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Old 06-15-2017, 12:11 PM
 
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Yes, you are definitely being held back. If this continues, it will cripple you emotionally. I know this because my adult disabled son feels this way, even though he has various issues that prevent in in my areas of independence.

First clue was your not even having email, FB or any form of communications with other peers.

Take a first step. Go out and find a decent job. That will enable you to at least have contact daily outside your home. Once you get a few paychecks under your belt....which you should be saving plenty towards your own place....Start looking for an apartment, or a shared rental. I would discourage sharing if possible, because having not been used to interacting with peers it could pose problems for you until you begin to get comfortable and being around your age group begins to feel normal.

Then, as you begin taking care of your own rent, utilities, food and budgeting you'll acquire more confidence. Visit mom and Dad for dinners and don't stop communicating.....But do not let them emotionally guilt you into staying under their roof once you can pay your own way.

I wish you good luck. It will be a bit scary, maybe even more so for you then normal because of your situation and parents....But you can do this. Plan ahead, research the best places to rent, budget everything you can and get into a good healthy responsible spending habit.

And, a word of caution...many young folks who have been held back sometimes go off the deep end. Research that, try to keep yourself from doing that so that you can genuinely enjoy all the adult maturity, growth and responsibilities to come. Good luck to you going forward, and please update.
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Old 06-15-2017, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,102 posts, read 3,070,689 times
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If you have an email account, you can have a Facebook and a Twitter account. If your mother is monitoring your email account, open up a new one. Gmail is free. You can get a cellphone very cheaply at Walmart; just get the type that you pay for minutes for now. I believe the cheapest one is $15-20 for the phone and that comes with a small number of minutes that you can replenish as you go. Once you have a good job and are making more money, you can spring for a real smartphone (iPhone or whatever you want), but you don't need that right away.
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Old 06-15-2017, 12:40 PM
 
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I was wondering...it seems like your dad is willing to extend more independence than your mom is.


Do you think you could have a sit-down talk with your dad, explain your frustrations and goals, and then maybe he could go to bat with your mom?


What makes your mom so protective?
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Old 06-15-2017, 12:48 PM
 
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OP, were you homeschooled in a very protective environment? I'm asking because I know a couple of people in your similar situation. Most homeschool parents do a great job and their kids are just fine, but there are those who cannot let go when their kids become adults.
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Old 06-15-2017, 01:12 PM
 
Location: here
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With a few similar posts lately, I have to wonder what these parents are doing that 20-somethings won't even consider disobeying. All over this country there are teens with secret social media accounts, yet we have a 20 year old who won't create a FB account, and a 26 year old who is afraid to open a checking account.
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Old 06-15-2017, 01:26 PM
 
848 posts, read 446,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
With a few similar posts lately, I have to wonder what these parents are doing that 20-somethings won't even consider disobeying. All over this country there are teens with secret social media accounts, yet we have a 20 year old who won't create a FB account, and a 26 year old who is afraid to open a checking account.
There are families that are very clannish and protective of their kids. I know a few (who happen to homeschool, not bashing homeschooling by the way). They tightly control their kids' lives to where the parents and family are the center. These kids grow into adulthood not knowing anything else and essentially are psychologically and emotionally crippled. It's easy to say "be an adult! Get a job and move out!" but until you have been in their shoes you don't understand how impossible that is to do. Outsiders can clearly see an unhealthy control by parents but those in the situation don't know how to break free. And when you have no way to support yourself, it's a lot easier to obey mom and dad and continue living at home.

A family I know like this has a daughter who was homeschooled her entire life. She was not allowed to go to college as her primary role is to be a wife and a mother. She can't date because they only allow courtship (similar to that Duggar family on TV). And she's not allowed to go to college either. She is 23, lives at home, is a part-time crossing guard for the local school district. She is waiting for a guy to come marry her, but that is not happening. So in the mean time she has nothing going on and I can tell she is frustrated. But again she loves her parents and family and would never dream of changing her life.
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Old 06-15-2017, 01:52 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
377 posts, read 189,926 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
OP, were you homeschooled in a very protective environment? I'm asking because I know a couple of people in your similar situation. Most homeschool parents do a great job and their kids are just fine, but there are those who cannot let go when their kids become adults.
I never noticed my parents doing anything majorly different than other homeschoolers I knew, but then again I didn't get a lot of opportunity to talk with other kids my age.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
With a few similar posts lately, I have to wonder what these parents are doing that 20-somethings won't even consider disobeying. All over this country there are teens with secret social media accounts, yet we have a 20 year old who won't create a FB account, and a 26 year old who is afraid to open a checking account.
I think it might depend on the tendencies of everyone involved. Psychologically, I feel naturally assertive, but at the same time I feel very sensitive, so I think my sensitivity generally overrules my assertiveness (i.e. I can't seem to be very assertive if I think someone else can't handle my assertiveness). My mom is so sensitive and emotional that I find it hard to be assertive with her. I guess it's the way that we're wired.
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Old 06-15-2017, 02:12 PM
 
