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Old 03-15-2008, 10:24 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 6,897,258 times
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I was just reading a news article on French psychiatrist and author Corinne Maier, who has written a best selling book called No Kids - 40 Reasons Not To Have Children.

In her book she states that she regrets having her 2 kids and encourages women not to have children.

I know this sounds pretty extreme, but I suspect that there are a lot more people who feel this way than one might think. For example I know that my Mother loves me more than anyone or anything else, but her life would have been much easier without me (nothing I did, outside forces). I know she doesn't 'regret' having me for a second, but I suspect that if she knew then what she knows now, she may have chosen to remain childless although she would never say so.

My husband and I are unsure about having kids. My husband leans slightly towards 'no', but says he may be open to kids in the future. I lean slightly towards 'yes', but not sure how much of that is biological clock and a selfish desire for the 'perfect family', and how much is genuine desire to have and raise a child.

I realize that almost everyone loves their children more than anything else.

However, if you could do it over, would you still have your kids?

Is parenthood what you thought it would be?

Did having children bond you and your spouse, or put a wedge between you both on a sexual and emotional level?

Do you feel disappointed by your children? Did they turn out how you hoped?

Have you made a choice not to have kids and feel that you will never change your mind?

Honesty appreciated! : )

 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
13,720 posts, read 22,136,505 times
Reputation: 5964
I'll leave this in P&OC for the time being, though I kind of think it should be in the Parenting Forum.
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:36 PM
 
Location: Pinal County, Arizona
25,100 posts, read 32,730,618 times
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My first child was killed by a drunk driver. His mother, pregnant with our 2nd child was driving our car. She died giving birth to our second child.

Do I regret having my children?

No. They are my gift from God.
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:38 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 6,897,258 times
Reputation: 3928
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewToCA View Post
I'll leave this in P&OC for the time being, though I kind of think it should be in the Parenting Forum.

I pondered between the two - took a look at subjects on the the Parenting Forum and didn't feel it was appropriate to put it there. Bit of a controversial subject. Your call though. : )
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:41 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 6,897,258 times
Reputation: 3928
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greatday View Post
My first child was killed by a drunk driver. His mother, pregnant with our 2nd child was driving our car. She died giving birth to our second child.

Do I regret having my children?

No. They are my gift from God.
Don't even know what to say to this. I'm so sorry - what very difficult blows you have been dealt.

Good to know that you do not regret your kids.
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:43 PM
 
21,001 posts, read 17,914,080 times
Reputation: 5926
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I was just reading a news article on French psychiatrist and author Corinne Maier, who has written a best selling book called No Kids - 40 Reasons Not To Have Children.

In her book she states that she regrets having her 2 kids and encourages women not to have children.

I know this sounds pretty extreme, but I suspect that there are a lot more people who feel this way than one might think. For example I know that my Mother loves me more than anyone or anything else, but her life would have been much easier without me (nothing I did, outside forces). I know she doesn't 'regret' having me for a second, but I suspect that if she knew then what she knows now, she may have chosen to remain childless although she would never say so.

My husband and I are unsure about having kids. My husband leans slightly towards 'no', but says he may be open to kids in the future. I lean slightly towards 'yes', but not sure how much of that is biological clock and a selfish desire for the 'perfect family', and how much is genuine desire to have and raise a child.

I realize that almost everyone loves their children more than anything else.

However, if you could do it over, would you still have your kids?

Is parenthood what you thought it would be?

Did having children bond you and your spouse, or put a wedge between you both on a sexual and emotional level?

Do you feel disappointed by your children? Did they turn out how you hoped?

Have you made a choice not to have kids and feel that you will never change your mind?

Honesty appreciated! : )
I never had kids...it was thoughtful decision that I never regretted both for personal reasons and the fact that when I look at the world today I realize I wouldn't have done them any favors by bringing them into it.

Although I never had kids I never lived in a vacuum(about a million neices and nephews and sisters and brothers)... so I DO know something about them.

First: don't expect them to make your life better or happier...that's NOT their responsibility.

Second: don't expect them to be a perfect family...there is no such thing.

Third: ask yourself if you are INTERESTED in child rearing...sadly some parents aren't.

Fourth: EXPECT your life to change...it will drastically.

Fifth: Don't put them on an altar..they're not gods.

Sixth: Expect them to cost a lot in time and money. Your life will no longer be soley YOURS.



Seventh: for their sakemake sure you know why you're having them....not for your husband, not for your parents, not because "everybody's doing it" but because YOU want to.



AND: Life can be very happy and fulfilling without having kids...I never regretted a moment!
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
13,720 posts, read 22,136,505 times
Reputation: 5964
To answer your basic question, no I don't regret having kids. We have three, all who are now adults. My wife was gung ho on having kids, I was ambivalent.

