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Oh for crying out loud! You ARE seeing her! You make it sound like you haven't seen her in years. Of course she doesn't have time for dinner. She's on her way to work! If she's worked all night, why would she want to stay for breakfast? She's probably exhausted and wants to sleep.
You're allowing her to use a car. You could give her the car or tell her to get her own car. You aren't. You're using that damn car as leverage. I went through this at her age with my parents. It was AWFUL! You need to stop. Just stop! She's an adult. Why can't you be happy that she has a job and is supporting herself?
While you have some valid points, you're wrong about her wanting to go to bed when she gets off work.
Guess you have never worked nights, if you have you would know people don't go to bed as soon as they get home.
Do office workers who get off at 5pm crawl into bed at 6pm? Of course not, well neither do people work nights or graveyard shift, they come home eat something stay up awhile and than go to sleep.
Oh for crying out loud! You ARE seeing her! You make it sound like you haven't seen her in years. Of course she doesn't have time for dinner. She's on her way to work! If she's worked all night, why would she want to stay for breakfast? She's probably exhausted and wants to sleep.
You're allowing her to use a car. You could give her the car or tell her to get her own car. You aren't. You're using that damn car as leverage. I went through this at her age with my parents. It was AWFUL! You need to stop. Just stop! She's an adult. Why can't you be happy that she has a job and is supporting herself?
Well, if she's borrowing the car, she's really not supporting herself...
"We miss you. We're sad that we only seem to see you for a few minutes here and there when you stop by for the car. We'd love to hear how your life is going. Can you come over for dinner on x date at x time or y date at y time?"
That might work better than last-minute invitations. It will certainly be more effective than telling her she's an ungrateful spoiled brat.
While you have some valid points, you're wrong about her wanting to go to bed when she gets off work.
Guess you have never worked nights, if you have you would know people don't go to bed as soon as they get home.
Do office workers who get off at 5pm crawl into bed at 6pm? Of course not, well neither do people work nights or graveyard shift, they come home eat something stay up awhile and than go to sleep.
But since she only works the night shift 2 or 3 times a week, she probably isn't keeping a consistent sleep schedule. I doubt she is staying up till 8-9 am on her days off, so she probably is tired by the timr she gets off work.
And not everyone goes by the same schedule. When my SO worked night shifts he would get something to eat on his way home and then go right to bed. He would get up well before he had to go to work to socialize with friends, since its not like he was going out for happy hour at 8am when he got off work. Now that he works a 9-5 job he sleeps before going to work, not after since now everything is happening when he gets off work and not at 6am.
Well, if she's borrowing the car, she's really not supporting herself...
Why not? She doesn't have to use the car. She lives in a large city and could easily take public transportation. Her parents insist that she uses their extra car because they don't want her using public transportation late at night. And of course the daughter is going to take them up on the offer when it means a 30 minute car ride instead of a 2 hr bus ride. Who wouldn't?
I think its practical for her to borrow her parents spare car instead of wasting money on a car that she would use for maybe 2-3 hrs each week.
Why not? She doesn't have to use the car. She lives in a large city and could easily take public transportation. Her parents insist that she uses their extra car because they don't want her using public transportation late at night. And of course the daughter is going to take them up on the offer when it means a 30 minute car ride instead of a 2 hr bus ride. Who wouldn't?
I think its practical for her to borrow her parents spare car instead of wasting money on a car that she would use for maybe 2-3 hrs each week.
It might be practical but it does seem as though it might be contributing to the idea that she's ungrateful as far as the parents see it. If the car rides aren't on the table then it gives a truer picture of the relationship.
If parking fees aren't involved owning a used car isn't that expensive other than insurance, especially if it's rarely used and not needing much in the way of gas, routine maintenance, or repairs. If it were me I'd sell her the car, pay her insurance for a year and see how things shake out after that.
"We miss you. We're sad that we only seem to see you for a few minutes here and there when you stop by for the car. We'd love to hear how your life is going. Can you come over for dinner on x date at x time or y date at y time?"
That might work better than last-minute invitations. It will certainly be more effective than telling her she's an ungrateful spoiled brat.
