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Old 03-15-2017, 06:18 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,104 posts, read 17,640,353 times
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wow when did parents and stepparents stop shoving a foot up a kids behind and tell them this is it or no tv and I'm going to treat you like you are in prison so you wont stay on this path and end up there ? I remember my dad telling my brother some stuff and then he cleaned out his bedroom and stripped sheets took every electronic out of the room all he had was a clock and a mattress and a pillow . my dad left a set of folded sheets on the bed and told him to make the bed . Boy did my brother get in shape then it took him about a month and he never acted that way again . Sometimes you have to get his brain trained to your way of thinking .
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Old 03-15-2017, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Business ethics is an oxymoron.
1,671 posts, read 2,078,698 times
Reputation: 3266
Thanks for all the feedback.
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Old 03-15-2017, 07:25 AM
 
12,404 posts, read 9,195,957 times
Reputation: 8863
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
The vast majority of 13 yos are not addicted to video games, and in fact are just normal kids who have not developed enough to understand the notion that consequences have actions.

Addiction is a strong word that no one on an internet forum has any business assigning based on a post.
Gee, all or nothing? That's not how the real world works. Human development, both normal and abnormal, lie on a continuum. OP's stepson is exhibiting some concerning signs of possible addiction; this is not an assertion that he has a clinical addiction disorder, only that is is a possible area of concern.
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Old 03-15-2017, 07:31 AM
 
12,404 posts, read 9,195,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Time to grow up.

And to the OP.

Yes, you will have to tell him something hundreds of times before he "gets it". Show him dozens and dozens of times. Do you know what they call that? PARENTING. If you only had to tell or show them something occasionally they wouldn't need parents.

Teenagers are not smaller adults. They are biologically different especially when it comes to brain development. Nothing you have described OP is odd for teenagers, especially ones whose mother is remarried, which typically inspires some real acting out, which you have not described.

Count your blessings it could be much worse.
Ultimately the problem is that the way someone's behavior is described on an online forum is often not enough info to definitively say whether the behavior is normal or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that we simply do not know. It sounds like it may be concerning, but it also may just be a variant of normal. Some people are like this, and it is not an issue of immature brains, it is an issue of frustrated step-parents who have to deal with the messes. It's the exact same thing you see with frustrated landlords who complain about tenants trashing the place. They are frustrated for the exact same reason. Brain development is not the issue - the issue is that it is very frustrating when someone trashes your house. I get it.

The other issue is that no one, and by this I mean no one, knows what physical changes of brain growth could lead to what behavior. We cannot simulate a human brain on a computer, so it is impossible to empirically prove any such claim. Correlation is not causation.

ETA - I know I am going on a bit of a rant - but even clinicians seem to be over- and mis- diagnosing at an alarming rate, both physicians and mental health professionals...

Last edited by ncole1; 03-15-2017 at 08:01 AM..
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:34 AM
 
4,779 posts, read 1,542,522 times
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Sorry I don't buy the teenagers, ah teenagers are all lazy slackers. Um no. They are lazy because the parents allow it.

Unless the mom is onboard with getting this kid focused on responsibility, I'd say it's a lost cause. It will always be 2 against 1.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:36 AM
 
4,779 posts, read 1,542,522 times
Reputation: 7846
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
wow when did parents and stepparents stop shoving a foot up a kids behind and tell them this is it or no tv and I'm going to treat you like you are in prison so you wont stay on this path and end up there ? I remember my dad telling my brother some stuff and then he cleaned out his bedroom and stripped sheets took every electronic out of the room all he had was a clock and a mattress and a pillow . my dad left a set of folded sheets on the bed and told him to make the bed . Boy did my brother get in shape then it took him about a month and he never acted that way again . Sometimes you have to get his brain trained to your way of thinking .
Yep, my dad wold come through with a trash bag and take all the stuff on the floor if we didn't clean our room.

We'd get it back a week later. That only happens once or twice before "Go clean your room" has real meaning and ends with a .... clean room.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:50 AM
 
15,743 posts, read 13,171,628 times
Reputation: 19636
Quote:
Originally Posted by ncole1 View Post
Ultimately the problem is that the way someone's behavior is described on an online forum is often not enough info to definitively say whether the behavior is normal or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that we simply do not know. It sounds like it may be concerning, but it also may just be a variant of normal. Some people are like this, and it is not an issue of immature brains, it is an issue of frustrated step-parents who have to deal with the messes. It's the exact same thing you see with frustrated landlords who complain about tenants trashing the place. They are frustrated for the exact same reason. Brain development is not the issue - the issue is that it is very frustrating when someone trashes your house. I get it.

