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Drop the suicide stuff! You're lucky the therapist has brushed it off so far, but don't keep pressing it. Technically, he's required to report such to CPS, and if you think your life is #ell now, that's nothing compared to what they can make it into! Depending on how zealous the caseworker is, you could even have the child taken away and placed in foster care. They could twist it into something like "child's needs not being met in family home" and that's it, you have them in your face forever! Besides, anti-depressants can make one tired, which is all she needs now while sleep deprived to begin with! Also, CPS could say the mother is mentally unstable if she's on such meds. Then you're damned if you do and don't . If you stop the meds, say I'm all right now, they will say parent not taking prescribed meds. If you do take the meds, they will say mother is on psychotropic drugs, making her unstable. Either way, you could end up losing the child, temporary or forever. It can and does happen! Just back off that angle!
MANY people and PARENTS are on anti-depressants. She may be having a form of post-partum depression.
Why would the baby be taken away when the father is in the picture? OP - don't listen to this person - your wife needs help. It may "only" be severe sleep deprivation but you need to find out for sure and depression can sometimes only be treated with anti-depressants, especially if this severe. Not all of them make you tired - some are "activating" like bupropion (Wellbutrin). Please get her knowledgeable help.
I know she doesn't want to take meds and she doesn't want day care or to stop breastfeeding...on and on but at this point you need to consider all alternatives. How about daycare for a month just to see if getting sleep is the MAIN problem for your wife? Think outside the box and good luck.
yes on the sleep - your wife needs some sleep, however you make that happen-
the work issue- again, be really careful on that one- it really depends on the work- did she like her job - are they sensitive to parenting issues: a real bummer for me was that in my work environment it was a bunch of singles/ young folks with no kids or people in their late fifties with grown or teen kids, which just doesnt compare to parenting young children- so I got really stressed when child was sick, or balancing preschool hours ( we were in a parent run cooperative nursing school which I recommend for a solid community of other parents, and good hands on early education-), or any other child need/ emergency that required adjusting my work schedule - they just were not sensitive to them at all.
Plus if she doesnt really like the job/ work its not going to be better just because its away from baby time...
She can get me- time in other ways (but like the others said, start with SLEEP)!
I forgot what else I was going to say (gluten-free milk? wasn't sure about that one, maybe you could get baby allergy tested first)...
ok have to get going,
hang in there OP.
Yep. We've been doing solids since 6 months and he is a champ at eating. I think she only breastfeeds 2-3 times a day now. (when he wakes up and before he goes to bed and maybe a snack here or there on some days)
We did co-sleeping in his early months. He would not sleep in the basinet. My wife was against it, because she said she was a really co-sleeping dependent kid and didn't want our son to be like that. Still, compromise had to be made and he co-slept, for maybe 2 months. While he slept a little better, my wife really disliked it. She could never get comfortable and worried about him falling out of the bed or rolling over on to him. When he was big enough for the crib though, it was strictly to that. I can't even imagine co-sleeping being possible now because I'm sure he would continuously crawl (and fall) off the bed.
7-8 hours total. Down at 7PM, usually up around 5:30 AM. only sleeps for about7-8 hours of that, the other 2-3 hours he's up fussing and screaming. Have tried lots of solids so far. I think the only thing that didn't agree well with him was tomatoes. He seems to be handling everything else very well.
First your wife needs a break. As a neighbors teenager to babysit for a few hours a few days a week while your wife takes a nap. Should be cheap! Or you can go on www.Care.com to find a sitter. Even if they just come a few hours a weeks so your wife can get out of the house for a few hours or take a nap. Some will even help with housework. Also ask relatives to pitch in! Get her a spa day for Mothers Day. Massage, manicure/pedicure, etc. I think work is the last thing she needs right now! It would just add more stress.
Second, your wife needs to take some medication if she's not on any. It sounds like PPD which is no joke!
Third, try giving your child Mylicon, You can ask your pediatrician about it, but it's over the counter. You can give one drop a day. It's for gas. I gave it to both of my children and they never fussed at night. All my friends have tried it as well and same results! If their tummy is upset they will not sleep and will be upset and cry.
