Dads with Stay - At - Home Wives: what is your night strategy? (children, husband)

[Metaphysique]

Originally Posted by Jayerdu

Ha. I wish. Unfortunately, my working salary would be 1/4 of his.

My point isn't that sahm should not do any chores. My point has always been families should do what is best for them based on strengths and weakness not some predetermined "should be" roles. That is all.

Btw, in my family I do everything w/r to chores except for cooking dinner. My husband loves to cook and finds it relaxing. This is our arrangement because we agreed it would be best for our family. So, when he is at home, he can just be dad and spend time with kids.

Originally Posted by Cloudwalker

MPowering1, why are you assuming that there aren't some families switching roles already? I was the sole income earner when our first child was 5-20 months and again when our second child was 2.5-3.5. Most of the time I made dinner and did the chores when I got home. Sometimes they were already done and sometimes we did them together, but mostly it was me, especially in the earlier days. We both felt that I had the better end of the deal, by far.

It was a demanding senior professional job (and I nursed till 10 mths), but I still had the ability to be on my own and to control my day in a way that my husband did not. I didn't begrudge him "clocking out" at all, and vice versa when he went back to work and I stayed home, because we both knew the exhaustion that can come from the relentless demands of small childhood.

The OP has willingly stepped up to support his wife, first during her pregnancy and now with a newborn, well done. He's not complaining about doing the chores, it's other posters that seems to think that's "wrong". I'm sure they'll work out an arrangement for that 1 am feed, and with a bit of luck it'll get phased out soon enough anyway and they can all get better sleep.

+1.

My husband did a lot of the chores, school drop-off and pickup during the first 4-5 months postpartum after our youngest was born. Of all five births and postpartum periods, it was by far the most exhausting and challenging due to PPH-induced anemia and a displaced uterus. It took *months* before I felt just okay. Then I got hit with chronic joint pain and a host of other symptoms that drained my energy, and I've never quite felt totally back to normal. My midwife speculated the PPH ad anemia could have trigger other issues that worsened my postpartum period and beyond.

I also dealt with PPD after every birth. All five. My husband was nothing but supportive. I rarely ever had to ask if he could do x, y and z. He just did it. We all contribute in ways we can for the given circumstances.

I've also been the solo-parent of a high maintenance newborn, and even then, I received help from my mother. She offered to do housework or take the kids. She was incredibly supportive.

I will never understand folks who presume to know what works best for others, or assume that what worked for them should be the case for every family. That's not how it works. My husband and I are fortunate that we're on the exact same page when it comes to these matters. We never had to hash out nighttime routine since I already had a routine/practice that I employed with all of my babies. But the times that I was dealing with a lot, he stepped up. If the reflux was really acting up, he took her for a period of time and rocked and walked her to sleep. If I needed to writer a paper for school and was up late, he did the dream feed or took her for a walk in the carrier.

You just have a find a system that works for your particular situation.

Originally Posted by ClaraC

[...]

And here's the God's honest truth. Taking care of a newborn is the easiest thing you'll ever do as a parent. Easy peasy. The older they get (until they're 21) the harder they are. Little babies, little problems. Big kids, big problems. When your child is 17 you'll wonder what in the world made you think taking care of a newborn was hard. ;D

That may be your truth, but it's not every parent's truth. It just isn't. The "You just wait until..." is such a tired platitude. Each baby/adolescent/teen is different, which stands to reason each stage of development will be unique to each child.

[Magritte25]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

And here's the God's honest truth. Taking care of a newborn is the easiest thing you'll ever do as a parent. Easy peasy. The older they get (until they're 21) the harder they are. Little babies, little problems. Big kids, big problems. When your child is 17 you'll wonder what in the world made you think taking care of a newborn was hard. ;D

For me (only speaking for myself lest any of our fave Parenting board members think I'm being too opinionated or pushy)...

The ages between 4 and 11 were the easiest. The kids were much more independent, able to dress and feed themselves, clean their own rooms, no more diapers or baby food, they could behave well when we went out etc. Also, not too much backtalk, eye rolls, attitude, etc. that we see now with emotional, hormonal teenagers.

[Kibbiekat]

I also don't agree that parenting an infant was the easiest. So far the ages of about 5-10 have been the easiest for me. I think we all have different strengths that lend themselves better to different phases.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by Magritte25

For me (only speaking for myself lest any of our fave Parenting board members think I'm being too opinionated or pushy)...

The ages between 4 and 11 were the easiest. The kids were much more independent, able to dress and feed themselves, clean their own rooms, no more diapers or baby food, they could behave well when we went out etc. Also, not too much backtalk, eye rolls, attitude, etc. that we see now with emotional, hormonal teenagers.

I think those were years that were really FUN for me, but not the easiest, but yes, everyone has their preferences. Once kids are moving around - and then moving around outside your sphere of influence (that is, school and friend's homes) things were tougher.

I also think your perspective about newborns changes if it's your 2nd, or more so 3rd baby. You get it. Newborn time is so fleeting, and so joyful, although the schedule is tiring. You're not going to lose them in the grocery store, and you're not going to get a call from the school principal telling you some very concerning thing your child did.

And that's why grandmas are so gaga over newborns. Because they've experienced newborns, and they miss them.

I'm not meaning to take the tone of "this is nothin, what are you complaining about". I'm just saying you can get caught up in the scheduling and whose missing the most sleep and who won't even do a load of laundry, and the magical time passes and you didn't enjoy it.

[saibot]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

And that's why grandmas are so gaga over newborns. Because they've experienced newborns, and they miss them.

I'm not meaning to take the tone of "this is nothin, what are you complaining about". I'm just saying you can get caught up in the scheduling and whose missing the most sleep and who won't even do a load of laundry, and the magical time passes and you didn't enjoy it.

