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You can sit down with your son to discuss and write a plan and strategies how to tell the boy's mother. From what you say about your son, he seems like a very good and brave boy and dares to stand up to do the right things. You can suggest your son to phone and talk with the boy's mom because he saw what was happening. And he is a kid, what he tells the boy's mother, and how the mother takes it and acts on it, it's up to her.
You are his mother and his teacher at home, you can teach him to do the right things, what to say, how to act when he's still young and encourage him to practice it on his own. And if the result turns out good, he will feel that he achieves something and feel proud of himself and thankful to you. And you will be proud of him.
To the bully (kid or adult), sometimes it has to take a group of people to handle him or her.
First I am leaning heavily towards MYOB. But was curious what others thought.
My son goes to a very small middle school. The school takes a different stance on bullying. They say "It happens" and work with the bully specifically on their behaviors with interventions that aren't always punishments (they have some specially trained staff that is able to do so). They also work to protect the kid being picked on, but we know most bullying is hidden from adults.
I agree with this, and it being a small school, its something they can deal with.
Last week I started hearing about a boy who was harassing and bullying my son and his friend. We talked about it and he didn't want me to get involved but we came up with strategies for dealing with him. This week it came to a boiling point and my son lost his temper and shoved the kid. My son told me this because he felt bad he had done it and knows pushing is wrong. I was surprised the school didn't call me so I decided to call before it got way out of hand and get the story from the teachers.
Turns out the boy isn't bullying my son because he stands up to him. The boy is bullying other kids and my son is stepping in and they didn't fault him for the altercation. They assured me they are working with the boy that is bothering other kids, but confirmed he is causing a lot of problems for several boy...but that they are dealing with it.
I reconnected with my son and he verified this. But he told me with concern that his best friend is being bullied by this kid and hasn't told his mom because he doesn't want to upset her. I am friendly with the mother and she mentioned her son had been bullied before. My son asked me to call her and tell her so maybe she can help her son. My son's best friend is a easy target because he gets upset easily and doesn't stand up for himself.
I am really learning toward minding my own business and letting the school and the boy handle it. I don't know the mom well enough to know what her reaction would be and the boy might be right not to tell her. But if it were me, I would REALLY want to know so I could hold the school accountable for protecting my son from emotional abuse.
Thoughts?
Please call the mother as your son asked. She can then be aware and look for signs of depression in her child and can help him realize it is not him but the bully who has a problem.
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I would thank my son for sharing this with me and tell him I would talk to his friend's mother. I don't know that I'd have my son be there for the initial conversation. You don't know this mom well or how she's going to react, right? In that case, I would definitely speak to her alone, without the kids present. I would mention it in passing and try to get her to talk to see how much she knows. I'd also mention what her son had been sharing with mine. She needs to know.
I would also coach my son on other options to deal with the bully. I would not want my son to feel like he is another child's protector. That's not healthy for any of the kids involved. I would teach him to recognize the signs of escalating behavior and figuring out options. For example, maybe he can get a teacher involved. Perhaps, there are avoidance techniques. That sort of thing.
I would thank my son for sharing this with me and tell him I would talk to his friend's mother. I don't know that I'd have my son be there for the initial conversation. You don't know this mom well or how she's going to react, right? In that case, I would definitely speak to her alone, without the kids present. I would mention it in passing and try to get her to talk to see how much she knows. I'd also mention what her son had been sharing with mine. She needs to know.
I would also coach my son on other options to deal with the bully. I would not want my son to feel like he is another child's protector. That's not healthy for any of the kids involved. I would teach him to recognize the signs of escalating behavior and figuring out options. For example, maybe he can get a teacher involved. Perhaps, there are avoidance techniques. That sort of thing.
I'd also be documenting incidents, too.
Yeah that is what I have been working on with him. IN school standing up for the other kid is one of the main strategies they teach the kids. My son....he is a bold guy for being so little. He has even said that you have to intimidate people when they try to pick on you when you are small. He has got some really good skills in that area. But I get it...I am not going to insist he be nice and polite if someone is trying to hurt him or pick on him. Still...its escalating and I don't want my kid in trouble for doing what he thinks is right...and at age 12, sometimes things seem like a good idea that aren't.
