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Old 03-22-2017, 01:30 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,082 times
Reputation: 10

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Hello. This is most likely going to be long, but I am really hoping some people take the time to read this. Ok so! I'm a teenage girl, 15. I have 2 siblings, and then there is my parents. I live my parents, very much, and I don't want to get them in trouble or anything if that sorts, but I have wondered lately if I am experiencing emotional abuse. If I am, it wouldn't be on purpose, my parents aren't like that. But it could be happening on accident. But whenever I try to mention something of the sorts my parents tell me that I'm over reacting and I'm being dramatic. And I really want someone from the outside to tell me their honest thoughts! Let's start with this, from the outside, I'm very blessed, I have a horse, and a nice house, and good food to eat, and clothes to wear, an I'm definitely grateful, but does that mean everything is ok? That might be confusing, but what I mean is, whenever I tell my parents about something, they always bring up the fact that I'm ungrateful, I have all these nice things etc. but, does that mean everything is ok? In my opinion, no, uh could have a million dollars and your life could suck. Life is more than things. Right? So let me tell you about my situation. My mom and I fight a lot, and lately Ive tried to be nicer, but it honestly doesn't change a thing. My mom and I mostly fight about little things. My mother is very controlling, not like, normal parent kind of controlling, like, boarderline control freak. I have started to train a horse, I've had him for about 2 weeks, and almost every other day if we fight, she says "Yoh know I have the power to take him away"
I understand punishing when I do wrong. That is her job as a parent. But constantly hanging the fact that she is "powerful" seems wrong. And she says it in this tone, like nothing she has ever said before, like a tone that says "in your face" you know? It's like she isn't doing it to teach me or parent me, she is doing it purely so she can show that she is better. It just started lately. And I don't know how to react or what to do. But aside from that, she is always blaming me for everything. i know sometimes she is jokeing. But it still hurts. My mom is overweight. And She is always blaming me, saying that because she had one more kid (in the youngest, that left kid is me) she is big, or I'm the reason she has back pain, or I'm the reason she can't have nice things, or in the reason the house is a mess, or I'm the reason that we have family issues. And I've never heard of a parent even joking with their child about that, EVER. Next, lets talk about how my family "Works things out"
When my mom and I fight, she says, we need to work it out. Which most of the time I would be up for, I don't like to fight. So we go and sit down at the table and for an hour my mom tells me to shut up and sit down and tells me all the reasons why I'm wrong and ungrateful and a brat. Oh yeah, she lives that word. Brat. She uses it all the time to describe me. We will go out and I'll say something, and she will take t completely the wrong way and start calling me a brat and telling me that this is why I'm the problem, etc. I don't get it. Most of the time I'm just being myself and not being rude. I'm just going about my business. So then this pst week it escalated. Not only did she start threatening her "power" but she also talked to me in the car about how I can't do this one thing without her approval. This might be hard for non horse people to understand. But I'm training this horse, and rift now I'm feeling good about it. There are lots of methods for training, and I use the one that words for me. But she told me that in order for me to touch this horse, I must tell her how I'm gonna do it, and tell her why, and she must approve. I can't work with him or do anything. Mind you, I have been doing "that horse thing" for more than double the time she has been doing it. I started and then about 3 years later she wanted to try riding. So it's not like I'm clueless and she is trying to help. It's because she can't stand me doing something that she cannot control. I swear! And then there is my dad. I've talked to him about my mom, and once, he said he knew what the issue was but I had to "live with it" he stinking told me he knew my mom was a problem but I had to "live with it" I love g dad, but.. seriously? Then tonight. I talked to him about my mom controlling me and my horse. And he said.. "For the past few months you have talked to me about your mom, and all I'm hearing is how you dislike that she is in control, and how you don't like it.
(Mind oh, I've never said anything about her and controlling me, kept it to myself) you need to get over it. Guess what, guy are 15, we are the adults and we control your life right now. If you don't lien it we can get rid of the horse."
Me: (am very ashamed that I said this, I'm not disrespectful like this, I try hard) "You can take alway the horse, you can take away the phone, you can make me sleep on the floor with no pillow, you can take everything away. And it won't change the fact that we will still have problems! We will still have these issues. Because the horse isn't the problem. The phone isn't the problem.
Him: "stop yelling (j wasn't but whatever I guess), your choices are to let your mmom m approve you to train or you get rid of the horse."
Me: so basically my choices are to be miserable without him or be miserable while mom controls my every move? I'm done.
(Mom walks in and blocks me from leaving.)
Me, starts crying (I'm a cryer) "Other parents don't control their kids like this. Are we done here?"
Him: we will be done when I say we are done, you are the child and it's our job to control your life. Now we are done."
Me (walks out, yells from the other room) "can I get a glass of water or would you like to control that too?"
Him: Yes, don't get water.

