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Old 12-15-2017, 10:08 AM
6,774 posts, read 7,485,434 times
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Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
All the pressure...other than actually carrying and birthing the child And presumably she does at least half the childcare.
actually i do more of it as i work from home and from a tax POV , it suits us better for her to go out and work
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Old 12-15-2017, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
I know people who grew up as an only child who are spoiled rotten jerks and the world revolves around them. I also know people who grew up as an only child who are very giving and take care of others. Most of it is how you are raised. Sure there's a bad egg once in awhile, but there's usually numerous warning signs that someone is off kilter.

If your wife is assuming that if she has a daughter, the daughter will grow up and be super close to her like she is with her mom, she's asking for a lifetime of heartache. Having another child has zero guarantee of a girl. If it's another boy? Will she want more? If you have a daughter, they may fight like crazy and just not get along even into adulthood. They could be exact opposites and have no common interests. She really needs to get this fairy tale out of her head where a daughter will be her BFF.
look , i have no doubt she would welcome another son too , maybe you change but i dont have any feelings which are strong about having another child , i never for one second felt unhappy about my son being on the way , it was all good from start to finish and after he was born , i feel content with what we have , i even wonder would i care about a second child as much as i do our only son ? , that would be unfair on the kid

going back to the massive gulf in wealth between us , i honestly dont think she would leave me over this , she needs me too much
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Old 12-15-2017, 10:33 AM
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My wife and I are in the camp of wanting only one child, and that has been 100 percent the right decision for us personally. Our 4 year old daughter is caring, empathetic and unselfish (as 4 year olds go!) and gets tons of attention from her parents and we go out of our way to make sure that she constantly does play dates and has lots of socialization and team activities. Other people cannot imagine having only one child and it's entirely a personal choice.

From our perspective, we never wanted a large family and ours felt complete as soon as she was born. My wife and I both work full time and felt like from a resources perspective (time, energy and money), we would rather dedicate it all to her than divide it among several children. We absolutely love to travel and our daughter has wander lust even at this very young age, and we've taken her to Italy, Greece, Norway, California, etc. It is much, much easier (and less expensive) to travel with one child than with multiple children. And we also feel like with one child we can afford to pay for college and summer camp, etc., whereas that would likely not be possible if our monetary resources are further divided.

Again, it's a highly personal choice but for our family one and done was definitely the right move.
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Old 12-15-2017, 10:45 AM
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Your repeated emphasis on the "massive gulf in wealth between us" is more than a little unsettling to me, and this is coming from a woman who has always made considerably more than her husband. I bet you don't let her forget that for a moment.

You better get a bead on this situation before that "massive gulf" is not so massive when child support payments come into the picture. You two are nowhere near on the same page.
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Old 12-15-2017, 10:50 AM
Location: The New England part of Ohio
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Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post

ive never posted in this particular section of this site before

anyway , myself and my partner have a sixteen month old boy , he is the best thing to ever happen to either of us , however , i would be content to leave it at that , my partner is upset as she wants another one but would be happy to just have two , i suspect she is hoping for a girl as she has such a close relationship with her own mother

i really have no desire for another child , the only reason i would see having another is that my son would not grow up an only child , you hear stories about how some people who are an only child , end up resenting their parents because of it , i have one brother and three sisters so i cannot imagine what its like not to be raised in an active and noisy home

is it an inherently selfish act towards my son ?

Completely anecdotal information from my own experience. While I have met only children who are well adjusted, I've never met one who was happy that they had no siblings.

This choice has life long ramifications. You're son is 16 months old now. He fills up the house and he's at a very fun age. Thing of him at 9. Glued to his video games. Or at 16, out of the house more than in. When he's home, he'll likely be in his bedroom.

Later, he could marry or partner with a larger family. Pretty much any family will be larger and more fun than yours. He could easily become engulfed in that family. You and your partner will see little of him. I have a feeling she won't be very happy about that.

Then there is the issue of extended family. Your son will have no blood nieces and nephews. You will have fewer grandchildren.

I know this all seems very far off now, but trust me time flies. Suddenly he'll be entering school and will be surrounded by children who have siblings. He will feel the difference and the pain.

You asked my opinion and here you have it.

In my own experience, we waited too long to have our first. When I tried to have a second, I discovered that I had pre-mature ovarian failure. We adopted internationally so that our son would not be an only child.

Have a second. Think about a third. - Just my opinion.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Completely anecdotal information from my own experience. While I have met only children who are well adjusted, I've never met one who was happy that they had no siblings.
Come on now. Openly saying "I'm happy that I have no siblings" is obviously not a socially acceptable thing to say, any more than it is for a child with a disabled or troubled sibling to say that he/she wishes that the sibling did not exist. I know plenty of only children who had very, very happy childhoods and if they had a choice, would not sign up for adding another person to the mix and dividing their parents' resources in terms of energy, time and money. And not everyone wants a large extended family. I have plenty of people in my extended family whom I wish did not exist; that's for sure.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:16 AM
Location: Metairie, LA
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I have one sibling and my wife is an only child. We had our first child 3 years ago and have resigned ourselves to one. My wife wanted 2, but medical issues during the pregnancy have eliminated the option and adopting is ridiculously expensive. I was always fine with one. We were married 7 years prior and were always: "if" we have a kid as opposed to "when".