7,031 posts, read 3,757,641 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicholas_n View Post
Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't responded before now. To answer everyone's questions, I do amazingly have my license (thanks dad!), and I have a vehicle (it was my dad's car, but he got something else, and he just acts like his old car is mine since I am doing basically all of the maintenance on it now). I am in community college, but unfortunately getting a job on campus is not really an option as I take my classes online (it's a long story). I'm not into smoking pot, drinking, or any of that (although I don't have a problem with people who want to do those things so long as they're not disturbing me).



Nicholas
Nicholas,

Even if you ARE taking your classes online, go to campus and speak to someone in your Community College's counseling/advising center as well as in the college's career and employment center.

They can help point you in the right direction, and the career center will also be able to help you figure out how to find a part-time job to help you start building an employment history.

Being an online student does not prevent you from taking advantage of these services at your college.

And, you will probably feel much less isolated and lonely if you can arrange to take at least one or two classes on campus so that you can get involved with campus activities. If your parents object to that idea, just explain that you'll benefit from being able to take advantage of things like the library and meeting your professors face to face. At most community colleges, you'll need to take at least some of your classes in person to complete your degree in any case. Take one course in person as a "baby step" towards establishing more autonomy.

Good luck!
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Old 06-15-2017, 02:14 PM
 
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You're parents aren't doing you any favors. get out now before you get old and bitter. I just do not get this lifestyle. It kinda makes me sick. These parents, including yours, are selfish and destructive. Sorry, that's the way I see it
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Old 06-15-2017, 02:24 PM
 
9,707 posts, read 7,661,442 times
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Okay, let's focus on getting you out of the house a bit more. Contra dancing is a great start. Since you're in NC, take a look at the Country Dance and Song Society's online list of NC member affiliate groups - there are dances all around you, and it's common for dancers to carpool around to dances in different places.

See what's out there - there may be dance weekends, with local hospitality (i.e., you'd be a house guest of a local dancer) available through the hosting dance group, and this would be fun for you and your dance pals to attend.

Dance weekends typical start with a Friday evening dance, then morning and afternoon dance workshops (maybe music workshops as well) on Saturday with a break for lunch and dinner, then a big dance on Saturday night. There may also be a farewell dance starting at midmorning on Sunday, and the weekend concludes in early afternoon so everyone can drive back home. There are dance weekends and dance camps going on all summer, and some will be close to you.

If your local group doesn't presently go out for snacks after dancing, ask a few people if they'd like to do this. Pizza is classic, and it doesn't have to go with beer. Or just get Cokes and fries and burgers. You could do this and be home in an hour or less, for local dances.

BTW, slow down on the fancy steps and twirls and twiddles until you get the basics well in place. I know it looks sharp when you see others showboating, but it can really mess up your timing (and that of your partner and the other dancers in your set) if you are not right on the beat.

Best to keep it on the plain side until your response to the calls is automatic. That usually takes weekly dancing for several months to occur. Focus on your partner and the others you're dancing with; be in the right place at the right time; if you mess up a figure or a step, don't try to squeeze it in, just skip it and go on to the next figure - and you can't go far wrong. Also, try to dance with experienced dancers and ask them for tips.

If a job isn't in the cards right now, how about summer volunteer work? I know a homeschooled young person who has volunteered in a small local history museum for a couple of years now. Or if you like animals, try the animal shelter. If it's books, check the library. And so on - follow your interests.

I agree that taking "live" classes on campus would be great - at least spend some time on campus and ask the previously suggested questions and find out what's available to you.

If your parents' conservatism is religious-based, could your pastor talk to them about loosening the apron strings? BTW, are you an only child? Do you have any cousins around your own age? Do your mother's friends have children around your age? If so, were the expectations similar for these other young people?

It's admirable to be understanding and considerate of your mother's sensitivity and emotionalism - but you can't stay home and be mamma's boy forever (and I know you don't want to do this, either). Just gotta figure out a way for mamma to realize this as painlessly as possible...

Last edited by CraigCreek; 06-15-2017 at 02:34 PM..
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