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Old 08-10-2017, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
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McWick, Form a relationship with PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM???????
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcwick View Post
I'll be that voice, to a degree.

I don't understand what life was like back then for your parents, but it sounds like they regret their decisions. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider meeting them somewhere for lunch with your family so it's on neutral territory and you can leave if things get unpleasant. Kids are resilient - if your parents end up being racist aholes, then after you leave you can explain to the kids why you don't have a relationship with your parents. I think they will understand. And if the meeting goes well, then your kids now have a chance to form a relationship with people who love them.

ETA: It's of course ultimately your call, and you should do what you think is best.

It does sound somewhat that "Mother" regrets the decision.

The "father", absolutely not. You just don't bring up the bad father card then say that children "deserves grandparents". What a slap to the face. How would it not drive in that the OP wasn't deserving of (good) parents? To me, the father was only standing up for his wife's hurt feelings and her wants. The "father" IMO is a negating factor here unfortunately. It's bad enough that they never did what they could to form something of a relationship with the OP. But the self-serving "bad father" slap is too much to take in from a mere stranger.

The kids are 10yo. They shouldn't have to wait till some bad behavior show up to understand an unfortunate situation. A first "good" meeting doesn't mean much. People are good at disguising crazy, nutty behavior, why take the risk?

Last edited by Inkpoe; 08-10-2017 at 05:55 PM..
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:32 PM
 
2,002 posts, read 1,158,842 times
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Do not let them meet your kids!!! Apartheid has been over for a long time, whats their excuse. They couldve reached out to you many years ago, and didnt. If they were truly sorry, they wouldve apologized a long time ago.
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:49 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,265,092 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treasurefinder View Post
Do not let them meet your kids!!! Apartheid has been over for a long time, whats their excuse. They couldve reached out to you many years ago, and didnt. If they were truly sorry, they wouldve apologized a long time ago.
Um, yeah, I just saw that apartheid ended in 1991 (I really forgot how long ago it was). I was still in high school, and I'm FORTY now. They've had over 25 years to reach out and they're just doing it now? Um, no. Just no.

I'm pretty sure the OP is younger than me, so that means he was still a kid when it ended. They had plenty of time to swoop in and re-establish a relationship before now. Hell, social media has been connecting people globally for about a decade now, so they had the means to do it.

My feelings on this are not printable under C-D's rules of conduct.
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Old 08-10-2017, 06:02 PM
 
Location: New York NY
5,508 posts, read 8,690,875 times
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After Apartheid ended, the SA government set up a Truth and Reconciliation Commission to allow the country to move forward. If I understand correctly, that process was basically a mediated and public disclosure of all things done wrong by all sides: it was a "The Truth Shall Set You Free" type of moment that essentially let SA move forward with a minimum of racial hatred.

I wonder if something similar could salve the wounds you (and perhaps your parents) are carrying. With the help of some sort of sophisticated counseling could all involved acknowledge your clearly justified anger AND your parents shame, guilt and regrets? Could such a process take place, over time--perhaps years--and free you all of these burdensome feelings and allow you not to remain "stuck?" Basically, can what happened in South Africa on a national scale happen here on a personal one?

There would be no guarantee of a happy family reunion. None at all. OP might still decide he never wants to see his birth parents again and never wants his children to meet them. But at the very least, everyone would be better off by acknowledging the truth of the past -- to each other--so that they can fully live in the present. Knowing that your parents basically threw you away but held on to your siblings is a horrible burden to live under, and I hope that coming to terms with that, OP, does not mar your life in ways that perhaps you can't even see yet.

I have no idea how a family T& R Commission could work across oceans. But I suspect that if OP and the parents wanted it--perhaps even agreed on it just for the sake of the kids, if not for themselves--they could work out a way to make it happen. Just my two cents.
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Old 08-10-2017, 06:47 PM
 
77,713 posts, read 59,844,990 times
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I'm going to add some more comments to the OP.

My kids lost their mom when they were still fairly young. Their grandparents have been a huge HUGE part of their lives and mine and they love each other dearly. So I'm a big advocate of grandparents being involved.

However, I have friends whose parents really just don't deserve to be involved with the kids, or don't really try and they might not recognize each other passing on the street.

Since your kids are already 10, I feel the ship has sailed and the amount of pain the topic is causing you is evident.

I know a said it already in this thread, I just wanted to add my story so that when I said bid them good luck and adieu that i don't say that flippantly or lightly or from the vantage of someone that doesn't appreciate what a great relationship can be had with grandparents. My late wife and I also had great relations with our grandparents...our kids are named after them.
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Old 08-10-2017, 07:04 PM
 
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OP, when your white looking brothers have kids with white wives, and these kids look even whiter, whiter than your kids since you said some of yours don't look white, your parents may instinctively show a preference for their light skinned grand kids, like they did when they showed a preference for your brothers. This stuff will perpetuate and be passed down to the new generations in your family, unless you put a stop to it. You are being a good son by meeting with them & still maintaining a relationship with them however you are under no obligation to give them access to your kids. And cries and tears will not affect the situation which they have created when they chose to abandon their own flesh and blood.
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Old 08-10-2017, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,578 posts, read 5,619,715 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by richterman View Post
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
Too bad, so sad. The triplets deserve grandparents? That is the most breathtakingly selfish comment I hve heard in a while. Well, guess what -- his SON deserved a FATHER far more than his grandchildren need grandparents, but he went and screwed that up, so no, he doesn't get a do-over. Tough noogies.

You are not being a bad father. You are being a careful, cautious and loving father in spite of the ****-poor example of your own father's version of "fatherhood."
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Old 08-10-2017, 07:44 PM
 
184 posts, read 142,785 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arwenmark View Post
McWick, Form a relationship with PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM???????
Yes, I said that is the best possible scenario. I stand by that. Unless he actually let's them meet, we are all just guessing how it will go. I did also point out that it might not go well, at which point he could explain to his kids why their grandparents are not part of their life. I think at their age they would understand.

Ultimately it's his call, and I can understand why he would not want to. I was just sharing my perspective as someone who was not allowed to know her grandparents. I also shared my perspective as a parent with a fractitious relationship with my mother who put that aside so my daughter could have a relationship. My situation is not identical by any means, but I thought it might be helpful for him to hear from someone who has had to make similar decisions, both as a grandchild and as a parent.

Whatever he decides, I wish him and his family well.
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Old 08-10-2017, 07:49 PM
 
35,512 posts, read 17,684,673 times
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I'm curious, because I really don't know all that much about South Africa and apartheid.

What would your parents have had to give up to keep you in the home? In some eras in history, babies were sometimes smothered to death because their presence would cause such harm to the family. (In cases where the birth mother would forever be rejected by society for having an out of wedlock baby, and in cases where the family has to remain silent and hidden as in the case of Jews hiding in attics while the house is being searches by Nazis, or when the presence of one more mouth to feed would cause the existing children to possible starve to death, for examples).

Society can be brutally cruel. Do you know, specifically, what your parents would have had to give up if they kept and raised you instead of giving you over to a loving grandmother?

I think you're right in rejecting them from your children's lives. But I also think you might have more peace about what happened to you if you maybe understood what they would have had to sacrifice if they raised you.

Best wishes with moving on, and raising your beloved triplets.
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