And I don't mean to gloat, but I feel that I must in order to plead my case. I'm a good kid. Not the best. But I'm a good kid. I've never done drugs, never even thought about it, never drank, or gone to a part, I'm homeschooled, so I've never been to a school dance, j don't wear crop tips or booty shorts, I'm a virgin and I've never had a boyfriend, never kissed anyone besides my family, never flaunted my body. Never cussed, I've never broken the law, I've never snuck out, I wouldn't ever think about doing something bad behind their backs (besides this) I do my chores, I say thank you, I make diner 5 nights a week.. I try my hardest to clean up after myself, I don't hang out with bad people, I have 3 friends in total, one I haven't seen in ages. I'm benefally a good kid. Right? For goodness sakes I don't even wear makeup. Because I am confident with my face and I'm comfortable with not wearing it. I've never bullied anyone, never would dream of hurting someone. I try so very hard not to fight you guys, I really do try! After a stressful week with non stop fighting, and I'm so glad tha is annonomous, because I would never tell anyone this... but the past 3 nights I have cried myself to sleep. It's like I get into bed and I have nothing to distract me. I can't talk to my sister or read a book. It's just me, alone.
The first night I cried because my mom told me that day (over email) that I had a nice smile. And that night it sunk in that my mom hadn't outright complimented me is so long. All she ever does is pick at everything I do. My bra, my hair. She Sheryl cannot pick at my clothes because I'm so madest and good about the clothes I wear! I just fell apart when I went to bed
The second night I cried because the whole time I was working with my horse my mom was yelling at me. It was so exsausting, emotionally. To sit and listen to he pick and yell and critique me. I wouldn't be surprised if she started to judge the way I was breathing. Then afterwards she told me I couldn't work him for the rest of the week.
And tonight I cried myself to sleep because of my dad. It's midnight and I woke back up and decided to write this.
There is so much more that I can't even remember parts. The constant fighting and picking and threatening and the insults. The judgements and just everything. After my gift with my dad I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat down and cried for about 10 minutes. I asked myself if it was worth it. If living was worth it. I've only ever thought about this one other time. But this time it felt so real. I thought of why I should even keep going. Over half of my life was going g to be wasted by my parents being control freaks. Why even keep going? It scared me, but at the same time I didn't even care. A few minutes later my sister came to the door. She has experienced the same sorts of things I have and so we talk a lot about it. ( parents and stuff) but the thing is, I'm going to be honest here, if it wasn't for her, I am 99% sure that if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have either ran away, or possibly hurt myself by now. I just can't take it anymore. I can't handle the constant emotional battle going on. Is it just me? My sister is moving out soon. Idk what's going to happen. I need your guys' thoughts on this.

And lastly I want to know, if this gets really bad, could I go live with my sister. My sister is 18, almost 19, very responsible and reliable. She just got a solid paid internship that is becoming a job
Once she finishes school. She is finishing school with a great degree within the next 2 years, it garentees a great job and good money, so if this were to happen she could support me. And as soon as I'm old enough I'm 100% willing to pay rent or whatever if she wants.
And I think I've thought of everything as far as bills like phone and water etc. but if you have any info that is important about living on your own that you would like to share with me I would appreciate that a ton.!
Aside from it being very possible. I want to talk about legal stuff. I live in Oregon and can't find any websites talking about the legal side of it. By the time this happened, if t happened, I would be 16. Is it legal for me to live with my sister if it gets bad? And what must I do to make is possible? My brother is older but I'm certain he wouldn't take me in because he is going for a major degree and is busy, and doesn't have a steady job at the moment. So does anyone have any info about the legal side of things for my state?
I'm sorry this was so long. If I have nothing better to do. I don't want to sleep or cry or live. I just want to make it all stop, you know? Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any spelling errors.(I'm sure there are a lot, my phone is bad with typing..) I'm open to all opinions just please don't insult me if I am just over reacting. Le time down easy please. I'm currently hurt enough and j really don't need that at the moment. But honestly is appreciated. Thank you.
XOXO
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Old 03-22-2017, 05:34 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,671,004 times
Reputation: 98359
Hey Kit Kat:

Hang in there.

