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This is where I stand on it.
I've basically decided that if it hasn't happened for me by 35 - and that's just a little over three years out, I probably won't have kids. If it hasn't happened by 40, I'm not having them. I don't think it's necessarily fair to the child for a way older than average parent.
I think a lot of that depends on the individual. I know 50 year-olds with better energy than some 25 year-olds. However, it's definitely something to consider. I'm the youngest in my family at 39. My siblings are late 40s, my father has already passed away and my mother is 71. My husband's siblings are closer in age, but none of them are financially stable. My biggest fear about having a child at my age is God forbid something happen to me and my husband when the kid is a teenager and there's no relatives alive or able to take him in. The idea of leaving a kid or young adult alone in the world to fend for himself terrifies me.
I think a lot of that depends on the individual. I know 50 year-olds with better energy than some 25 year-olds. However, it's definitely something to consider. I'm the youngest in my family at 39. My siblings are late 40s, my father has already passed away and my mother is 71. My husband's siblings are closer in age, but none of them are financially stable. My biggest fear about having a child at my age is God forbid something happen to me and my husband when the kid is a teenager and there's no relatives alive or able to take him in. The idea of leaving a kid or young adult alone in the world to fend for himself terrifies me.
My husband lost both of his parents before they were 70. He lost his mom about 10 years before his dad. The mom had a ton of medical issues and lived in a nursing home. Dad fought cancer for 5 years. So neither one was healthy before they died.
Siblings. There's HUGE age gaps in his family. He has 2 siblings. 10 years and 16 years apart. The two younger siblings are very close. They even had a baby a month apart. Neither one is close with my husband....partly due to the age difference and partly because he married someone not uber religious who was interested in joining their cult like church.
I have thought about what would happen if we had ever have kids....who would we leave them to? That's a great unknown! I wouldn't them in the cult like church and my siblings don't have kids. We even struggled with our dogs! We finally figured out that we would leave our entire estate to a local animal rescue that we've worked with. They could sell off our house and keep the money. They would rehome our pets as well. Crazy amount of planning involved! So I really can't imagine trying to figure this out with short humans!
I think a lot of that depends on the individual. I know 50 year-olds with better energy than some 25 year-olds. However, it's definitely something to consider. I'm the youngest in my family at 39. My siblings are late 40s, my father has already passed away and my mother is 71. My husband's siblings are closer in age, but none of them are financially stable. My biggest fear about having a child at my age is God forbid something happen to me and my husband when the kid is a teenager and there's no relatives alive or able to take him in. The idea of leaving a kid or young adult alone in the world to fend for himself terrifies me.
As people continue to put off having children, having older parents is going to be commonplace. My parents were 40s when they became unexpectedly pregnant (14 years between my brother and I). I was born in the 70s when older parents were unusual, my mom always looked younger but people tended to think my dad was my grandfather. As child it was embarrassing for me but nowadays it's nothing unusual. People also seem to age better now, they don't "give up" when they become parents, lol.
Most people my age (40s) still have their parents. I have lost both and that's been very hard on me. It's difficult and I do think about it when I see all these older parents. Fortunately, people are also living longer and having a child is good motivation to stay healthy. The reality is no one knows what's going to happen. A car accident can take out two 20 something parents and leave a child alone. We all just try to do the best we can. I'd love to have my parents around but the other option is never having been born.
If both your kids (male & female) were in their mid thirties and did not want to get married or have kids, would you think that was unusual as a parent? Would you assume it was something you did that made them chose that path?
Where do you live? Unless you are divorced or otherwise have some sort of marriage dynamic the children view as unfavorable I think this can be a product of locality. Bigger more progressive cities foster different lifestyle choices. Midwesteners in smaller cities for example are still mostly getting married and having kids. I suspect young adults in Brooklyn or LA are making more diverse choices than here in Dayton or say Tulsa or even Dallas.
Someone up thread said "lots" of people not having children. I disagree with that. Everyone on TV and in magazines does nothing but talk about having kids and parenthood these days. I know very few...no? people who have chosen not to have children. And frankly I take the whole no children thing with a grain of salt till they are well past child bearing years. So many change their mind at the end.
Same goes for marriage. An old home town acquaintance on fb had said her daughter was opposed to marriage and children several years ago. I think she just posted wedding pictures recently.
Unless you live somewhere where there are many others like you most people change their minds. All your friends get married and start hanging with other marrieds (I have no idea why but this is true). Doesn't take long to see the writing on the wall. Living single in a world obsessed with coupling is a lonely place. Marriage is a self defense.
I respect your line of thinking here. I could say a lot more. But conversations about age and parenting can get very heated very fast. I'll just say grandparents matter. I was fortune to not only have my grandparents, but my great-grandparents. I'm 40. My great grand-parents have been gone for a long time now. But their impact on me is still fresh to this day.
Also, while good health is never guaranteed we must be honest with ourselves. At 40 I couldn't image starting parenthood right now. I've been at it a decade now. I have two. We are past the diapers, car seats, lost sleep, etc. phase. I'm glad I endure all that a decade ago.
I think grandparents are important as well. Though I wasn't close with the still living full set growing up, I was close to the other set for many, many years. Even today, I see the living grandmother I am close to at least once, if not twice, most weeks.
Like you said, I don't think I want to be wiping baby butts and being woke up at all hours when I'm 40. The guy I mentioned in his mid-40s with the tech manager job and wife as a principal, the insane commute, etc., I don't see how they do it, or how it's even worth it.
I don't sleep through the night as well as I did ten years ago, and am often up several times anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
My husband lost both of his parents before they were 70. He lost his mom about 10 years before his dad. The mom had a ton of medical issues and lived in a nursing home. Dad fought cancer for 5 years. So neither one was healthy before they died.
