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A friend of mine is a nanny for a family and was telling me how she disciplines the two boys and how wonderfully it works.
In the situation you told what she would have done was told your son that he is not allowed to take toys and made him stand in the corner for two minutes. Once the punishment is over she makes him explain why he got in trouble so she knows he understands. She said it usually takes two times for him to do the bad behavior and it stops.
That only works with routine and consistency, both are lacking in this case.
Look, to be honest, I have no business commenting on how other parents raise their kids. Every parent-child situation is unique and comes with its own dynamics and challenges. In short, there are never ever any "one shoe fits all" type of answers.
All I can say is - based on what you said, it sounds like medicating your child sounds like an over-reaction. Meaning, I do not think you guys have exhausted all the other non-medical options available to you - like trying different parenting and discipline techniques. I increasingly see parents who are going to therapy and medication (for their kids) way more easily than before. And worse, doctors instead of trying to find non-medical solutions first are quick to diagnose kids with stuff like ADHD and what not and then solving it by drugging the kids.
Based on what you said - your 4 year old kid does not listen to you much, is defiant, snatches toys from his younger sister and from other kids? And he is an angel at preschool and only does all this when you guys are around?? You basically described a perfectly healthy normal 4 year old boy.
Please for heaven's sake - read up about what is going on in the mind of a 4 year old boy. And also how they handle younger siblings. At 4, they are rapidly discovering a sense of individuality, discovering better control of their body, their muscles, have the ability to think and question, especially question rules, discover they can get their way, discover that they can actually say "no"! And in many cases, they are extremely frustrated and in a constant state of turmoil and huge emotional swings. Either their physical growth is not keeping up with their mental growth, or the other way around.
On top of this, every single kid goes crazy when they get back from school and come home to their parents. They feel they can let their hair down and become a goofball. And breaking rules or saying "no" becomes a game to them.
What's the solution? It is hard and will not happen overnight. Much harder than having your kid pop a pill. Ask yourself - why does the exact same kid behave like an angel in school but behave so differently at home? Perhaps the answer is - the school teachers are doing certain things you guys are not. Perhaps they have a consistent and well defined set of rules that they consistently but calmly enforce. Again and again. And then again and again.
Trust me, this works. Make a set of rules. Always enforce those rules. Always. And do it calmly and firmly and without raising your voice. And this is like learning to play the guitar. The kid is not going to become obedient overnight. You have to train your kid to live within the rules like you train your muscle memory to play guitar chords. Consistent practice.
Oh, and when you have rules, you respect them too. Do not make up arbitrary rules "on the fly". Do not micromanage your kid either or you will lose the power of your voice and the power of your rules. If the rule is, he should not take a toy from her but he still wants to play with the toy, instead of saying no to him or forcing her to share, have them take turns. She gets to play with the toy for 5 minutes, then he. If necessary buy a kid countdown clock with a big dial face so the kids can actually see the minutes ticking down.
But if your kid is obeying the rules and playing by himself, even if he is creating a bit of a mess, stop the urge to keep telling him what to do and what not to do. Give him some breathing room so he feel he has his independence too and can also do things "his own way". He vitally needs this extra space so he can develop his individuality too.
One thing that really works is - when the kid is agitated, first get them to calm down by keeping a low voice yourself. And then tell them, you are not being mean, the rules are rules. It is not personal so it doesn't have to be emotional. It is the rules that need to be obeyed. In other words, it is "you and the kid VS the rules" and not "you VS the kid". So work with your kid, give him alternatives and other options and other ideas. It will work sometimes, it will not work other times. You can also offer to provide comfort and even a bribe because the rule is so harsh or so hard to follow. But the rules are rules and have to be followed. And keep reminding your son that you have to obey the rules too. Only the set of rules for the grownups are different. Tell him examples of how you have to follow grown up rules.
A small tip: When a kid is really upset, it often works to get down to their physical level so you are face to face. By kneeling and then talking to them calmly and empathising with them, it can sometimes have surprisingly good results.
All this reasoning! He's four! He needs direction. His brain isn't finished yet. That's why we don't let him sign a contract just yet. I'd say a swat or two here and there. But the arthritis thing, not sure. As for ADHD? Funny how half our male kids developed it in the '70s. When I went to K - 12, two guys were problems. One was unfortunate, but hardly ADHD. Other factors. The other? Maybe. But it didn't blossom until a couple hundred years after first "diagnosed."
