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Thx for the responses. Just to clarify if we move we would support her if she chose to come with us. However, if she refuses to move with us, she's on her own until college, and we may make her take a gap year because she is immature and we dont want to waste our $. Your responses are helpful and we really appreciate that! I am so stressed out with her that I can barely function.
What will ease that stress the most? Moving? Telling yourself you'll stay for another year and then move? Staying? Do you have places in mind you want to move? Have you visited?
Our only child also just graduated and we're looking to move out of state in a couple of years. She is leaving town to go to college and I want to make sure she's settled and happy before we go, so we won't think about moving for at least another year. However, although we have tension in our relationship, it's not like what you described.
You've offered your daughter lots of good options but ultimately, you can't make her happy. Try to focus on making yourself happy.
Thx for the responses. Just to clarify if we move we would support her if she chose to come with us. However, if she refuses to move with us, she's on her own until college, and we may make her take a gap year because she is immature and we dont want to waste our $. Your responses are helpful and we really appreciate that! I am so stressed out with her that I can barely function.
Not a judgement or blame -- but why do you think your daughter is so hateful towards you? Is she hateful towards your husband? Has she always been willful? Angry?
Could something have happened to her that you are unaware of to cause her to behave this way? Is your daughter able to confide in you?
I have done a lot of volunteer work with children - mentoring, tutoring, etc. I have noticed when kids are going through tough times they tend to take it out on those closest to them. A lot of them are unwilling or unable to effectively communicate their issues with their parents.
Thx for the responses. Just to clarify if we move we would support her if she chose to come with us. However, if she refuses to move with us, she's on her own until college, and we may make her take a gap year because she is immature and we dont want to waste our $. Your responses are helpful and we really appreciate that! I am so stressed out with her that I can barely function.
I feel ya! I wouldn't push a gap year, I would find a college that was a little more "hands on". We sent one to a catholic uni because they were very "hands on" the first 2 years when they had to live on campus. They had an advisor they met with every 2 weeks or even more and had actually qualified RAs. In a way it was a little more like boarding school.
She did quit (our foster kid) and then she was really on her own. She had to pay for most of the schooling through grants (that she had to pay back) and loans. So we weren't out a ton. But she wasn't mature enough to be fully trusted.
When she left school she made her way and is actually doing ok for herself.
I did ok in HS but was totally independent and very resistant to parenting. But I kicked butt in college. I needed to sink or swim and I loved having so much freedom that I actually became responsible. I turned out ok. I ended up having to leave college because my mom remarried and wouldn't give me her husband's financials (for grants and loans). But still managed to go back later when I was married.
Gap years worry me unless they are supervised by a parent because grown up life can hit hard. I think there are options where everyone will be happy and will give your daughter a good chance. But you know her best. The idea of just leaving...bothers me.
I also think it could be helpful for you to go to a therapist and maybe get a plan of action for boundaires, maybe a behavior contract for college or something.
Do you have a reading comprehension issue??? When did I ever say or even imply I wanted to "walk away from being a parent"?????
Really?
She has told you she won't come with you. She is not yet 18 and hasn't gone to college and gotten into a dorm or some type of living situation yet. Yet here you are, stating you are ready to move without her.
That is pretty much the essence of walking away from parenting.
"Won't come with us" is HER choice. She will be 18.We will support her if she comes with us, but if she refuses she's on her own by her own choice. So how is that not parenting?
"Won't come with us" is HER choice. She will be 18.We will support her if she comes with us, but if she refuses she's on her own by her own choice. So how is that not parenting?
This right here says it all. You are telling us that your daughter hates you and you are done. You want to leave her behind, and it sounds like you are glad she doesn't want to come so you can make it her fault "by choice".
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilly50
We want to leave the area after HS is over, and she is welcome to come with us but she doesn't want to. She hates us and had no use for us (we have been loving parents and have done nothing to deserve that). Would it be awful if we left anyway? It just doesn't seem right to leave her here. We have told her that if she doesn't come to live with us and chooses to stay here, we will not support her until she is in college (at which point we will pay her tuition room and board). I also want to note that she has always been difficult and causes so much tension in our family. She is an only child. She has told me over and over that she hates me and talks abouy how wonderful all the other moms are. My hurt is indescribable, but I've also had enough.
Parenting is sticking with the child you decided to bring into this world, and doing what you signed up to do when you gave birth, and that's to make sure she becomes a responsible citizen that has some worth in society.
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