Do You Regret Having Your Children? (playing, married, husband, travel)

[katzenfreund]

I do agree that past generations have had challenges, but think the challenges we face will be a lot more serious. The planet can't support continued population growth and continued poisoning of the planet. We have more childhood asthma, allergies, cancer is on the rise, every day children die of starvation etc. There will be wars over resources, etc. etc. I think it is a very good reason not to bring additional people into the world. The human is race is in NO danger of becoming extinct, in fact quite the opposite, the population will be too large to be sustained by this planet if it continues to grow as it has been. If we continue down this road, who will decide who gets to live and who dies? I guess it is ok to let children starve in Africa or Asia, because they are poor?
I most admire those people who adopt, improving the life of those children that are already here and have no home is a noble thing indeed.

[ParkerP]

Ok, I could tak or leave kids myself but that "40 reasons" list by the author is completely insane! "Don't become a travelling feeding bottle", LOL is she serious? Calling kids vicious dwarfs, LOL come on lady get real. I understand her wanting to counter the romanticized ideals behind having kids but that list is ridiculous. Homegirl has issuuuuuues.

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by ParkerP

Ok, I could tak or leave kids myself but that "40 reasons" list by the author is completely insane! "Don't become a travelling feeding bottle", LOL is she serious? Calling kids vicious dwarfs, LOL come on lady get real. I understand her wanting to counter the romanticized ideals behind having kids but that list is ridiculous. Homegirl has issuuuuuues.

The vicious dwarfs reason kind of lost me too.

[katzenfreund]

I doubt that she was serious about those reasons, sounds like she was trying to be humorous about them...

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by NewToCA

I think this has now run it's course in P&OC, and the discussions are getting to be more about personal decisions on having (or not having) kids.

Moved to appropriate forum for that type of discussion.

Pity - I thought the personal decision aspect was interesting and by moving it to the parenting forum that aspect will die. I mean who hangs around the Parenting Forum if they don't want kids?

Oh well.

[TristansMommy]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

I
40 reasons not to spawn
These are the arguments author Corinne Maier uses in her book to persuade readers to just say no to having children. Each reason gets a chapter.

The desire for children: A false aspiration. Why is it a false aspiration? It's biological. Without it the entire race would be wiped out. It also could be considered spiritual.. etc.

Childbirth is torture. It is far from torture these days.. with the epidural.. I quite enjoyed my birthing.. didn't really feel a thing.. yes. pushing was tough . and a lot of work.. but it was a labor of love.. the most beautiful moment of my life.. and the ONE moment I will never forget is the exhileration I felt that when that kicking,hicupping in my belly human being first came out of me.. oh my god! It was amazing.

Don't become a travelling feeding bottle. I loved it.. Now.. In the U.S most woman bottlefeed.. THAT is mor annoying and troublesome than nursing.. it's ready and there whenever baby needs it... so very convenient. I would say packing formula, heating bottles is ALOT more of a nuisance.

Continue to amuse yourself. After 31 years with myself I was bored with me.. I know me already.. but nothing is more rewarding or amusing than watching in wonderment as your child discovers the world around you.

Subway-job-kids: No thank you! Don't understand this one.

Hold onto your friends. Yes.. some friends do fall to the wayside.. but that happens in life as you grow and others don't grow with you. I'm very picky about my inners circle.. and so I didn't have many clse friends to loose.. one kind of fell to the side slightly because she is in a different place, but remains my friend.. another of my friends and I have actually become much closer as we both had children aroudn the same time. I've also met other mothers and have formed great friendships with them. Beign a mom only means you make and find new friends, not loose and be lonely.. Again.. friendships come and go in your life depending on where you are and how you are growing compared to someone else.

Do not adopt the idiot language we use to address children. I actually didn't talk baby talk to my son too much.. because it's much better for their language developement to be spoken to like you would a normal person.. but I certainly don't mind the ba ba.. poo poo and pee pee language at all.. it's nice to be "silly" because life can be so serious.

