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My husband and I are struggling with discilping our 4 year old son. He has become pretty unruly ever since we had our daughter who is 22 months. It's like he is always trying to compete for attention even if that means doing things he's not supposed to. We find ourselves constantly yelling at him which doesn't even work since he just does that same thing again 2 minutes later.
Just now for example, our daughter was sitting quietly looking through a book. He walked up and grabbed it out of her hands. We told him not to take things and that he needed to give it back. So he threw it right at her head. We sent him to his room for time out (no toys in his room at all or he would never sleep). He cried and screamed then went to his room. My husband talked to him about what he did wrong and then he came back down stairs. The FIRST thing he does is take the toy my daughter was holding. It was literally 2 minutes within coming back in the room. And this happens all the time. I just feel it goes in one ear out the other.
The same happens at the park so it's very stressful taking him. He will walk up to kids and take whatever toy they have and then run off. When we tell him to give it back he throws it at them.
He goes to preschool 5 days a week 4 hours per day and the teachers say he's this little angel. So clearly we are doing something wrong.
We've also taken him to the Amen Clinics for therapy and the Psychologist said he believes my sons juvenile arthritis may be causing inflammation in his brain too causing more intensity /anger. So he recommended supplements called NeuroLink which worked in calming him for about a month but it's like he's developed a tolerance now. We also had all sorts of food allergy testing done which were negative. We think he may have ADHD but aren't sure if it's just toddler hyperactivity. And he's too young to diagnose.
Anyway sorry for the long post but we don't know what to do. These incidents happen usually over 10 times a day on weekends and a few after school on weekdays. It's made me dread coming home from work.
Also, my husband is a stay home dad so he's with him most of the time.
Be consistent. Listen to your gut. I had a lot of problems disciplining my oldest when he was that age. I used timeouts, but it was hard to see short term results. I got all kinds of crazy advice here and elsewhere. Someone even told me to make him army crawl and wall sit.
FF several years, and he was Dx'ed with ADHD. Knowing is half the battle. He's more in control of his actions now, and he's a good kid overall.
Keep seeking professional help until you get answers.
Maybe next time her takes a book say "Oh, are you going to read the book to your sister? That's nice, good job!" If he takes a toy "Oh, are you going to teach her how to play? Good job!" Try to make things positive vs negative. He's going for your attention, so try making it positive. You can easily shape the negative behaviors into a positive behaviors.
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In "siblings without rivalry" a good suggestion was when one child hurts another, ONLY give attention to the hurt child and completely ignore the child who did it. He got a LOT of attention for taking his sister's book and then throwing it at her, and most of it kind of positive actually. Getting dad's patient attention explaining what he did wrong - which he knows full well, btw.
This dynamic isn't unusual - an older brother tormenting a younger sister, and it may morph into her resorting to ear piercing screaming at any provocation by him. Not pleasant either.
My husband and I are struggling with discilping our 4 year old son. He has become pretty unruly ever since we had our daughter who is 22 months. It's like he is always trying to compete for attention even if that means doing things he's not supposed to.
Of course he is acting out because he has a new sibling. It's quite normal. You need to give him extra attention. Can he be a helper for you and your dd? For example, can he get the diaper supplies when you need to diaper her? Can he help you with cooking or cleaning up? Many kids like to have a spray bottle to clean the windows with (just water so he won't get any soap in his eyes - it may not actually clean, but it can make him feel like he is helping.
Get some books about being a big brother if you have not already. I always suggest: Nobody Asked Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister by Martha Alexander.
We find ourselves constantly yelling at him which doesn't even work since he just does that same thing again 2 minutes later.
I never found that yelling worked well for anything. The calmer you are, the better.
Just now for example, our daughter was sitting quietly looking through a book. He walked up and grabbed it out of her hands. We told him not to take things and that he needed to give it back. So he threw it right at her head. We sent him to his room for time out (no toys in his room at all or he would never sleep). He cried and screamed then went to his room. My husband talked to him about what he did wrong and then he came back down stairs. The FIRST thing he does is take the toy my daughter was holding. It was literally 2 minutes within coming back in the room. And this happens all the time. I just feel it goes in one ear out the other.
You are doing too much talking. He knows what he did was wrong since you have probably talked about it many times. Act, do not talk. Immediately take him to his room without any talking, just like people suggest for sleep training.
The same happens at the park so it's very stressful taking him. He will walk up to kids and take whatever toy they have and then run off. When we tell him to give it back he throws it at them.
This is a little behind the developmental schedule for a 4 year old, especially since he goes to preschool. If he does not do this at preschool, talk to the teachers to see what they are doing. He may need a more structured environment at home.