I think that is a romanticized view. It's similar to an old-timer saying to a young person who is struggling to find his direction in life, finish school, find a job, and work out relationships, "Sonny, these are the best years of your life...enjoy them!" Thanks a lot. That's easy for him to say, but it trivializes the difficulties of the young person.

It's common for older people to look back fondly and think, "Aw, newborns are so little and sweet, I wish mine could be that size again. I would enjoy every minute!" But are they really thinking about what it was like to be the parent, when you're not sleeping and the baby keeps crying and you're worried that they're not getting enough to eat, but you still have to get up and be productive at work the next day? Of course not. In fact, ask Grandma to be the full-time caregiver for that newborn, and see how gaga she is over that idea. No, she wants to cuddle him when he's quiet and happy, then hand him back to his parents and go home to her house.

[stan4]

Originally Posted by saibot

I think that is a romanticized view. It's similar to an old-timer saying to a young person who is struggling to find his direction in life, finish school, find a job, and work out relationships, "Sonny, these are the best years of your life...enjoy them!" Thanks a lot. That's easy for him to say, but it trivializes the difficulties of the young person.

I

It doesn't trivialize anything.

Some of the best decisions I've made have come from listening to more experienced people about taking the time NOW to enjoy what you have.

It doesn't trivialize the pain.
It puts it in perspective.

[ClaraC]

saibot, I understand your points, but I'm always interested in what older people say when they look back on their lives, and their regrets, and the things they think they did right. Looking back over their lifetime, no one ever says I wish I spent less time with my kids. I wish I had nicer furniture. I wish I kept a neater house.

So, just a perspective. I've spent time with my parents in adult independent living centers, and they almost all thought the best years of their lives were "when the kids were little". It's a perspective - so often you're in a really good place and you just don't fully recognize it for how profoundly blessed you are.

It IS hard. It IS time -consuming and tiring. But it's also very special.

[stan4]

Originally Posted by Eeyore1954

I always got up to feed or soothe our babies. Since I worked a lot it gave me a chance to spend time with them. I may have missed some sleep but it was worth it (besides for some reason I don't need as much sleep as my wife).

The reason being that on average, women require an additional hour of sleep.

[chiluvr1228]

Originally Posted by saibot

I think that is a romanticized view. It's similar to an old-timer saying to a young person who is struggling to find his direction in life, finish school, find a job, and work out relationships, "Sonny, these are the best years of your life...enjoy them!" Thanks a lot. That's easy for him to say, but it trivializes the difficulties of the young person.

It's common for older people to look back fondly and think, "Aw, newborns are so little and sweet, I wish mine could be that size again. I would enjoy every minute!" But are they really thinking about what it was like to be the parent, when you're not sleeping and the baby keeps crying and you're worried that they're not getting enough to eat, but you still have to get up and be productive at work the next day? Of course not. In fact, ask Grandma to be the full-time caregiver for that newborn, and see how gaga she is over that idea. No, she wants to cuddle him when he's quiet and happy, then hand him back to his parents and go home to her house.

AMEN to that!

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by Horseshoepond

for gods sakes whether its the man or the woman that's the breadwinner...working outside the house,,,the spouse that gets to stay home should be doing all the chores and duties of the house,,,my god,,,
go back a 100 years,,,,you got it 100x easier than your great grandmothers had it,,
you have all the modern conveniences,,,not like you are killing your chickens and plucking them or washing clothes on a wash board.

yeah the spouse at home who probly can stay in pajamas if she chooses too,,,should be doing the cleaning and baby duties..

I would have loved loved loved to be a stay at home dad...and don't be going on and on about how tough it is ,,ive done my share of chores,,,but also ive worked in construction,,,physically beat by the time I got home,,, also worked on a commercial fishing boat
very demanding jobs.
also worked in the woods - dropping and cutting up trees...very physical work,,

when I came home,,,she had dinner waiting not because I demanded it - because she wanted to do it... I had scars, bumps and bruises from working all day ..
if I was an office worker then that may be different,,,,its easy on the body..

if I were a stay at home dad id have her dinner waiting for her,,,id also draw her a bath and give her a massage,, if she wanted one
ive had ALL day to do whatever shopping or cleaning washing whatever needs to be done..

in fact on weekends id tell mother to go about some time alone...and I would do all the household chores with the baby/kids and I enjoyed it,,,,ten times easier than a day at work

again think back to our grandmothers and great grandmothers that had multiple kids...
they didn't complain ,,,they appreciated what they had...and appreciated a man that would go off to work for the family everyday

As a woman, mother and oceanographer , I have also worked incredibly physically demanding jobs. I would also go to sea for weeks at a time, working very similarly to a fishing boat. Bumps, bruises, even broken bones one more than one occasion.

I also stayed at home with my daughter for a period of time.

I would pick going to sea over a SAHM experience as you seem to expect 100 times out of 100. There is no break 24/7 as you describe "proper" stay at home parenting. SAHM apparently are supposed to be not only be parenting 24 hrs a day, but also treating their spouse to a spa like experience every moment they are no working. See, 12-18 hr shifts can be exhausting physically, but you still get to be "off" when your "off". What you describe is someone who never gets a break. No break from parenting, not even on weekends or in the evening but instead should also be giving massages and drawing baths.

My husband is awesome. A great partner, a strong man, and a wonderful father. When our daughter was little, we had family coming for the first event we were hosting since she had been born. His mother took me to the store and he was home with our daughter, before I left he said he would also load the dishwasher. When I got home he hadn't. I didn't say anything upon returning but he apologized in front of his mom when I started loading the dishwasher. She responded with "You were babysitting! That's enough". He responded with "how do you babysit your own baby?" I wouldn't have said anything anyway, we all do the best we can with mixed results depending on the day.