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So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
Tough love! It will make him grow up quickly. He can get 3-4 roommates and move into an apartment to start out. He should be used to that if he had roommates in college. His salary should be able to pay for his portion of that. I have a nephew who is a college grad and lives in a small house with three other guys. He has a bedroom the size of a large walk-in closet, but it his personal space. He cherishes it.
How is that fair? It's my house, not his. I'm the one paying the bills. It's my choice as to who gets to live there or not, just like you get to choose who lives or doesn't live in your house. It was nice enough of me to let him stay with me for a few months. He's 23, he should be supporting himself in his own place. How many 23-year-olds live with Mommy? I was stupid for even thinking of letting him live with me.
Do you not pay attention to the news? Plenty of young adults who return from college end up living back at home.
You stated he has low paying jobs, how do you expect him to pay rent?
You're very selfish, you also raised him, so if he is one of these kids who have no motivation and always had everything done for him, well you need to look in the mirror.
If that's not the case, and he is trying to find a better paying job, but can only find low paying ones well again, how do you expect him to pay rent for his own place, or even a roommate situation?
No one will want someone who will have trouble making rent every month.
What do you mean by "such a thing"? You think I'm unreasonable for wanting a 23-year-old man not to live off me like a little boy? Ask anyone who was kids over the age of 22 if they still want their kids living with them. We'll always love our kids more than anything but our kids are going to outlive us. That's why it's important for our kids to become self-sufficient. And you know what else? I'm getting to be an old woman(I'm 53), which means I'm not going to be around much longer and so I want to enjoy a relaxing life while I can.
LOL...53 is old? You could easily live another 30 years.
Both of my girls left home before age 20, and neither has needed to move back. One has a bachelor's degree in Psychology and is doing well and employed in her field. The other is a surgical tech, and planning to become a Nurse Practitioner. Both paid for their schooling on their own, and did it while living on their own and working at Walmart. I have zero sympathy for a 23 year old who has a degree and expects to be taken care of. Either he is not taking jobs he is qualified for, or he wasted his time in school on a BS(not a Bachelor of Science) degree. Either way, he needs to man up, find a job and make life work for him. Life isn't supposed to be easy starting out, you have to make it what you want it to be. Another thing. Call me a traitor in my own house, and you can pack and leave now. I never have tolerated disrespect from those I supported, and I am not about to start. Neither should anyone else.
Lol, a lot of his opinions are very strange in general. This isn't the first time I've gone at it with him.
For example, he also believes that if you aren't happily married, you're living a diminished life (which again, is false, but tries to pass it off as fact). Basically says a happily single person isn't truly happy
Like I said, he's entitled to his opinion, but it's when he (and anyone else) try to pass it off as fact is when I start calling them out.
That diminished life part about not being happily married is funny, because I was gonna give an example of someone else that lived at ''Home'' until 25 and is now doing alright. I have a close friend, who is quite a bit older than me. He'll be 46 this year. His parents moved out of state just a few months after he graduated high school, so he moved in with his best friend and his family. He was pretty close with the family already and he didn't wanna move out of state. So they took him, and he worked full time already and paid rent to them. Fast forward to when he was 24, that family was moving to the other side of the country. The two boys he was friends with, one unfortunately died in an accident and the other had already moved across the country about a year earlier. So then my friend proceeds to move into another friend's house with his family for a year.
So a year after that, when my friend was 25, he had enough money saved up and put a down payment on the house. He wound up moving the other friend in with him as a tenant and had his own house now, which he says would have been impossible if he didn't live with those two families at 18-25.
Now he turned out just fine, but because he's 45 and single, Marc may blame staying with these families until he was 25 as a reason that he's living a diminished life with never having a family, kids or being married.
Both of my girls left home before age 20, and neither has needed to move back. One has a bachelor's degree in Psychology and is doing well and employed in her field. The other is a surgical tech, and planning to become a Nurse Practitioner. Both paid for their schooling on their own, and did it while living on their own and working at Walmart. I have zero sympathy for a 23 year old who has a degree and expects to be taken care of. Either he is not taking jobs he is qualified for, or he wasted his time in school on a BS(not a Bachelor of Science) degree. Either way, he needs to man up, find a job and make life work for him. Life isn't supposed to be easy starting out, you have to make it what you want it to be. Another thing. Call me a traitor in my own house, and you can pack and leave now. I never have tolerated disrespect from those I supported, and I am not about to start. Neither should anyone else.
