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My parents would have never tolerated that behavior in their home, especially around younger siblings.
My aunt and uncle do. They are helping raise their young grandchild and both adult children live at home, along with a fiancee.
YMMV.
Interestingly enough, my parents were ok with it, once I brought the right guy home 36 years ago. No accidental grandchildren either.
I understand some parents are uncomfortable with their unmarried kids having sex in their homes. And I do think they have every right to say so. But I also think they are being unrealistic when those kids are actually college age, and put their relationships with their children in peril by not relaxing a bit.
I would not let my daughter do any of that stuff until she is married.
Good luck with that.
OP, you need to let go. She's not a little girl. I do think the 11 year old should be shielded a bit, but you are being overly strict with the 20 year old. I don't blame her for spending less time at home and more time at his place.
Oh, look, I got a "pity's sake" from "Katarina Witt." LOL
Yes, I have two sons that age, and I recognize the signs of a mom who has not caught up to where her kids are. No one said she needs to be "just another adult," but her parenting, as you well know, needs to be age appropriate.
I DO have rules for my house, but the 20-somethings don't follow the same rules the 13-year-old does.
The OP needs to recalibrate, which is NOT the same as giving up or giving in.
What's that supposed to mean? Do you always make fun of people's idiosyncrasies? Nice!
This girl is just 20, and as I read the OP, mom is sad for the loss of closeness. It's not like she wants to treat the DD as a little girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
You have to realize your little girl is no more. She is a young lady and you are doing your best to lose her completely with your antique, bizarre behavior.
How are they going to have a relationship if they can't have a relationship that is more than just being friends??? And you know she stays over night at his place AND THEY HAVE SEX but she cannot even be alone with him in her room???
I think it is insane from you to think they do nothing but cuddling. They probably were napping because they came home from having sex in a car somewhere. They probably have sex everywhere except in your house.
My parents were like yours - but I was 15. I had sex everywhere outdoors, the strangest places and mostly BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO have a bf at all.
If you want to lose her, keep doing what you are doing. She'll gonna move out, quit school and work a crappy job. And then get preggos.
Enough with the "antique" stuff.
I don't see that the moms says anywhere that she thinks the kids aren't having sex.
Where did you get your crystal ball for the rest? I want one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Interestingly enough, my parents were ok with it, once I brought the right guy home 36 years ago. No accidental grandchildren either.
I understand some parents are uncomfortable with their unmarried kids having sex in their homes. And I do think they have every right to say so. But I also think they are being unrealistic when those kids are actually college age, and put their relationships with their children in peril by not relaxing a bit.
Many parents say "not in my house". And this mom does have an 11 year old to think of, too. Lots of us were raised that way and do not hate our parents for it.
I have two sons who are in their late 20s now and living on their own. When they were college-aged they both knew that if they needed to lay up with their SOs, then they needed to go get a hotel room.
My house, my rules. I'm not playing let's make a deal with an adult when my name is on the deed. I don't care if they are contributing or not. Which mine weren't. They definitely knew not to bring up what other parents did. I didn't give a care.
You have to realize your little girl is no more. She is a young lady and you are doing your best to lose her completely with your antique, bizarre behavior.
How are they going to have a relationship if they can't have a relationship that is more than just being friends??? And you know she stays over night at his place AND THEY HAVE SEX but she cannot even be alone with him in her room???
I think it is insane from you to think they do nothing but cuddling. They probably were napping because they came home from having sex in a car somewhere. They probably have sex everywhere except in your house.
My parents were like yours - but I was 15. I had sex everywhere outdoors, the strangest places and mostly BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO have a bf at all.
If you want to lose her, keep doing what you are doing. She'll gonna move out, quit school and work a crappy job. And then get preggos.
Did that happen to you, Eve? My parents didn't let me have boys in my room. Nothing bad happened to me.
What's that supposed to mean? Do you always make fun of people's idiosyncrasies? Nice!
This girl is just 20, and as I read the OP, mom is sad for the loss of closeness. It's not like she wants to treat the DD as a little girl.
Enough with the "antique" stuff.
I don't see that the moms says anywhere that she thinks the kids aren't having sex.
Where did you get your crystal ball for the rest? I want one.
Many parents say "not in my house". And this mom does have an 11 year old to think of, too. Lots of us were raised that way and do not hate our parents for it.
It was the very last line that got me..."What happened to my little girl?" It seems like she doesn't understand age appropriate behavior. I'm not saying the op should allow them to have sex in the house, or anything, but it seems like they should be able to watch TV alone in a room with the door open. I wonder what the BF's living situation is. If he does not live with his parents, then of course they're going to hang out at his place.
I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room either, but my BF's always had their own place (with room mates or whatever), so we hung out there, and my parents didn't give me grief about sleeping over there, either, because if I'd gone away to school, they'd have zero control.
It was the very last line that got me..."What happened to my little girl?" It seems like she doesn't understand age appropriate behavior. I'm not saying the op should allow them to have sex in the house, or anything, but it seems like they should be able to watch TV alone in a room with the door open. I wonder what the BF's living situation is. If he does not live with his parents, then of course they're going to hang out at his place.
I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room either, but my BF's always had their own place (with room mates or whatever), so we hung out there, and my parents didn't give me grief about sleeping over there, either, because if I'd gone away to school, they'd have zero control.
Mine either. I will not knowingly allow teen sexual activity to go on in my home. It's not just about the act. It's about their maturity and ability to handle what comes with it. I would rather have my step daughter gain more maturity and invest in herself so that when she is ready for a relationship, she can have a great one without losing anything else, like the ability to get a good education and to have a college experience that opens her mind to all the world has to offer.
I think too-early sex can really short change teens.
Mine either. I will not knowingly allow teen sexual activity to go on in my home. It's not just about the act. It's about their maturity and ability to handle what comes with it. I would rather have my step daughter gain more maturity and invest in herself so that when she is ready for a relationship, she can have a great one without losing anything else, like the ability to get a good education and to have a college experience that opens her mind to all the world has to offer.
I think too-early sex can really short change teens.
I'm talking about when I was in college, over 20; and the op is talking about a 20 year old, not a teen.
We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to.
The thing is your daughter is old enough to decide whether she wants to have sex with this guy. Living in your house does not give you control over her sex life. You can tell her she can't have sex in your house. You can tell her she can't hang out in her room with her boyfriend. Those are all fully in your control.
However, you cannot tell her whether to have sex or not. What you have to decide is whether stopping her from having sex in your house is important enough to ruin her future.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cjb321
I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends.
IMO you are being ridiculous. The rules for a young adult should not be the same as the rules for a high school kid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cjb321
What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
You have to decide whether it is sooooooo important that she not have sex in your house that you push her to throw away her future. You already know she is having sex at his place so what is the difference if they have sex in your house? Why is where she has sex so important that you would make her want to move out of your house?
I am the parent of young adults. One thing that is very important to me is that my kids obtain their education and are prepared to support themselves after they graduate from college (one down, two to go). IMO that is more important than their sex lives. I taught them about birth control and STDs. The rest of it is up to them. My kids are welcome to have their significant others stay over at our house after they graduate from high school. They have not had a string of random women in and out of the house. Serious girlfriends only.
Mine either. I will not knowingly allow teen sexual activity to go on in my home. It's not just about the act. It's about their maturity and ability to handle what comes with it. I would rather have my step daughter gain more maturity and invest in herself so that when she is ready for a relationship, she can have a great one without losing anything else, like the ability to get a good education and to have a college experience that opens her mind to all the world has to offer.
I think too-early sex can really short change teens.
The OP's daughter is not a teen.
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