Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a feeling that you have just discovered your wife. Did you not know her before marrying her? (that she was spoiled, that she was coming from a rich family? or, at that time, this fact attracted you?) Did you not know her 8 months ago, when you were conceiving your second child? Did you discuss the help/nannying before deciding to try for a second baby? Do you anticipate that if her parents arrive, the tickets won't be the only expense? They will need to eat, to bath, to shop, to go places sightseeing, to eat in restaurants, to obtain souvenirs? It is not clear why you look so narrowly at one expense. Or, will you have arguments about other things when they present themselves in front of you? (there will be problems with either her mother, or with a nanny). There is a feeling that you did not think properly in the past, and also don't really think properly about the future.
I think what people are missing is that OP is traveling overnight constantly. It doesn't matter if someone is a SAHM--to expect them to have 0 help, 24 hours a day, when she is just home from the hospital is pretty nuts. I'm sure *some* people do it, but why would you WANT your wife and 4 year old to suffer, if you can afford to do something else? Does the 4 year old even nap anymore? This isn't a typical situation where a husband is working 9-5.
It's true that I live in a upper middle class area, but every single mother I know that has a spouse that travels frequently overnight has help. A part time babysitter, a night nurse (the first 6 weeks), a post partum doula, out of town parents--something.
We have a 3 year old and will have another baby in 8 months. We are fortunate that my wife doesn't have to work but I travel for work Mon thru Thurs for about 3 weeks a month. My mother will probably be available to help my wife for about a month after she delivers our newborn. However, my wife wants to fly her parents all the way from Korea to spend a couple of weeks with us and see the new baby as well.
Her parents are by no means hurting for money. My wife wants to do this just as a token of appreciation. In my mind, it should be almost expected for her parents to fly here on their own to see the baby, especially since they can afford to do so. They certainly did for our first child. I support my mother financially as well every month and she just lives by herself. My wife puts this against me but she knew going into the marriage that this was the case.
Long story short, my wife and I had a huge argument over this and she keeps saying I don't understand due to cultural differences. I am Korean as well but raised in the U.S. I call complete B.S. On her claim of cultural differences. She even stated that some of her Korean friends did this. I told her what we decide to do is our own business. Two plane tickets will cost us almost $3000. My wife ended the argument stating that she will just have to hire a nanny then, which is another BS because it's not like her parents were going to stay here long anyways.
The thing that really frustrates me is that in the past, her 22 year old brother from Korea lived with us for a year and her parents did not send a penny for food, utilities, etc.
Thoughts and opinions?
Have you asked your wife what's different about this second child, that suddenly she feels required to pay her parents' way, when she didn't for the first child? That would be a crucial question, it seems. Her argument about having to hire help is also bogus, in view of the fact that your mother will be helping. Did you mention to your wife that your mom would have it covered, when she said she'd have to hire a nanny?
Can you afford it? If you can well afford it, she may be wondering what the big deal is. Frankly, if you can find two tickets at $1500, it seems you're doing well. The various times I've checked ticket prices between Korea & the west coast USA, they've been a little over $2000. In any case, I think your wife still has some questions to answer. So far, none of her reasons/arguments hold water. Maybe she feels pressure from friends to treat her parents to a free trip? Could there be some keeping-up-with-the-Joneses (or Kims, as the case may be) going on, on her part? Maybe it's a status symbol, among her friends, to fly their parents over?
I think what people are missing is that OP is traveling overnight constantly. It doesn't matter if someone is a SAHM--to expect them to have 0 help, 24 hours a day, when she is just home from the hospital is pretty nuts. .
Did you read the part where he said his mom would be there, helping out?
I have a feeling that you have just discovered your wife. Did you not know her before marrying her? (that she was spoiled, that she was coming from a rich family? or, at that time, this fact attracted you?) Did you not know her 8 months ago, when you were conceiving your second child? Did you discuss the help/nannying before deciding to try for a second baby? Do you anticipate that if her parents arrive, the tickets won't be the only expense? They will need to eat, to bath, to shop, to go places sightseeing, to eat in restaurants, to obtain souvenirs? It is not clear why you look so narrowly at one expense. Or, will you have arguments about other things when they present themselves in front of you? (there will be problems with either her mother, or with a nanny). There is a feeling that you did not think properly in the past, and also don't really think properly about the future.
I'm sure the OP assumed that her parents would pay their own way out to visit, like they did for the first baby. Why wouldn't he? Why the sudden need on her part, to subsidize her wealthy parents? That's the mystery here.
We have a 3 year old and will have another baby in 8 months. We are fortunate that my wife doesn't have to work but I travel for work Mon thru Thurs for about 3 weeks a month. My mother will probably be available to help my wife for about a month after she delivers our newborn. However, my wife wants to fly her parents all the way from Korea to spend a couple of weeks with us and see the new baby as well.