He goes to preschool 5 days a week 4 hours per day and the teachers say he's this little angel. So clearly we are doing something wrong.
We've also taken him to the Amen Clinics for therapy and the Psychologist said he believes my sons juvenile arthritis may be causing inflammation in his brain too causing more intensity /anger. So he recommended supplements called NeuroLink which worked in calming him for about a month but it's like he's developed a tolerance now.
We also had all sorts of food allergy testing done which were negative. We think he may have ADHD but aren't sure if it's just toddler hyperactivity. And he's too young to diagnose.
Anyway sorry for the long post but we don't know what to do. These incidents happen usually over 10 times a day on weekends and a few after school on weekdays. It's made me dread coming home from work.
Also, my husband is a stay home dad so he's with him most of the time.
My comments above in blue.
As for what to do, does he have anything special he enjoys. Can you take him out by himself and have the other parent stay with your dd? He needs extra parental attention, imo. Make a date with him once a week or so - alternating parents - so dad takes him one time and you take him the next.
When you take him to the park, be more proactive at playing with him. It would be nice if he could play with the other kids, but it sounds like he is not ready to do that without more supervision. You could start a game and ask other kids to join in - perhaps bring a ball and start a game of catch. Tag football might also work if you dh likes that. Or bring a few cars and have him share them with other kids. Or if there is a sandbox, bring your own sand toys and share them with others. You will have to supervise this so that the kids take turns or share. If he likes to swing, try swinging, but counting the number of swings to have him learn to take turns with the swing as well.
Good luck!!!!
The juvenile arthritis sounds hard, btw. I don't know what can help with that, but if he is in pain, it could be why he is acting out.
OP, it can't be ADD or allergies, because the symptoms only manifest at home, not in school.
What if you dedicated some quality time with him, just him, during the day, or for part of a weekend, to let him know that he's important, and that he's loved? What if your husband took him out on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, to go to the park and teach him to throw a football, or to play Frisbee, or do some other bonding activity? Go rowing/boating in the park or horseback riding, or whatever activities are available in your area? What if, each day, you took him aside while your daughter sleeps, to read him a story? And your husband spent a weekend with him, building a go-cart?
Clearly, he feels pushed aside in favor of the new baby/toddler. Address that in a positive manner. See if his behavior calms down after a couple of months of that.
OP, it can't be ADD or allergies, because the symptoms only manifest at home, not in school.
What if you dedicated some quality time with him, just him, during the day, or for part of a weekend, to let him know that he's important, and that he's loved? What if your husband took him out on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, to go to the park and teach him to throw a football, or to play Frisbee, or do some other bonding activity? Go rowing/boating in the park or horseback riding, or whatever activities are available in your area? What if, each day, you took him aside while your daughter sleeps, to read him a story? And your husband spent a weekend with him, building a go-cart?
Clearly, he feels pushed aside in favor of the new baby/toddler. Address that in a positive manner. See if his behavior calms down after a couple of months of that.
Not necessarily. A lot of kids work so hard to hold to together at school, that it all explodes when they get home. My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD and this has been the case for him since kindergarten at least.
4 yrs old is an interesting age. Not quite old enough so that you can reason with them all the time, and not quite young enough that spanking is the best deterrent.
I'd ask his teachers what he does when he's mad at them, find out how he behaves. No kid is ever an angel 24/7 at school. But if they are able to handle his behavior, find out what they are doing and try it yourself. I'm guessing he has more of a healthy respect for his teachers at this point than he does for you and your husband, if he repeats the bad behavior immediately, willingly.
He is seeking attention and you are giving it to him. The problem is, you are giving him negative attention. You need to give as much positive attention as possible.
At this point, I would take him on an outing without little sister. Give him some time where he gets all the attention.
When he starts taking/throwing things, take your daughter and leave the room. Completely ignore him and his behavior. He wants attention and he is getting it through discipline.
He's doing it because it's working for him Yes, he wants attention, and when he acts out, he gets it from you. Establish the rules. When he breaks them, it's straight to time-out. Do not talk to him, do not engage him, do not even make eye contact. Just pick him up, and put him in time out. If he gets out or time out, repeat. DO NOT ENGAGE HIM! By engage him, I mean don't talk to him, don't tell him what he did was wrong, nothing. Just remove him from the situation and ignore him. If he throws a shoe to get your attention while he's sitting in time out, ignore it. It may take a while, but if it stops working for him, he'll stop doing it.
And conversely, you need to catch him being good. When he's nice to his sister, acknowledge it. Tell him that it was very nice of him to give her that toy or whatever.
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