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I would tell her okay fine, and then proceed (like others have suggested here), to dismantle her room: removing the door, clearing out the furniture and providing a sleeping bag, no cell phone, tv or internet for her (and no she cannot use the landline phone if you have one). If you provide dinner for yourself and the rest of the family, I would include minimal canned goods, cup o' noodles and water bottles for her groceries. I would give her a bus pass though since she would no longer be welcome to use the family car, and I would help her prepare a resume or fill out a college application. I would sit her down (with my husband) and explain the new grounds rules to her pleasantly and calmly. I would let the two younger boys know that these policies go for everyone who is not willing to do their share of chores around the house and/or pay rent when the time comes.
The OP is presenting a situation that should have been addressed years before. These things don't "suddenly" happen. They are the result of many years of parenting mistakes.
But you are here, and this is now. Obviously, something went wrong along the way. You can't un-do it. The number one issue is, does she have sufficient income to afford a place to live? If she does not, all this is hot air. I suspect this is the case, or she would be living on her own by now.
Suck it up, OP. You have to deal with the consequences of what you raised. Your best bet at this point is to help her find decent-paying work. You should have raised all your kids to expect to complete college or some type of vocational training. Without that, none of them have any future.
And yes, you should well give some thought to the grandchildren this daughter will produce in the future. As in, do you ever want to see her or them in the future?
IMO anyone who lives at home should put the idea of having kids on the back burner. If one can't support themselves they have no business bringing new people into the world, which, more than likely, we all will be supporting though governmental aid via our taxes.
I know it's "trendy" and celebrated to have oopsies (and seconds, and thirds) out of wedlock today, but come on.
The OP is presenting a situation that should have been addressed years before. These things don't "suddenly" happen. They are the result of many years of parenting mistakes.
But you are here, and this is now. Obviously, something went wrong along the way. You can't un-do it. The number one issue is, does she have sufficient income to afford a place to live? If she does not, all this is hot air. I suspect this is the case, or she would be living on her own by now.
Suck it up, OP. You have to deal with the consequences of what you raised. Your best bet at this point is to help her find decent-paying work. You should have raised all your kids to expect to complete college or some type of vocational training. Without that, none of them have any future.
And yes, you should well give some thought to the grandchildren this daughter will produce in the future. As in, do you ever want to see her or them in the future?
I hate when the failures of the offspring get dumped in the lap of the parents. This girl's older brother got the message. The OP presented three very reasonable options. Daughter freely chose #4. Let her live with the consequences, no guilt for the parents.
I think the focus should be on a long term goal so when she leaves, she stays gone. If she's 21 and has no plans for the future, then you can look forward to years of drama from her. You can kick her out but she will be back promising everything and will go back to the same ole. Figure out how to get her gone for good.
Eta is the main thing the chores? Charge her more rent in lieu of that. Then ask your son if he wants the same deal or if he wants to make an extra $200/month doing her chore.
I hate when the failures of the offspring get dumped in the lap of the parents. This girl's older brother got the message. The OP presented three very reasonable options. Daughter freely chose #4. Let her live with the consequences, no guilt for the parents.
You beat me to it. Not everything a kid does "wrong" is the parents' fault. Kids do have their own personalities, they're not blank slates.
My husband and I have four kids, aged 12, 16, 19 & 21. Both the older kids moved out at 18, and back pretty soon after. The deal for all the kids is once you're 18 you can go to school full time and pay no rent, go to school part time and pay half rent, or work and pay "full rent." Full rent is $400 per month with $200 going towards household bills and $200 going into a savings account that they can access for purchasing a car or when they move out as a down payment. Their $200 share of the bills covers everything, food, rent, cable, WiFi, cell phone bill, Etc. About a month ago we had a blow up with our 19 yo daughter where she said she hated living at the house and wanted to move out. We agreed that it would be a good idea because there had been so much static with her not wanting to pay anything or do the one chore a day that we ask of everyone (chores rotate but include tidying up the living room, taking out the trash, doing dishes). We gave her a month to find a place to live and get moved, we returned the small amount of money she had saved up to her. For the last month she did nothing around the house and now the first rolls around in a couple of days and she has no plans to leave. It is creating so much friction around the home. She thinks we are being tyrants by charging her rent and asking her to do a chore when she is an adult. But her 21 year old brother has saved up $3,800 by living here the past couple of years and he never had a problem. It doesn't seem fair to him for her to not have to live by the same rules, and I don't want to set a bad precedent for the younger boys. She says that all of her friends live for free and that all of our family members think we are horrible people for threatening to kick her out. What advice would you give me? I am aware that I can go through an eviction process, but that is really the last resort. We really don't want to destroy the relationship if it can be helped.
My parents did the same thing to me when I came back for a bit after college. They made me pay rent while I was working and I was looking for a place to buy. I think mine was $400 too, but this was 20 years ago, so I think I got a worse deal!
Looking back on it now that I'm in my 40's... They did the right thing. It was motivation to me to work hard, save up, and move out and buy my own place. I did so, and I ended up making a killing when I sold that condo a few years later.
I think you should reach out to your oldest son... he obviously gets it. Perhaps he can reason with his sister and make her see the light if your words/actions are not having any effect. It's clearly not your parenting that is the problem here.
You beat me to it. Not everything a kid does "wrong" is the parents' fault. Kids do have their own personalities, they're not blank slates.
True not everything is the parents fault.
But sometimes it is.
My sister raised a brat. When this brat acted up the usual punishment was shopping. Seriously. Like the one time they visited us and we flew to Vegas for vacation (brat was 17 at that time). Turned out the brat gave the house keys to her teenage friends and they trashed the place. Police (my sister lives in Europe) called my sister on the cell phone that neighbors complained and that the house was trashed.
After a short argument in the hotel room my sister felt so bad for yelling at her that they went shopping to Louis Vuitton.
Brat is now 21 with no education and just hanging around arguing with her step father. My sister just bought her a BMW. I have no clue how that brat is ever going to become a well adjusted adult with that upbringing.
You have to be gritty and tough early on because it's much harder to ratchet things up once kids get older. My litmus test has always been to watch how kids interact with their parents. I almost never "sassed" my mom once I got to middle school. There's a certain 'spare the rod, spoil the child' mentality you need to have from the time kids are young so that they see consistency. Teenagers don't suddenly turn crazy. It's usually a certain degree of permissiveness that's allowed and goes unchecked. A 10-year old may not take full advantage but a teen will if given the chance. Some kids are 'Type-A' self-starters that instinctively do what needs to get done but other kids need a firmer hand.
If the 19-year old wants to act like a child, they should be treated as such. You can kick them out...or remove any creature comforts that they don't pay for and take for granted. At that age, people want to be treated as adults but don't always want to accept the responsibility that comes with such a transition.
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