The other issue is that no one, and by this I mean no one, knows what physical changes of brain growth could lead to what behavior. We cannot simulate a human brain on a computer, so it is impossible to empirically prove any such claim. Correlation is not causation.

ETA - I know I am going on a bit of a rant - but even clinicians seem to be over- and mis- diagnosing at an alarming rate, both physicians and mental health professionals...
Actually the issue is brain development. Abstract reasoning does not occur for most teenagers until 15 or so, and for many quite a bit later. It is most likely that this child has not developed enough yet to abstractly reason that he should do his chores. That is one of the reasons teenagers are not adults and treating them as such is frustrating and pointless.

Piaget, Jean. "Piagetís theory of cognitive development." Childhood cognitive development: The essential readings (2000): 33-47.
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Old 03-15-2017, 09:55 AM
 
12,404 posts, read 9,195,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Actually the issue is brain development. Abstract reasoning does not occur for most teenagers until 15 or so, and for many quite a bit later. It is most likely that this child has not developed enough yet to abstractly reason that he should do his chores. That is one of the reasons teenagers are not adults and treating them as such is frustrating and pointless.

Piaget, Jean. "Piagetís theory of cognitive development." Childhood cognitive development: The essential readings (2000): 33-47.
Why are you citing a secondary source on Piaget instead of Piaget's original work? Have you even read Piaget's original work? He actually finds formal operational thought in children as young as 11.
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Old 03-15-2017, 10:36 AM
 
Location: West of Louisiana, East of New Mexico
2,493 posts, read 1,852,026 times
Reputation: 5623
It starts with your wife.

Your stepson has no reason to listen to you when your wife is offering a completely different message. You'll need to figure out why she's so soft and work on improving that aspect of her. Even if the boy was your biological son, when two parents have conflicting parenting styles, kids will generally follow the instructions of the "easier" parent.

1.) Find a consensus on how to parent with your wife. She needs to realize that when you married her, you married her kid as well. You have to be husband AND father.

2.) Take his bedroom door off the hinges

3.) Remove ALL electronics from his room. All he needs is a computer in the living room for homework (and he doesn't really NEED that).

4.) Find out what he's interested in. I can't imagine that he's completely without interests besides video games. Cut off the TV's and spend time talking to him. Just keep talking so that he opens up.
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Old 03-15-2017, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,019 posts, read 7,193,418 times
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I'm wondering how much experience you have with children Des-Lab? Are you expecting a 13 year old to think like an adult? I have a now 15 year old in my life that has been around me since she was 6. Add La Horror to her name and that's what I called her. She is still on the selfish side, entitled, lazy and has to be prodded into taking a shower when she spends the night. She also has a stubborn streak and has impulse control issues. Yikes, one would ask why I would bother. Well you see I love her and her sister. Yes she is all that but she is also more then just being a challenge. She loves me back and likes to give back in ways that she can only understand at 15. These are not adults. They are children and will think like children. Our job as adults is to guide them with love, even when that seems impossible. I live in their world, listen to their awful music and relate to them as much as possible on their level. It's sometimes difficult for me to do because I am an adult. Yet, they still want to be with me. Your step son seems to be trying to tune you out. Nagging, badgering, belittling, and even reasoning don't work with kids that basically want nothing to do with you, but are trapped in their situation. I've had to leave the horrible one behind and out of the fun on more then one occasion, and just take her sister, who is a dream child. It broke my heart to see her cry as we left, but she knows now that if I ask her to stop doing what she's doing and she doesn't, there will be consequences. She broke her phone recently by slamming it on the table out of anger, so she still has some problems. I do think she realizes how dumb that was. Will she do other dumb things? Of course. She's 15 and those teenage years are often difficult.

You don't have to be besties with your step son, but I wish you could meet a friend of mine. He took his wife's son in when he was 15 and out of an abusive custody with his father. He paid for the attorneys and had only love and kindness for his step son. Unfortunately he was in rehab twice for heroine addiction in his early 20's, but his step father was there not to judge, but to hold his hand every step of the way. Fast forward ten years and he's now a fine young man in college and serving his country. He enlisted so his step father wouldn't have to pay any more money for his college. It's sweet the way he calls him every day, and he's closer to his step father then he is to his mother.

If you want that kind of relationship with your step son, then first begin by accepting him for who he is. If you want to create a mini me, then reproduce. You might come close by getting someone who looks like you. Your anger in this thread seems to be a reflection on how you are treating your step son (?) I'd tune you out as much as possible as well if you are being a bully. Yes it is difficult treating another with love and kindness when you don't especially like them, but isn't that what we're supposed to do as adults? Teach by example, not by authority.
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