Drop the suicide stuff! You're lucky the therapist has brushed it off so far, but don't keep pressing it. Technically, he's required to report such to CPS, and if you think your life is #ell now, that's nothing compared to what they can make it into! Depending on how zealous the caseworker is, you could even have the child taken away and placed in foster care. They could twist it into something like "child's needs not being met in family home" and that's it, you have them in your face forever! Besides, anti-depressants can make one tired, which is all she needs now while sleep deprived to begin with! Also, CPS could say the mother is mentally unstable if she's on such meds. Then you're damned if you do and don't . If you stop the meds, say I'm all right now, they will say parent not taking prescribed meds. If you do take the meds, they will say mother is on psychotropic drugs, making her unstable. Either way, you could end up losing the child, temporary or forever. It can and does happen! Just back off that angle!
WTF?
This is the worst advice I've ever heard! If she doesn't get help, he could lose them both PERMANENTLY! I'm floored that anyone would advise this.
MANY people and PARENTS are on anti-depressants. She may be having a form of post-partum depression.
Why would the baby be taken away when the father is in the picture? OP - don't listen to this person - your wife needs help. It may "only" be severe sleep deprivation but you need to find out for sure and depression can sometimes only be treated with anti-depressants, especially if this severe. Not all of them make you tired - some are "activating" like bupropion (Wellbutrin). Please get her knowledgeable help.
I know she doesn't want to take meds and she doesn't want day care or to stop breastfeeding...on and on but at this point you need to consider all alternatives. How about daycare for a month just to see if getting sleep is the MAIN problem for your wife? Think outside the box and good luck.
Perhaps I didn't word my post adequately. The central point of my message was NOT to stay away from anti-depressants, it was to quit emphasizing the suicidal ideology, especially to a therapist, who is also a mandated reporter. Depending on the therapist perception, they could very well end up referring them to CPS. If there's any suspicion of any possible danger to herself or others, they are required by law to make such reports.
Note I did NOT say the therapist might report them because she starts to take anti-depressants, I said the therapist might report them if she keeps mentioning suicide.
And yes, CPS can take the baby away, for any suspicion. Its the one place in our legal system where you're guilty until proven innocent. How do I know? I tangled with CPS for years. It all started when I had a "high-energy" kid, and vented to some friends. One of them decided I needed "help" and made a report to CPS. The way she worded it, and the perception of the social workers, put us under intense scrutiny. We nearly lost both our children, and my dh lost his job. If you've never dealt with CPS, you don't know how they work. They went to my dh place of employment, asked all sorts of damaging questions, and never returned later to inform his employer the allegations of neglect and abuse had been ruled out. His employer was simply left with the impression we were some sort of monsters. Well, his job was a high-profile and public interfacing. He was laid off shortly after the investigation, although he had 10+ years of excellent performance reviews and NO write-ups, disciplinary actions, etc. They just slipped him out along with about 300 others in a RIF. CPS also went to my kids school, interviewed teachers, and went to neighbors, etc. I was supposedly unaware of all this, but found out via the grapevine. Everything's supposed to be confidential", but I was the only one who didn't know what was going on and therefore couldn't defend myself.
CPS doesn't help families in turmoil. They create the turmoil.
I'm not trying to turn this into a discussion about CPS, but rather to warn of some potential pitfalls. BTW, I take anti-depressants, and feel it has helped a great deal. My kids are now adults and out of the house, the depression is not because of the kids, but I don't have any prejudice against people taking anti-depressants.
OP, why don't you just ask your primary-care physician for anti-depressants? Therapists don't prescribe meds, anyways. All they can do is refer you to an MD. I just asked my PCP, and she was quite willing to prescribe them. Just be careful what you say. Tread carefully with that suicide stuff. It could be a red flag.
But I agree with the other posters here. Try going back to work and put the child in competent daycare or sitter. Or perhaps you could get one of the grandmother's to take the child for a week while you go on a vacation? Something to re-set the situation. Why do you go to a therapist, anyways, and who watches the child while you are there? Perhaps there's already too much intervention, which adds to the overall stress. You don't want to run around buying more "intervention". I might go so far as to seek another pediatrician, but don't get into an endless loop of specialists, tests, etc, etc. We went that route with our boy with no benefit. All they did was run up a bill, then mumble something to the effect of "nothing of clinical significance". The money we paid would have been better spent on some quality daycare 2-3 afternoons a week (which we ended up doing), just to de-stress. About the most such tests, etc will tell you at this point is, he will outgrow whatever. Believe me, it happens! Our ds outgrew his "phases" and would have regardless. The issue for right now is your health. You need a change in the situation for your own sake. Take care and best of health to you and family
OP, I could have written this when my first was a baby and toddler, only maybe less severe on most accounts.
