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Um, go to work? You know, to provide food, clothes, shelter, transportation, medical care, etc.
Again if you read the post you'd see I said I was speaking in terms of the stay at home parents. The moms who I see spending weekly visits to the spa/getting their nails and hair done etc. Of course I would love to have that ability. I could certainly afford to live that lifestyle and just pamper myself all day. Who wouldn't? That's living in a fantasy world.
My daughter went to public school very shortly in an affluent community and I can't tell you how many kids got dropped off by their nannies. Mommy couldn't afford to wake up that early. Then I'd see those same kids being picked up in the afternoon by mommy with her perfectly coifed hair. We all know whats going on. Those are full time stay at home moms who are part time parents. I know, I was raised by one. My mother went on a 14 day cruise 3 weeks after having my brother... She went on monthly 7 day cruises for years. No matter if we were sick or had a play or a big game. We were left with a Au Pair or grandparent. I never wanted that for my child. I never have been that for my parent.
Not even close... I spend all day every day with my daughter. We do AMAZING things that other kids wish they could do with their parents but instead spend it sitting in a locked school room for half the year. I am selfish on my own time, when my husband has her. I have no apology for that. If I am not of sound mind a and don't get my breaks to pamper myself then I can't be the best for her. My husband and I don't like kids, you're right.. We don't like other peoples kids.. We adore and love ours. In fact I went through 6 rounds of fertility treatments to have her, including losing my first child.
Every waking minute we spend with her (when shes not with friends) taking her on field trips and vacations for family time. We are out every weekend hiking and playing at parks and going to movies and having sleep overs and attending her gymnastics and dance. You have no clue about any of it.
She's homeschooled and I've literally devoted every free minute of my life to being her teacher and mother. So yes I will take any time I can get to myself. We even plan on moving to Europe FOR HER to experience new cultures and places and history. Because of this she's 2 grades of ahead of children her age. It affords her more free time to explore her world without the crushing pressure of state testing and constant barrage of homework. She can just be a kid.
I could talk about how selfish it is of parents to send their kids to public school and get all that free time during the day to themselves. I can't even fathom what I'd do for 7 hours a day and then on Friday complain Monday can't get here fast enough to send them off again. I hear it time and time again, " I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy". Really, you'd go crazy raising your own kid full time like you're suppose to? Talk about selfish and unwanted.
I love how I hear them complain when school is out for the summer and must now spend actual time raising their kids instead of someone else doing it for them 7 hours a day. To avoid that problem they send 6 year old kids off to summer camps to get more free time to themselves (I'm speaking of stay at home parents). The cycle never ends. Kids these days aren't raised at home..
So just know by the time my daughter is 18 and ready to go out on her own I will have spend triple the amount of time being an actual parent and raising my child by myself than those who send them off to schools and such. Having her as an only child allows me the ability to afford and provide the amazing life she has. She wants and needs for nothing. She isn't bored or unsocialized or hated by anyone.
I will not apologize for looking forward to the day I can send her off, proudly, to explore the world on her own and for me to have the opportunity to do so myself.
Blah, blah. I didn't work and homeschooled all three of my kids until they were in high school. It's not that big of a deal and you don't get special points for homeschooling, especially homeschooling just one.
Now that my kids are older, with one in college, I can see very clearly that there are both strong advantages and serious disadvantages to homeschooling, just like there are to anything else. It's not the one best method of child raising.
You should go back and read your previous post and compare to this one. Listen to yourself:
Quote:
I like my sleep, I like peace and quiet, I like doing what I like when I like it. More than one kid doesn't allow that. For the life of me I literally can't see why anyone would want to have more than one.. One is enough aggravation lol. We don't like kids that much. My daughter is 8, mostly independent other than things like cooking.. I like it that way and so does she.
Now all of a sudden you're the gushingest most devoted mother in the universe.
She's homeschooled and I've literally devoted every free minute of my life to being her teacher and mother.
...
