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My son is grounded for two weeks. This is still the first week. He should not be seeing anyone outside of school. And even if he wasn't grounded he isn't meant to be alone with that child especially after I know what they've been up to!
No, he just thinks his own rules are more important. He was playing with my daughter and couldn't even tell me where his eldest was. He just is not as invested and I'm alone in trying to maintain any order.
You and your husband need to learn to parent together as a unit. I hope he is grounded for lying and breaking the rules and not for having sex because that was never going to happen. Your son has now had sex he's not going to be satisfied holding hands ever again. That ship has sailed!! That being said he can't be allowed to just break the house rules with no consequences, Good Luck you have a challenge ahead of you.
OP, have you considered telling your son the truth of the situation, as you understand it? Tell him that you understand that he wants to have typical teenage dating/"falling in love" experiences, but the other boy has been sexually abused and has emotional needs that your son is not equipped to meet, and for that reason, the friendship (or whatever it is) is unhealthy for both of them, and has to end. Then, takes steps to limit the boys' access to one another, including telling the grandparents your position. Your son is not old enough to drive, so you still have a lot of control over where he goes and when, so use it. Since they don't attend the same school, it should be even easier. I don't understand why you are dancing around this as if you have no power as a parent to extricate your son from a harmful attachment.
The other boy should be receiving help to heal his psychic wounds. Sad to say, but kids with his history who don't get help are the ones likely to end up on the street as teens, turning tricks with dirty old men. Since you are part of the same church community as his family, perhaps you could speak to your priest/pastor/minister about what kind of support might be available to help the child and his obviously clueless grandparents.
OP, have you considered telling your son the truth of the situation, as you understand it? Tell him that you understand that he wants to have typical teenage dating/"falling in love" experiences, but the other boy has been sexually abused and has emotional needs that your son is not equipped to meet, and for that reason, the friendship (or whatever it is) is unhealthy for both of them, and has to end. Then, takes steps to limit the boys' access to one another, including telling the grandparents your position. Your son is not old enough to drive, so you still have a lot of control over where he goes and when, so use it. Since they don't attend the same school, it should be even easier. I don't understand why you are dancing around this as if you have no power as a parent to extricate your son from a harmful attachment.
The other boy should be receiving help to heal his psychic wounds. Sad to say, but kids with his history who don't get help are the ones likely to end up on the street as teens, turning tricks with dirty old men. Since you are part of the same church community as his family, perhaps you could speak to your priest/pastor/minister about what kind of support might be available to help the child and his obviously clueless grandparents.
He's had a counselling session already and clearly no improvement.
My son knows the other boy was abused. Not at first but he knows now. No doubt partly due to the other child's manipulation he shows strong protectiveness towards him. Disturbingly to me he's showing possessive controlling behaviour. I don't like the other boy and it may be sad karma for him but he's brought out the worst in my son.
The grounding was meant to limit his interaction with the other boy as an added bonus. The boys grandparents were supportive of this. And I don't have full control of my son. He may not drive but we live in an area with good public transport and he cycles. We do not live too far apart from the other family.
I did initially,as my thread probably shows, think the grandparents were just indulgent and clueless but I'm learning more. They are less tolerant of the relationship after the "lovers quarrel" where my son displayed his worst characteristics the grandfather told us that he doesn't want our son to visit their house "for the foreseeable future" either. And now I've told them what happened today - we are still waiting for them to collect their son... I may have two more people on side.
I may sound dismissive but I think it unlikely that would ever happen to him. His family is affluent and able to cover up most mistakes - case in point their daughter. And even she is doing well now despite a teenage pregnancy. Married a wealthy man, worked in banking. Another child maybe but not him.
He's had a counselling session already and clearly no improvement.
My son knows the other boy was abused. Not at first but he knows now. No doubt partly due to the other child's manipulation he shows strong protectiveness towards him. Disturbingly to me he's showing possessive controlling behaviour. I don't like the other boy and it may be sad karma for him but he's brought out the worst in my son.
You want to blame this kid for your boy's creepy behaviour? Controlling how? What is he doing? Seriously the more you say about this the more I think you need to speak to your son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten
The grounding was meant to limit his interaction with the other boy as an added bonus. The boys grandparents were supportive of this. And I don't have full control of my son. He may not drive but we live in an area with good public transport and he cycles. We do not live too far apart from the other family.
I did initially,as my thread probably shows, think the grandparents were just indulgent and clueless but I'm learning more. They are less tolerant of the relationship after the "lovers quarrel" where my son displayed his worst characteristics the grandfather told us that he doesn't want our son to visit their house "for the foreseeable future" either. And now I've told them what happened today - we are still waiting for them to collect their son... I may have two more people on side.
I may sound dismissive but I think it unlikely that would ever happen to him. His family is affluent and able to cover up most mistakes - case in point their daughter. And even she is doing well now despite a teenage pregnancy. Married a wealthy man, worked in banking. Another child maybe but not him.
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Wealth helps but many wealthy kids are disturbed. I would not be sure he'll be just fine.
And seriously, if your son has hurt him you should find out.
