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Old 09-03-2017, 02:47 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
71,844 posts, read 63,086,925 times
Reputation: 67244

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
No I do NOT condone sex at all here. I just want to make that clear. I'm sorry if that was confusing.
For one it would not be legal where we are! Two, my son is too young to me never mind this boy.

Also a relationship is NOT synonymous with sex in my book. I DO NOT expect that to happen at all.

As for the other parents I would think they don't condone sex either. They are however eager to be seen as really open and supportive to their son. I think they are naive at best. I told them my concerns and they said at his age all they will do is hold hands and kiss. I find that pretty horrifying in itself. They have a laissez faire approach to parenting. The son is allowed a lot more freedom than I gave my son at 12. They think kids will be kids excuses poor behaviour like being less than polite to adults. I think their son comes across as a bit arrogant and spoiled. He is allowed to go out without them for example. He gives controversial opinions freely while they just shake their heads indulgently. I've had them round for dinner before - they are not bad people but not my kind of people at all.

I am worried about that too. I do trust my son not to do anything but it does not put him in a good position. I'm going to talk more with my husband and see how we can approach it.
Thank you for clarifying your view. I was thinking that might be the case.

Sex is generally taken to be the definition of "relationship". "Sex" can mean almost anything; "playing doctor" is sexual activity. That can get you sent to jail, when underage children are involved. Just saying.

So, by "relationship", you were meaning something more along the lines of puppy-love, crushes, non-platonic "friendship". OK. That does happen, and sometimes it doesn't go anywhere, unless it lasts a year or two into older, more hormone-driven years. You seem to have good communication with your son, so that's key. Keep talking with him! Keep a good ear to the ground. This doesn't resolve the "dating, at 12?!" question, though.

I don't know how you can "break it up". Do they go to different schools? Is this a neighborhood kid? When/where do they see each other, as it is? By imposing a break-up, you might drive it underground, so to speak. Or not, depending on your son's character. But maybe a better approach would be to have the boy over for visits, where you can keep an eye or ear on things? I don't know, not knowing all the circumstances. Maybe at this age they're more interested in skateboarding together, videogaming together, doing kid stuff together?
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Old 09-03-2017, 03:08 PM
 
172 posts, read 79,112 times
Reputation: 328
He lives fairly close to us and we do go to the same church - they are part of a youth group and we do a weekly bible study too. They don't go to the same school fortunately.

He has been round to play video games before and study. I know that sounds harmless but my son has other friends he does the same actives with and he hasn't declared he's dating any of them.

Yes, accepting him over more is one way to have control over the situation. I can't describe it fully - there are obvious reasons why this puts me on edge and it isn't fair but I don't really like the boy either.
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Old 09-03-2017, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Tennesee
10,038 posts, read 2,666,923 times
Reputation: 10913
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
He lives fairly close to us and we do go to the same church - they are part of a youth group and we do a weekly bible study too. They don't go to the same school fortunately.

He has been round to play video games before and study. I know that sounds harmless but my son has other friends he does the same actives with and he hasn't declared he's dating any of them.

Yes, accepting him over more is one way to have control over the situation. I can't describe it fully - there are obvious reasons why this puts me on edge and it isn't fair but I don't really like the boy either.
I think now we are getting down to the heart of the matter.
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Old 09-03-2017, 03:41 PM
 
172 posts, read 79,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Yes, let's put it this way, OP:

How would you feel if your son had an arrest as a sexual predator? Because if I knew this was going on, I would call the police. The 12yo is just a boy, an innocent, barely in puberty.

You son will have that label for the rest of his life.
You would call the police because they are dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
The 12yo is just a boy, an innocent
Honestly I don't know about that. And that worries me.
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Old 09-03-2017, 03:47 PM
 
1,331 posts, read 980,471 times
Reputation: 4295
Be vigilant if your son stated that they are dating then they are, at 15 he understands the difference between having a friend and having a boyfriend. I know that dating doesn't automatically mean sex but don't be naive 15 yr old boys have sexual urges and eventually will act on them if given the opportunity.
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Old 09-03-2017, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,144 posts, read 36,945,048 times
Reputation: 72117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
I think now we are getting down to the heart of the matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Calling a 12 year old boy strange is rude!
These points really do nothing but distract the OP from the actual issue, which is the million red flags surfacing about this relationship her son is in.

It doesn't matter if the 12-yr-old is the most charming and polite kid on earth and the OP's hand-picked type for her son ... the fact is that 12 is too young for any kind of romantic "relationship." She's got enough to worry about with helping her son figure out his own sexual and personal identity.

The fact that her son is gay makes things trickier because flirting and exploring romantic relationships are hard enough at that age, but for kids who know they are gay they can be dangerous. It's risky to come out or approach people when you don't know who of your friends could be homophobic, and that may be making the son even MORE apt to hang out with this 12-year-old. They both have already gotten over that barrier.

It's true that for most kids, forbidding a relationship will only force them to go underground, which is easier to do nowadays.

The OP doesn't have to prohibit the relationship, but she doesn't have to allow it to take place in her own home either.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 9,919,021 times
Reputation: 20450
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
I don't want people to think he is weird by dating this boy which is another reason I want to break it up so quickly.
No one your son is friends with nor anyone his age will think he's weird for being gay! Being gay is very acceptable to the you and other people today. Him being gay is a big hang up YOU have. You're going to need to learn to accept it and get over it or you will lose him.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:04 PM
 
172 posts, read 79,112 times
Reputation: 328
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
No one your son is friends with nor anyone his age will think he's weird for being gay! Being gay is very acceptable to the you and other people today. Him being gay is a big hang up YOU have. You're going to need to learn to accept it and get over it or you will lose him.
Not being gay but dating a 12 year old. Most of his friends do think that is a little weird and that is too young as well. Mostly they tease rather than being serious but it is still disturbing.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:07 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,479,276 times
Reputation: 40986
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
You would call the police because they are dating?



Honestly I don't know about that. And that worries me.
No 15yo hangs around with a 12yo unless it's their sibling. There is something creepy about that to start with.

A 12yo usually is just in puberty.

And yes, if I saw a 15yo making sexual advances on a 12yo, and no parental involvement was obvious, you betcha I would report it.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Tennesee
10,038 posts, read 2,666,923 times
Reputation: 10913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
These points really do nothing but distract the OP from the actual issue, which is the million red flags surfacing about this relationship her son is in.

It doesn't matter if the 12-yr-old is the most charming and polite kid on earth and the OP's hand-picked type for her son ... the fact is that 12 is too young for any kind of romantic "relationship." She's got enough to worry about with helping her son figure out his own sexual and personal identity.

The fact that her son is gay makes things trickier because flirting and exploring romantic relationships are hard enough at that age, but for kids who know they are gay they can be dangerous. It's risky to come out or approach people when you don't know who of your friends could be homophobic, and that may be making the son even MORE apt to hang out with this 12-year-old. They both have already gotten over that barrier.

It's true that for most kids, forbidding a relationship will only force them to go underground, which is easier to do nowadays.

The OP doesn't have to prohibit the relationship, but she doesn't have to allow it to take place in her own home either.
Better her home than somewhere else.
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