We even plan on moving to Europe FOR HER to experience new cultures
...
by the time my daughter is 18 and ready to go out on her own I will have spend triple the amount of time being an actual parent and raising my child by myself
I have yet to read the entire thread, but would like to comment this.
The words like "devote my life"... scare me. "By the time my daughter is 18 and ready to leave..." will mean that you, the mother, who had not other "life" than dissolving in your daughter, will face an existential crisis. Actually, a bit before that, when the adolescence hits the high gears. You might feel it hard to escape blurting out "I devoted my life to you!!! and you!!!"
I see your daughter is only 8. Innocent time, yet. At this age they try, yet, to get your approval.
True, adolescents and young adults will blame you no matter what. In your situation, she might throw in your face "It was too much of you in my life, I grew up too dependent on you, you sheltered me too much, I don't know how to relate to people". In situation with working parents it might be "you were always busy, you were never there for me." But, looking from the parent perspective, it is much easier to weather similar accusations when you have your own life, independent of a child.
Blah, blah. I didn't work and homeschooled all three of my kids until they were in high school. It's not that big of a deal and you don't get special points for homeschooling, especially homeschooling just one.
Now that my kids are older, with one in college, I can see very clearly that there are both strong advantages and serious disadvantages to homeschooling, just like there are to anything else. It's not the one best method of child raising.
You should go back and read your previous post and compare to this one. Listen to yourself:
Now all of a sudden you're the gushingest most devoted mother in the universe.
blah blah blah.. you know nothing about me and what I do.... the internet is just the best place for everyone to assume they know it all... just like you.. Again won't apologize for loving time to myself now looking forward to when my kid is grown and living her life.
Oh and I didn't know this was a competition on who had it worse homeschooling 1 kid vs 3. The question was the the pro/cons on 1 kid vs more. I gave it.
I have yet to read the entire thread, but would like to comment this.
The words like "devote my life"... scare me. "By the time my daughter is 18 and ready to leave..." will mean that you, the mother, who had not other "life" than dissolving in your daughter, will face an existential crisis. Actually, a bit before that, when the adolescence hits the high gears. You might feel it hard to escape blurting out "I devoted my life to you!!! and you!!!"
I see your daughter is only 8. Innocent time, yet. At this age they try, yet, to get your approval.
True, adolescents and young adults will blame you no matter what. In your situation, she might throw in your face "It was too much of you in my life, I grew up too dependent on you, you sheltered me too much, I don't know how to relate to people". In situation with working parents it might be "you were always busy, you were never there for me." But, looking from the parent perspective, it is much easier to weather similar accusations when you have your own life, independent of a child.
I hardly have the "I devoted my life to you" attitude towards her. I said it meaning I'm not some absent parent like people are making me out to be because I said I "don't like kids". There are plenty of people who have kids but don't like kids in a general sense. I dislike infants and toddlers VERY much. I did it already and once was enough. I like the freedom of not being tied down to nap times and diaper changes and feedings. I didn't realize women were suppose to just ADORE that till the end. I don't find getting barfed on and peed on adorable..Sorry I don't.. I'll hold the baby but I enjoy giving it back more.
People always assume homeschooled means sheltered. My daughter spends most weekends visiting at friends homes, cousins homes and grandparents. Shes in gymanstics and dance and pottery. She has more friends of all ages than most kids do in school. She is as far from sheltered as a child can get. Just like any other kid when she gets sick of her parents she goes to her room to play. It makes no difference that I happen to be here with her all day.
. Believe me we do just fine apart also. She's gone on 14 day vacations as young as 4 years old without me and both of us have been juuuuusttt fine. Again, I am looking forward to her being able to be on her own.. to seeing her grow and do the things she enjoys... I don't think its a crime for parents to want to see their kids enjoying their own lives one day and for us to have the ability to do the same. You all are making it like I'm gonna throw her out at 14 the min she can get a job.
