U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-31-2017, 04:26 PM
 
160 posts, read 59,364 times
Reputation: 83

Advertisements

My 5 year old lived with me and her mother until last October and she went to stay with her grandparents who live about 90 miles away,we could not get her into the pre k here and we all wanted her to attend school and the grandparents could and did get her in there.
Well now she is back and she is already asking to go back to granny's house,my mother wants her back as does my father. They are great grandparents have no issues at all. Me and the wife are discussing it and are considering letting her go back and live with them on a more permanent basis for kindergarten.
She seems to need A LOT of attention and HATES sharing a room with her 2 year old sister,doesn't care for her older siblings either etc. We talked to her about it and she said she wants to go back. To me it seems like we are giving up but when I think of what's best for her it seems letting her live with them IS the better choice. She needing so much attention is hard with 3 other children 1 of which has special needs.
We saw her constantly when she lived with them and she came to stay with us during school breaks etc.
Any advice? Anyone else gone through this?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-31-2017, 05:02 PM
 
5,563 posts, read 7,637,571 times
Reputation: 5829
She'll get back in the routine of being home soon. Your parents have done their job, and now it's time for them to relax. You shouldn't let her go. Family counseling may be in order.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 05:18 PM
 
6,713 posts, read 2,608,873 times
Reputation: 18257
Something about this situation makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I'm not quite sure what it is. I kind of guessed that maybe you are stepdad, but you make it very clear you're dad and the grandparents are your parents.

I'm uncomfortable with this. The lack of bond you both appear to have with this girl is concerning.

Is your child who has a disability profoundly disabled, and requires round the clock care and nursing and so really it would justify getting this 5 year old into a home where attention could be more evenly spread out?

Is there anything else that you haven't written that would explain why you are so willing to part with this one girl?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
While it is not exactly the same I'll share the story of my dad's family. When my grandmother was about to have her sixth child the youngest brother was about two years old. It was decided that he would stay with his aunt & uncle, who were childless for the summer while Mom recovered and everyone adjusted to the new baby. When summer ended it just seemed "logical" for him to stay longer as the aunt and uncle had a large farm house with multiple bedrooms and, at that time, my grandparents & the other five children lived in a one bedroom house (yes, I did say a one bedroom house for seven people).

Well, the summer became one year, and one year became two years and two years became three years. And, even after my grandparents built a second story and added three/four bedrooms to the house (plus a new baby) that one brother continue to live with his aunt & uncle. We discussed this with my father & his siblings on several occasions and while it seemed very logical at the time as a child and as an adult the brother that was "sent away" said that he never really felt that he was part of a "family". He said that he never felt that he was a member of his aunt & uncle's "family" and never, ever felt a member of his biological parents/siblings family no matter how hard everyone tried to include him.

My father once said that doing this was one of the biggest regrets that his parents had (they admitted that when all of their children were grown). Ironically, my father & this sibling were the two last brothers left alive and even in their late 70s they still mentioned & talked about how "disorienting" and "unsettling" this was to their relationship both as children and as adults.

Of course, this is just one story. But, I would really suggest that you think this over very carefully. Perhaps, it would have been different if they had completely gave up the child forever and allowed him to be adopted by his aunt & uncle, but there is of way of knowing that.

Yes, I would suggest family counseling.

Give your daughter plenty of time to adjust to being back home. Now, if there was a valid reason, with a timeline/deadline, IMHO, perhaps you could consider it. For example, if one of the family had six months worth of chemotherapy for cancer, then living with the grandparents may be appropriate but because the child does not want to share a bedroom with a sibling. Sheesh!

Last edited by germaine2626; 05-31-2017 at 05:32 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 05:32 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33915
It makes sense to me that this would be traumatic for the child, at some point down the road. I can't imagine turning my child over to anyone to raise, including family members.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 07:06 PM
 
Location: Central NJ and PA
1,947 posts, read 597,491 times
Reputation: 1268
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
It makes sense to me that this would be traumatic for the child, at some point down the road. I can't imagine turning my child over to anyone to raise, including family members.
I can't either. Maybe there are some circumstances the OP hasn't shared. I probably lean too far to the other side of the spectrum, lol. I haven't even spent more than three nights away from my kids, and the youngest is nine. My husband took them to visit a relative over the Memorial Day weekend, and the house felt dead without them.