Use your judgement first and foremost. The experts don't sleep at your house. Spock spoke out against self-denial and respect for authority. He counseled parents to accomodate their child's feelings, to cater to their preferences. I see some of that in the above posts.
Oh, yeah. Neither of his sons committed suicide. It was his grandson. FWIW
In "siblings without rivalry" a good suggestion was when one child hurts another, ONLY give attention to the hurt child and completely ignore the child who did it. He got a LOT of attention for taking his sister's book and then throwing it at her, and most of it kind of positive actually. Getting dad's patient attention explaining what he did wrong - which he knows full well, btw.
This dynamic isn't unusual - an older brother tormenting a younger sister, and it may morph into her resorting to ear piercing screaming at any provocation by him. Not pleasant either.
Sibling relationships can be so taxing.
^^^ This.
(Imagine downarrow here) Not this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spazkat9696
Maybe next time her takes a book say "Oh, are you going to read the book to your sister? That's nice, good job!" If he takes a toy "Oh, are you going to teach her how to play? Good job!" Try to make things positive vs negative. He's going for your attention, so try making it positive. You can easily shape the negative behaviors into a positive behaviors.
That second quote there espouses continuing to give attention for negative behavior. That is the EXACT OPPOSITE of an effective way to handle the situation. That kid knows darn well he had no intention of reading to his sister or playing nicely with her. Telling him you think that's what he was doing is just going to teach him that you are stupid and easily manipulated. Which you are.
Here's a trick I used on all my kids, grand kids and the kids I babysat when I was a young mom.
When a child grabs a toy from a younger child, or the younger child grabs a toy that the older one was playing with...
I'd pull the older one aside and whisper that I had a trick he could do that wouldn't cause a fight or crying over toys. It's called baby tricking or psychology. Tell him to find a toy the baby really likes better and offer it to them nicely. If they put the toy down that you want, then you can have it, if not, keep looking until you find something they want more. Then say thank you when they lay the other toy down.
It works like a charm. It's nicer. And if they forgot, I'd just give them a side glance and mouth "baby tricking" quietly.
So far, 30 years later, no ill effects on my children, they have grown up into nice adults and parents.
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
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Growing up in my family if a young child doesn't show proper respect to adults you took a belt, paddle, or switch and beat them with it until that's no longer a problem. I'm sure many people on here see that as abuse. I wish I had gotten more, not less discipline. The key to success as an adult is iron discipline.
Thank you for all the great suggestions! It's nice to know we aren't alone in this struggle. We don't seem to have and friends with these issues so it can feel isolating at times.
Worst Thing Ever. Mom does not know what to do?? For SHAME!!!! You are all good.
Yes my husband can go after he drops him off but he says it's too hard staying home with both of them so he goes to pass the time. And he doesn't like going to the park with them unless I'm there because the go in opposite directions and he doesn't feel comfortable being able to watch both.
I agree about napping inside but he refuses to nap unless it's in the car. No idea why but he just won't nap and be irritable for the rest of the day.
I think the activities is a big issue. My husband admittedly has trouble initiating anything so he cannot come up with things on his own to do that involve interacting. He does really well with following lists if I write one but then I don't want to feel like his mom too.
What I'm hearing is 'we'd like to do (insert good move here) but its too hard'
Your husband needs to buckle up and do some parenting. Its supposed to be hard. Or, you guys can switch roles if it really just isnt his thing. Because if you can't tell your son its time to go (or nap) inside now, you certainly wont be able to tell him so when he's 16 and 'hanging out'. And doing that wont get easier with time either. Taking him to the park for some one on one soccer shouldn't be that hard.
Both of you need to just learn how to do hard things when it comes to him. Like discipline without feeding his attention seeking, setting rules and sticking by them and boundaries( with sissy and even you two- he cant be allowed to wake up the household if it isnt time to wake up). Sounds to me like he's badly in need of quality time with both of you, a nap time, boundaries and a schedule at home. He probably does better in school because boundaries and schedules are clearly defined
Oh and he absolutely needs a different sleep schedule. He's too young to be up anywhere near 16 hours a day (assuming a late, 9 pm bedtime and missed nap because he had to leave the car.)
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