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Old 12-16-2017, 01:20 PM
 
6,739 posts, read 7,457,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
The bottom line is that you are resenting being the primary (or only) breadwinner for your family. You are looking down on your wife because you make money and she doesn't. In fact, are you two actually married? I can't recall that you ever called her your wife.

I'm married and have three kids. I have stayed home with the kids since the first was born; my husband works full-time. It's true, he makes the vast majority of our money, but we are a pair. I don't ask him to give me money or buy me things; he doesn't grudgingly agree to pay for the children's needs; it all belongs to both of us. Back when I did work outside the home, we didn't separate out "his money" and "my money," it was all OUR money. This feeling of being in it together is what you are missing in your relationship.

The fact that the things I do for our family do not, for the most part, earn money, does not make them less valuable, and does not make me the lesser partner. So in your family, you earn and manage the money. That's great. What does your partner do? What is she contributing? Does she take care of your son (a full-time job in itself), do the shopping, cook, clean the house? Anything? Try focusing on what she IS contributing and not what she ISN'T.
if you had read the entire thread , you would know that i have already said that she goes out to work , i work from home and have various interests , i look after our sixteen month old son during the day and have done since she went back to work , i have always done the vast majority of house work , she is a great cook but very laid back about cleaning the house etc

i do not look down on her , stating that someone is terrible with money is not looking down on them , its the truth , some people these days view any criticism of a woman by a man as being unacceptable
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:26 PM
 
6,739 posts, read 7,457,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This is a really tough one. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted before starting your family together? Unless there are really strong reasons on your part not to (bad health, extreme poverty, old age), and you two had agreed on two or more children, I think you should go ahead and have the second. If your marriage is on shaky ground, do NOT have the second - it will not save it, and then there will be two kids to support, and to mess up.

If you guys had talked about only one, or if the first was an oops when you never intended to have kids, then I think it is reasonable for you to say, one's enough.

Think of it this way: Can you deal better with having a second than she can deal with NOT having a second?
when we began going out over four years ago , i told her within six months that i didnt want more than one and that conversation was just made within a hypothetical " how many kids would you like " , when things became serious and we moved in together in early 2015 , i told her i could never see past one child , it was only at the beginning of this year that i told her i would like two but this was a short lived feeling of mine , admittedly it was clumsy of me to tell her i wanted another one , it of course built her hopes up

i would have another one if she agreed we take no expensive breaks away or eat out less etc but she is the type who is not willing to go without , she wants to have her cake and eat it in every way , she often jokes about me buying her a chanel handbag , i would be embarrassed to tell someone my other half had a chanel handbag or that i was the one who bought it , i am the type who views frugality as a philisophical outlook on life , i do not view it as heroic to splash cash left right and centre , i believe in spending spare money on buying stocks or income producing assets , if i had 200k to spare in the morning , i would not buy a high powered sportscar if a gun was put to my head , id buy assets of some kind
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:09 PM
 
5,484 posts, read 3,329,778 times
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The thread was about having one child vs two, but you and your partner have fundamental differences about money and priorities that you should have addressed before having children at all. Frugal person + irresponsible big spender is not the best combination, but it's a little late for that now.

You could try to get on the same page with money. You will have to be the money manager since she clearly can't handle it. Make an agreement that each of you gets "x" amount for personal spending at the beginning of each month, and everything else goes into a communal account for the household. It might help both of you to see the money as "ours" rather than "hers and mine."

Create a budget that explains exactly where all the communal money will go. And work in all the extra costs a second child would create, including saving for education if that is important to you, so she can see just how another child will largely take the place of expensive vacations and eating out. Maybe that would help. Maybe not. If she's as selfish and extravagant as you describe, the relationship is probably doomed anyway. Either she'll become unhappy enough at your nagging and your refusal to provide luxuries that she'll leave, or you'll become so annoyed and frustrated that you do. The fact that she "can't support a child by herself" is really quite irrelevant. If you separate, she'll go to court and get a fat child support order.

In any case, the last thing you should do is bring another child into this mess.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:31 PM
 
6,739 posts, read 7,457,336 times
Reputation: 4166
Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
The thread was about having one child vs two, but you and your partner have fundamental differences about money and priorities that you should have addressed before having children at all. Frugal person + irresponsible big spender is not the best combination, but it's a little late for that now.

You could try to get on the same page with money. You will have to be the money manager since she clearly can't handle it. Make an agreement that each of you gets "x" amount for personal spending at the beginning of each month, and everything else goes into a communal account for the household. It might help both of you to see the money as "ours" rather than "hers and mine."

Create a budget that explains exactly where all the communal money will go. And work in all the extra costs a second child would create, including saving for education if that is important to you, so she can see just how another child will largely take the place of expensive vacations and eating out. Maybe that would help. Maybe not. If she's as selfish and extravagant as you describe, the relationship is probably doomed anyway. Either she'll become unhappy enough at your nagging and your refusal to provide luxuries that she'll leave, or you'll become so annoyed and frustrated that you do. The fact that she "can't support a child by herself" is really quite irrelevant. If you separate, she'll go to court and get a fat child support order.