To open the nursery is to close the bedroom. This statement can be true.. but it depends on the person. You have to make an effort.. but then marriage is all about effort. If you're married to teh same person for such a long time you HAVE to find ways to spark in the bedroom children or no children. I think people use their "children" as an excuse to cop out of constantly working on the romance and intimacey and really has not much to do with the children. And you also realize that your marriage is about MUCH more than sex.. and you build a different kind of intamacey parenting together.

Child, the killer of desire. Not at all.. Life and it's challenges can also kill your desire.. it just depends on the person.

They are the death knell of the couple. Again.. not true.. If you hada great marriage before then your children will only strengthen your marriage.. BUT .. if you had an okay marriage or some weak points that you overlooked before then you are going to get divorced, children or no children. It's important to know what type of marriage you have before you have children.

To be or to make: You shouldn't have to choose. And I agree.. you do not exist to BE simply because you make a child.. that is just silly.

The child is a kind of vicious dwarf, of an innate cruelty. WHAT!!! MY GOD.. I'm glad this woman was never my mother.. Children are beautiful... full of love, innocence.. nothing vicious or cruel about them.

It is conformist. If you have children only becaues you feel society WANTS you to have children then I agree.. but if you feel that way. you probaly shouldn't have children

Children are too expensive. WHAT!! Nothing is as rewarding as a child.. a house is expensive.. a boat is expensive.. yes a child cost money.. but no boat or house or any other materially expensive thign will EVER bring as much joy or fullfilment as a child can! I guess if you'd much rather spend your money on Gucci bags and luxuries.. then dont' have children.. because unless your rich you can't really have both.. but I dont' care about those material things.. I'd give EVERY penny to my son first before I buy other "expensive" things.. they only leave you feeling empty and lonley at the end of the day.

You become an ally of capitalism. K.. well ..if you didn't have a child because it was "too expensive" than you probably buy other "expensive" things that people with children DON'T.. .like maybe you can buy more designer labels and spend a ridiculous $1200 on a purse.. or buy that flat screen TV whenever you want.. so are you THEN not an ally of capitalism because you are more of a consumer then. Unless I'm completely misunderstanding this statement.

They will destroy your time and your freedom. And what would I be doing with my time.. or my "freedom" that was so great before I had a child? Yes, you give up your "freedom". I'm not so free to be spontaneous. .but so what.. I wasn't doing anything all that great BEFORE I had my child anyway..LOL.

The worst drudgery for the parents. As a parent I completely disagree.. having my child is NOT drudgery.. again.. I would have hated this woman to be my mother.. to think that she felt her children were drudgery!!

Do not be deceived by the notion of the ideal child. This is correct.. no one is perfect.. not even your child, not even my child.. they are human beings...not droids.. anyone who expects a perfect child is living in la la land.. LOL. Utopia doesn't exist on earth.. only in heaven (that is if you believe in heaven)

You will inevitably be disappointed by your child. Never..!!! However if I feel I failed my child I'd be disappointed in myself.. he is his own person that will make his own choices..all i can do is guide him..

To become a merdeuf (soccer mom) - what horror! I can't WAIT to cart my kids off to soccer or piano or whatever it is that interest them and lgihts up their little faces. the JOY that I'd get out of watching them enjoy life.. I would relish EVERY minute of it! And I look forward to it.

Parenting above all else - no thanks. Oh THANk YOU.. I say.. nothing I'd rather be than a parent.. best "job" and the most rewarding I've ever had!

Block your professional path with children. If being an executive with a career is your path. .then children will make it more difficult or I should say challenging but doesnt have to stop you. But for me.. being a parent is the best.. over being a CEO or anything else any day.

Families: They are horror and cruelty. Families have their challenges.. and no one's is perfect.. but where would we be without them. I'd hate to see what kind of family she had to have said this statement!

Don't fall into an overgrown childhood.

To persist in saying "me first" is a badge of courage. Or is completely selfish. Depends on your outlook.

A child will kill the fond memories of your childhood. On the contrary.. my son reminds me so much of my childhood which was great.. and hasn't killed it for me.. but helped me relive it in my mind.. and want to give him some of the wonderful fond memories I've had as a child to him and then some! Having a child helps us remember how simple and beautifully life was and can be and brings us back to a time where everything was just perfect in our worlds! No stress or worries in those times.. and it's great to think back to that adn then provide that for someone else.

