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Old 03-14-2008, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Suburban Buffalo N.Y.
3 posts, read 16,114 times
Reputation: 16

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My wife and I are closing in on 50, have 2 adult males who have moved back in with us and brought back debt and frustration to our lives after 6 years of freedom. I know --- we enable them to take advantage of us, however this is much more complicated than you might think, the whole mess started when we (with good intentions set them up with a very affordable housing arrangement with the end result that they will own the house within 10 years of purchase) actually sooner; Unfortunately this good deal has our names on the top of the documents along with all of the other utility bills which they have routinely neglected to pay, we have since cut the utilities off, however the house is still a problem, both are able bodied 20 somethings with very little ambition, I honestly don't understand what happened, my wife and I both work very hard and are extermely responsible. I have attempted to set goals that are attainable with very little success and even some friction, I am at a loss as to how to encourage them to become responsible for their own lives, we have tried several different approaches that quite frankly have been unsuccessfull, I do get very frustrated with this situation. I have a lot of sweat equity in their house and they only owe about $6 thousand on it, so it seems unreasonable to just sell the house and be rid of the whole headache. This house will provide them with either a cheap living arrangement or 10's of thousands in their pockets or equity when it is paid off, one of them does not see the advantages in the long term, the other one is more responsible and is willing to stick it out. Both however have not displayed the necessary responsibility to see this through. Any suggestions? I am desperate, it is very difficult trying to reason with them.
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Old 03-14-2008, 06:39 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,341,822 times
Reputation: 848
I don't have grown children, so I can't speak from my own experience, but after watching my in-laws enable, coddle, make excuses for, bail out, etc. their 37 year old son for the past 17 years (longer I'm sure, but I've only known them that long), you better find a way to figure it out before they add wives and kids to the mix. Good luck.
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Old 03-14-2008, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
20,014 posts, read 20,509,618 times
Reputation: 20369
I also have 2 adult sons. One has just move back with me, but it is as much to my advantage. It can be very frustrating doing all you can to help them secure a nice future and watch them **** it away. I have found the more you do for them the less responsible they become. As hard as it is sometimes you have to turn your back and let them figure it out for themselves even if they sink. Kick them out and get a good renter in the house until its paid off.
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Old 03-14-2008, 06:56 AM
 
Location: Oz
2,238 posts, read 8,696,279 times
Reputation: 1368
Sorry to be blunt, but you're enabling them. It's your fault that you are in this situation. Cut them off financially, separate your names from theirs on any debt and bills, and don't help them out anymore.
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:09 AM
 
6,585 posts, read 22,381,409 times
Reputation: 3170
I think as long as a person has it in the back of his mind that someone else will support him, give him money, buy him things, bail them out, make the big payments, then there is no motivation for that person to be self-sufficient. You have to take away the safety net as long as no one is disabled or ill.
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Old 03-14-2008, 09:08 AM
 
151 posts, read 637,443 times
Reputation: 94
I recommend watching the nature channel, it may reinforce how other mammals are able to allow their off-spring to join the animal kingdom, cut them from the herd.
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Old 03-14-2008, 09:57 AM
 
542 posts, read 1,508,110 times
Reputation: 303
Well, here's my take. Parents often think they are helping but they really aren't. Grown adults need to understand the natural consequences of their actions and decisions. That won't happen if they have a cushion to consistently fall on. If it were me, I would sell the house and give them notice of when they need to be out of my house and find their own place. No parent likes to see their children face the realities of not following through on responsibilities (bad credit, etc) but until they do, many won't learn how to be responsible. They need to experience first hand what happens when they make the decisions they do.
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Old 03-16-2008, 02:03 PM
 
2,134 posts, read 3,411,011 times
Reputation: 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by vukinjo View Post
Well, here's my take. Parents often think they are helping but they really aren't. Grown adults need to understand the natural consequences of their actions and decisions. That won't happen if they have a cushion to consistently fall on. If it were me, I would sell the house and give them notice of when they need to be out of my house and find their own place. No parent likes to see their children face the realities of not following through on responsibilities (bad credit, etc) but until they do, many won't learn how to be responsible. They need to experience first hand what happens when they make the decisions they do.
I agree with the above 100%. I think you know you need to do this, but find it painful because you wanted to help your kids and you saw what a wonderful opportunity they had and now have BLOWN.

You don't have to be mean or cruel about it. Just sit them down and have a family meeting. Have everything thought out before hand and explain that it has not worked out like any of you thought it would and that logically the house must be sold to free you from it. No hard feelings, don't get emotional (try not to), if they start acting like victims, don't get sucked in, don't get mad, just say what steps are going to happen. Have definite dates, etc. Make it realistic so they can plan on where they will be going.

Get your wifes input and figure this out together before the meeting. Make sure you guys agree 100% and show a united front. Be loving but do not back down. Stick to your plan and move ahead.

It will be the best gift to give to these kids in the long run. Your relationship will be saved the resentment, etc. of seeing them continue to not live up to their end of your generous agreement. They will have to grow up and save to get a house in the future. They will really appreciate that house, I bet....and pay their bills on time.

Good luck, you sound like a very nice father.
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Old 03-17-2008, 04:11 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 52,363,417 times
Reputation: 10471
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoaminRed View Post
Sorry to be blunt, but you're enabling them. It's your fault that you are in this situation. Cut them off financially, separate your names from theirs on any debt and bills, and don't help them out anymore.

I agree. Kick them out of the house, no money from you. MAKE them take responsibility for themselves by cutting off support from mom/dad. It is hard but it is really the only way. We are going to see more and more of this as the 'me' generation ages--the kids that are in their teen's and twenties now that have never been responsible for anything.
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Old 03-17-2008, 01:07 PM
 
Location: New Port Richey
118 posts, read 577,786 times
Reputation: 161
the best thing my mom...who I don't get along with...did was kick me out at 21. For 9months of my life, I stayed in a homeless shelter, while working at Wendy's. The shelter had strict rules to live by..like 10pm curfew EVERY NIGHT. But I saved my money and got a place to live. Not only was it a learning experience for me, but I also go on in life knowing if I fall flat on my face again (i'm sure I will) ..then I know I can do it. i'm 29 now btw. It just so happens my bestfriend is a guy, 38, living with his parents while going to school, to get his..third degree.
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