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Sorry to be blunt, but you're enabling them. It's your fault that you are in this situation. Cut them off financially, separate your names from theirs on any debt and bills, and don't help them out anymore.
I'll tell you why. It's because of fear. Enabling, in fact, ISN'T so bad always. We tend to say oh that's terrible for them - kick them out, it will do them good - but ask parents of adult offspring who committed suicide, died alone as a homeless person, disappeared God knows where as a result of prostitution or drug dealing, and then ask again - how bad is being a soft cushion for your adult son or daughter really? How bad is it to keep supporting your young adult son or daughter if they apparently are incapable of doing it for themselves at this point?
Sometimes, the people you love the very most in the entire world don't seem to be able to launch.
The parent fears if they don't rescue them they'll become homeless and die alone on the streets. And that's not an irrational fear.
That's why parents enable their adult sons and daughters. "Tough love" has ended in deaths. And to those who say well you can't spend your life supporting your kids, yes you can. Especially if they're still young and they aren't murderers or otherwise evil. Yes, you can still be there for them.
Obviously, if this were an acquaintance demanding your support you'd cut them off by the end of the next business day.
But it's not. It's your son or daughter, who is your life's treasure.
If they make the same mistakes over and over again, there are problems that enabling only exacerbates. At some point, a good parent should be able to say, "I've done my job, go be a happy, productive member of society."
Why should parents continually bail out and support non-productive kids instead of enjoying their lives and saving their money for retirement?
If a kid has a mental health issue, get them help for it instead of enabling an unhealthy lifestyle that continues to fuel the illness. A parent should not be blamed for an adult child's suicide or any other decision that their adult child makes.
If a kid winds up homeless, or a prostitute, or dying alone on the streets, I would think that the parents made more mistakes along the way than just enabling. Parents have to teach their kids about right and wrong. They have to monitor their kids activities and make sure they stay away from the wrong crowd and bad influences. They have to model good adult behavior.
I think enabling their kids must be easier for a lot of people.
I'll tell you why. It's because of fear. Enabling, in fact, ISN'T so bad always. We tend to say oh that's terrible for them - kick them out, it will do them good - but ask parents of adult offspring who committed suicide, died alone as a homeless person, disappeared God knows where as a result of prostitution or drug dealing, and then ask again - how bad is being a soft cushion for your adult son or daughter really? How bad is it to keep supporting your young adult son or daughter if they apparently are incapable of doing it for themselves at this point?
Sometimes, the people you love the very most in the entire world don't seem to be able to launch.
The parent fears if they don't rescue them they'll become homeless and die alone on the streets. And that's not an irrational fear.
That's why parents enable their adult sons and daughters. "Tough love" has ended in deaths. And to those who say well you can't spend your life supporting your kids, yes you can. Especially if they're still young and they aren't murderers or otherwise evil. Yes, you can still be there for them.
Obviously, if this were an acquaintance demanding your support you'd cut them off by the end of the next business day.
But it's not. It's your son or daughter, who is your life's treasure.
I would never knowingly let one of my kids become homeless, e.g. I would always allow them to live in my house. Now if they chose to live homeless, despite my offering them a place to live, that'd be their choice. Beyond that, I don't know how much help I'd give. I'll cross that bridge when/if I come to it.
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