I'm looking forward to her discovering life for herself. I had one kid for a reason. To give her my attention and love and care then see her use those skills. I only wanted to do it once. When my job doing that on a full time basis is done I fully plan on traveling for myself and enjoying the things I want to do. Like seeing a movie that isn't a cartoon. There's no crime in that.
Its a no win situation. If I say I want her to live with me forever and ever and I'm just obsessed with her I'm a psycho attached mom stunting her growth. If I say I want her to be on her own and ready for the world at 18 I'm a heartless mother.. The problem is too many judgmental perfect parent people thinking they know whats best.
No one set out with the purpose of picking on Sweetbottoms, it's just that you are busily contradicting yourself in the most manic way and making yourself hard to ignore.
Quote:
We are out every weekend hiking and playing at parks and going to movies and having sleep overs and attending her gymnastics and dance.
Quote:
My daughter spends most weekends visiting at friends homes, cousins homes and grandparents.
Its a no win situation. If I say I want her to live with me forever and ever and I'm just obsessed with her I'm a psycho attached mom stunting her growth. If I say I want her to be on her own and ready for the world at 18 I'm a heartless mother.. The problem is too many judgmental perfect parent people thinking they know whats best.
Between the two evils, I'd pick the lesser one: being left to my own devices, and pushed out at 18. Why? My parents were very overprotective, and kept a tight leash on my life; basically, micromanaged me, to borrow a work term. I can't fault them for it: I was their only child. But I think it impaired my dating life and my social life, and at the critical years to boot. When most people my age were truly finding themselves, for me, it was too much hassle having to fight tooth and nail for every bit of freedom. It's one of the reasons why I decided to never have kids. I feel like I'm still making up for lost time, mainly though my Meetup groups. Which are the best of both worlds: the fun of 20-somethings and the rationality of 30-somethings.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-21-2017 at 11:09 AM..
People like to romanticize things. Not all sibling relationships are copacetic. You're in a way forcing two distinct human beings to coexist with each other 24/7 and whether blood related or not, that can be a challenge. Especially if the preferred sex is not their sibling, lol. I'm fortunate in that a) my oldest daughter really desired a sister, b) I was blessed and had another girl, and c) they both get along pretty well and it's not forced. I don't think it would matter too much if I had a boy but it just worked out that I didn't (she likes bonding with other girls).
My mother and her three sisters, while loving each other as sisters, do not get along and they're in their sixties. At least my mother and two of them. That's just how it works. The adults in their lives helped sow seeds of discord by categorizing each girl and playing favorites, and what does one expect?
I'm an only child and I was fine growing up. I didn't lack for anything. I had a great childhood.
You should only have as many kids as you can afford and emotionally handle. Childrearing is serious business and if one is a challenge, then two are doubly so. And as a parent of multiple children, I can tell you even accidentally playing favorites can make a difference. You don't have two kids so that "they have each other". You don't have two kids to prolong your child-rearing years. You don't have two kids because you hope to get your preferred gender. The same can be said of getting multiple pets, or anything else.
Back to what the OP was saying about is OH and her expectations for a $20k wedding and annual overseas trip...
Again, I admit that I'm worried for the situation and longevity of the relationship as these obviously aren't common goals/expectations.
My own husband and I are very different in a lot of ways- our personalities, interests, temperaments and even our political leanings are polar opposite.
But it all works, ultimately because we have common goals and many common values. We want a comfortable, happy life for our children and ourselves, but have no delusions of grandeur or extravagant expectations that exceed our income. We are both realistic when it comes to financial matters.
Her expectations and your disagreeance with them prove that there is a stark difference in your outlook and priorities.
As you are 40, it truly does sound like you're settling because she ticks some boxes, plus being the mother of your child.
Disclaimer: this is anecdotal information. Also, for simplicity's sake, the pronoun "he" will be used throughout. Feel free to mentally substitute it with "she" or "xe" as you see fit.
I think having an only child is a big, big, BIG disservice to that child. I'll break it down item by item.