Even if he did get a "non-bs" degree as you put it, the fact of the matter is that it's not always easy to automatically jump into a good paying job nowadays. There's a ton of competition, and it's sometimes who you know, and not necessarily what you know. In the meantime, you may have to work menial type jobs until you hopefully find something better.
He may also be applying for better jobs, we don't know that. The OP hasn't given us an update...
My cousin lived at home with his parents (and eventually just his mother after his father passed away) until he was about 33. He did move out for a year while he was with his 20's and rented a place with a girlfriend. He always had a fool time job, he actually worked at the same company for over 16 years and had been working there for almost 14 when he was still living at his mother's house. He did have a problem with drugs early in adulthood, back when he was early-mid 20's. He always worked and not only contributed around the house financially, but physically as well. His parents were a bit older than him. When he was 33, he moved out permanently with his fiance and they eventually got married. He had good enough money for a down payment and then moved out and bought a house. Eventually he got a bigger house and had a kid.
Now in recent years, his life has changed for the worst. He got divorced, he hurt himself on his dirtbike and had to be out of work a few months, then filed bankruptcy. He's back on his feet now, but he had some poor years at the beginning of this decade. In my personal opinion, I think it was the divorce and the circumstances under which they split, which caused him to go off the deep end.
He's gonna be 51 this year, so he's not a millennial. I guess I would be a millennial? Isn't it anyone that graduated high school in 2000 or later? I graduated in 2001, so I'm on the younger part of the spectrum. I've heard some people say millennials go back to late 70's births though. I was born in December of 82.
I didn't move out for good until I was 27. I was in college most of those years. I couldn't afford to move and live someplace safe. I lived at home and helped with cooking and raising my younger siblings. The last ten months I had a job where I could support myself, but my parents were divorcing and so I stayed to help with the younger siblings. I was able to save up a significant amount of money during that time. It allowed me to be self sustaining after that. I tried to give my dad money during that time, but he wouldn't take it. I would sometimes buy groceries, but that was all I financially did in the way of paybacks.
My husband and I are ok with the kids living with us for a while. There will be rules and jobs even if they are menial. I might collect rent just so I can save it and give it back to them later. I'm not pushing them out the door just because they graduated or are a certain age. I will expect them to be responsible.
Both of my girls left home before age 20, and neither has needed to move back. One has a bachelor's degree in Psychology and is doing well and employed in her field. The other is a surgical tech, and planning to become a Nurse Practitioner. Both paid for their schooling on their own, and did it while living on their own and working at Walmart. I have zero sympathy for a 23 year old who has a degree and expects to be taken care of. Either he is not taking jobs he is qualified for, or he wasted his time in school on a BS(not a Bachelor of Science) degree. Either way, he needs to man up, find a job and make life work for him. Life isn't supposed to be easy starting out, you have to make it what you want it to be. Another thing. Call me a traitor in my own house, and you can pack and leave now. I never have tolerated disrespect from those I supported, and I am not about to start. Neither should anyone else.
That's great, although I think you embellished. Your daughters were able to live on their own and pay for their own college, I didn't realize Walmart paid so well.
And you never know what's round the bend. One of them could get laid off and ask to move back home. I know of a situation just like this. There are many of them.
The OP wasn't clear on what his degree is in or if he is one of these kids who took a large student loan(many have because they have the buy now pay later mindset), or maybe where they live there aren't too many jobs other than low paying ones.
I don't see where she expects him to go if he isn't making much money. This isn't a case of him shooting up heroin or stealing from her purse. She could try having a conversation with him and set up a timeline and a plan.
And you also better keep in mind they day may come when your girls may have to take care of you. How you treat your children comes back around.
Quick update. Thank you for all your responses. I see that most of you are no my side, which I feel very grateful for(though I'm not too fond of the people telling me it's my fault he's behaving the way he is). My son took me seriously and has now managed to land a job in his field to triple his previous salary. He's also been staying out of my way a lot more. He spends most of the time in his room, and eats out a lot or with friends so I can eat dinner in peace.
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