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i know people that have done this. my dentist did this. he made a legal agreement with a woman he knew to have his biological child (through IVF) and had an attorney do all the paperwork ahead of time for him to have full legal rights. He has chosen to be a single dad. His son is 4 now, and he is considering having a second child with the same arrangement, and same mother, so they would be full siblings. He was around 40 when he had his son. He was stable financially, owned a home, had family in town to help him with daycare. It was a very well thought out decision. He chose someone he knew to avoid what he felt was a greater chance of some other surrogate mom "changing her mind" and wanting to keep the baby. He felt like since this woman was someone he know she would be less likely to do that. He said it was still a concern, because there could be legal problems with a birth mom claiming the baby but he said it worked out and did what he could to minimize that risk.
People always talk about crying babies in these single parent scenarios. But for me the hardest part was the middle school and early high school years when consistent discipline is absolutely critical to keep them on the right path. It is soooo much easier when you have two authority figures focused on the same goal, outnumbering the errant child. One-on-one is just not an effective dynamic when dealing with a hormonal teen.
Having raised two adopted kids through the teen years and now raising the next two through the teen years--these two are 14 years old, I disagree!
I have it MUCH easier than most of my friends. I have kids that ask for something and if I say NO then that is my answer. Most of my friends have a spouse that will listen and consider the kid's requests after knowing (and sometimes not knowing) that the mother's answer was NO. Then my friends have kids and spouse pressuring her or just overriding her as another adult can. e.g. if I say we are going out to Chinese for dinner it will not become burgers and fries at the beef and bar place! Dishes and homework get done when I say, not after the latest sports event on TV, etc.
I have it much easier than my friends with out the spouse. And my kids have a VERY CLEAR AND CONSISTANT MESSAGE. They know yes is yes, and no is no, arguing will just get discipline. Rude and disrespectful behavior is not tolerated.
Also BTW quite a few of my friends who started out with a spouse now have to also juggle the kids back and forth to their now ex-spouse. Now that is really hard on EVERYONE! The best laid plans....
It's not negativity toward single parents. There are tons of great single parents who bust their butts and raise good kids. But, there are numerous studies you can read that will document the great negatives that befall those that come from single-parent families. Just because that is your individual experience doesn't make that the rule or even the majority.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with good single parents. However, knowing that it is optimal to have a two-parent family, it seems irresponsible to many people to intentionally enter creation with the intent of being a single parent.
Actually studies that have been done do not support your statement.
A LOT of studies have been done to see whether single people should be able to adopt children. In many areas it is not allowed.
The studies showed that parents who are single by choice, and enter into parenthood prepared and with a planned event (e.g. not a 'oops') raise children quite well, academically (even though many that are adopted are special needs), socially and that these children do better as adults, based on their earning, less divorces, attending college, etc. than children raised by two parent families. The kids adopted by single parents generally came out way at the top of the scale. Sperm donor single parents came out at the top too.
The single parents that did not do well, and their children did not achieve well as adults were the unplanned single parents, either through 'oops, how did that happen?' or divorce.
The graph showed a double bell curve for single parents vs. success of the children, with the planned (adopted/sperm donor) vs. accidental (Oops / divorce) being what separated the two bells.
At the same time, the adopted/sperm donor kids came from families that were in the top financially when they were kids, can not remember exactly but top 25% of income in the US, something like that.
So some of their doing well is based on good child care, good schools, or tutors, etc. But in the end single parenting was not a problem. Poverty, lack of skills and support, maturity of the parents, coping skills of the parent, those things resulted is less successful parenting of the child.
Has anyone ever thought about arranging to be a single parent?
There was a woman in Ireland who did it for example. I think it is not at all that uncommon. I think it requires nothing more than you research the trials and requirements of being a single parent - and assure yourself that you are up to the task. Which - as others have pointed out - is a struggle at the best of times let alone for someone with your history. It does not seem to be a wise choice in your scenario at this time. But you have given yourself a 5 year window I see - so it sounds like you are not planning to rush into this.
Also you claim here to have been "born with" depression. Not sure exactly what your condition is - but if it is a genetic one you might want to seek medical advice on becoming a parent too. Is it a genetic condition you are likely to pass on to a child. Is that what you would want?
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I find it incredibly selfish. You work, bring the child to daycare early mornings and pick it up at night to put it to bed.
So exactly like _many_ couples do then??? That is the reality for many couples who choose to have children. Are they all "incredibly selfish" too? Or are you merely projecting judgements onto one of the many common realities of the modern world?
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
purposely deprive this child of a male parent.
