behavior and disposition from:


Charlie's Angels
Oh now that is going too far
 
Old 02-02-2017, 08:54 PM
 
2,813 posts, read 2,105,970 times
Reputation: 6129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
This is incorrect. He is an adult, and needs to behave and live like an adult. Life isn't easy, and the best way to learn how to navigate it, is to indeed navigate it. Living with mommy and daddy at 23 is NOT NAVIGATING IT, but hiding from it. Any 23 year old in decent physical health can survive on their own, even in New York or San Francisco, much less Peoria, by rooming with other broke 23 year olds and hustling up a living. When I returned home after college, my mom let me stay in the house for a few months, and charged me $400/month, which I paid promptly. This was in 1982 or so, so $400 was a nice chunk of change and probably market rent for a room in a house. After a short time though, she prompted me to look for an apartment, and agreed to buy me some starter furniture. That is what happened, and in a short time, I was alone, lonely even, but independent and amazingly happy to be a functioning independent adult who HAD TO FIGURE IT OUT.


Throw him out, and let him figure it out. If you died, he'd figure it out. Do him the favor of allowing him the privilege and joy of figuring it out.
I can't believe you're not deeply ashamed of having been coddled like a giant man-baby Did she even let you pick out your new big boy bed all by yourself??

At least she raised you right enough that you can admit it was Mommy's generosity and "prompting" that got you successfully to full grown adulthood.

It seems everyone can use a little help now and then, doesn't it?
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