You will not be able to prevent yourself from wanting your child to be happy. Of course not..LOL. kind of a silly statement.. BUT you have to remember you have to let them be happy WHATEVER it is that makes them happy. .. NOT what makes YOU happy... so lets say your child is gay.. and is happy as a gay person.. but YOU think they are not..t hat's YOUR issue.. not theirs.. Will they always be happy and not struggle.. of course not.. it's part of life.. duh!

Child care is a set of impossible dilemmas. Not at all!

School: a prison camp with which you'll have to make a pact. Geez.. where did this lady go to school..LOL

To raise a child, but toward what kind of future? A future that he builds for himself.. a future FULL of possibility and promise. One that you help guide him towards and then allow him / her to make their own choices to create.

Flee from the benevolent blandness. There's never a dull moment in my house!

Parenting will make you soft. Well.. that depends.. do you want to be a hard stiff person who's ridgid and well.. cold? Then don't have children.. PLEASE don't have children.. because then YOu will be miserable and THEY will be miserable..

Motherhood is a trap for women. I don't feel trapped at all.. actually I haven't felt more liberated.

To be a mother, or to succeed: You must choose. Bull! You can be a mother AND succeed.. and to say that is just well nonsense.

When the child appears, the father disappears. AGain.. Nonsense! If you choose the wrong man...maybe..

The child of today must be a perfect child: a brave new world. HUH?

Your child will be in constant danger from pedophiles and pornographers. That has always been the case.. there are lots of dangers out there.. Yes, you have to protect them. and it's not always easy to do.Pedophiles have always existed.. we just are aware of it now more than ever, which gives us the ability to protect better.. ignorance is NOT bliss.\

Why contribute to a future of unemployment and social exclusion? Well.. that depends.. if you raise your child to be lazy and NOT work and don't pass on your work ethics.. than you may be contributing to a future like that. Pretty bleak outlook to say before you child is born that they will end up unemployed..

There are too many children in the world. Nonsense.. LOL. Actually we have FEWER children these days than families did in the past.. we have . .maybe between 1 - 3 children on average.. back in the day peopole had 6 plus.. no birth control! however, the older generation LIVES longer with moder day medicine.. so perhaps that's why this woman may feel this way.. like overpopulation.

Turn your back on the ridiculous rules of the "good" parent.

A good parent is defined in several ways.. basically.. if you love your child, give him /her that love, guide them and let them be their own person.. than you are good paretn. No parent is perfect.. but neither is every child.. But we aren't made to be perfect.

I just think this woman sounds.. well quite sad, bitter and a little cold. I mean.. she is a mother and STILL feels this way? Wow! Again.. how horrible must her children feel reading this from their mother!

Yes.. if you feel that having children is all these things this woman has said.. then don't! You'd be doing that child a favor by not having them then.. BUT it is NOT true simply as a fact.. it's only true because YOU feel that way for yourself! NOT that all this is true for EVERY mother that has a child! It is the furthest from the truth for me and quite the opposite.

[TristansMommy]

Originally Posted by Greatday

I'm going to get slammed for this I know but, men and women ARE different and Womens nature is to nurture - to have children. It is part of being a woman.

I agree that there are some woman who should never "breed" (what an awful way of putting it) - that do not have the mental acumen to raise the next generation. Thank God though that there are more women who do feel the need to bring a child into this world - and who want to nurture that child - to care for them - to guide them. To take joy in them.

Thank heaven for the Mothers full of love.

GreatDay.. I kind of agree with you...

Fathers have LOTS Of love for their children.. I don't take away from that.. They also have a strong nurturing thing.. etc.. however for a man this comes AFTER the baby arrives..

Having gone through it myself.. for me it was real from the minute I saw that life on the screen and knew it was inside me. my instincts were immediate.. for my husband it still was quite unreal until he was actually phsyicall here..

