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My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
Just a quick reality check. If she was away at school you would have no say in this. That is part of the college experience like it or not. And you need to pick your battles, she is clearly committed to this relationship. Which is more important, not letting her have her bf in her room, or her staying in college.
Just a quick reality check. If she was away at school you would have no say in this. That is part of the college experience like it or not. And you need to pick your battles, she is clearly committed to this relationship. Which is more important, not letting her have her bf in her room, or her staying in college.
I don't see where she is fully committed to this relationship.
When the daughter stated this: She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future!
That is a child throwing a tantrum to try and get her way. Not buying it. Time to grow up.
I don't see where she is fully committed to this relationship.
When the daughter stated this: She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future!
That is a child throwing a tantrum to try and get her way. Not buying it. Time to grow up.
Your house, your rules. If she can't abide by them she should get that second job and move out on her own. Even if she was contributing, which you said she isn't, this is your house.
This is completely true.
But if you chose to go that route, and treat her like a child, you need to consider the possible consequences for her long term prospects.
She may well chose to move out. With him. And since she has more stuff to pay for, take extra shifts at her job. And cut her class load back. And slowly withdraw from her academic pursuits. Maybe get pregnant. Is that what you want? Is it worth not allowing her to sit under a blanket on the couch with her boyfriend?
I'm not suggesting you allow yourself to be held hostage in your home. And I do understand you have a younger daughter you want to protect (although seeing two adults cuddling under a blanket on a couch is hardly scandalous.)
You might want to sit down and talk to her like an adult about your concerns, and come to an agreement on whats ok and not ok. And, objectively consider, are your requests borne out of genuine concern, or an ick factor because she's your daughter.
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
The amount of time YOU'VE known the guy is irrelevant to the nature of your daughter's physical relationship with him esp. because she's been involved with him for 5 months.
I think a lot of parents would be glad that their daughter wanted to remain a part of her family and integrate her boyfriend into that, instead of shutting out her family. But that's what you've now caused to happen and of course she's spending all of her time at his place, because wherever it happens, they are doing the normal things a 22 and 20 year old couple do together.
I suggest you talk to your daughter and set up ground rules you can both live with - because as you've seen, when you try to make it "my way or the highway" your daughter is going to choose the highway.
We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about).
...
What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place.
...
She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out.
So let her go. She's 20 years old, not 15.
She's just being dramatic, in all likelihood. Call her bluff. She won't be able to afford to move out.
My daughter tried this crap and I told her go ahead and quit school, but you won't be staying here. Go ahead and flip burgers, and sleep in your car. Wow how much fun that will be.
I think we have lots of old posters with antique thinking.
For legal purposes, your daughter is an adult. I suggest she get boarding at school for next semester so she can have her freedom. She is not 14. At her age I did buy a house and live with my boyfriend.
I did stop going to college so I could work a few jobs and pay the mortgage. I did have my first child by 24.
Or you could encourage her to stay in school by not making this a battle. Get her access to birth control and tell them to go to her room for privacy, because no one needs to see what they are doing under the blankets.
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