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Do your children know your story? Did you and your grandmother who raised you ever talk about why you lived with her and not your parents?
I agree with the person who said that you should write the whole story of your life. I'm sorry your grandmother has passed, but you might be surprised if you interviewed/talked to your parents, separately. Be honest about your feelings and ask for the same in return. You might not like what you hear but I believe it would help you to work through your feelings.
Don't wait too long. I wish I had asked questions before it was too late.
My story is not as dramatic as yours but I did find that it was easier to connect with my siblings after the parents were gone.
Write them a nice succinct letter and say that you wished your kids had grandparents too....but that would require that you had parents and the only one you had has passed away.
Wish them good day and adieu.
This ^^^^^ is great advice! I second this suggestion.
I think being rejected by your parents is awful, but I'm glad your loving grandmother was there for you. (I had to live with my horrid mother; being outsourced would have been a blessing.)
If I engage my empathy switch...
I can imagine your parents being young and frightened at the repercussions of revealing your mom's ethnicity. S.A. sounds like it was a horrible place to be black or colored, and having a dark-skinned child would most likely not only reduce social standing, but also cause problems with jobs. Your entire family (you, your parents, you father's parents and siblings) would have suffered from this. *That's a lot of pressure.* And when they visited you at your grandmother's house, they must have felt so guilty.
So, I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for your parents, I feel sorry for everyone trapped in that sh!++y situation.
And I think it's reasonable that you should protect your children from that kind of thinking, and keep them away from your racist, self-hating parents. You are a good father to make that decision, and an even better one to question it.
Have you seen/read Trevor Noah's story? It sounds similar in some ways...different but similar. He had to walk on the other side of the street then his mother. I cant even fathom the realities of Apartheid.
I don't have advice for you, I just hope you find peace. What you choose for your kids is your choice and I could see being accused of being a bad dad by a non-dad would be blood boiling. Have you ever sat down with a therapist and worked through some of those feelings? If not, I think it could help you find peace...completely independently of where your bio parents are in your life
You could take the stance that your parents were protecting you by giving you to your grandmother, but there are too many workarounds for that. Move to another country; play you off as an adopted child; live separately from each other; or even if they still gave you to your grandmother, live close to her and visit frequently at the very least, not on "special occasions". They weren't parents to you and they have no right to expect to be grandparents to your children. There were so many options.
Plus how did they reach out when apartheid ended? Did they come rushing back to you? Were they desperate to be reunited and identify you as their son to all their friends and their community? Because it doesn't sound like it.
They've had plenty of time to try to make amends, but it appears that they are doing it because they feel like they have a right to grandchildren.
My opinion? Screw 'em. Let them replace that void with something other than your children.
You are not a bad father and what a HORRID and manipulative thing your father said. You are being a cautious one for good reason and what your children deserve are grandparents who would have never done what your parents did. And really, do they actually think their grandchildren would ever trust them or like them given the way they treated you?
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
OP, I don't blame you for feeling this way ONE BIT! Your kids have what sounds like two great parents and they don't "deserve grandparents", at least not like those two. Pay your parents NO mind like they paid you NO mind. What a sad, sick thing to do to their own child.
BUT: I would hope that you tell your kids this story when they are older and they can meet your parents if they so choose in the future.
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
Oh wow, that is awful what your parents did. Thankfully, they gave you to a family member. I agree with most everyone here that you are a great father and to not let your triplets anywhere near your parents. Now your brothers, are a bit different...it wasn't their fault what happened so if you are thinking about allowing your kids to visit with your brothers, then I would agree with that but all in all, it's your decision. Thanks for sharing.
I'm waiting for some bleeding heart to come in here and tell you you're wrong and that you should bend over backwards to cater to their needs.
You've made the right choice, they are not grandparents to your kids. They're subhumans. I'd call them animals, but I like animals.
I'll be that voice, to a degree.
My mother did not have a good relationship with her parents, and consequently we children never did, either. In my situation, my father was divorced and remarried my mother, so us children were all going to hell because my parents were committing adultery. I think I met them maybe 4 times in my life. I would have liked to make a decision about them for myself, but never had the chance. My mother and I don't have a great relationship, especially since she divorced my father 6 years ago and complained that she only married him because she was pregnant with me. It still hurts me and makes me angry. However, I put that aside for my daughter. She is 9 now and loves her grandmother very much and they have a great relationship.
I don't understand what life was like back then for your parents, but it sounds like they regret their decisions. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider meeting them somewhere for lunch with your family so it's on neutral territory and you can leave if things get unpleasant. Kids are resilient - if your parents end up being racist aholes, then after you leave you can explain to the kids why you don't have a relationship with your parents. I think they will understand. And if the meeting goes well, then your kids now have a chance to form a relationship with people who love them.
ETA: It's of course ultimately your call, and you should do what you think is best.
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