My sister is 4 years younger and we were never all that close growing up. I had my friends, she had hers. We fought more than anything, but once we each moved out of our parents house we got along a lot better. Now she's 500 miles away and I may see her 4 days out of the year.

There is the parental fantasy of their kids playing together and becoming best buds, everyone spending time with each other, having large family gatherings once they're grown and parents themselves. That is far from a guarantee. I think the kids have to be very close in age and the same sex to really have a chance at that close bond.

Aside from all that, kids are expensive today and many more sacrifices are required as the family gets bigger. Not just for you, but the kids as well.

Last edited by rburnett; 12-15-2017 at 11:32 AM..
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Old 12-15-2017, 12:15 PM
Location: Crook County, Illinois
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Disclaimer: this is anecdotal information. Also, for simplicity's sake, the pronoun "he" will be used throughout. Feel free to mentally substitute it with "she" or "xe" as you see fit.

I think having an only child is a big, big, BIG disservice to that child. I'll break it down item by item.

1) Loneliness. An only child has no one to play with at home. Adults are usually busy with their jobs, maintaining the home, and their own personal problems. A child wanting to play a silly game (like running around the room) is dead-last on their priority list. And the child's friends only go so far. They have their own lives to worry about, and aren't available outside the "visiting hours", the very times when loneliness often hits the hardest.

2) Crossfire. Parents fight. It's just the nature of the beast. But if a child has sibling(s), he and his sibling can band together to verbally comfort each other, or at least engage in a group game to distract themselves. But an only child is in the crossfire of his parents' fighting, with his pleads "stop fighting!" falling on deaf ears. After all, one child has zero leverage over two adults who couldn't care less how their child feels about seeing them fight.

3) Laser focus. Because there is only one child to raise, all the attention is on him. His physical milestones, his grades in school, his talents, his actions, everything. Allegedly, it's for his own good. But oftentimes, it's very exhausting for the child to constantly work hard to meet his parents' expectations. A sibling, especially a younger sibling, can draw away some of that attention, giving the remaining child some breathing room. Even a pet can do that.

4) Lack of allies. An only child is just that: the only child in the house. Which means when it comes to taking sides in disagreements, there is no one to take his side, period! Adults outside the nuclear family will oftentimes side with the parents, rather than with the child, simply because the parents are closer to them in age, and are therefore easier to relate to. But an only child will feel "alone", even while living with family members.

5) Bottom of totem pole. As the only child, he's the youngest in the house. Which means he has to answer to everyone else, even if for "good" reasons like meals and bedtimes; at the same time, no one answers to him. A dog or cat can mitigate this, but not all parents like pets. In which case, it's only a matter of time until the child's self-esteem tanks. Having gotten used to always being the subordinate, he will struggle in the working world.

I was an only child who experienced all of the above. Result? My whole family is reaping what they sow. How? Having been burned by family life as an only child, I've fervently embraced MGTOW (google it), and want nothing to do with any kind of romantic relationships. To the point of rejecting all women who show interest in being my girlfriend, due to the possibility of them wanting a family down the road.
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Old 12-15-2017, 12:37 PM
Location: San Antonio (outside 1604)
44 posts, read 71,210 times
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Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
...going back to the massive gulf in wealth between us , i honestly dont think she would leave me over this , she needs me too much

I wouldn't be too sure about that...
Your partner just may find a wealthy man who doesn't treat her like she is less worthy.
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Old 12-15-2017, 12:52 PM
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I'm a singleton and can agree with the negative aspects posted above by MU. For me the pressure of excelling was particularly difficult. And my mom was a local teacher so the pressure was even magnified, I think. But I'd like to add some positives of being an only child to balance out the view.

I became very skilled at amusing myself without needing to depend on others for my entertainment. I'm still that way and rarely in my life have I experienced boredom. There are a million interesting things to do. It was an opportunity to develop an active imagination and an independent attitude.

I had the luxury of peace and quiet without siblings squabbling or interfering with my belongings. That meant I had an opportunity to de-stress after school.

I became comfortable with adult conversation at an early age and I did a lot of reading when I was alone which improved my vocabulary, spelling and enriched my life experience.

Without competition I developed a very close relationship with both my parents. That's probably the part that made it the most difficult to be an only child as well because when it came time to deal with end of life issues I had no help and the loss was particularly painful.

But who am I to know? Maybe it's as difficult for some people with many brothers and sisters to lose their parents. And I have been told by many people that just having a sibling doesn't guarantee that you will get help dealing with your parents' illness/death.

One thing I'm particularly grateful for, after hearing tragic stories about squabbling over inheritance, is that I didn't have to deal with that. Or what treatments to okay for my parents. Or how to go about selling the house.

Now I will tell you that when it came time to plan a family I was determined to have at least two children. You can draw your own conclusions about whether the pros outweighed the cons for me.

In the end, I don't think it matters much. None of us can plan out our children's lives to be problem free. We see what they need and try to give them the tools to handle it. The rest is up to them.
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