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Old 06-15-2017, 03:45 PM
 
394 posts, read 224,213 times
Reputation: 800

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Nicolas,

Get up, pack your stuff, and tell your parents that you're moving out. You parents are not the problem. You are. Just do it.

Your mother is manipulating you. Stop asking for permission. You're an adult. Act like one. You need to get out and develop life survival skills (paying your bills, recovering from failures, handling stress). Hug your mom, get a phone, give her your number, get out of the house, join the Marine Corps and see the world. You can thank me later.
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Old 06-15-2017, 04:12 PM
 
848 posts, read 446,177 times
Reputation: 3253
Quote:
Originally Posted by patrick85395 View Post
Nicolas,

Get up, pack your stuff, and tell your parents that you're moving out. You parents are not the problem. You are. Just do it.

Your mother is manipulating you. Stop asking for permission. You're an adult. Act like one. You need to get out and develop life survival skills (paying your bills, recovering from failures, handling stress). Hug your mom, get a phone, give her your number, get out of the house, join the Marine Corps and see the world. You can thank me later.
I believe OP was sheltered in a homeschooling environment. If you know any young adults like this "just do it" doesn't work. Yes, technically you can but you don't know what it's like to be raised your whole life this way (I do). Heck there are some sheltered/homeschooled kids I knew who were paralyzed when having to order food at McDonalds (not saying OP is this way, just giving an example).

My advice to OP is take advantage of college classes while you are living at home and don't have to pay expenses. Take advantage of whatever career counseling the college provides on campus. Set up a game plan of the degree you are earning, the jobs/internships you might be able to get,and focus on doing all you can to achieve it. Make steps to get out more socially as other posters have mentioned. If your family is deeply religious are there other young people from your church with whom you can hang out? Anyway, it sounds as if you love your parents and don't want to disrespect them and for that I can understand. But it will be best for you if you take a stand and make a future for yourself.
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Old 06-15-2017, 06:02 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,611 posts, read 42,779,610 times
Reputation: 57320
Ok, so OP was homeschooled? The plot thickens.
Becoming an empty nester is HARD on mothers of good, obedient children. They don't know what to do with themselves. It is very hard for them to stop micromanaging.

Nicholas, your wish to grow and spread your wings is totally normal. Your parents have raised you to do this, even though they may have a hard time letting you go. This only proves that they have done a good job.
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Old 06-15-2017, 06:35 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
Reputation: 31056
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Ok, so OP was homeschooled? The plot thickens.
Becoming an empty nester is HARD on mothers of good, obedient children. They don't know what to do with themselves. It is very hard for them to stop micromanaging.

Nicholas, your wish to grow and spread your wings is totally normal. Your parents have raised you to do this, even though they may have a hard time letting you go. This only proves that they have done a good job.
I have no doubt that this is true, yet most parents realize that their job is to raise them to be independent, not stifle them and make them perpetually dependent.
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Old 06-15-2017, 06:50 PM
 
4,856 posts, read 1,364,119 times
Reputation: 4820
That's a curious post, and I'm left wondering what you do with all your time, if you're not at school, nor working.

It can be tough for some parents to let go, and maybe even tougher for yours - most parents have to start letting go as soon as the child goes off to school. Have you ever asked your parents what they envision your doing with your life? It might be enlightening to know.

You probably know that you're already past the age when most people would have launched out on their own. So the first thing is to get a job. Don't be confrontational with your parents, and don't ask permission. Just start job-hunting. Do you know what you want to do? Do you have skills? Do you have a resume? You may already be at a slight disadvantage, because most kids start with summer job at the age of 18. If you need help, some libraries and community centers have programs that might be useful.

Meanwhile, spend more time socializing. You're smart to recognize that you feel you're not good at it, and the only way to get past it is to keep at it. But besides the fun of socializing, and besides picking up those social skills, friends could also provide job advice, and maybe even lead you to an actual job interview. And, you know, if you're in a group of people, and there's a girl you like, you can always say, "Hey, I'm thinking of going to that new movie this weekend - would you be interested?"

