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Old 09-03-2017, 04:12 PM
 
16,733 posts, read 13,099,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
Not being gay but dating a 12 year old. Most of his friends do think that is a little weird and that is too young as well. Mostly they tease rather than being serious but it is still disturbing.
And that doesn't make you even more worried? Your kid is in for some trouble if you don't step in. Like, yesterday.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
7,971 posts, read 4,960,067 times
Reputation: 9511
You have heard a lot about consequences. Let's get back to how to change his direction.
I have no idea.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,308 posts, read 9,657,233 times
Reputation: 20415
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
These points really do nothing but distract the OP from the actual issue, which is the million red flags surfacing about this relationship her son is in.

It doesn't matter if the 12-yr-old is the most charming and polite kid on earth and the OP's hand-picked type for her son ... the fact is that 12 is too young for any kind of romantic "relationship." She's got enough to worry about with helping her son figure out his own sexual and personal identity.

The fact that her son is gay makes things trickier because flirting and exploring romantic relationships are hard enough at that age, but for kids who know they are gay they can be dangerous. It's risky to come out or approach people when you don't know who of your friends could be homophobic, and that may be making the son even MORE apt to hang out with this 12-year-old. They both have already gotten over that barrier.

It's true that for most kids, forbidding a relationship will only force them to go underground, which is easier to do nowadays.

The OP doesn't have to prohibit the relationship, but she doesn't have to allow it to take place in her own home either.
The OP has personal issues with the 12 year old. The OP has a HUGE issue with her son being gay.

I never said sure 15 year old and 12 year olds all over America should go bang each other until they pass out.

Just because someone is dating doesn't mean they're having sex or even thinking about having sex. The OP's son could have had a crush on any one of his friends over the years and the OP would never know.

Forbidding the relationship - friends or dating - from the OP's house will just drive the relationship. They will find a way to be with each other. Isn't it far better to know what's going on in your child's life?

What would people be saying if this was a 12 year old girl instead? Would that have met with approval as long as they stay dating - no sex?
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,308 posts, read 9,657,233 times
Reputation: 20415
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
Not being gay but dating a 12 year old. Most of his friends do think that is a little weird and that is too young as well. Mostly they tease rather than being serious but it is still disturbing.
Jealousy is one reason kids tease each other. He could be teased because they're jealous that he's in a relationship and they're not. Kids tease in general. There's no getting over that. If the 12 year old disappeared into thin air tomorrow, his friends would find else to tease him about.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,888 posts, read 35,640,727 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
No one your son is friends with nor anyone his age will think he's weird for being gay! Being gay is very acceptable to the you and other people today.
This is absolutely not true. There are plenty of teen boys who are not accepting of homosexuality and who will give the OP's son grief about it. Being gay is acceptable to CERTAIN people but not universally. I have a friend whose son came out as a teenager and witnessed firsthand how difficult the experience was for him. He did not begin to thrive until college.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
Better her home than somewhere else.
LOL this is the rallying cry of dismissive, deluded, permissive parents everywhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
The OP has personal issues with the 12 year old.
So? She's not required to like every person who comes into her son's life. That is not her biggest concern here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
I never said sure 15 year old and 12 year olds all over America should go bang each other until they pass out.
I didn't say you did.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Jealousy is one reason kids tease each other. He could be teased because they're jealous that he's in a relationship and they're not.
Nope. I have a 13-year-old son who is almost 14, and I guarantee this kid's friends are not jealous because he has a "relationship" with a 12-year-old boy. If anything, it will stigmatize him even more.

The BEST way to discourage this relationship is to get the son involved in other things he's interested in. Slowly diminish the importance of the 12-year-old in his life. Her son has to feel valued and respected, and he has to have things in his life that make him feel good about himself.

Don't talk negatively about the 12-yr-old, but if your son complains about him, ask questions to help steer the conversation into why hanging out with him is not the best idea so that the son learns to trust his own instincts.

So ratchet up activities, and yes, if you need to look for a new church, do so.

I second the idea of contacting PFLAG.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:55 PM
Status: "Today's special: filet of incel. Limited time offer." (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Tennesee
9,119 posts, read 2,310,984 times
Reputation: 9637
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
Better her home than somewhere else.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
LOL this is the rallying cry of dismissive, deluded, permissive parents everywhere.

You said that she did not have to disallow the relationship, but she does not have to allow it in her home, right?

I do not see anything dismissive, deluded, or permissive about a parent exercising some control over the environment in which their children meet with others.
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:02 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,888 posts, read 35,640,727 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
I do not see anything dismissive, deluded, or permissive about a parent exercising some control over the environment in which their children meet with others.
Sure. That ^^^ is a very different way of phrasing it than:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
Better her home than somewhere else.
"Better her home than somewhere else" is how deluded, permissive parents rationalize teen alcohol parties and mixed-gender sleepovers.

There's a difference in being authoritative and authoritarian. The OP can still authoritatively guide her son without throwing down a welcome mat for precocious kids who may not be the best influence.
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:08 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
6,520 posts, read 11,302,089 times
Reputation: 18427
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
... The 12yo is just a boy, an innocent, barely in puberty. ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
Honestly I don't know about that. And that worries me.
I think this ^^^ is the crux of the matter (OP's part is from post #44). OP, you "don't know" that the 12-year-old is "just a boy, an innocent, barely in puberty"? What on earth do you think he is, then? A seducer of your 15-year-old?
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,308 posts, read 9,657,233 times
Reputation: 20415
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
This is absolutely not true. There are plenty of teen boys who are not accepting of homosexuality and who will give the OP's son grief about it. Being gay is acceptable to CERTAIN people but not universally. I have a friend whose son came out as a teenager and witnessed firsthand how difficult the experience was for him. He did not begin to thrive until college.


So? She's not required to like every person who comes into her son's life. That is not her biggest concern here.
We're talking about today not some friend's kid from years ago. In general, today being gay is accepted especially by younger folks.

No one said she has to like everyone in her son's life. There's a difference between liking someone and saying nasty things about them. Do you think she would enjoy other parents calling her kid weird, strange, different, etc? Probably not.
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:29 PM
 
172 posts, read 75,150 times
Reputation: 323
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
I think this ^^^ is the crux of the matter (OP's part is from post #44). OP, you "don't know" that the 12-year-old is "just a boy, an innocent, barely in puberty"? What on earth do you think he is, then? A seducer of your 15-year-old?
No of course not! I do not blame a child who despite being tall doesn't look like they've suffered through puberty at all. The kindest thing I can say about him is that he is a beautiful child.

However I don't think he acts appropriately.
He knows more than a child should on certain matters.
I'm not saying I think he can hurt my 15 year old but I would not drop dead of shock if he knew more or had done more than his parents think he has.

My husband and I have taken care raising our son and he's been pretty sheltered. We monitor his internet usage for example and he has not dated before. Rules I know did not apply for this boy.
I'm not saying my son is more innocent but he is not a predator either.
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