Your story sounds very familiar.

It sounds like you are doing a LOT of things right. And I mean a LOT of things. One thing to remember is that your parents are human and, as you know, they can make mistakes too.

One thing some parents do is they take out their sadness and frustrations about their own lives on those around them. It sounds like that is a lot of what is going on here. Your mom is probably having a lot of conflicting feelings about your growing up and comparing your potential future to one she may have envisioned for herself. Either way, she is probably taking out on YOU some things she does not have resolved within herself. If that is the case, you need to remember that you did not cause that.

I would advise you to keep going ... keep doing what you are doing in YOUR life, with your grades and your horses and your personal values etc, and get into college. There is a LOT going on with your folks, apparently ... more than we can resolve here.

But I would keep going about your business, understand that your mom is obviously in pain and your dad uses the "live with it" philosophy to keep the peace and make it through the tough times with her.

Focus on graduating from high school getting into college and getting out from under your parents' thumb. I'm not saying that EVERYTHING they have told you is wrong, but it does sound like the way they are doing it, with lectures and blaming and power trips, is misguided.

Talk to your sister; she probably went through a lot of the same thing. When you get to college, look into the university counseling service and talk to a pro there about your situation.

It sounds like you're trying to look into emancipation, and I can't offer any advice on that, but I would pick my battles, keep the peace until you get out, and live YOUR life when you graduate.
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Old 03-22-2017, 07:04 AM
 
1,835 posts, read 2,011,170 times
Reputation: 4351
KitKat, many parents are terrified of all the terrible things that can happen to their teenagers. Some think that any evidence of independent impulses, in your case, ideas about how how you want to train your horse, are the beginning of a catastrophic rebellion that may end in unwed pregnancy, drug addiction or crime. By constantly reminding you that their authority is absolute, your parents hope to protect you from these dangers.

There is probably nothing you can say to convince your parents that you are not seeking occasions for greater disobedience. The only way to allay their fears is to obey them. When they pull you aside for a discussion about your misbehavior, simply ask what they want you to do differently. Be intent on learning how to do things their way, even if their way doesn't make sense to you. Pretend your mother is a horse training expert, even if you secretly believe she knows little about the subject.

Remember that your parents love you and want the best for you, even if not all their concerns are realistic.
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Old 03-22-2017, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,549 posts, read 30,308,210 times
Reputation: 88950
I am sorry you are going though this. I have a 15 year old niece in a similar situation. Her father won't let he do anything outside the house or have friends. He is extremely controlling because he would rather avoid any potential problems. Sadly this will backfire. Kids should be able to make "some" mistakes when they are at home to learn from them. A completely sheltered child cannot learn until sometimes it is too late. She basically lives in a jail. Her older sisters were raised the same. Two of the three are not well adjusted young adults and cannot do anything on their own without asking Daddy. One is 23 and one is 25. It's pretty sad that he made them so dependent. They have all kinds of issues and hang ups and they are very mentally weak. Then there is the other sister who at 18 ran away. She is the only one I think has a chance as she is out from under her father's thumb.

Anyway...for you, hang in there. Continue to be a good daughter and try not to get into any arguments. Sometimes they are really not worth it. Don't try to leave now as you are a minor and you don't have any rights yet. Your parents will just drag you back. See if you can stay at your sister's over some weekends to get a break.

You only have 3 more years. I know that seems like a long time but later on you will see it's not so bad. Plan for your future and work towards that goal. Once you are out you can get some counseling if you need it. Good luck.
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Old 03-22-2017, 11:02 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,082 times
Reputation: 10
Thanks everyone who has replied. Thanks for reading that super long novel I wrote �� And writing honest replies. Right now aside from talking to my sister, I know this sound very silly, but I do have minecraft. Hah. It's a nice escape for me. I'm able to do as I please and not get in trouble or be controlled. So I do have a sort of release, until mom walks in. But the only real upside I have found is that my sister and I have been closer. When we were little and just when we were growing up in general, we fought. Not like normal sisters, we really fought bad. And one day we both just decided that we would be better of with each other then against. Because at that point we had no one to talk to or go to. So having a nice relationship with my sister is a nice upside. And I'm trying to flocks on that. Thank you all again.
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