In any case, the last thing you should do is bring another child into this mess.
the law is biased against men when it comes to relationship - marriage breakdown , im well aware of that , even the way you portray the situation

" if i refuse to provide luxuries , she,ll leave "

is indicative of the present culture where men are seen as there to please women in whatever way they demand , i really fear for my son growing up in many ways , women these days not only want everything , they want men to keep quiet and never have a problem with it either
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:31 PM
Status: "Autumn!" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,881 posts, read 98,615,818 times
Reputation: 31320
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
if you had read the entire thread , you would know that i have already said that she goes out to work , i work from home and have various interests , i look after our sixteen month old son during the day and have done since she went back to work , i have always done the vast majority of house work , she is a great cook but very laid back about cleaning the house etc

i do not look down on her , stating that someone is terrible with money is not looking down on them , its the truth , some people these days view any criticism of a woman by a man as being unacceptable
I certainly don't feel that a man's criticism of a woman is unacceptable, but I do think saying what you've said about her on the www is a bit much.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:37 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
3,425 posts, read 5,737,035 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
hi

ive never posted in this particular section of this site before

anyway , myself and my partner have a sixteen month old boy , he is the best thing to ever happen to either of us , however , i would be content to leave it at that , my partner is upset as she wants another one but would be happy to just have two , i suspect she is hoping for a girl as she has such a close relationship with her own mother

i really have no desire for another child , the only reason i would see having another is that my son would not grow up an only child , you hear stories about how some people who are an only child , end up resenting their parents because of it , i have one brother and three sisters so i cannot imagine what its like not to be raised in an active and noisy home

is it an inherently selfish act towards my son ?
My husband and I decided on having only one child. She loves it. Can you fathom the amount of toys this kid has...all to herself... the amount of attention she gets 24/7... Her grandparents send her stuff on the weekly. No matter how much I beg them to stop. I have a 2 story, 3 bedroom home... She has her own master size bedroom upstairs (2 master room house) plus the second room. Both filled with toys, marker boards, games, tv, radio etc etc. I mean its insane. We were always told "oh you'll want another when shes a little older"... never happen, infact the older she's gotten the less and less I enjoy babies and toddlers. I know the ridiculous amount of work and time they need and being honest I'd rather spend that time on me.. I like my sleep, I like peace and quiet, I like doing what I like when I like it. More than one kid doesn't allow that.

My daughter has her cousins who she sees weekly and the neighborhood kids who she plays with. Shes actually outright annoyed by younger kids and wants nothing to do with them. My husband got a vasectomy after we had her and we don't regret it. Shes homeschooled so we can afford to have her in gymnastics, drama, pottery class and science class. We have memberships to museums and nature centers and clubs... cause we only pay for ONE child. When we go on vacation its only ONE extra ticket..only ONE extra meal to make/buy for.... we are in no way poor but we are both careful with expenses. It helps when we aren't trying to stretch it 5-6 ways.

For the life of me I literally can't see why anyone would want to have more than one.. One is enough aggravation lol. The expenses for clothes and such considering they grow so fast is insane. The school activities we'd have to do when she was in public school, the amount of homework she had, the amount of $ we always had to send in. Forget it.. Multiply that by 3 or 4 and I'd be broke.. Plus we don't like kids that much. My daughter is 8, mostly independent other than things like cooking.. I like it that way and so does she. When she's gone and off to college I'll be gone too. Like don't find me I'll be traveling and living my life. If we had more kids we'd have to put that off longer and longer... no thanks.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:41 PM
 
5,484 posts, read 3,329,778 times
Reputation: 13890
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
the law is biased against men when it comes to relationship - marriage breakdown , im well aware of that , even the way you portray the situation

" if i refuse to provide luxuries , she,ll leave "

is indicative of the present culture where men are seen as there to please women in whatever way they demand , i really fear for my son growing up in many ways , women these days not only want everything , they want men to keep quiet and never have a problem with it either
I'm not saying her attitude and behavior is OK! I think it's appalling, and most women are NOT like that. But the fact of the matter is, you knew how she was when you decided to move in with her and have a child together. Your being in this situation is not the fault of the law or the culture, it's your own fault. The law is just there to say that if you have a child, you're financially responsible for that child (and most likely, her mother too) for the next 18 years.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:45 PM
 
5,484 posts, read 3,329,778 times
Reputation: 13890
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetbottoms View Post
My husband and I decided on having only one child. She loves it. Can you fathom the amount of toys this kid has...all to herself... the amount of attention she gets 24/7... Her grandparents send her stuff on the weekly. No matter how much I beg them to stop. I have a 2 story, 3 bedroom home... She has her own master size bedroom upstairs (2 master room house) plus the second room. Both filled with toys, marker boards, games, tv, radio etc etc. I mean its insane. We were always told "oh you'll want another when shes a little older"... never happen, infact the older she's gotten the less and less I enjoy babies and toddlers. I know the ridiculous amount of work and time they need and being honest I'd rather spend that time on me.. I like my sleep, I like peace and quiet, I like doing what I like when I like it. More than one kid doesn't allow that.