Siblings. There's HUGE age gaps in his family. He has 2 siblings. 10 years and 16 years apart. The two younger siblings are very close. They even had a baby a month apart. Neither one is close with my husband....partly due to the age difference and partly because he married someone not uber religious who was interested in joining their cult like church.
I have thought about what would happen if we had ever have kids....who would we leave them to? That's a great unknown! I wouldn't them in the cult like church and my siblings don't have kids. We even struggled with our dogs! We finally figured out that we would leave our entire estate to a local animal rescue that we've worked with. They could sell off our house and keep the money. They would rehome our pets as well. Crazy amount of planning involved! So I really can't imagine trying to figure this out with short humans!
I'm an only child. If I was married and something happen to both my wife and me, the kids would probably have to go with her parents or to foster care. My mom especially is not able to take care of kids at 60 and in her health. Dad could, but he has a fairly physical job and they have too much to do that doesn't get done now - even with no kids. Between five cats, a large home with a large yard, overtime, her poor health, and her mom's poor health, they're stretched thin as it is.
The economy is definitely a problem. For the vast majority of people job security is not a given and housing in good school districts is out of the reach of many. The middle class is shrinking and the politicans who make policy don't care, most of them are wealthy and beholden to other wealthy people. Healthcare alone can be too much for many families and it's only getting worse.
Absolutely spot on.
I didn't graduate college until I was 24 back in 2010. That was on me, but if I graduated in 2008 at 22, I don't think I'd have done any better. It took me until 2014 to find a permanent, career-track job at a normal wage ($50k in the Midwest) with benefits - before that, it was four years of low paying IT support work. I had to move a lot (TN > IA, IA > TN, TN > IN) to get $50,000.
All that moving and the bad economy set me back around five years. The job I had in 2014 when I was 27/28 should have been the first thing I had out of college at 22/23. At 31, I'm about where I thought I'd be at 26 if you had asked me "where will you be in five years?" when I was getting ready to finish college.
Given that I live in a small metro with a weak economy, what happens if I lose my current job? I'd probably have to move to a major city in the southeast to make what I'm making now. It's much easier to just move yourself than moving a wife and kids in school.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SparklesNShine
I think a lot of that depends on the individual. I know 50 year-olds with better energy than some 25 year-olds. However, it's definitely something to consider. I'm the youngest in my family at 39. My siblings are late 40s, my father has already passed away and my mother is 71. My husband's siblings are closer in age, but none of them are financially stable. My biggest fear about having a child at my age is God forbid something happen to me and my husband when the kid is a teenager and there's no relatives alive or able to take him in. The idea of leaving a kid or young adult alone in the world to fend for himself terrifies me.
Sure, I'm sure there are some very active 50 year olds with more energy than some 25 year olds, but it's probably rare.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 10-31-2017 at 06:52 AM..
I have twins that receive special services from the state for language delay. I also have an older child that's been formally diagnosed with ADHD. I could post all day long on one of those boards. Is there one here on CD?
If both your kids (male & female) were in their mid thirties and did not want to get married or have kids, would you think that was unusual as a parent? Would you assume it was something you did that made them chose that path?
I believe the correct term for people in their middle thirties is "adults".
This is just my thoughts/opinions on the matter. I don't understand the whole "fear" of marriage. If you can shack up with someone for a decade, buy a house with the person, and do all of that why not get married? I'm the product of (amicably) divorced parents, yet I am in a happy marriage for the past 14 plus years. in no way did my parents' marital status influence my own views towards marriage. In addition, getting married hasn't been the proverbial ball and chain. You don't "lose part of yourself/individuality". Having the team concept/considering others' interests other than your own is the key to any stable relationship, whether it's a marriage or not. This whole anti-marriage thing is bizarre to me - I guess I'm still a traditional girl at heart.
As for my kids, well it's their choice and it's not reflective on our parenting. We have given them a stable home life, that's the extent of it. Whether they choose to get married and/or have kids is totally up to them, though I'd be lying if I said that it'd be nice if ONE of them decided to get married and have children. Call it primal urge to continue the family line, whatever.
This is just my thoughts/opinions on the matter. I don't understand the whole "fear" of marriage. If you can shack up with someone for a decade, buy a house with the person, and do all of that why not get married? I'm the product of (amicably) divorced parents, yet I am in a happy marriage for the past 14 plus years. in no way did my parents' marital status influence my own views towards marriage. In addition, getting married hasn't been the proverbial ball and chain. You don't "lose part of yourself/individuality". Having the team concept/considering others' interests other than your own is the key to any stable relationship, whether it's a marriage or not. This whole anti-marriage thing is bizarre to me - I guess I'm still a traditional girl at heart.
As for my kids, well it's their choice and it's not reflective on our parenting. We have given them a stable home life, that's the extent of it. Whether they choose to get married and/or have kids is totally up to them, though I'd be lying if I said that it'd be nice if ONE of them decided to get married and have children. Call it primal urge to continue the family line, whatever.
I think much of the concern is that family and divorce courts are now heavily tilted in favor of women. Like I said before, I've seen good husbands and fathers get taken through the absolute wringer, even if the woman initiated the divorce, cheated on the man, etc. This has happened to a couple of friends of mine - the wife decided she just didn't want the relationship anymore, gets custody of the children, divorces the man, and yet he's the one paying child support and alimony.
Don't make child support? That doesn't matter. Your driver's license can be suspended or revoked due to that (how are these matters even related?). You can go to jail for lack of payment. What if you're facing a layoff through no fault of your own? That doesn't matter - pay up or go to jail.
When faced with these consequences, it's no wonder many men have dropped out of the marriage and child market.
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