Her parents are by no means hurting for money. My wife wants to do this just as a token of appreciation. In my mind, it should be almost expected for her parents to fly here on their own to see the baby, especially since they can afford to do so. They certainly did for our first child. I support my mother financially as well every month and she just lives by herself. My wife puts this against me but she knew going into the marriage that this was the case.
Long story short, my wife and I had a huge argument over this and she keeps saying I don't understand due to cultural differences. I am Korean as well but raised in the U.S. I call complete B.S. On her claim of cultural differences. She even stated that some of her Korean friends did this. I told her what we decide to do is our own business. Two plane tickets will cost us almost $3000. My wife ended the argument stating that she will just have to hire a nanny then, which is another BS because it's not like her parents were going to stay here long anyways.
The thing that really frustrates me is that in the past, her 22 year old brother from Korea lived with us for a year and her parents did not send a penny for food, utilities, etc.
Thoughts and opinions?
You are in a difficult spot. The money thing with your in laws is annoying, but you have compromised with the 1 ticket offer. That was a smart way to try and work out the issue.
Your wife's need for a nanny is not unreasonable in light of your travel schedule. Being away 3/4 work days in a row per month puts your wife in a no break situation, day and night, for multiple days. I realize there are many people who can handle this, but there are many people who cannot. A good solution could be a part time nanny for 2-3 days per week on the days you are away on business.
I would also think that your oldest is going to be headed to pre-K soon. This will also take some pressure off your wife. The part time nanny could be a bridge to your oldest starting pre-k until your newborn sleeps though the night.
My wife stayed home for a few years, but I always did the night feeding/crying/wakeups. My wife was so relieved when I walked in after work because there were now another set of eyes and my wife no longer had to be so hyper-vigilant. When you are not around, she never gets a break. With one child it is not too bad, but the second child will change things.
Did you read the part where he said his mom would be there, helping out?
His mom is available to help out for a month. The OP's wife needs more help than that with her husband frequently traveling and gone overnight multiple days.
I have a feeling that you have just discovered your wife. Did you not know her before marrying her? (that she was spoiled, that she was coming from a rich family? or, at that time, this fact attracted you?) Did you not know her 8 months ago, when you were conceiving your second child? Did you discuss the help/nannying before deciding to try for a second baby? Do you anticipate that if her parents arrive, the tickets won't be the only expense? They will need to eat, to bath, to shop, to go places sightseeing, to eat in restaurants, to obtain souvenirs? It is not clear why you look so narrowly at one expense. Or, will you have arguments about other things when they present themselves in front of you? (there will be problems with either her mother, or with a nanny). There is a feeling that you did not think properly in the past, and also don't really think properly about the future.
wow what's the secret in figuring your wife out completely and finding a perfect person? Relationships are a process and no ones perfect. You just don't figure someone out and then move on or else what's the point? Also, it's not like this particular situation happens every day either. calling her spoiled is just me venting on this forum; having said that, she has much more positive attributes which attracted me to her.
He didn't say his mother would be there 24/7 to help with night wakings, or how helpful his mother really is (some grandparents are more of a hindrance than a help), and what relationship his wife has to his mother.
Is there a good reason OPs wife doesn't expect her MIL to be very helpful?
If you polled all new mothers, you'd find very few who would say that the person they most want helping them post partum would be their MIL. I'm totally comfortable asking my own mom to go get more pads for me, or asking my own mom if it feels like my stitches aren't healing well, or asking my mom to accompany me to all the early pediatrician visits. I can also ask my mom to cook specific things for my daughter and am comfortable directing my mother to take my child to the park for a few hours, or to take her to a class or activity in town. But I don't have that kind of relationship with my MIL. I really like her, but we have a somewhat formal relationship. She is the last person I would want around when I'm trying to breastfeed, and a new mom shouldn't be sequestered back in a bedroom all day in her own house. I don't feel comfortable requesting my MIL to cook particular things or comfortable asking her to take my kids somewhere in particular. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my MIL to help clean my house. But my mom--I would totally ask her, and she'd be happy to help.
It's different. Totally different.
OP is asking his wife to solo parent every single week for more than half the week. Have an infant and feed the infant, attend to all night waking alone (there are so many at first!) *and* somehow entertain and educate a busy active 4 year old all day. It's one thing if you have to, because you can't afford better options. But if you can afford it, why not?
Oh boy, the keeping up with the Joneses mentality. If she needs a nanny, she'd better be going back to work. You've created a monster. Good Luck
Nah, her parents created the monster. Or princess. Either way, she will need help, especially with such a busy schedule. A nanny though? Probably not. Or maybe a couple times a week so that she can catch up on sleep or mentally recharge. I'm sure she's used to a certain lifestyle, one that you should have taken into account of prior to marrying her. But you know...love blinds. I suggest that once the kids are old enough to get shipped off to preschool/kindergarten, she get a job so she can get a glimpse of why throwing around money isn't the best thing to do. Good luck man. Also, that culture excuse is a load of bs. Unless, she means her personal family culture, in which case, she's right.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