So we have gone over a few ideas. The one he said he is going to try next is walking up and asking the victim to walk away with him, then walk towards a teacher or other adult and if the boy follows and keeps it up, report it. Hopefully the boy will stop when he sees they are going towards an adult. Or any other way to thwart the boy's attempts enough to make them boring targets.
He said he is getting tired of hearing the teachers tell him to ignore it. That works for some bullies...they will move on to a more reactive target. But not this kid. My son really had to let him know he wasn't going to take it. And his friend isn't that kind of kid, he is really sensitive (he is a very sweet kid). So I suggested if the teachers keep telling them to ignore it that they go to the principal or school psychologist and report it there.
So those are the goals for this coming week to see if that helps. And I think I will talk to my son's best friends mom in a way that commiserates. Because even though my son isn't being picked on, its stressful enough he doesn't want to go to school. But I don't have to add that the kid isn't directing it at my kid.
Definitely tell the mum. The fact that your son is asking you to contact his friend's mum speaks volumes - he must be really concerned about and worried for his friend. He also sounds like a top lad, sticking up for victims, takes guts to do that.
Yeah that is what I have been working on with him. IN school standing up for the other kid is one of the main strategies they teach the kids. My son....he is a bold guy for being so little. He has even said that you have to intimidate people when they try to pick on you when you are small. He has got some really good skills in that area. But I get it...I am not going to insist he be nice and polite if someone is trying to hurt him or pick on him. Still...its escalating and I don't want my kid in trouble for doing what he thinks is right...and at age 12, sometimes things seem like a good idea that aren't.
So we have gone over a few ideas. The one he said he is going to try next is walking up and asking the victim to walk away with him, then walk towards a teacher or other adult and if the boy follows and keeps it up, report it. Hopefully the boy will stop when he sees they are going towards an adult. Or any other way to thwart the boy's attempts enough to make them boring targets.
He said he is getting tired of hearing the teachers tell him to ignore it. That works for some bullies...they will move on to a more reactive target. But not this kid. My son really had to let him know he wasn't going to take it. And his friend isn't that kind of kid, he is really sensitive (he is a very sweet kid). So I suggested if the teachers keep telling them to ignore it that they go to the principal or school psychologist and report it there.
So those are the goals for this coming week to see if that helps. And I think I will talk to my son's best friends mom in a way that commiserates. Because even though my son isn't being picked on, its stressful enough he doesn't want to go to school. But I don't have to add that the kid isn't directing it at my kid.
*sigh* I really hope this gets better soon
If teachers are telling any student to ignore anything that is upsetting to them they are definitely NOT handling it properly. Kudos to your son for coming to you. No child should be around bullying. No teacher should ever say ignore it, EVER.
... He said he is getting tired of hearing the teachers tell him to ignore it. That works for some bullies...they will move on to a more reactive target. But not this kid. My son really had to let him know he wasn't going to take it. And his friend isn't that kind of kid, he is really sensitive (he is a very sweet kid). So I suggested if the teachers keep telling them to ignore it that they go to the principal or school psychologist and report it there.
...
Whoa. Back up and hold the phone here. This goes right to the point I've been making -- the school is NOT handling it. Yes, with that information, the other mother needs to know. What's more you should be making a stink in the principles office as well. Sounds like the situation could escalate until someone throws a punch and then when the school finally intervenes it will be the target or perhaps even your son who is in trouble rather than the bully.
Whoa. Back up and hold the phone here. This goes right to the point I've been making -- the school is NOT handling it. Yes, with that information, the other mother needs to know. What's more you should be making a stink in the principles office as well. Sounds like the situation could escalate until someone throws a punch and then when the school finally intervenes it will be the target or perhaps even your son who is in trouble rather than the bully.
The situation could escalate. In my city there was just a story of a kid that was being bullied and couldn't take it and stabbed two kids (unfortunately one died), reports go back and forth if the two stabbed were bullying him that day, at that time. The accused was bullied since school started. But all reports agree that the school and teachers knew and did nothing expect say "ignore it"
No one wants it to get to that point.
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But I get it...I am not going to insist he be nice and polite if someone is trying to hurt him or pick on him. Still...its escalating and I don't want my kid in trouble for doing what he thinks is right...and at age 12, sometimes things seem like a good idea that aren't. 