1) Loneliness. An only child has no one to play with at home. Adults are usually busy with their jobs, maintaining the home, and their own personal problems. A child wanting to play a silly game (like running around the room) is dead-last on their priority list. And the child's friends only go so far. They have their own lives to worry about, and aren't available outside the "visiting hours", the very times when loneliness often hits the hardest.
2) Crossfire. Parents fight. It's just the nature of the beast. But if a child has sibling(s), he and his sibling can band together to verbally comfort each other, or at least engage in a group game to distract themselves. But an only child is in the crossfire of his parents' fighting, with his pleads "stop fighting!" falling on deaf ears. After all, one child has zero leverage over two adults who couldn't care less how their child feels about seeing them fight.
3) Laser focus. Because there is only one child to raise, all the attention is on him. His physical milestones, his grades in school, his talents, his actions, everything. Allegedly, it's for his own good. But oftentimes, it's very exhausting for the child to constantly work hard to meet his parents' expectations. A sibling, especially a younger sibling, can draw away some of that attention, giving the remaining child some breathing room. Even a pet can do that.
4) Lack of allies. An only child is just that: the only child in the house. Which means when it comes to taking sides in disagreements, there is no one to take his side, period! Adults outside the nuclear family will oftentimes side with the parents, rather than with the child, simply because the parents are closer to them in age, and are therefore easier to relate to. But an only child will feel "alone", even while living with family members.
5) Bottom of totem pole. As the only child, he's the youngest in the house. Which means he has to answer to everyone else, even if for "good" reasons like meals and bedtimes; at the same time, no one answers to him. A dog or cat can mitigate this, but not all parents like pets. In which case, it's only a matter of time until the child's self-esteem tanks. Having gotten used to always being the subordinate, he will struggle in the working world.
I was an only child who experienced all of the above. Result? My whole family is reaping what they sow. How? Having been burned by family life as an only child, I've fervently embraced MGTOW (google it), and want nothing to do with any kind of romantic relationships. To the point of rejecting all women who show interest in being my girlfriend, due to the possibility of them wanting a family down the road.
I agree.
My information was anecdotal, but yours is first hand.
This is a stressful position to put any child in, and it is preventable. How?
1. Have no children or have several. Being a childless couple is fine. I know of MANY couples who married and never had children.
2. If you decide to have one child, have more. Biologically or by adoption.
3.Half siblings don't count. If one of you have a child who is ten or more years older than the child YOU may regard it as a sibling, but unless they grew up together, in the same home, they will NOT think of themselves as "siblings".
Generally, if half siblings share the same MOTHER, and grew up in the same home, and do not have many years between them, they will think of themselves as siblings.
YOU will think of all of them as your children, but unless they wake up in the same house together, they will not think of them selves as siblings. Maybe relatives, maybe not.
4. Don't have a "vanity child" or "trophy child". I have seen this before. One of the parents has a child to satisfy a narcissistic need - usually each parent wants "only one" of the same gender. Once that vanity child is born, they decide that this is "enough" children. The spouse may or may not agree.
This puts a huge amount of stress on the child, who never asked to be born, and often must put up with constant bickering from the parent who wanted more children.
DO NOT DO this to a child. It is not fair.
Have one? Have two or more. Or have none. Very simple.
I have never met a person who was glad that they were an only child.
If you know of a "happy only child" and I am sure that they do exist, I believe you. However, it's not the rule. It's an anomaly.
Being an only child effects not only your childhood, but the rest of one's life. - There is elder care to consider, and a myriad of other lifelong burdens to think about, that are best shared by two or more.
I grew up with sisters. We aren't particularly close now, but I'm glad they were there. We had someone to play with on rainy days, someone to watch cartoons with on Saturday morning, and awaken with to the wonders of Christmas morning. We went on family trips together, went Trick or Treating, explored the woods behind the house, and walked home from the bus stop together.
My half brother is 28 years old, spoiled, and unhappy. When my father died last Christmas, we all lost touch with him and with his older mother.
That was my stepmother's child to "seal the deal" with my father financially.
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