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Old Yesterday, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
2,104 posts, read 755,400 times
Reputation: 2446

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
I became very skilled at amusing myself without needing to depend on others for my entertainment. I'm still that way and rarely in my life have I experienced boredom. There are a million interesting things to do. It was an opportunity to develop an active imagination and an independent attitude.
I did too, although I had the luxury of video games. To this day, I'm very comfortable living alone, even more than a decade after moving out of my parents' home. And I will absolutely never live with a significant other, although I'll bite the bullet and live with roommates, male or female, if my finances dictate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
I had the luxury of peace and quiet without siblings squabbling or interfering with my belongings. That meant I had an opportunity to de-stress after school.
Meh. I was either all alone or under a stern watchful eye, every day after school. I would have sold my soul to have a like-minded sibling to shoot the breeze with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
I became comfortable with adult conversation at an early age and I did a lot of reading when I was alone which improved my vocabulary, spelling and enriched my life experience.
This actually hurt me. Because I spent 90% of time around adults, my vocabulary became too advanced for my own good, and no adult corrected me when I spoke "too advanced". As a result, it impaired my popularity in elementary school, until I got good at adjusting my vocabulary with kids. I even briefly got in trouble with my kindergarten teacher, when I told her I felt "depressed", rather than "sad".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
Without competition I developed a very close relationship with both my parents. That's probably the part that made it the most difficult to be an only child as well because when it came time to deal with end of life issues I had no help and the loss was particularly painful.
Because of my parents' strictness, true closeness never really developed. I didn't have the luxury of friendship-like sharing that only children often engage in, because I never knew how they'd react. Today, I got over myself and developed some form of closeness, although moving out played a huge part in that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
But who am I to know? Maybe it's as difficult for some people with many brothers and sisters to lose their parents. And I have been told by many people that just having a sibling doesn't guarantee that you will get help dealing with your parents' illness/death.

One thing I'm particularly grateful for, after hearing tragic stories about squabbling over inheritance, is that I didn't have to deal with that. Or what treatments to okay for my parents. Or how to go about selling the house.
I haven't yet had to worry about it, outside of reading up on inheritance laws in my state. I'll cross that bridge when I get there, which I hope won't be anytime soon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
Now I will tell you that when it came time to plan a family I was determined to have at least two children. You can draw your own conclusions about whether the pros outweighed the cons for me.
I firmly decided to be childfree. My childhood dream was to have 5 kids, although it was before I knew how much toll a pregnancy and birth can take on a woman's body. And stork's wingspan isn't big enough to transport 5 babies at once . I'm 34 now, so if I meet someone next year, I'll be at least 36 when my first kid is born. If the first kid won't be twins, I'll probably be at least 38 when I have my second kid. Which means my kids will still be young adults when they'll have to deal with the tragedy of losing me. But it's all a moot point, anyway: in order to have a kid, I have to get into a live-in romantic relationship, which I want nothing to do with in the first place.

Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; Yesterday at 02:25 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 02:26 PM
 
6,309 posts, read 6,745,603 times
Reputation: 3842
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Completely anecdotal information from my own experience. While I have met only children who are well adjusted, I've never met one who was happy that they had no siblings.

This choice has life long ramifications. You're son is 16 months old now. He fills up the house and he's at a very fun age. Thing of him at 9. Glued to his video games. Or at 16, out of the house more than in. When he's home, he'll likely be in his bedroom.

Later, he could marry or partner with a larger family. Pretty much any family will be larger and more fun than yours. He could easily become engulfed in that family. You and your partner will see little of him. I have a feeling she won't be very happy about that.

Then there is the issue of extended family. Your son will have no blood nieces and nephews. You will have fewer grandchildren.

I know this all seems very far off now, but trust me time flies. Suddenly he'll be entering school and will be surrounded by children who have siblings. He will feel the difference and the pain.

You asked my opinion and here you have it.

In my own experience, we waited too long to have our first. When I tried to have a second, I discovered that I had pre-mature ovarian failure. We adopted internationally so that our son would not be an only child.

Have a second. Think about a third. - Just my opinion.
thank you !

very good post , my partner is unwilling to make sacrafices or prioritise , she wants it all and if she cant have it all , she sulks like a child , when we met , she had so little money , she had to take out a loan to buy a second hand car when her own car got destroyed in a storm , this despite the fact she was living with her mother and paying no rent , she has spent at least 2 k down the years on shoes and cannot save a penny to save her life , her own mother is very entitled as well so i can see where she gets it , which is why i am reluctant to have more kids , i feel the financial demands will become too much
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Old Yesterday, 03:41 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,154 posts, read 2,435,523 times
Reputation: 8368
The way you talk about your wife, the mother of your child, is atrocious.
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Old Yesterday, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Centre of the continent
249 posts, read 73,349 times
Reputation: 979
The only reason I can think of for you to have a second child is that if they like each other there's a possibility they can console each other during the divorce. You clearly have zero respect for your partner.

