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Old 12-15-2017, 11:07 PM
 
3,974 posts, read 1,649,427 times
Reputation: 9968

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Sounds like there is already two kids and one teen in the relationship. Hint:the teens female

I will agree on one point. The guy does get shafted on the parent support ..Or as others say 'child support'. So it's realistic to consider that as it's doubtful this relationship will make it to kindergarten.

And yes..Your reasoning is self serving..Which a healthy relationship is 'us' serving. The good of the whole.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:36 AM
 
6,529 posts, read 7,081,452 times
Reputation: 3989
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
The way you talk about your wife, the mother of your child, is atrocious.
i love her very much but she is a terrible money manager , its a regrettable fact

i recently bought her a car as she was struggling with the loan on the car she bought three years ago , she then sold her own car and cleared off the loan

she is thirty six years old and has almost no savings , so our kids education etc will need to be completely financed by me , its cheaper to fund all this for one than two

might sound hard but these are practical realities
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Old 12-16-2017, 08:50 AM
 
1,965 posts, read 941,179 times
Reputation: 3816
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
hi

ive never posted in this particular section of this site before

anyway , myself and my partner have a sixteen month old boy , he is the best thing to ever happen to either of us , however , i would be content to leave it at that , my partner is upset as she wants another one but would be happy to just have two , i suspect she is hoping for a girl as she has such a close relationship with her own mother

i really have no desire for another child , the only reason i would see having another is that my son would not grow up an only child , you hear stories about how some people who are an only child , end up resenting their parents because of it , i have one brother and three sisters so i cannot imagine what its like not to be raised in an active and noisy home

is it an inherently selfish act towards my son ?
Hi Bob. I am an only child.

For most of my life, I was perfectly content being an only child. Growing up, my parents and I were able to take more and better vacations without the expense of another child, the money spent on me wasn't split with another sibling, etc. I never missed having another child in the house to play with, I had plenty of friends.

As I got older though, I began to see things in a more practical light. My mother was one of four children, she had a twin sister, and two older brothers. As time went on, eventually, their mother, my grandmother, became too old to care for herself anymore, and she moved in with my parents. My mother got lots of help from her sister, and her brothers were able to help out financially with whatever was needed. When my grandmother died, they all had each other to lean on in her absence. I thought about much harder it will be for me to lose my parents, without any siblings to be able to commiserate with.

Fast forward a decade, and my mother and my aunt have both died. My aunt had two children, and while we are all going through this at the same time, for the first time in my life, I really wish I had a brother or sister, as I don't have anyone who knows my mother like I do. My cousins, they have each other, their mother's death hits them the same way. And now, there's two of them who can look after their dad. With my dad, it's just me, and that's a lot to put on one person. I know I won't be able to look after him as well as my mother did. Having a brother or sister would go a long way towards making this process easier I think.

At any rate, I have one child of my own, and we can't have another due to medical reasons. I'm starting to think that we might have made a mistake by not having another while we had the chance, simply because I don't want my daughter to feel as overwhelmed as I do now when losing a parent. I'd like if she had a sibling who would be there for her.

Anyway, just wanted to give you some perspective and things to think about.
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Old 12-16-2017, 09:34 AM
 
4,714 posts, read 2,768,498 times
Reputation: 11308
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
i love her very much but she is a terrible money manager , its a regrettable fact

i recently bought her a car as she was struggling with the loan on the car she bought three years ago , she then sold her own car and cleared off the loan

she is thirty six years old and has almost no savings , so our kids education etc will need to be completely financed by me , its cheaper to fund all this for one than two

might sound hard but these are practical realities
The bottom line is that you are resenting being the primary (or only) breadwinner for your family. You are looking down on your wife because you make money and she doesn't. In fact, are you two actually married? I can't recall that you ever called her your wife.

I'm married and have three kids. I have stayed home with the kids since the first was born; my husband works full-time. It's true, he makes the vast majority of our money, but we are a pair. I don't ask him to give me money or buy me things; he doesn't grudgingly agree to pay for the children's needs; it all belongs to both of us. Back when I did work outside the home, we didn't separate out "his money" and "my money," it was all OUR money. This feeling of being in it together is what you are missing in your relationship.

The fact that the things I do for our family do not, for the most part, earn money, does not make them less valuable, and does not make me the lesser partner. So in your family, you earn and manage the money. That's great. What does your partner do? What is she contributing? Does she take care of your son (a full-time job in itself), do the shopping, cook, clean the house? Anything? Try focusing on what she IS contributing and not what she ISN'T.
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Old 12-16-2017, 11:19 AM
 
2,982 posts, read 2,950,773 times
Reputation: 7054
This is a really tough one. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted before starting your family together? Unless there are really strong reasons on your part not to (bad health, extreme poverty, old age), and you two had agreed on two or more children, I think you should go ahead and have the second. If your marriage is on shaky ground, do NOT have the second - it will not save it, and then there will be two kids to support, and to mess up.

If you guys had talked about only one, or if the first was an oops when you never intended to have kids, then I think it is reasonable for you to say, one's enough.

Think of it this way: Can you deal better with having a second than she can deal with NOT having a second?
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Old 12-16-2017, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
2,555 posts, read 973,061 times
Reputation: 3119
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This is a really tough one. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted before starting your family together? Unless there are really strong reasons on your part not to (bad health, extreme poverty, old age), and you two had agreed on two or more children, I think you should go ahead and have the second.
The best number of kids to have is three or more. At least as long as they're close enough in age to prevent the middle kid from always getting shafted. Unfortunately, such a family is not economically possible for most people in today's society.