If your mother has habit of bursting into tears, you need to figure out some good way to respond to that. For instance, maybe you'd tease her by saying, "Mom, are you crying because you have no faith in me?" Or, more seriously, "Mom, why would you cry at the idea of me being an independent, successful person?" If she says there's always time to do that later, you might kid her, "Yeah, Mom, are you expecting me to be looking for an entry-level job when I'm forty?" I'm sure you can figure out the right thing to say.

Good luck. Try to be firm now, because it's a pity to lose this time.
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Old 06-15-2017, 08:08 PM
 
619 posts, read 796,914 times
Reputation: 1387
Do you have siblings? Are you the last one to leave? That may be why your Mom is having so much trouble with you leaving.


I think that you have gotten a lot of good advice from others on here. One thing to consider if you have friends that are able to do so, try some of those weekend trips with them instead of family. This will give your parents a taste of life without you in the house and maybe getting used to the idea will help them let you move on.


As a Mom, I totally appreciate that you are trying to keep from hurting your mom.....that says a lot about you as a person. But you are going to have to leave at some point and if she is anything like me, there will be tears no matter when you leave. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't leave, it just means that you are well loved.


Good luck and I hope that you are able to move on with your life soon.
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Old 06-16-2017, 07:40 AM
 
13,018 posts, read 12,460,814 times
Reputation: 37288
Your mother's tears are her way of controlling you. You need to look past that at the reason for those tears. I'm guessing she's been a mom and housewife all her life and you are key to her identity. Look, that's just too bad for her. You can spend your life tiptoeing around her unreasonably fragile emotions or you can with kindness assert that you must pursue a life apart from your parents.

Bear with me, but I'm about to go into a digression that I swear is relevant. I recently lost a dog that was very dear to me - literally the dog that I had waited for all 36 years of my life and he died after just 4 years - and I am working on an essay about how I wish people would not compare it to losing a child. A friend of mine recently lost her teenage son in a particularly tragic manner. It is NOTHING remotely the same.

The point of my essay is that I raised my dog to be my constant companion, to be my partner in canine sporting activities and to carry my emotional burdens - we were perfectly attuned and it was amazing. And honestly I'm really struggling now without him. But the key point that I make in my essay is that no functional parent would every raise a child in those parameters - a child is raised to be sent out into the world and build a separate life. You are not an emotional support animal, but your mother (likely unintentionally) is treating you that way - you have a right to your ambitions, desires and freedom. Do not allow your mother to make your life all about her - you are an independent being and she will just have to find her fulfillment in other ways. She likely has some anxiety issues that make letting go hard. You do not need to accommodate these issues - as an adult, that burden of dealing with her issues is on her. Do not let her perfectly manageable personal problems blight your life.

You can be firm and assertive but still be kind. She may dissolve into tears or lash out at you, but that's her problem. Your wishes are perfectly reasonable.
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Old 06-16-2017, 07:47 AM
 
4,118 posts, read 1,725,210 times
Reputation: 11617
Out of curiosity, do you have health issues or anything else that your mom would be so protective about? I'm just trying to rationalize being so over the top with a 20 yr old...
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Old 06-16-2017, 12:07 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
377 posts, read 189,926 times
Reputation: 615
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
I believe OP was sheltered in a homeschooling environment. If you know any young adults like this "just do it" doesn't work. Yes, technically you can but you don't know what it's like to be raised your whole life this way (I do). Heck there are some sheltered/homeschooled kids I knew who were paralyzed when having to order food at McDonalds (not saying OP is this way, just giving an example).