I found them to be expensive, and certainly impacted our relationship, but on the whole I would state they have been a major plus in our lives. As you age life looks somewhat different to you, and this certainly has been a plus in our overall lives. Adapting to the problems associated with having and raising kids was also a positive growth experience, overcoming the various challenges has been a positive life experience.
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:51 PM
 
Location: wrong planet
5,097 posts, read 9,618,951 times
Reputation: 4060
Quote:
Originally Posted by Who?Me?! View Post
I never had kids...it was thoughtful decision that I never regretted both for personal reasons and the fact that when I look at the world today I realize I wouldn't have done them any favors by bringing them into it.

Although I never had kids I never lived in a vacuum(about a million neices and nephews and sisters and brothers)... so I DO know something about them.

First: don't expect them to make your life better or happier...that's NOT their responsibility.

Second: don't expect them to be a perfect family...there is no such thing.

Third: ask yourself if you are INTERESTED in child rearing...sadly some parents aren't.

Fourth: EXPECT your life to change...it will drastically.

Fifth: Don't put them on an altar..they're not gods.

Sixth: Expect them to cost a lot in time and money. Your life will no longer be soley YOURS.



Seventh: for their sakemake sure you know why you're having them....not for your husband, not for your parents, not because "everybody's doing it" but because YOU want to.



AND: Life can be very happy and fulfilling without having kids...I never regretted a moment!


I can only add ditto to that!
Made the decision early on. Never regretted it for one second, in fact I am always reassured that I made the right decision. And no, I don't dislike or hate children, but I don't think I would be doing them a favor by putting them into this mess we have made of the planet. And I always felt that if I really want to be a mother, I would adopt.
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Old 03-15-2008, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Way up north :-)
3,031 posts, read 4,958,876 times
Reputation: 2897
Quote:
Originally Posted by Who?Me?! View Post
I never had kids...it was thoughtful decision that I never regretted both for personal reasons and the fact that when I look at the world today I realize I wouldn't have done them any favors by bringing them into it.

Although I never had kids I never lived in a vacuum(about a million neices and nephews and sisters and brothers)... so I DO know something about them.

First: don't expect them to make your life better or happier...that's NOT their responsibility.

Second: don't expect them to be a perfect family...there is no such thing.

Third: ask yourself if you are INTERESTED in child rearing...sadly some parents aren't.

Fourth: EXPECT your life to change...it will drastically.

Fifth: Don't put them on an altar..they're not gods.

Sixth: Expect them to cost a lot in time and money. Your life will no longer be soley YOURS.



Seventh: for their sakemake sure you know why you're having them....not for your husband, not for your parents, not because "everybody's doing it" but because YOU want to.



AND: Life can be very happy and fulfilling without having kids...I never regretted a moment!
I'd like to second all of the above, and add that I've also never regretted not having them. I've never felt maternal (though have been told numerous times that 'its different when its your own').
I wondered if that was why so many kids are abused by their parents (as I was by my father)..the reality of parenting was too 'different' for them, maybe. But I would hate, more than anything, to have them and feel regret. I do not understand how someone can beat a child, as annoying as they can be sometimes.
I once met a woman in her 50's who, though she loved her daughter, told me that if she had to do it over again, she'd remain childfree. I appreciated her honesty. It's a highly charged, and very personal subject, with no 'right' or 'wrong' views.
If I do regret not having kids one day, then that is my problem, and I certainly hope I won't become a bitter crazy old cat lady. (no offense, I love cats!)
 
Old 03-15-2008, 10:53 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 6,897,258 times
Reputation: 3928
Quote:
Originally Posted by Who?Me?! View Post
I never had kids...it was thoughtful decision that I never regretted both for personal reasons and the fact that when I look at the world today I realize I wouldn't have done them any favors by bringing them into it.

Although I never had kids I never lived in a vacuum(about a million neices and nephews and sisters and brothers)... so I DO know something about them.

First: don't expect them to make your life better or happier...that's NOT their responsibility.

Second: don't expect them to be a perfect family...there is no such thing.

Third: ask yourself if you are INTERESTED in child rearing...sadly some parents aren't.

Fourth: EXPECT your life to change...it will drastically.

Fifth: Don't put them on an altar..they're not gods.

Sixth: Expect them to cost a lot in time and money. Your life will no longer be soley YOURS.



Seventh: for their sakemake sure you know why you're having them....not for your husband, not for your parents, not because "everybody's doing it" but because YOU want to.



AND: Life can be very happy and fulfilling without having kids...I never regretted a moment!

I hear you on all counts.

I certainly don't want them for anyone else - none of our parents bug us about it at all and we don't worry about conforming.

My main concern is that I worry my desire for a child is more hormone driven than anything else. Hormones are not a good reason to have kids, but they are strong! : )
Think we'll revisit the issue in a year, but still interested to hear people's responses to the question.

The author basically says that having kids destroys the parents relationship and stops the Mother fulfilling her full potential.
It is interesting I think - and I respect her bravery in admitting how she really feels. Also interesting that the book has become a best seller indicating that she is not alone in her feelings on this.
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