My kid grew up an only, and there were a few times during her life that she actually thanked us for that. She loves people, is in a long term adult relationship, is gainfully employed, and all of that. Not a bitter lonely spoiled sort.

I grew up lonely in a family with 4 kids.
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Old Yesterday, 04:38 PM
 
4,025 posts, read 2,344,476 times
Reputation: 9208
I have six siblings. All of us have children (I have three). So my kids not only have each other, they have their extended family: cousins. My experience both as a sister and a mother have convinced me that siblings and cousins who are raised close to each other, "get" each other in a unique way, and those relationships are irreplaceable. Could you replicate such relationships if you have an only child? Maybe, if you have very close friends that you spend tons of time with, and who vow never to move away or lose touch, but I think it would be difficult.

I lost my mother almost 16 years ago, and my father is 93 and failing. I can hardly imagine being an only child, and the only one in the world left who experienced being part of "our family" or "our childhood." It would be incredibly lonely. About the only good thing would be that when you finally lose both parents, you inherit everything. If that's what matters most to you.

And I can add that you do not need to worry that you wouldn't love a second child as much as the first. Love for your children is not zero-sum. There is always enough to go around.

Having said all that, you, OP, don't seem to be in a good place with your wife and I would also be reluctant to bring more children into the equation with all that you have going on.
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Old Yesterday, 04:40 PM
 
1,465 posts, read 704,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
The way you talk about your wife, the mother of your child, is atrocious.
Makes you wonder why he married her or even had a child with her- since he's so 'superior'.
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Old Yesterday, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
7,368 posts, read 1,880,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
Having my first baby was traumatic enough (emergency c-section, spinal migraine, baby in NICU for several weeks) that I didn't think I'd ever be brave enough to do it again. A couple of years later I got pregnant again and it was unplanned, but it really completed our family. I can't imagine not having my youngest daughter.


Agreed! OP, your son is only 16 months old. Everything is still new to you. In a few years you might feel completely different! I got pregnant again when my first child was 19 months. I thought there is no way I can take care of 2! Well, of course I could and I did. And to be honest, I'm glad they have each other to play with! OP, no need to make drastic decisions right away. Enjoy your son and re-evaluate in a few years!
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Old Yesterday, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
7,368 posts, read 1,880,854 times
Reputation: 7602
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
look , i have no doubt she would welcome another son too , maybe you change but i dont have any feelings which are strong about having another child , i never for one second felt unhappy about my son being on the way , it was all good from start to finish and after he was born , i feel content with what we have , i even wonder would i care about a second child as much as i do our only son ? , that would be unfair on the kid

going back to the massive gulf in wealth between us , i honestly dont think she would leave me over this , she needs me too much
It's hard to imagine yourself loving another child as much as you do your first, but trust me you do!!
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Old Yesterday, 11:33 PM
 
641 posts, read 515,005 times
Reputation: 875
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
look , i have no doubt she would welcome another son too , maybe you change but i dont have any feelings which are strong about having another child , i never for one second felt unhappy about my son being on the way , it was all good from start to finish and after he was born , i feel content with what we have , i even wonder would i care about a second child as much as i do our only son ? , that would be unfair on the kid

going back to the massive gulf in wealth between us , i honestly dont think she would leave me over this , she needs me too much
Wow, just wow.. this isn't a parenting issue at all. You need to figure out your relationship. You don't seem to talk about the wife/partner with any kind of love or even like. Things like the wealth disparity shouldn't really be part of the discussion IMHO. You frankly sound like 2 people that decided to have a child and co-parenting together rather than a couple. And to think you should have the final say because you have more money? Is this for real?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Old Yesterday, 11:38 PM
 
1,940 posts, read 615,146 times
Reputation: 2199
as a parent of an only child, I can tell you first hand, our kid is missing someone on his life. friends, classmates, cousins do not make up for someone living, breathing, growing up with you daily. siblings learn to fight and figure out life from each other, and feel they have someone other than dad and mom to depend on. some say having kids 2-3 years apart is ideal. dont procrastinate and just let it happen. You may regret, in the future, of not having that second child.

God forbid something happens to that only child, and no one is left! what happens if that only child chooses not to have a family? what happens in the event of serious illness. you also don't want to be in your 40s , and then decide to try and have another. IDK about you, but I see having kids forces parents to be more responsible, more humble, more appreciative of life in general. A child is a true expression of love for your spouse, and just adds to the family portfolio.

If your wife is willing, and it is what she wants, have fun making it happen. practice makes perfect. at least one more will leave her with no regrets.
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