My daughter has her cousins who she sees weekly and the neighborhood kids who she plays with. Shes actually outright annoyed by younger kids and wants nothing to do with them. My husband got a vasectomy after we had her and we don't regret it. Shes homeschooled so we can afford to have her in gymnastics, drama, pottery class and science class. We have memberships to museums and nature centers and clubs... cause we only pay for ONE child. When we go on vacation its only ONE extra ticket..only ONE extra meal to make/buy for.... we are in no way poor but we are both careful with expenses. It helps when we aren't trying to stretch it 5-6 ways.

For the life of me I literally can't see why anyone would want to have more than one.. One is enough aggravation lol. The expenses for clothes and such considering they grow so fast is insane. The school activities we'd have to do when she was in public school, the amount of homework she had, the amount of $ we always had to send in. Forget it.. Multiply that by 3 or 4 and I'd be broke.. Plus we don't like kids that much. My daughter is 8, mostly independent other than things like cooking.. I like it that way and so does she. When she's gone and off to college I'll be gone too. Like don't find me I'll be traveling and living my life. If we had more kids we'd have to put that off longer and longer... no thanks.
Honestly, reading this I'm amazed that you even wanted one child. She may have a lot of "stuff," but she also has a mother who doesn't really like kids, thinks kids are aggravating, resents the expense of having a child, admits she's selfish, and can't wait until her kid is gone and no longer tying her down from living her life. Wow. That's sad.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:57 PM
 
606 posts, read 316,695 times
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Does partner mean girlfriend or wife or something?

But no, don't have more kids if you don't want. It's not selfish, only kiddo will be fine.

Reading through the thread, it really sounds like you guys have a lot of stuff to work through anyways without another little one in the mix.

You don't have to decide now either....wait a few years.

*ETA, I was mostly and only child with a 1/2 sibling nearly 10 years my junior...DH wasn't. There's pros and cons. Ours are 4 years apart and it's great for us, my SIL had them 2 years apart and they can be on the same page more, but they fight and compete constantly.
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Old 12-16-2017, 03:10 PM
 
606 posts, read 316,695 times
Reputation: 819
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetbottoms View Post
My husband and I decided on having only one child. She loves it. Can you fathom the amount of toys this kid has...all to herself... the amount of attention she gets 24/7... Her grandparents send her stuff on the weekly. No matter how much I beg them to stop. I have a 2 story, 3 bedroom home... She has her own master size bedroom upstairs (2 master room house) plus the second room. Both filled with toys, marker boards, games, tv, radio etc etc. I mean its insane. We were always told "oh you'll want another when shes a little older"... never happen, infact the older she's gotten the less and less I enjoy babies and toddlers. I know the ridiculous amount of work and time they need and being honest I'd rather spend that time on me.. I like my sleep, I like peace and quiet, I like doing what I like when I like it. More than one kid doesn't allow that.

My daughter has her cousins who she sees weekly and the neighborhood kids who she plays with. Shes actually outright annoyed by younger kids and wants nothing to do with them. My husband got a vasectomy after we had her and we don't regret it. Shes homeschooled so we can afford to have her in gymnastics, drama, pottery class and science class. We have memberships to museums and nature centers and clubs... cause we only pay for ONE child. When we go on vacation its only ONE extra ticket..only ONE extra meal to make/buy for.... we are in no way poor but we are both careful with expenses. It helps when we aren't trying to stretch it 5-6 ways.

For the life of me I literally can't see why anyone would want to have more than one.. One is enough aggravation lol. The expenses for clothes and such considering they grow so fast is insane. The school activities we'd have to do when she was in public school, the amount of homework she had, the amount of $ we always had to send in. Forget it.. Multiply that by 3 or 4 and I'd be broke.. Plus we don't like kids that much. My daughter is 8, mostly independent other than things like cooking.. I like it that way and so does she. When she's gone and off to college I'll be gone too. Like don't find me I'll be traveling and living my life. If we had more kids we'd have to put that off longer and longer... no thanks.
I feel like there's a lot of misconceptions and projecting here.

I too like my quiet time and sleep...but many children with siblings still have all of those things.

Maybe checkout the, "Fun With Family Fun pack," videos on YouTube. We only have two and they're 4 years apart...we were one and done but didn't get a V in time.

But, watching families like that, they seem so happy and joyful. It's really changed my perspective....if money and DH's age weren't a factor, I could almost have a third or fourth.
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