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Good post. Make it clear that mint makes you sick and if wants to continue chewing the gum he needs to leave the room.
My dad felt similar about cherry flavor/scent. But the deal was I was allowed to have it (gum, candy, etc) but just not around him. The smell of mint making someone sick isn't an allergy. Its not a medical condition. Its a preference (maybe even a PTSD preference). So it should carry that weight. It would be so different if it was a true and severe allergy. Like some people cant even smell peanut butter without dying. So...its not that.
13 is awful. I hated being 13 and I don’t like living with 13 year olds. So, next time you feel steam rising,remember: at least one person on the Internet knows how you feel.
Pick your battles indeed. Set ground rules that you can enforce with total consistency and let the rest go. Explain the “why” repeatedly. You may add on to these later, but for now consistency is key. I would start with health and safety. What needs to happen so your child is healthy and safe? Add on, basically prepared to support himself when he moved out (high school diploma) because that is your legal responsibility. Focus on those three things.
Next is—don’t engage in anger. Find consequences that do not require anger. Stop the car if you must and walk away. No homework? “I guess you aren’t ready for 8th grade. We can repeat this next year if need be.” Walk away. If he tries to escalate, reply calmly or at least without yelling, “I’m not engaging in this anymore” and walk away.
Make his fits and foolishness about him.
This is not consequence free parenting. It is giving him consequences he can understand, rather than “rewarding” him with an excuse to blame his issues on you.
I do disagree. A kid who doesn't respect his parents because he knows there are no real consequences, (just a lot of yelling) may very well respect teachers and cops because doing otherwise has consequences. Children do what works. It wouldn't work for him to yell at his teacher, or refuse to do what she has asked because he know there will be consequences, a bad grade, a trip to the office, etc. With Mom he can get away with it because nothing really bad ever happens.
I see this exact thing with one of my son's friends. The friend pretty much gets away with anything he wants when he is at home and tends to be pretty snotty a lot of the time. When he comes to our house, if he does anything disrespectful, snotty, etc., I'm quick to tell him that if he doesn't shape up, he's going home. He always shapes up. I feel bad for the kid, actually.
I am a parent with two children, ages 11 and 13, and I am having an extremely hard time with my 13 year old. Almost every single day we are fighting, and it turns into screaming, shouting, and crying. I'm considering giving up and letting him fail out of school, but I love him too much. Just today we had a large squabble:
He was chewing a piece of gum, mint gum, and I was on the phone due to a broken dishwasher. I told him to spit it out, and he said "no". I thought he was joking, so I asked the question again, and received the same answer. A bit of background about why I needed him to spit it out is that the flavor mint almost always makes me sick. My poor husband had to change toothpastes due to it.
After a few more tries of me asking nicely, and not getting the answer I needed, I took away his phone and told him "Spit out the gum, and you can have it back,". I'm assuming you can guess the answer I got. He began screeching at me, while I was on the phone. I tried to ignore him, but after the phone was off, I finally snapped and did exactly what he was doing to me: Yell at the top of my lungs.
I need help with this child. I want to love him, and I try, but it is so hard to love him. What can I do? It's hell in my household, with a crying 11 year old being beat up by my 13 year old, and a husband who's at a bike race.
Therapy, mama. We don't come equipped with with skills enough to navigate the teenaged crapshoot. In any event, the kid isn't willing to simply work it all out in the current mix of things (and how could he? He's 13 and knows diddly), so seeing as he's choosing hysterics and unacceptable levels of disrespect over simply complying and getting along. This didn't just develop.
You need a professional to help you both find a level of mensch-hood on which to communicate going forward and for helping Jr to understand communication in general.
Yelling, confrontation & hysterics only take place when you don't know how to say what you mean & feel.
And PS, you pay for Everything. You buy the food. You're in charge and running a home isn't a democracy. Jr's participation is non-negotiable.
Last edited by gents; 10-19-2017 at 09:05 AM..
Reason: Post thought
ohh I'd hate to swift kick a parent. But if you are of that nature...have at it.
Interestingly enough my younger kids do kick me in the butt. We are a taekwondo family and practice often. But then again that is not showing a lack of respect as with this 13 year old kid. This kid was not taught respect. The same kind of action will be shown toward teachers and other people of authority. It is not an honorable thing for a child to have a lack of respect for parents, teachers, and other authority figures.
When there is a problem with children people tend to want someone to 'fix' their child so they can just get back to life as they imagine it should be without the heavy lifting. If it has gotten to this point of daily yelling and screaming there is something seriously wrong in the family dynamic, something that will take the effort of both parent and child and perhaps a good therapist.
Totally normal behavior. He is challenging authority which is healthy, he is becoming his own individual. Instead of giving into his defiance be matter of fact and tell him he is fine to make that choice but consequences are X,Y,Z. No yelling needed.
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