U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-14-2017, 03:51 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
378 posts, read 191,195 times
Reputation: 615

Advertisements

Hi all,

I hope this is the right forum to post this in. This might be a bit of a rant, but hopefully at least a few of you can read between the lines and offer some advice.

So basically, I am in my early 20s and am still living with my parents. I love my parents, and try to abide by their wishes as best I can, but I'm feeling more and more like they (mom in particular) don't really want me to grow up.

I want to move out and start blazing my own path, but I feel like I'm being discouraged from this. Whenever I broach the subject of getting a job or anything like that, I'm always told "there's always time to do that later." I don't really have any close friends anymore to talk to, so frustration and anger has started to build up inside. It just keeps gnawing away at me, so to speak, and it has become very difficult for me to focus on important things (like college homework), get much sleep, and the like.

I feel like I've always been a little over-protected, especially with regards to communication. When my friends all started moving on and talking with each other via email, I couldn't keep up because my mom didn't want me to have an email account. By the time I finally convinced her that I was old enough and responsible enough to have an email account, everyone had moved on to Facebook. I wasn't ever allowed to make a FB account. I wasn't allowed to get a phone either, and to this day I don't have one. Until maybe a year or so ago, I had very little self-confidence and always felt socially awkward when trying to talk to others because I had so little socialization throughout most of my teenage years (I was homeschooled by the way, which is why I wasn't around other kids on a daily basis). It's a little better now, but I still don't really feel like I'm very good at socializing with others. I've never gone on a date because it's too awkward trying to get a girl's contact info without a phone, and although I feel like I know a lot of people, it's so hard for me to communicate with them that I feel like I don't really have any true friends anymore.

I guess I'm wondering what I should do. Whenever I try to put my foot down, my mom can't take it and just breaks down in tears (and I hate to see her in tears), but I can only take so much internal destruction before I blow my lid. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks,
Nicholas
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-14-2017, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,132 posts, read 3,082,475 times
Reputation: 8676
Your parents are stifling you. It's inappropriate and abusive in the sense that you are being crippled as an adult. And you ARE an adult, not a child, so it's time to start acting like one. I understand that it's difficult with overbearing parents, but it needs to happen.

Do you have your driver's license and a car? You need to get a job. Once you do that, get a phone. Let your parents know that you'd like to continue living at home while you finish college (assuming this is true), but there are going to be some changes (job, phone, whatever). If they cannot agree, then you will need to move out. This might entail going to school part time while working full time, and you'll likely need to fine a roommate or two, but it can be done.

You can do it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 04:49 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,960 posts, read 64,436,469 times
Reputation: 68876
Are you in college? Are there any opportunities to get an internship in your field? Either for summer, or after school? Check with your academic advisor, the college employment office, and your faculty.

You can set up email and FB at your neighborhood public library. It's free.

Does your college have any activities or clubs you could get involved in? See what they have, and pick something. You can get some experience socializing that way. You can also check out Meetups via internet, and see if there are any groups that focus on something you're interested in. Do you have a bike, or are you able to take the bus to get around?

Why does your mom break out in tears when you put your foot down? Put it down about what, exactly? What does "putting your foot down" look like? Where's your dad in this scenario? Are they heavily into religion, is that why you were homeschooled?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 07:03 PM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,008,112 times
Reputation: 4391
Nicholas, It's time to start gaining your independence from your parents. Do you have a drivers license? If not that needs to be your first step, then get a job. Once you are out and about the social awkwardness will disappear. Doing some volunteer work or joining a club would help you meet people. Be firm with your parents but respectful, you are an adult and don't have to feel guilty for wanting to live your own life. Good Luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 08:00 PM
 
Location: here
24,477 posts, read 28,795,927 times
Reputation: 31057
I agree with what everyone else said. It sounds like you are in college (you mentioned homework). Maybe try to get a job on campus. Earn some money and get yourself a phone. You are an adult. You don't need their permission to do these things.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 08:26 PM
 
511 posts, read 196,669 times
Reputation: 599
I don't know if what I'm about to suggest would be right for you but have you ever considered moving out of NC? If you're parents are still able-bodied, it would seem they don't need your help right now. If you moved far away, you could still be in contact by snail mail, e-mail, social networking sites, Skype where you can see plus hear each other.

With your anxiety, I wonder if you might want to be in a state with legal cannabis? It really is helpful for anger control, anxiety, & depression. It normally has no serious side effects. But NC residents are above average in thinking the gov't actually tells the truth about this and nearly everything else. So many have
made good friends just by smoking pot together. If you've already tried it and hated it, please forgive me for making this suggestion. I wish you all the best.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 10:01 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,960 posts, read 64,436,469 times
Reputation: 68876
Quote:
Originally Posted by GWTJ View Post
I don't know if what I'm about to suggest would be right for you but have you ever considered moving out of NC? If you're parents are still able-bodied, it would seem they don't need your help right now. If you moved far away, you could still be in contact by snail mail, e-mail, social networking sites, Skype where you can see plus hear each other.

With your anxiety, I wonder if you might want to be in a state with legal cannabis? It really is helpful for anger control, anxiety, & depression. It normally has no serious side effects. But NC residents are above average in thinking the gov't actually tells the truth about this and nearly everything else. So many have
made good friends just by smoking pot together. If you've already tried it and hated it, please forgive me for making this suggestion. I wish you all the best.
A good therapist can help the patient resolve all of those, without drugs or meds of any kind, and some insurances pay for it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 10:12 PM
 
511 posts, read 196,669 times
Reputation: 599
Where can 1 find a therapist that doesn't push one to a pill pushing psychiatrist?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
A good therapist can help the patient resolve all of those, without drugs or meds of any kind, and some insurances pay for it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,102 posts, read 10,119,708 times
Reputation: 27984
Quote:
Originally Posted by GWTJ View Post
Where can 1 find a therapist that doesn't push one to a pill pushing psychiatrist?
So you are pushing joints instead? Medicating is still medicating whether it comes in a pill or a leaf.

Anyway, back to the OP. Yes, your parents are trying to prevent you from growing up. Do you have the skills and education to find a job that you can support yourself with? If yes, do what you need to do to make that happen. If no, then your top priority needs to be to find a way to get those skills ASAP.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-14-2017, 10:38 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,870 posts, read 18,961,127 times
Reputation: 25142
OP, you should get a part time job. Then get your own phone, and start saving for a car if you don't have one yet. Working somewhere like a store or a restaurant is a good way to meet other people your age.

Your mother sounds like she will fight anything you do that lessens her control over you. You can give in to that and remain under her control until she eventually grows old and dies, and then you can start trying to build some sort of adult life, which will be difficult at that age. Or you can start making your stand now. When she cries, tell her you know it's difficult seeing you grow up, but you know she would want you to become an independent adult. Never apologize for your choices, only say, "I'm sorry you feel this way." And give yourself a time limit, maybe ten minutes of listening to her cry and then make an excuse to bail. Or less than ten minutes, if it's really hard for you to stand up to her when she cries.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top