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If your husband wants to turn a blind eye to this and insist on continuing to see them in spite of the unfair treatment it's probably best to let him go with your kids but remove yourself from the interactions. Your kids will figure it out on their own and eventually they will refuse to interact as well and instead stay home with you.
We have dealt with similar situations although not quite as blatant with the grandparents and it's infuriating and sad. At this point, my kids have figured it out and have chosen to limit their interactions.
This has been our thought, too. My in-laws haven't done anything as bad as the OP's, but we did have a bit of a breaking point several years ago. I figured if we/I kept them from their grand parents, we'd be the bad guys. If we allowed them to interact, the kids would eventually figure it out for themselves. They are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by divakat
No, but she's always tried to bring me down (even when she supposedly loved me). I am a professional woman (doctor). My husband was the only one of the kids to graduate college, he's a lawyer (although not practicing law now) and we have a significantly higher standard of living than their other kids. My in-laws, their middle daughter and her husband have all constantly given digs directed at me, my kids, and even my husband though he ignores it, our house, neighborhood, profession, even looks when people outside the family have commented positively about my and my kids' looks. I think, as insane as this sounds, they are desperately trying to "level the playing field" through their actions. It's crazy!
I wondered if that might be the case. My in-laws keep Christmas and b-day gifts very even, and I give them credit for that. But they pay for things for their other grand kids that I would never dream of letting them pay for for ours. They I'm talking, vacations, cars, college tuition. I don't know if they are keeping track and will eventually offer the same to my kids, or if they won't because we don't "need" it.
Yeah.
I don't allow my children near any adult who hurts them.
I don't know why you do.
And wth is wrong with your husband?!
Well, if you read through my other posts you'd know that my husband won't agree to not have the kids around his family. He insists on them seeing his parents and has taken them without me when I've been against it. So it's either divorce (where they'd likely see his parents much more than they do now) or the current situation.
Well, if you read through my other posts you'd know that my husband won't agree to not have the kids around his family. He insists on them seeing his parents and has taken them without me when I've been against it. So it's either divorce (where they'd likely see his parents much more than they do now) or the current situation.
Since, I assume, that the biggest problem happens on Christmas when the other grandchildren get dozens and dozens of presents and your child gets very few gifts why not visit YOUR family instead of going to your SIL's house for gift opening? And, if the other grandchildren get gifts for Easter, Thanksgiving & the 4th of July why not visit YOUR family or friends for those holidays or just spend those holidays with your immediate family and see his family when the other grandchildren are not getting gifts? I know that you said that your parents live far away but when was the last Christmas that you and your family visited them (and skipped the very painful torture of gift opening with his family)?
Heck, even if the blatant favoritism during gift giving was not a problem, it would still be unfair to your family if they never get to see you and your family on major holidays.
My son was excited about being MVP so he told his grandparents. Their comment about Ethan was made after that (when at least my son was out of earshot) but when he told them they didn't even congratulate him.
Your husband isn't standing up,for the kids, but you can. I would have said in front of them "grandma meant to tell you how proud of you she is! She can be forgetful sometimes. Isn't that right grandma?" And smile super sweetly. Call them out on any behavior like this.
Well, if you read through my other posts you'd know that my husband won't agree to not have the kids around his family. He insists on them seeing his parents and has taken them without me when I've been against it. So it's either divorce (where they'd likely see his parents much more than they do now) or the current situation.
Show him this thread and let him know he is failing in his duty to protect his family.
" My darling 7 year old son. You are old enough now to understand that your grandmother has a mental illness. Her sickness makes her unable to tolerate anyone who does anything better than she does it herself. But she is your father's mother and he loves her even though she is sick. So we will be polite to her and realize that when she does mean things it is because she has a brain disease.. She likes your cousins because they never succeed at anything so she can still be better than they are.
You go ahead and do really well at everything you try and don't take it personally when grandma acts weird. We will celebrate your successes at home where it doesn't upset your grandma and her mental illness."
"My darling sister-in-law, as you know, my husband and I are quite wealthy and we will leave a lot of money to someone. We are not going to leave any money to anyone who is mean to our child,s so at this point, you and your children have been written out of our will. When you become properly polite to my husband, myself, and my children, we will think about putting you back in."
Sorry, there is nothing you can do about grandma except for you and the kids start a running joke about her and laugh at what she has done when you get home. You do not want to teach your children to be bitter or let her hurt their confidence.
Every bit of this .. so what if the so called adults take offense.. they cause the hurt let them know your kids KNOW what sort of person that adult it..
My husband tends to favor one of his grand daughters. She is the only one that reaches out to him, remembers his birthday (or even knows when it is).
The other grandkids are quick to see that he provides birthday money to them, though. One of his daughters actually called him to confirm he had sent another granddaughter her birthday money. Really?
sounds like the whole family is jealous of you and your husband's success. The grandparents are probably thinking, well i dont need to get those kids expensive gifts because their parents can do it. Then they probably buy the other kids $$ gifts because maybe their parents cant afford it. But their treatment of your kids is terrible. I would not be around them. I couldnt stand it.
Well, if you read through my other posts you'd know that my husband won't agree to not have the kids around his family. He insists on them seeing his parents and has taken them without me when I've been against it. So it's either divorce (where they'd likely see his parents much more than they do now) or the current situation.
This is the tough part IMO. I'm not in the same position but I think I would try to lean towards providing the most protection possible for my kids which at least for now, would be staying in the marriage to mitigate the damage these grandparents can do.
And I would get family counseling - not just for you and your husband, but bringing the kids too so they can get their feelings validated as they start to realize their grandparents are horrible people, and perhaps get some tools on how to handle it. Maybe your husband will remain blind to this emotional abuse but you don't need to expect your kids to.
What you are observing is when one of their children is doing much better than the others financially, and the grandparents are limited as to how much money the spend on grandparents gifts to their grandchildren, they often do more for the ones from the less financially well of family. They really do not mean the things you feel is going on, but they are trying to give some grandchildren things that they know you and your husband are doing for your children, and the other children would do without if the grand parents did not help.
Example: I spent the first 10 years after getting discharged from the navy in 1952 in the Furniture Business as a commissioned salesperson. I was earning about $125,000 to $150,000 per year. My 2 year young brother, was injured and on disability the rest of his life, due to being hit in the head by a huge moving block and tackle. He had been the head grader for a large redwood lumber mill. I was earning a lot more money than his family had. My mother was a great seamstress, and made his daughter her school clothes each year, and she was one of the best dressed girls in her class.
My mother would promise my daughter she would make her a dress, but she never did. The other girl needed a dress, so she got the one my mother was going to make for my daughter. Mom would tell my wife and I, she knew we would buy our daughter what ever she needed, and if she did not make the clothes for the other grand daughter, she would not have nothing to wear as they did not have the money to buy it. She was right of course on this. My daughter did not need anything, so she was putting her money and time helping the one that needed her help. It did hurt of course, just as you are feeling. She also did not help her two daughters children like she did my brothers children, and we had all talked about it. It was not she did not love all her grandchildren equally, but was making it a priority to help the one than really needed her help, using her limited amount of money to help anyone.
You say that you and your husband are way better off financially than the ones she is helping. His mother is prioritizing her resources, to help the most needy of her children and grandchildren. She considers your children do not need help as you and your husband are doing a good job providing for your family, so she is assisting the other grandchildren that would not have if she was not there to assist them.
I have seen many cases of this over the years, and know it hurts the successful ones, to see other grandchildren getting treated a little different. It is not she does not love your children, but she only has the ability to help the less fortunate grandchildren.
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