I can tell you, from experience, those type of "canned" statements rarely (never IME) work.
She sees her parents 3x a week. How often do you think a 20 something year old should see her parents? Everyday?
She has her own place, a job, her own social circle... So yes, people have lives away from their parents. Its not cold to say, its the truth.
She sees us twice a week for less than a minute. As an example tomorrow i have to get some blood tests done at the hospital Wife and i are then going out for breakfast at a restaurant right across the street from her apartment,we asked her to join us at about 8;30 her response was its too early.
I wonder if some of the responders to this topic actually have kids as in my case i've loved these kids for 20+years now all of a sudden i am expected to say goodby to the kids and stop loving them because they've moved away from home and got jobs? sorry but im not wired that way.
When I was in college I HAD to call home every Sunday night and talk for an hour about nothing. I had to come home at least once a month...couldn't bring laundry - had to do that "on my own time", even though I would have done it myself...(being a girl and all!). But when I went home the expectation was that I wouldn't see any friends or go out on my own because I was there to see THEM - of course all we did was sit around and look at each other!
Much better to have a child visit voluntarily. I agree this is a time of independence...especially compared to later if she marries and has kids. This may be a little extreme but if your relationship is warm or at least cordial and not argumentative when you do talk and she comes over, things are okay. Let her know she is welcome - maybe she'd rather go out to eat with you? Find other activities perhaps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt
May your kids show you the same respect when they leave "the nest"! Your post is just dripping with contempt for your parents.
...
When my oldest daughter went to college we did express an expectation that she call weekly on Sundays. That seems to be a thing in many families. I recall reading that President Clinton called his mother every Sunday. She was better at it than the younger one.
Both my kids went out of state to college; visiting once a month was not possible. We didn't put any restrictions on what they could do when they were home on breaks, except for one or two activities we had set up. That seemed to be the case with most of their friends as well. We didn't care if they brought laundry home, and when the younger one transferred to a college near home, she did her laundry at home rather than in the coin-op machines at her apartment.
All this is rather far afield from the OP. I do think that in three years, the DD could have invited them over to her apartment once, regardless of roommates, cleaning issues, busy-ness, etc, etc, etc.
Dripping with contempt? Did you really look at a clock with your daughters and NOT hang up until 60 minutes went by? That's what MY mother did....and you say your daughters could do laundry and could visit friends. So...get off your high horse - you don't know the first thing about my parents except what I've shared here and your situation was almost completely the opposite. I hope you still talk for 60 minutes every week with BOTH your daughters.
But since she only works the night shift 2 or 3 times a week, she probably isn't keeping a consistent sleep schedule. I doubt she is staying up till 8-9 am on her days off, so she probably is tired by the timr she gets off work.
And not everyone goes by the same schedule. When my SO worked night shifts he would get something to eat on his way home and then go right to bed. He would get up well before he had to go to work to socialize with friends, since its not like he was going out for happy hour at 8am when he got off work. Now that he works a 9-5 job he sleeps before going to work, not after since now everything is happening when he gets off work and not at 6am.
So does you SO got to bed at 7pm, doubtful.
Very few people who work night shifts or graveyard want to climb into bed the minute they get home, the logical reason being they're too wound up from work, you eat, you unwind for a few hours and than you go to bed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00
Why not? She doesn't have to use the car. She lives in a large city and could easily take public transportation. Her parents insist that she uses their extra car because they don't want her using public transportation late at night. And of course the daughter is going to take them up on the offer when it means a 30 minute car ride instead of a 2 hr bus ride. Who wouldn't?
I think its practical for her to borrow her parents spare car instead of wasting money on a car that she would use for maybe 2-3 hrs each week.
Great, than she can spend an hour or so every once in awhile visiting with her parents, otherwise it's just about using someone for their car. Doesn't matter if it's your parents, your sister, or a friend. Doesn't mean everytime you have to visit, but it wouldn't kill her to once a month spend an hour or so.
The OP just posted they asked her to join them out for breakfast, and she couldn't be bothered.
She's a big girl, she can take public transit.
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