As do lesbian parents. And vice versa with gay parents. So what? The idea that a particular gender is required in the parental unit is as archaic as it is unsupported. Once a child gets what they actually need from their parent(s) the gender of the parents bringing it is irrelevant.
There is enough history here to give the OP real advice without grasping at irrelevant straws on top of it to cloud the discussion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dazzleman
My mother always used to say "every child has a right to a mother AND a father." She was right.
I do not think she was at all. What I think a child has a right to is a safe home. A stable home. Love. Education. Food. Shelter. And many things like that. _Who_ is providing that is irrelevant. It could be a single parent - homosexual parents - a group of people - and so on.
When people are considering being parents they should not be considering how many of them there are (single, couple, group) or what the contents of their pants are (male, female, other) - but whether they are as parent(s) capable of providing the things a child actually needs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
What if those kids don't want you? Oh yeah, they don't have a choice.
Surely the same can also be said about _anyone_ _anywhere_ having children??? If this is something true of everyone - what relevance does it particularly have here and now? It sounds like the kind of thing the stereotypical petulant teenager is saying with the old "I did not ask to be born!" line.
It seems the OP is posting every fleeting thought, let's hope she has the necessary impulse control to not act on them. She's a train wreck waiting to happen. The OP becoming a single mother, obligating a child to a life of misery, with her as the biggest influence, is just perpetuating her disaster of a life. The OP will continue to make poor decisions throughout her and the child's life. It'll be a never ending disaster.
As do lesbian parents. And vice versa with gay parents. So what? The idea that a particular gender is required in the parental unit is as archaic as it is unsupported. Once a child gets what they actually need from their parent(s) the gender of the parents bringing it is irrelevant.
There is enough history here to give the OP real advice without grasping at irrelevant straws on top of it to cloud the discussion.
-Snip-
I THINK that OhEve was referring to OP - IOW, not ALL people. The OP is NOT a lesbian so I don't find her comment out of line at all (or prejudicial). Bring a lesbian is just irrelevant in that context. I could be reading it wrong, I admit. And if I am, so what? We aren't discussing whether or not gay people should raise children - we're talking about the OP and her question.
Actually studies that have been done do not support your statement.
A LOT of studies have been done to see whether single people should be able to adopt children. In many areas it is not allowed.
The studies showed that parents who are single by choice, and enter into parenthood prepared and with a planned event (e.g. not a 'oops') raise children quite well, academically (even though many that are adopted are special needs), socially and that these children do better as adults, based on their earning, less divorces, attending college, etc. than children raised by two parent families. The kids adopted by single parents generally came out way at the top of the scale. Sperm donor single parents came out at the top too.
The single parents that did not do well, and their children did not achieve well as adults were the unplanned single parents, either through 'oops, how did that happen?' or divorce.
The graph showed a double bell curve for single parents vs. success of the children, with the planned (adopted/sperm donor) vs. accidental (Oops / divorce) being what separated the two bells.
At the same time, the adopted/sperm donor kids came from families that were in the top financially when they were kids, can not remember exactly but top 25% of income in the US, something like that.
So some of their doing well is based on good child care, good schools, or tutors, etc. But in the end single parenting was not a problem. Poverty, lack of skills and support, maturity of the parents, coping skills of the parent, those things resulted is less successful parenting of the child.
There's a HUGE difference in being a VERY wanted child where a person will do all kinds of things to have that child - save up adoption, IVF treatments, etc. - and an oops or we should have a kid cause we're married and we're supposed to. Wanting desperately to have a child and be willing to do anything it takes to have that child gives a person drive make that child(ren) the best they can be and feel loved.
One of my friends adopted 2 children from China several years ago. She was single and divorced. One of the daughters has a disability. She went through hell to adopt both of those girls. They were raised to work hard and succeed. She didn't let them slack off or goof around. Nope. Their days were filled with activities. The one with a disability received a full scholarship to college. Her other daughter is working on getting onto one of the teams where you tryout for the Olympics. Yes, she pushed them hard, but they've been very rewarded for their hard work. Both girls were VERY wanted and definitely not an oops.
It seems the OP is posting every fleeting thought, let's hope she has the necessary impulse control to not act on them. She's a train wreck waiting to happen. The OP becoming a single mother, obligating a child to a life of misery, with her as the biggest influence, is just perpetuating her disaster of a life. The OP will continue to make poor decisions throughout her and the child's life. It'll be a never ending disaster.
Exactly!!
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That is the reality for many couples who choose to have children. Are they all "incredibly selfish" too? Or are you merely projecting judgements onto one of the many common realities of the modern world? 