My first did not sleep well, did not eat well, was always "on." He would wake at 3 am and want to get up and play. He would wake to eat and not go back to sleep. No toys ever held his attention.
I became depressed. My doctor blew it off. I thought I was a bad mother, and that I never should have had a baby. It sent my anxiety to levels I'd never felt. I never thought of harming myself or my baby, though.
It took 12 years, but that baby was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. It was quite validating to know that I wasn't crazy or a bad mom, but that he really was a difficult baby.
Here are some things that I would suggest:
- Stop breast feeding and switch to formula
- Get on a schedule as much as possible
- try to keep the baby awake when it's not nap time. Around 1 year, he should switch from 2 naps to 1 anyway.
- Get a mother's helper to do whatever your wife needs to get some relief. Maybe someone could come over once or twice a week to watch the baby while she naps or goes for a walk alone; or the helper could do some housework to help out.
- If possible, have your wife drive you to work sometimes so she can have the car for the day. She might be able to go to a playgroup or something, that way.
- Get a new therapist. Any therapist who blows off a mention of suicide is not doing their job. She probably needs one who can prescribe meds.
- Tell her she's not alone and she's not a bad mom. It will get better.
Oh, and mine also had night terrors around the age of 1-2. He was older than yours, I think, but it was scary. He grew out of that, thankfully.
In the future, be aware that your average pediatrician will be worthless for things like ADHD. You may need to consult a developmental pediatrician or other specialist if you think he needs some testing in that realm.
This is the worst advice I've ever heard! If she doesn't get help, he could lose them both PERMANENTLY! I'm floored that anyone would advise this.
Where did I say "don't get help?" I said knock off the suicide discussion. I never said to just quit trying to treat the problem. What exactly did I "advise" that has you so floored? I'm saying be careful of how it could turn.
I had a baby like that. Not being a SAHM was actually a blessing. We were fortunate enough to have full time live in help and even then I sent him to daycare 3 days per week for 1/2 days to give her a break. It really took a village.
He got up at 1a, 3a and 5a every single night until he was 18 months old. It gets better.
First drop the guilt - parenting can be miserable. Anyone who says different must have had different kids than me.
I don't know the solution, but my son ended up being diagnosed with a sensory disorder when he was about 5. Once diagnosed and I remembered many of his peculiarities, they made complete sense with his diagnosis. An occupational therapist for him helped change my life.
He is now the calmest, gentle, thoughtful teen you could ever imagine. He is now my easy child!
Good luck to all of you.
Last edited by StilltheSame; 05-08-2017 at 05:51 PM..
I'll try to keep this short, but this is going to be a loaded post....
My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.
Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.
We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.
Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up. I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.
In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.
I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.
Thanks all.
My first baby was a lot like this. High energy, high need, short naps, had to be on the go constantly, etc. I was also a stay at home mom with a husband who worked long hours. It was a crazy time. Being older, or younger would not have helped. High need babies are exhausting.
One thing that I figured out was that my daughter had a food intolerance to dairy and soy. I stopped consuming both as she was reacting to the proteins in my breastmilk and I stopped feeding it to her (she was almost a year old when I figured it out). This helped a lot. The nighttime fussiness sounds like a possible Gerd or reflux issue which is usually a food reaction. Talk to your pediatrician and/or considering removing the most common culprit which is dairy.
Your wife could use a new therapist. Talking about suicide is the biggest warning sign for actually taking the next step. It's something to take seriously. See if you can find a mom's day out program so she can get an occasional break, or hire a mother's helper a few hours a week. Finding a mom's group could help tons as well. Since she's breastfeeding, LLL could be an easy place to start. It's mother to mother support.
My oldest is now almost in middle school. No autism, no adhd, or other issues. Just an active, smart, headstrong kid who still likes to be on the go. It will get easier. In the meantime, your wife needs more support so try to help her find some and try to be patient with one another.
I will add that I had one high need baby and one easy baby. It was different worlds. If people are telling you how great this time should be it's because they had easy babies. They have no idea what you're going through.
New therapist, stat. It's been covered by others why.
If you can afford a night nurse once or twice a week for 2-3 weeks, it would go a long way for both of you. I know I couldn't ever nap during the day when I had babies. Having a teenager in the house would keep me roused and anxious enough I wouldn't be able to sleep. She needs restorative, REM sleep for 8 hours at a time. It won't be cheap, but it probably won't break the bank either for a short-term solution.
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I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better. 