Something else to consider; if this becomes a permanent living situation, how do you think the daughter might cope with the potential health issues or passing of the grandparents, should their age become a problem? There are a lot of things that you might occur to you if you sit down and think long-term. Additionally, learning to share attention isn't a bad thing. No one is ever the center of attention at all times, and it may be better for her to learn this at age 5 than, say, when she's a teen.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 07:10 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,489,790 times
Reputation: 23714
What makes me so uncomfortable is it seems like...there is some trying to justify getting rid of your kid. She is tiny. She is asking for what she knows. And you are trying to place an adult decision in her very tiny lap. "Blame it on the kid"...I have heard that before.

Put on your parent panties and parent. Its not normal to try to pass off parenting to someone else...unless you are willing to take full ownership that you aren't able to parent her properly. Then decide based on that...not on what you think your child wants when they are far too young to make any such decision.

Don't be a cop-out. If you cant handle all the kids you have had, admit it and place the ones you cant raise with the appropriate families or agencies.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 07:40 PM
 
160 posts, read 59,364 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Something about this situation makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I'm not quite sure what it is. I kind of guessed that maybe you are stepdad, but you make it very clear you're dad and the grandparents are your parents.

I'm uncomfortable with this. The lack of bond you both appear to have with this girl is concerning.

Is your child who has a disability profoundly disabled, and requires round the clock care and nursing and so really it would justify getting this 5 year old into a home where attention could be more evenly spread out?

Is there anything else that you haven't written that would explain why you are so willing to part with this one girl?
No he is not that disabled he just requires more attention than the other kids at times. I don't really want her to go but her wanting to go and my mother wanting her there makes me want to do what's best for our daughter. She adjusted really well with her grandparents and she NEEDS that 1 on 1 attention that the other kids never really NEEDED,she absolutely craves it and my parents loved giving it to her constantly. My mother seems to think she is ADD or ADHD,which she is very very hyper I just think that's because she is 5,but the closest sibling I can compare that to is her brother who is 8 and has his own disabilities to deal with so its impossible to compare it. I do agree me and my 5 year old don't have that much of a bond,never have. I love her like I love all my kids and she is the funniest of all my kids for sure it just seems like WE don't understand her and her grandmother does,its a very odd situation its like her grandmother and her have a special bond she doesn't seem to have with me or her mother...What is also odd to me is she is a 3rd child and I was a 3rd child and I always felt like I didn't fit in either with my family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,142 posts, read 7,466,203 times
Reputation: 17039
SHE is the child and YOU are the parent.

It's time to parent her. She doesn't need to be grandparented, she needs her parents.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 07:45 PM
 
160 posts, read 59,364 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by swilliamsny View Post
I can't either. Maybe there are some circumstances the OP hasn't shared. I probably lean too far to the other side of the spectrum, lol. I haven't even spent more than three nights away from my kids, and the youngest is nine. My husband took them to visit a relative over the Memorial Day weekend, and the house felt dead without them.


Something else to consider; if this becomes a permanent living situation, how do you think the daughter might cope with the potential health issues or passing of the grandparents, should their age become a problem? There are a lot of things that you might occur to you if you sit down and think long-term. Additionally, learning to share attention isn't a bad thing. No one is ever the center of attention at all times, and it may be better for her to learn this at age 5 than, say, when she's a teen.
Yeah we are definitely on different sides of the spectrum I love when the house is empty when kids are at school. I love the quiet lol. My father is 60 and mother 59 so not sure how much longer they would have or how she would deal with it. I told my wife I feel like we are giving up raising our own kid because she is a little more of an attention seeker and just needs to learn to share things,she doesn't agree. She says we should take it a year at a time,even now since she has been back here since last week she talks to her grandmother every day and you can tell how much they both miss each other she begged the day after she got here to go back to granny's,which the plan had been for my mother to take her and the oldest for a few weeks and then swap for other 2 grandkids etc. Now I don't even know what is going on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top