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None of these arguments here matter.... you are just wasting your time. The only person who needs to be having these conversations with you is your wife. Our opinions are not likely to sway her, so that is why our opinions are completely irrelevant.
In my work, I have worked with families in the exact situation you describe. Parents come here illegally, bring one child who was born in the other country, and then the children born here are legal citizens. But the first sibling is not. So I don't debate you on that point at all.
But it really comes down to this: will your wife feel as invested in doing this form of personal charity as you are? That is the bottom line.
You're exactly right. My purpose in coming here was to brainstorm on anything I can do while we still have time to warm my wife up to it--not to solicit opinions on the situation as a whole, which is what this thread has become. A lot can change in a few years (which may even make this all a moot point), but there simply may be nothing. And I'm going to have to be OK with that.
My wife was in a similar situation not so long ago.
There are many American citizens who have the same hardships that you describe this young girl will have. Many Americans go without health insurance, cars, college, etc often due to lack of opportunities and money, so for a different reason; but the end result is the same. Hardship! Immigrants are not the only people who suffer in this world. BTW, my spouse is an immigrant, he got his citizenship through marriage to me.
There are many American citizens who have the same hardships that you describe this young girl will have. Many Americans go without health insurance, cars, college, etc often due to lack of opportunities and money, so for a different reason; but the end result is the same. Hardship! Immigrants are not the only people who suffer in this world. BTW, my spouse is an immigrant, he got his citizenship through marriage to me.
You're not wrong (about hardship more generally). My point is: if we can help her have a better life, why is it wrong of me to want to help someone who got into this through no fault of her own? Unlike giving money to charity, we can profoundly help someone we already know.
All parties have to be on board with it, of course.
OP you're wasting your time with this crowd. Good luck to you. I think you should try. I imagine it is no fun to come into young adulthood as an undocumented.
Pop back in sometime and let us know what happened.
Your biological child is very young. How would you feel if turns out that you and your wife can not afford to have another child because you have adopted this child? Frankly, hubby and I would have loved to have a third child but we simply could not afford it. And, I know many couples that have come to the same conclusion.
Many expenses are now going to be increased because of having a second child, such as vacations and travel.
How would you feel if you and your wife have to get second jobs or postpone retirement because of the college expenses of your adopted child? (Those are very common experiences among my friends).
How would your biological children feel about sharing their inheritance with an adopted child?
And, many more financial things from health insurance to school trips.
IMHO, I believe that you really did not consider all of the ramifications of this plan. If my husband had suggested something like this when our first child was a toddler I would have seriously wondered if he had completely lost his mind. Now, if your family was complete, and you have saved enough to fund your retirements, their college educations and had a healthy reserve fund for emergencies, maybe it would work out. But right now you seem to be glossing over any financial issues. Sometimes parents whose children are grown and have left the house can adopt and provide for their own retirement as well as the expenses of more children or parents who have extremely high incomes can easily pay for college.
Have you even checked into how much would be yourrecommended family contribution to her college expenses? When my daughter was in college my hubby was permanently disabled and I had a teacher's salary and our family contribution, at a state college, was expected to be almost half of my take-home pay per year. I will be in my early 70s when I finally pay off all of the Parent Plus loans that I took out to help our children with their college expenses. And our children will be in their mid to late 30s when they pay off their student loans.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-06-2017 at 09:41 PM..
You're exactly right. My purpose in coming here was to brainstorm on anything I can do while we still have time to warm my wife up to it--not to solicit opinions on the situation as a whole, which is what this thread has become. A lot can change in a few years (which may even make this all a moot point), but there simply may be nothing. And I'm going to have to be OK with that.
My wife was in a similar situation not so long ago.
Your biological child is very young. How would you feel if turns out that you and your wife can not afford to have another child because you have adopted this child? Frankly, hubby and I would have loved to have a third child but we simply could not afford it. And, I know many couples that have come to the same conclusion.
Many expenses are now going to be increased because of having a second child, such as vacations and travel.
How would you feel if you and your wife have to get second jobs or postpone retirement because of the college expenses of your adopted child? (Those are very common experiences among my friends).
How would your biological children feel about sharing their inheritance with an adopted child?
IMHO, I believe that you really did not consider all of the ramifications of this plan. If my husband had suggested something like this when our first child was a toddler I would have seriously wondered if he had completely lost his mind. Now, if your family was complete, and you have saved enough to fund your retirements, their college educations and had a healthy reserve fund for emergencies, maybe it would work out. But right now you seem to be glossing over any financial issues. Sometimes parents whose children are grown and have left the house can adopt and provide for their own retirement as well as the expenses of more children or parents who have extremely high incomes can easily pay for college. Have you even checked into how much would be yourrecommended family contribution to her college expenses? When my daughter was in college my hubby was permanently disabled and I had a teacher's salary and our family contribution, at a state college, was expected to be almost half of my take-home pay.
I think this is a good point. As an aside, many adoptees are beneficiaries of free instate college tuition. Not dispositive on the issue of finances, but -
I think this is a good point. As an aside, many adoptees are beneficiaries of free instate college tuition. Not dispositive on the issue of finances, but -
Of course that's a consideration. Without going into more detail, we're young and could retire now if we wanted to. We're good on the finance side. I sold a company.
If this is a true scenario OP, it's obvious you have a weird obsession with these other people's kids that is not normal. You can claim it's all due to a benevolent heart but it sounds to me you have some sort of infatuation with the teen girl that is not healthy. Justify it all you want, make your wife out to be the bad guy, but most here can see through your excuses.
So you come on here wanting to know how you can convince your wife that this adoption is a good thing to do. Really?
How does the adoption benefit your family ? - Your family is your wife and child. They get nothing out of it. Your daughter loses half of her inheritance . Your wife is already upset at the attention you give this girl. She's probably wondering about your increasing interest in the kid if she lives with you.
Bringing a teen age girl into your home that you admit you " adore " is never going to work with your wife.
This can cause some very serious marital problems. It seems to me that you need to put your marriage first.
By the way, 12 states & DC permit undocumented aliens the right to drive. Perhaps you should try to convince the other family to move somewhere their daughter will be able to drive.
Last edited by willow wind; 05-06-2017 at 10:48 PM..
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