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Regarding the bolded, I have boundaries in that he knows I don't want his stuff in my house or him smoking in my house. When I find evidence that he still does these things, at least on occasion, and call him out on it, he lies or straight up acts like I am over-reacting. So he routinely crosses that boundary and I haven't yet done anything other than lecturing, and that is where the real issue is I guess. I think taking that next step scares me, because what else can I do about him breaking the rules but kick him out? I feel justified but also horrible at the same time. Plus I think he will be a downright a$$hole about it when it comes right down to it.
Even though he would try, do you think there is any reason I need to cater to him more than I have already simply because he has some anxiety issues that he is trying to work on? Speaking of, he missed his 3rd apt this morning - slept right through it. Guess who is going to get a bill now from the therapist?
You are stuck because you chooses to be stuck so change what needs changed or stop complaining about a situation you are encouraging, enabling and not willing to change.
Your son is a drug addict, and a leech. It's a little late to start being a parent, but better late than never. Is there anyone, a friend or a relative, who can give you emotional support as you lay down the law?
You need to explain to your son that he is 18, and that if he wants to continue to live in your house, he has to get clean, and get a job. No more drugs at all, and you will drug test him on an intermittent basis with no warning. If he doesn't like it, he can move out, right away.
I could write a book on this and probably should. My 2 boys started in high school with the marijuana and then progressed.
I can't write everything here and it won't help you anyway. Dealing with this was the biggest challenge of my life. The stress and heartbreak was something that I never want to go through again. I feel for anyone that has to go through this. You can do all the right things as they are growing up sports, activities etc but it doesn't seem to matter. If they start hanging out with the wrong friends this is where the problems start.
Everyone is going to tell you how to deal with this for your son. All these tactics and rules and boundaries that you should set. The problem is that "there is no book written for your son" because everyone is different and have to be handled differently. Believe me I tried all these suggestions went to psychologists etc. Nothing worked. The most popular one is to kick him out of the house. Well that is not that easy to do with someone you love.
Your son has to want to stop and get on with his life. No one is going to force him to do this. I just tried to keep them in line and get them through high school. Things just played out and they finally realized after a certain amount of time that this is not working. Now they are both working and going to college and doing fine.
What are you providing for him, other than a roof over his head? Whatever you are providing, stop. Dont make life easy on him. Does he play on the computer? Cut out your internet service. Do you have his favorite food in the kitchen? Stop buying it. He only works one day a week, but can afford to smoke pot every single day? And drive his car? And buy insurance? It cant be.
I dont know the car situation, did he pay for it? Are you paying for anything pertaining to his car? If so, stop it.
He's doing what you are letting him do. HE doesnt want to go move in with his dad? Well guess what. Its not up to him. When you pay bills, then you get to decide where you live. When you dont, then you get to go where someone is willing to put you up.
This wont get any better until you do something about it. You cant tell him he has to pay rent, he just wont. You can't tell him to get a job, he just wont. You have to hit him where it hurts. Stop providing for him. For anything.
Your son is a drug addict, and a leech. It's a little late to start being a parent, but better late than never. Is there anyone, a friend or a relative, who can give you emotional support as you lay down the law?
You need to explain to your son that he is 18, and that if he wants to continue to live in your house, he has to get clean, and get a job. No more drugs at all, and you will drug test him on an intermittent basis with no warning. If he doesn't like it, he can move out, right away.
It's interesting to me how easily THIS line is thrown around. AS IF I didn't parent him at all before this and am only just now deciding to step it up and lay down some rules. If I was such a lazy parent, why do I care about any of this?
I could write a book on this and probably should. My 2 boys started in high school with the marijuana and then progressed.
I can't write everything here and it won't help you anyway. Dealing with this was the biggest challenge of my life. The stress and heartbreak was something that I never want to go through again. I feel for anyone that has to go through this. You can do all the right things as they are growing up sports, activities etc but it doesn't seem to matter. If they start hanging out with the wrong friends this is where the problems start.
Everyone is going to tell you how to deal with this for your son. All these tactics and rules and boundaries that you should set. The problem is that "there is no book written for your son" because everyone is different and have to be handled differently. Believe me I tried all these suggestions went to psychologists etc. Nothing worked. The most popular one is to kick him out of the house. Well that is not that easy to do with someone you love.