Why would really lenient grandparents suddenly not want your son anywhere near him?
There are more ways than rape to hurt a person... just saying.
He's had a counselling session already and clearly no improvement.
My son knows the other boy was abused. Not at first but he knows now. No doubt partly due to the other child's manipulation he shows strong protectiveness towards him. Disturbingly to me he's showing possessive controlling behaviour. I don't like the other boy and it may be sad karma for him but he's brought out the worst in my son.
The grounding was meant to limit his interaction with the other boy as an added bonus. The boys grandparents were supportive of this. And I don't have full control of my son. He may not drive but we live in an area with good public transport and he cycles. We do not live too far apart from the other family.
I did initially,as my thread probably shows, think the grandparents were just indulgent and clueless but I'm learning more. They are less tolerant of the relationship after the "lovers quarrel" where my son displayed his worst characteristics the grandfather told us that he doesn't want our son to visit their house "for the foreseeable future" either. And now I've told them what happened today - we are still waiting for them to collect their son... I may have two more people on side.
I may sound dismissive but I think it unlikely that would ever happen to him. His family is affluent and able to cover up most mistakes - case in point their daughter. And even she is doing well now despite a teenage pregnancy. Married a wealthy man, worked in banking. Another child maybe but not him.
One counseling session isn't going to change anything. Counseling takes time. He also has to willingly participate.
Until you and your husband are on the same page, you're going to have struggles. You both are going to have to give up some things and COMPROMISE! Everything can't be your way. Everything can't be his way. Your son knows you're butting heads so he's going to use whoever he can to get what he wants. Welcome to teenagers!
Being affluent doesn't mean they covered up their daughter's teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancy has been going on since humans were created. Today, it's not shameful like in the 1950's. While you may not like it, that's not anyone else's problem but your own. Good for her for making a life for herself. She could have just easily become someone who had 18 kids with 17 guys and lived in the projects while collecting her welfare check. She didn't. I certainly wouldn't knock her or the family because she got pregnant as a teen. No one is perfect including you. Everyone isn't going to live to your standards.
One counseling session isn't going to change anything. Counseling takes time. He also has to willingly participate.
Until you and your husband are on the same page, you're going to have struggles. You both are going to have to give up some things and COMPROMISE! Everything can't be your way. Everything can't be his way. Your son knows you're butting heads so he's going to use whoever he can to get what he wants. Welcome to teenagers!
Being affluent doesn't mean they covered up their daughter's teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancy has been going on since humans were created. Today, it's not shameful like in the 1950's. While you may not like it, that's not anyone else's problem but your own. Good for her for making a life for herself. She could have just easily become someone who had 18 kids with 17 guys and lived in the projects while collecting her welfare check. She didn't. I certainly wouldn't knock her or the family because she got pregnant as a teen. No one is perfect including you. Everyone isn't going to live to your standards.
I know. I need to compromise but it is hard. I feel strongly my way is right.
Well she left her son for his grandparents to raise and has not taken responsibility for him.
She is partly to blame for the way he is and his overwhelming need to be "loved". I'm not knocking her for being a teen parent - maybe just for being a bad one. And I know I'm not perfect.
I know. I need to compromise but it is hard. I feel strongly my way is right.
Well she left her son for his grandparents to raise and has not taken responsibility for him.
She is partly to blame for the way he is and his overwhelming need to be "loved". I'm not knocking her for being a teen parent - maybe just for being a bad one. And I know I'm not perfect.
You need to get over this compromise is hard nonsense. You're an adult. You're a parent! You need to act like it. All relationships have give and take.
Will you feel so right if the police come knocking on your door? There's far more to parenting than being right. Being right doesn't do anything about the situation your son is in. A son that YOU raised.
You need to stop focusing on what the boy's mom did or didn't do. That's not your problem. You don't know her story. You may know bits and pieces, but you weren't there when she was s teen. You don't know about her life. She probably did the best she could do as a teen and that was giving him up to his grandparents. Many people aren't fortunate enough to grow up with 2 parents or even one parent. Just because you're married today does not mean your husband will be your husband next month or in 5 years.
You certainly do come across as someone who acts like they're perfect, your way is the right way and the only way. How's that all working for you? Your perfect son is behaving in ways he shouldn't. Banning the boy from your son is not going to work. You need to accept that. Your son WILL find a way to see the boy. Just telling him no isn't going to stop him. He's 15 not 4.
You're not even really speaking to him right now. The silent treatment isn't going to fix this. That's just pushing him away. The way you handle this can have a major impact on the relationship you have with your son forever. Do you want him to move away to college and never come back? Or do you want to be able to have chats with him now? The choice is yours. Being a tyrant isn't working clearly.
I missed specifically what he was grounded for. Was it just because? Or did he actually do something that's against house rules?
...and the fact that you and your husband aren't a team are the biggest problems you have. Stop gossiping about the other mom and fix that ASAP. It's distracting you because it makes you feel superior.
I missed specifically what he was grounded for. Was it just because? Or did he actually do something that's against house rules?
He was sneaking around with this boy. He did inappropriate things with him. Both against my rules.
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