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If she's not doing her share of shores, etc, then she's not entitled to furniture. Take away her bed, her dresser, her chairs, etc. Pile her clothes on the floor. Buy a thin piece of foam to use as a sleeping pad, with no pillows or sheets(she can wear clothes and use other clothes as a pillow). Limit her food to cereal and tuna straight out of the can, and water to drink. She's over 18, and you don't owe her a thing if she doesn't follow your rules.
I agree with this. If her friends and your extended family think it's so horrible, then maybe they'll take her in. Since they don't want a lazy loafer around any more than you do, though, this is not likely to work out for her. Also, her rent was covering a private bedroom with a door, I assume? Since she's not paying, the door can come off. Or stick her in the den and turn her room into something else. Basically, make her choices 1. Follow the rules, 2. Don't follow the rules and live a spartan existence at home, 3. Move out. If she comes around and wants to play by the rules, don't reinstate privileges until she pays back the money you advanced her as well as the month's rent I'm assuming she didn't pay.
Where did she live before when she moved out? Is there an option for her to return to that scenario?
Yes this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815
Sounds like my Narcissist mom. At 18, she didnt care if you had a plan, money, or a place to go, you were OUT and not coming back come hell or high water. PS- my parents paid for NOTHING. New clothes? Car? Insurance? phone? Get a job or go without. I started working at 14.
If charging yours rent and having ground rules works, then keep at it. I dont hate my mom for it. I think it just made her a bit more heartless than she already was.
No, it sounds nothing at all like what you describe.
Before I start, I want to say we haven't heard back from the OP, if she's taking this all in or what.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifter
My husband and I have four kids, aged 12, 16, 19 & 21. Both the older kids moved out at 18, and back pretty soon after. The deal for all the kids is once you're 18 you can go to school full time and pay no rent, go to school part time and pay half rent, or work and pay "full rent." Full rent is $400 per month with $200 going towards household bills and $200 going into a savings account that they can access for purchasing a car or when they move out as a down payment. Their $200 share of the bills covers everything, food, rent, cable, WiFi, cell phone bill, Etc. About a month ago we had a blow up with our 19 yo daughter where she said she hated living at the house and wanted to move out. We agreed that it would be a good idea because there had been so much static with her not wanting to pay anything or do the one chore a day that we ask of everyone (chores rotate but include tidying up the living room, taking out the trash, doing dishes). We gave her a month to find a place to live and get moved, we returned the small amount of money she had saved up to her. For the last month she did nothing around the house and now the first rolls around in a couple of days and she has no plans to leave. It is creating so much friction around the home. She thinks we are being tyrants by charging her rent and asking her to do a chore when she is an adult. But her 21 year old brother has saved up $3,800 by living here the past couple of years and he never had a problem. It doesn't seem fair to him for her to not have to live by the same rules, and I don't want to set a bad precedent for the younger boys. She says that all of her friends live for free and that all of our family members think we are horrible people for threatening to kick her out. What advice would you give me? I am aware that I can go through an eviction process, but that is really the last resort. We really don't want to destroy the relationship if it can be helped.
Situations like this are one reason I don't like plans like the bold. They sound great, but they do require the cooperation of both parties. And you really can't get blood out of a turnip. For some of the rest of you, it's hard to get grown adults to do chores they don't want to do. I'm surprised she's paying her "rent". Also, those of you who are saying the equivalent of "throw her out" have most probably not been in that situation. It's not as easy as it sounds. BTDT.
I think I'd recommend dealing with this situation, and forgetting about "fairness" to the older brother, and precedent for the younger two. Remember that fair doesn't always mean the same. I would suggest telling her what you tell a young child, that you don't care what other parents are doing. Some parents charge their kids rent, some don't. Most that I've known who've had adult kids living with them did not charge. Ditto for the extended family, tell her you don't care what they think. You might have a talk with these extended people to see if she's telling you the truth. I would certainly not proceed with eviction.
I suspended my daughters phone service till she started working and paying me what she owed each month. She paid rent, car insurance, phone and her gas. When she quit working and refused to look she then ran out of gas and insurance and couldn't drive anyway. However, her friends picked her up and life went on as normal for her(minus the phone.) All of her friends thought we were so mean...
She eventually moved in with a boyfriend several states away and mooched of his family for year or two. They didn't care!
I think you're giving them a sweet deal and if she doesn't want to see how good it really is than kick her out. Most likely she'll be back soon after when she see's how hard life really is!
The OP is presenting a situation that should have been addressed years before. These things don't "suddenly" happen. They are the result of many years of parenting mistakes.
But you are here, and this is now. Obviously, something went wrong along the way. You can't un-do it. The number one issue is, does she have sufficient income to afford a place to live? If she does not, all this is hot air. I suspect this is the case, or she would be living on her own by now.
Suck it up, OP. You have to deal with the consequences of what you raised. Your best bet at this point is to help her find decent-paying work. You should have raised all your kids to expect to complete college or some type of vocational training. Without that, none of them have any future.
And yes, you should well give some thought to the grandchildren this daughter will produce in the future. As in, do you ever want to see her or them in the future?
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