AND.. there are just ways that woman are different.. I KNOW all my baby's difference cries and what they mean.. my husband just hears cries (and he can't stand when he is crying.. any of them) I , on the other hand, can say.. that is a whiny cry becasue he doesn't want to sleep.. leave him be (cause if you let them know that crying works in gettin their way.. you're toast..LOL).. of course my husband is a big push over for that and my son knows it..LOL.. There are also other, hard to put into words way that makes us different (men and woman) when it comes to wanting, having and parenting children as a man/woman.

[Who?Me?!]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

Pity - I thought the personal decision aspect was interesting and by moving it to the parenting forum that aspect will die. I mean who hangs around the Parenting Forum if they don't want kids?

Oh well.

I agree ...kinda skews the opinions...should've remained where it was.


Now all we'll hear is the glories of having children and the inference that child-free people go around sad all day, unfulfilled, down in the dumps, being emotionally immature, wallowing in all those other "shallow" interests.

[hutch5]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

I was just reading a news article on French psychiatrist and author Corinne Maier, who has written a best selling book called No Kids - 40 Reasons Not To Have Children.

In her book she states that she regrets having her 2 kids and encourages women not to have children.

I know this sounds pretty extreme, but I suspect that there are a lot more people who feel this way than one might think. For example I know that my Mother loves me more than anyone or anything else, but her life would have been much easier without me (nothing I did, outside forces). I know she doesn't 'regret' having me for a second, but I suspect that if she knew then what she knows now, she may have chosen to remain childless although she would never say so.

My husband and I are unsure about having kids. My husband leans slightly towards 'no', but says he may be open to kids in the future. I lean slightly towards 'yes', but not sure how much of that is biological clock and a selfish desire for the 'perfect family', and how much is genuine desire to have and raise a child.

I realize that almost everyone loves their children more than anything else.

However, if you could do it over, would you still have your kids?

Is parenthood what you thought it would be?

Did having children bond you and your spouse, or put a wedge between you both on a sexual and emotional level?

Do you feel disappointed by your children? Did they turn out how you hoped?

Have you made a choice not to have kids and feel that you will never change your mind?

Honesty appreciated! : )

My husband and I have 3 children and as far as we are concerned they are 3 little blessings to us.

My daughter is preteenager and many times she can be quite difficult but I would not swap her for anything.

To answer some of your questions, children bring a different dimension to the marriage. Sometime it can bring strains as well, so it is important for the marriage to be strong in order to cope with children. DO NOT have children to save a marriage. It won't work.
On the other hand if you have a good relationship with your husband children can bring you further together. It is important that as a couple you make an effort to tend to the relationship and not let the children take over. You still need to go out together, to have some time in the evening without the children around, etc. you need to work at it.

My children are still young to know if they will turn out as we had hoped but I know that a lot will have to do with the way we will raise them. When one decides to have children has to be willing to take on the responsibilties of being parents.

Children bring a lot of joy but also heartbreaks sometimes, like in any relationship.

I noticed that quite a few of the reasons for not having children listed in the book you read are quite selfish. I do not say it in a critical way but it is important to recognise that if one decides to have children he/she will no longer be at the centre of his/her universe. One has to be prepared to actually open up to the other represented by that child. You will need to assess if for you that change is worth while.

I personally have learned and grown a lot from my children and from being a parent and will do it all over again.

But I have friends who decided not to have children and they are splendid people and I will never criticize them for their choices. We are all different!!

We can all give you our experience but ultimately you and your husband alone will need to choose.

[Jude1948]

As a 60 year old grandmother, I think I can add a bit to this topic. But first, it was Ann Landers, Dear Abby's twin who took a survey many years ago and asked the question--If you could go back, "would you have children again?" 70% said no they would not.
My husband and I had both our boys in our twenties. We were very naive. There were not too many books other that Dr. Spock that gave info on child rearing. We just kind of learned as we went. Many mistake were made and I wish I could go back and change, we did what we thought was right.

If you decide to have kids, just know that they will be your life from now on. I was a stay at home mom and did all the school volunteering and carpooling. My husband traveled a great deal, so it was up to me. I don't think I really enjoyed my kids.

But now is my reward with the sweetest granddaughter in the world. She is my life now. I have the patience and the time to really love and appreciate her. I hope I can teach her the things my mother never could tell be about love and life experience.