My advice to OP is take advantage of college classes while you are living at home and don't have to pay expenses. Take advantage of whatever career counseling the college provides on campus. Set up a game plan of the degree you are earning, the jobs/internships you might be able to get,and focus on doing all you can to achieve it. Make steps to get out more socially as other posters have mentioned. If your family is deeply religious are there other young people from your church with whom you can hang out? Anyway, it sounds as if you love your parents and don't want to disrespect them and for that I can understand. But it will be best for you if you take a stand and make a future for yourself.
I meant to answer the religious question in a previous comment. Both my parents and I are religious, but none of us are overtly religious. We're not arguing with each other over principles and quotes from the Bible, if that makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarallel View Post
That's a curious post, and I'm left wondering what you do with all your time, if you're not at school, nor working.

It can be tough for some parents to let go, and maybe even tougher for yours - most parents have to start letting go as soon as the child goes off to school. Have you ever asked your parents what they envision your doing with your life? It might be enlightening to know.

You probably know that you're already past the age when most people would have launched out on their own. So the first thing is to get a job. Don't be confrontational with your parents, and don't ask permission. Just start job-hunting. Do you know what you want to do? Do you have skills? Do you have a resume? You may already be at a slight disadvantage, because most kids start with summer job at the age of 18. If you need help, some libraries and community centers have programs that might be useful.

Meanwhile, spend more time socializing. You're smart to recognize that you feel you're not good at it, and the only way to get past it is to keep at it. But besides the fun of socializing, and besides picking up those social skills, friends could also provide job advice, and maybe even lead you to an actual job interview. And, you know, if you're in a group of people, and there's a girl you like, you can always say, "Hey, I'm thinking of going to that new movie this weekend - would you be interested?"

If your mother has habit of bursting into tears, you need to figure out some good way to respond to that. For instance, maybe you'd tease her by saying, "Mom, are you crying because you have no faith in me?" Or, more seriously, "Mom, why would you cry at the idea of me being an independent, successful person?" If she says there's always time to do that later, you might kid her, "Yeah, Mom, are you expecting me to be looking for an entry-level job when I'm forty?" I'm sure you can figure out the right thing to say.

Good luck. Try to be firm now, because it's a pity to lose this time.
I am taking three classes this summer, and since they are considered short-semester classes, I have a fair amount of deadlines. But aside from that, and doing chores/work around the house, I don't have much to do, so I get pretty bored throughout the day. Mainly I just browse around on forums like C-D that offer something I have an interest in, or read non-fiction books that appeal to me. As far as skills go, I'm great at fixing things that I can work on with my hands, and I am quite interested in finance.

And I know a few girls, but I either don't really have a good way to reach them or they are currently in relationships. Actually asking one of them out doesn't really intimidate me as much as not having a good way to communicate with them because all of them just text and Facebook their friends.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whakru View Post
Do you have siblings? Are you the last one to leave? That may be why your Mom is having so much trouble with you leaving.


I think that you have gotten a lot of good advice from others on here. One thing to consider if you have friends that are able to do so, try some of those weekend trips with them instead of family. This will give your parents a taste of life without you in the house and maybe getting used to the idea will help them let you move on.

As a Mom, I totally appreciate that you are trying to keep from hurting your mom.....that says a lot about you as a person. But you are going to have to leave at some point and if she is anything like me, there will be tears no matter when you leave. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't leave, it just means that you are well loved.

Good luck and I hope that you are able to move on with your life soon.
I have one sibling who is younger than me, so I will be the first to leave. Unless he beats me to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
Out of curiosity, do you have health issues or anything else that your mom would be so protective about? I'm just trying to rationalize being so over the top with a 20 yr old...
No, not that I'm aware of. I'm pretty athletic, not overweight, and don't have any major allergies to speak of (mainly just pollen). She mainly seems to be having an issue letting go.
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Old 06-16-2017, 12:39 PM
 
Location: in my mind
4,616 posts, read 6,124,493 times
Reputation: 9150
Maybe this has been addressed but if you have an email account and can read forums such as this, is there something preventing you from getting a Facebook account?
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