Your son has to want to stop and get on with his life. No one is going to force him to do this. I just tried to keep them in line and get them through high school. Things just played out and they finally realized after a certain amount of time that this is not working. Now they are both working and going to college and doing fine.
Great post, I don't know why sons are born like me, we give our family hell, sorry.
Maybe you should write a book, but you couldn't be more correct, nobody can tell a parent cause it is always different.
Who's the parent? You are so act like it! You've enabled him and allowed him to act this way. You need to use some tough love and put your foot down and mean it. Have respect for yourself....he clearly has none.
He's 18 which makes him an adult. He's not in high school anymore. He needs to grow up. You need to set up rules and boundaries in writing and have him agree to them. If he breaks ANY rule, then he's served with a 30 day notice of eviction. And FOLLOW THROUGH on the eviction! He can get a job...who cares if he's cleaning toilets or shoveling cow manure? Those are jobs. If he doesn't like it, too damn bad. And if he's not a full time student, then he needs a full time job and to pay his bills including rent, car insurance, phone, doctor's visits, etc. Magically he finds money for pot, then he can pay for his way in life. Stop enabling the punk!
Who's the parent? You are so act like it! You've enabled him and allowed him to act this way. You need to use some tough love and put your foot down and mean it. Have respect for yourself....he clearly has none.
He's 18 which makes him an adult. He's not in high school anymore. He needs to grow up. You need to set up rules and boundaries in writing and have him agree to them. If he breaks ANY rule, then he's served with a 30 day notice of eviction. And FOLLOW THROUGH on the eviction! He can get a job...who cares if he's cleaning toilets or shoveling cow manure? Those are jobs. If he doesn't like it, too damn bad. And if he's not a full time student, then he needs a full time job and to pay his bills including rent, car insurance, phone, doctor's visits, etc. Magically he finds money for pot, then he can pay for his way in life. Stop enabling the punk!
Why would you think it was that simple? We don't know anything about this kid.
You take a kid who has really good parents that go to work each day, and by some very bad luck, the kid begins to get sexually abused many, times before he is ten years old. It doesn't mean the parent is at fault, things just happen and usually the parent isn't going to know anything about it until the kid maybe gets 25 or 30. The kid begins living in a world all to himself with horrors that you can't even get your mind around. The kid was drugged and abused so he would be in a fog and it soon becomes a crutch to escape the horror he cannot escape. He uses weed or alcohol in a prison of torture and pain because he can't tell anybody, and nobody would understand.
God forbid that such a thing happened to this kid, but imagine the betrayal that child would feel when he's 20 or 25 and he still has these overwhelming memories and secrets that keep him crying in his room alone every night, and who do you suppose he is angry with?
The people that abused him?
No.
He's angry with his mama because she couldn't be there every second of the day to protect him and he can't even tell her about it, and now she is against him, and this is double the damage.
And then when his parents take away the only thing keeping him going, and then they throw him out of the house because they couldn't possibly understand, he would feel like he should take a gun and kill himself.
Just saying, we don't know anything about this kid and why he has this problem, just to advise tough love could be the worst thing imaginable.
Why would you think it was that simple? We don't know anything about this kid.
You take a kid who has really good parents that go to work each day, and by some very bad luck, the kid begins to get sexually abused many, times before he is ten years old. It doesn't mean the parent is at fault, things just happen and usually the parent isn't going to know anything about it until the kid maybe gets 25 or 30. The kid begins living in a world all to himself with horrors that you can't even get your mind around. The kid was drugged and abused so he would be in a fog and it soon becomes a crutch to escape the horror he cannot escape. He uses weed or alcohol in a prison of torture and pain because he can't tell anybody, and nobody would understand.
God forbid that such a thing happened to this kid, but imagine the betrayal that child would feel when he's 20 or 25 and he still has these overwhelming memories and secrets that keep him crying in his room alone every night, and who do you suppose he is angry with?
The people that abused him?
No.
He's angry with his mama because she couldn't be there every second of the day to protect him and he can't even tell her about it, and now she is against him, and this is double the damage.
And then when his parents take away the only thing keeping him going, and then they throw him out of the house because they couldn't possibly understand, he would feel like he should take a gun and kill himself.
Just saying, we don't know anything about this kid and why he has this problem, just to advise tough love could be the worst thing imaginable.
Oh please! You are TOTALLY making things up! This kid is a pot head loser because he's been allowed to be. He's an adult and needs to act like it.
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