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I agree with some of the posters in that I think as marriage progresses sometimes one in the couple changes their minds as to what they want. A couple may have a child and one feels that one is plenty and more is too much while the other would like more children. I know very often once a woman has a child and experiences that, she may want more than she first thought, meanwhile not always the case with men. We spoke about children a lot before marriage. You never know what will come your way. We wanted 2, maybe 3, we had 4. The reason we had 4 is we had 3 sons first and really hoped for a daughter. Our 4th is a girl, whew!
My husband and I agreed we wanted children before we got married (I was 21). 9 years later I was ready and he said he didn't want any. We were headed down divorce row because it is a deal breaker. Luckily he came around and now we have 2 kids and he is very thankful.
We got married through the church so it was a requirement that we take pre-marital classes. You'd be surprised how many couples there that were about to get married had not discussed it. My husband and I love to talk to eachother so we had already discussed children, money, etc. Nowadays, I would hope people still talk about it before marriage but from some of the posts recently, it looks like it is not discussed.
Kids and other things that are discussed in the Pre-Cana classes--it just amazes me that people can get that far in a relationship and not discuss children, where they want to live, finances, etc. We had a couple get up and walk out of our class after having some of these discussions stating that they had some eye opening conversations that day and are putting their wedding on hold. It was a shocker but a very mature decision I thought.
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Originally Posted by cpg35223
Well, hang on. People are allowed to change their minds. We went through all the marriage classes. My wife and I started out wanting lots of kids. But by the time #3 rolled around, I said "enough."
The same thing with people deciding they want none at all. I've known people who started down the avenue of infertility treatment, and said "Oh, to hell with it," while the other partner still wanted to try.
Or, the reverse happens where a person doesn't originally want children, and suddenly they do. I've seen that happen, too.
In short, people change over time. Their attitudes, aspirations, fears, and philosophies. And I don't care how many marriage encounter classes a 22-year-old will attend before the wedding, that person will be different in a host of ways five to six years after saying "I do." Or, at the same time, how many times did you agree to something in principle during those discussions but, when it came down to decision time, taking a different slant on things?
I agree that changing from 3 to 2 kids isn't quite the same as yes to having kids to all of the sudden NO kids. I think deciding on a number of kids, until you have had at least one, is pretty difficult. Now, if someone wants one and the other wants 10, that is a big difference but if you are both saying 2 or 3, that is easy to work on.
We have friends that knew up front that she didn't want kids but he REALLY did. She compromised and they have 4 kids . He does most of the parenting though. It works for them. They have been married for 16 years.
I see posts every so often about couples who are married, but one wants kids, and the other does not.
My husband and I both knew (well before we got married) that we wanted at LEAST one (actually, we only wanted one for a long time, then several years after our first decided for a second!)
It would seem to me, that this is a pretty big thing to be in consensus about BEFORE you get married. I have an awesome hubby, and love him to pieces, but if he had not wanted children, I would not have married him. I would have waited to find the right man, who I loved, and who shared my desire for kids.
It seems unfair for one person to have to 'give in'- and either have a baby, or not. One of the spouses will always be unhappy, or at least, slightly resentful that they either did not have a kid (and really want one) or resentful that they DID have a kid, and didn't really want one.
Why does it seem that this is not discussed before marriage anymore? Does one think they can 'change' the other's mind?
With my husbands first marriage he was "okay" with not having kids at first (his wife was positive she did not want children). Then, after almost 13 years of marriage he realized he was a "family man with no family" and divorced her. Now she's with a man who is also living the childless (or childfree - whatever you want to call it) lifestyle and my husband and I have a family. We're all happy, living the life that we want.
It would be a dealbreaker for me if my husband (I would have discussed it with him before we became engaged) if he didn't want children. I find it odd when couples don't discuss this topic or if one thinks the other will "change their mind."
I love being a mother but having children is not something that people should just jump into without seriously questioning themselves (actually, they should question everything regarding children).
I see posts every so often about couples who are married, but one wants kids, and the other does not.
My husband and I both knew (well before we got married) that we wanted at LEAST one (actually, we only wanted one for a long time, then several years after our first decided for a second!)
It would seem to me, that this is a pretty big thing to be in consensus about BEFORE you get married. I have an awesome hubby, and love him to pieces, but if he had not wanted children, I would not have married him. I would have waited to find the right man, who I loved, and who shared my desire for kids.
It seems unfair for one person to have to 'give in'- and either have a baby, or not. One of the spouses will always be unhappy, or at least, slightly resentful that they either did not have a kid (and really want one) or resentful that they DID have a kid, and didn't really want one.
Why does it seem that this is not discussed before marriage anymore? Does one think they can 'change' the other's mind?
Whyever would you discuss it? Isn't having kids a given? Aren't you molded into believing that's just part of your life.
Aren't you told from the moment of birth that WHEN you get married, WHEN you have children....it's never IF you get married, IF you have children....
if your spouse, or SO, doesn't want them maybe they're quiet because their choice wouldn't be "falling in line" with the mainstream? Maybe they don't voice their wishes because they may loose the one they love who considers children more important than them? (Although they'd be better off)
Lots of reasons why some don't just stand up and say "I am not interested in
being a parent".
My husband lied. He said he wanted children, because he didn't want me to walk. I learned he even agreed to the dog, because he thought that might prevent me from wanting children. Now I think he feels a bit trapped, because we have two. Nevertheless, he is a good father and loves them dearly. I guess he loves me, because he agreed to the first and the second decided on her own she was showing up.
Generally I have found in my more serious relationships I get to know my boyfriend's views on marriage, politics, religion, parenting, future goals, career etc. Isn't that part of the getting to know someone process? I mean sure life circumstances may alter how things progress but generally people tend to have certain life views that become apparent during the course of a functional relationship. I could never marry someone if I didn't think we would be compatible on some of the more important issues, such as parenting views.
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. He does most of the parenting though. It works for them. They have been married for 16 years.