Why? Because one child is just one person. Two children are one person plus one person. But three (or more) children are a group of people. They're like "family within a family", with their own rules, rituals, and values. Parents can return to their roots of providing food, clothes, and shelter; there's less need to provide entertainment and social development. The siblings provide the entertainment and social development for each other, in ways that adults can never replicate.
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Old 12-16-2017, 11:57 AM
Status: "Springtime in the Rockies" (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
82,798 posts, read 95,258,752 times
Reputation: 29381
Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
The bottom line is that you are resenting being the primary (or only) breadwinner for your family. You are looking down on your wife because you make money and she doesn't. In fact, are you two actually married? I can't recall that you ever called her your wife.

I'm married and have three kids. I have stayed home with the kids since the first was born; my husband works full-time. It's true, he makes the vast majority of our money, but we are a pair. I don't ask him to give me money or buy me things; he doesn't grudgingly agree to pay for the children's needs; it all belongs to both of us. Back when I did work outside the home, we didn't separate out "his money" and "my money," it was all OUR money. This feeling of being in it together is what you are missing in your relationship.

The fact that the things I do for our family do not, for the most part, earn money, does not make them less valuable, and does not make me the lesser partner. So in your family, you earn and manage the money. That's great. What does your partner do? What is she contributing? Does she take care of your son (a full-time job in itself), do the shopping, cook, clean the house? Anything? Try focusing on what she IS contributing and not what she ISN'T.
I, too, got the impression the OP and his partner are not married. Usually if you're married, you refer to the other person as "spouse", "wife" or give some indication you are married. Oh, well.

We manage(d) our money like you do. For many years I worked just very part-time (like one day a week) and I took off several years when our kids were born. Later, I worked FT again, but always, the money was "ours".

I definitely agree with your conclusion.

PS: For you "onlies" who are so glad there was no fight over the inheritance-It doesn't happen that way in every family. My mom (last to die) had a will that gave her estate equally to my brother and me and that's how we divided it. My MIL just died this fall, and left her estate in equal parts to her three kids. Is there any other way when it's that cut and dried?

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This is a really tough one. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted before starting your family together? Unless there are really strong reasons on your part not to (bad health, extreme poverty, old age), and you two had agreed on two or more children, I think you should go ahead and have the second. If your marriage is on shaky ground, do NOT have the second - it will not save it, and then there will be two kids to support, and to mess up.

If you guys had talked about only one, or if the first was an oops when you never intended to have kids, then I think it is reasonable for you to say, one's enough.

Think of it this way: Can you deal better with having a second than she can deal with NOT having a second?
Do some people really do that? For us, it was just sort of divined that we wanted at least two. (That's how many we had.) For another thing, it doesn't matter whether they had that discussion or not and what everyone agreed to; she wants another, he doesn't. That's what they have to work out.
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:37 PM
 
Location: The sleepy part of New York City
1,827 posts, read 908,472 times
Reputation: 3947
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
i love her very much but she is a terrible money manager , its a regrettable fact

i recently bought her a car as she was struggling with the loan on the car she bought three years ago , she then sold her own car and cleared off the loan

she is thirty six years old and has almost no savings , so our kids education etc will need to be completely financed by me , its cheaper to fund all this for one than two

might sound hard but these are practical realities
wow.. I get that you don't want another child now because it's time consuming and expensive but jeesh.. are you guys really partners in this relationship or room mates who had a child together? You're so focused on how much she financially needs you that it's starting to get creepy, and if you're so financially sound that she'd never survive without you like you claim... why is she working?

In answer to your question about having another... I'd suggest you tell her it's too soon. Your son is still too young and needs too much care and attention. With you working from home it's too much for you. You never know how you'll feel in a year or so and even might want to have another... that's if your relationship survives. I wouldn't be happy living with a person who constantly reminds me that I need him financially.
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:05 PM
 
568 posts, read 159,429 times
Reputation: 652
OP, in all your work experiences, you can spot an only, ditto for the children that come to your child's birthday party, even teachers can tell. Right, wrong or indifferent, it's a truth. And realize there are far worse situations. Regardless, quality over quantity.
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:17 PM
 
6,529 posts, read 7,081,452 times
Reputation: 3989
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katana49 View Post
Hi Bob. I am an only child.

For most of my life, I was perfectly content being an only child. Growing up, my parents and I were able to take more and better vacations without the expense of another child, the money spent on me wasn't split with another sibling, etc. I never missed having another child in the house to play with, I had plenty of friends.

As I got older though, I began to see things in a more practical light. My mother was one of four children, she had a twin sister, and two older brothers. As time went on, eventually, their mother, my grandmother, became too old to care for herself anymore, and she moved in with my parents. My mother got lots of help from her sister, and her brothers were able to help out financially with whatever was needed. When my grandmother died, they all had each other to lean on in her absence. I thought about much harder it will be for me to lose my parents, without any siblings to be able to commiserate with.

Fast forward a decade, and my mother and my aunt have both died. My aunt had two children, and while we are all going through this at the same time, for the first time in my life, I really wish I had a brother or sister, as I don't have anyone who knows my mother like I do. My cousins, they have each other, their mother's death hits them the same way. And now, there's two of them who can look after their dad. With my dad, it's just me, and that's a lot to put on one person. I know I won't be able to look after him as well as my mother did. Having a brother or sister would go a long way towards making this process easier I think.

At any rate, I have one child of my own, and we can't have another due to medical reasons. I'm starting to think that we might have made a mistake by not having another while we had the chance, simply because I don't want my daughter to feel as overwhelmed as I do now when losing a parent. I'd like if she had a sibling who would be there for her.

Anyway, just wanted to give you some perspective and things to think about.
thank you

thanks for sharing that experience
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