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Old 12-16-2017, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,638 posts, read 3,297,497 times
Reputation: 12748

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Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
i love her very much but she is a terrible money manager , its a regrettable fact

i recently bought her a car as she was struggling with the loan on the car she bought three years ago , she then sold her own car and cleared off the loan

she is thirty six years old and has almost no savings , so our kids education etc will need to be completely financed by me , its cheaper to fund all this for one than two

might sound hard but these are practical realities
HUH? You're married right? You don't pull your money together as "our money"? Your money is just "yours"?? I get that everyone manages money differently, but this is very hard for me to understand. I've been married almost 17 years and as soon as we got married we had joint accounts. We pull all of our paychecks together and have one budget for ALL the bills. I do not say "this is my car so I will pay for it and you pay for your own car"?? Our money is "ours" and our bills are "ours"! If she does not manage money well then you should controls the family budget and bills, but she should still have a say in the matter. Even if she didn't work that doesn't mean you call all the shots. A marriage doesn't work that way!

I think the fact that you don't want another child is because you have some major marriage problems that need to get worked out! It seems that it all stems from money. To me it sounds like you're letting money get in the way of your marriage, family and happiness. ADVICE.....money isn't everything!

Last edited by CGab; 12-16-2017 at 07:02 PM..
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Old 12-16-2017, 07:15 PM
 
5,489 posts, read 3,341,265 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
HUH? You're married right?
It appears they're not married.

But I agree with everything else you said.
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Old 12-16-2017, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,066 posts, read 3,760,767 times
Reputation: 10032
I’m female and quite frugal. My late husband (I am now remarried) was divorced from a woman who couldn’t save and overspent. It hurt the marriage. They had 2 kids. I came into that marriage with one child. And so, my son was an only child with 2 stepsisters who came into our household every other weekend. All the kids got on very well and enjoyed lots of birthdays, holidays and vacations together. My son is now an adult and he and his wife have one child and their family is complete. That was a decision made by a man who grew up experiencing both the “only” and “brother” aspects of family life.

He’s a loving father, and also loved his stepsisters growing up. But he obviously feels there’s no problem being an only child, since this is what he has established for his own kid.

The important thing is that you and your partner come to resolution on this issue. So your work is really to have a decision agreed upon and both be ok about it. That may take some couples therapy or some other balanced agreement.
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Old 12-16-2017, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Cody, WY
9,174 posts, read 10,104,305 times
Reputation: 18222
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Completely anecdotal information from my own experience. While I have met only children who are well adjusted, I've never met one who was happy that they had no siblings.

This choice has life long ramifications. You're son is 16 months old now. He fills up the house and he's at a very fun age. Thing of him at 9. Glued to his video games. Or at 16, out of the house more than in. When he's home, he'll likely be in his bedroom.

Later, he could marry or partner with a larger family. Pretty much any family will be larger and more fun than yours. He could easily become engulfed in that family. You and your partner will see little of him. I have a feeling she won't be very happy about that.

Then there is the issue of extended family. Your son will have no blood nieces and nephews. You will have fewer grandchildren.

I know this all seems very far off now, but trust me time flies. Suddenly he'll be entering school and will be surrounded by children who have siblings. He will feel the difference and the pain.

You asked my opinion and here you have it.



In my own experience, we waited too long to have our first. When I tried to have a second, I discovered that I had pre-mature ovarian failure. We adopted internationally so that our son would not be an only child.

Have a second. Think about a third. - Just my opinion.
I was very happy as a child not to have siblings. I'm still happy not to have them at the age of 74. I grew up in a quiet and pleasant home. I married a girl who was an only child as well. We had no children but enjoyed a happy marriage until her death forty-two years later.

An only child mostly associates with adults and becomes an adult at an earlier age. An only child has parents who don't need to split time and attention. It's the best.

This is nonsense:
Quote:
He will feel the difference and the pain.
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Old 12-17-2017, 02:24 AM
 
17 posts, read 8,347 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
ADVICE.....money isn't everything!
Easier said than done. Money is usually the source of most issues within a household. Just because you've been fortunate enough to manage through these issues doesn't mean you should chastise someone else for needing to sort through these problems.
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Old 12-17-2017, 03:19 AM
 
6,758 posts, read 7,470,680 times
Reputation: 4176
Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
HUH? You're married right? You don't pull your money together as "our money"? Your money is just "yours"?? I get that everyone manages money differently, but this is very hard for me to understand. I've been married almost 17 years and as soon as we got married we had joint accounts. We pull all of our paychecks together and have one budget for ALL the bills. I do not say "this is my car so I will pay for it and you pay for your own car"?? Our money is "ours" and our bills are "ours"! If she does not manage money well then you should controls the family budget and bills, but she should still have a say in the matter. Even if she didn't work that doesn't mean you call all the shots. A marriage doesn't work that way!

I think the fact that you don't want another child is because you have some major marriage problems that need to get worked out! It seems that it all stems from money. To me it sounds like you're letting money get in the way of your marriage, family and happiness. ADVICE.....money isn't everything!
i expect us to get married at some stage but we will never ever have joint bank accounts , there is no way i would jepradise my sons future by allowing my other half to have access to my money , that is simply being responsible , my mother never had access to my fathers money either , not until he died , were we to split , i would let her have our home however , the courts are so biased against men , i would not waste a red cent fighting this , i have assets worth over a million independent of my house and the house is worth about 200 k

my other half is not financially responsible enough to have access to so much , i really dont care how un PC that sounds , you can love your wife or partner while at the same time understanding they are not fiscally mature

its down to her upbringing and the values she had instilled , i was reared by parents who respected money , she was reared by people who believe you spend every penny you have , the funny thing is they had their own house , were not any worse than lower middle class but all i ever hear about is how money was so tight , this despite her dad never having been out of work and her mother working as a nanny in her spare time
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Old 12-17-2017, 08:53 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, MO
4,009 posts, read 5,162,090 times
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Just my personal opinion...

I am an only child- and while I definitely don't resent my mother for it because I understand the circumstances, I never wanted to have an only child of my own.

While there are some benefits of being an only child, there are definitely a lot of cons- the biggest being the sense of loneliness.
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Old 12-17-2017, 09:00 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, MO
4,009 posts, read 5,162,090 times
Reputation: 4524
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
i expect us to get married at some stage but we will never ever have joint bank accounts , there is no way i would jepradise my sons future by allowing my other half to have access to my money , that is simply being responsible , my mother never had access to my fathers money either , not until he died , were we to split , i would let her have our home however , the courts are so biased against men , i would not waste a red cent fighting this , i have assets worth over a million independent of my house and the house is worth about 200 k

my other half is not financially responsible enough to have access to so much , i really dont care how un PC that sounds , you can love your wife or partner while at the same time understanding they are not fiscally mature

its down to her upbringing and the values she had instilled , i was reared by parents who respected money , she was reared by people who believe you spend every penny you have , the funny thing is they had their own house , were not any worse than lower middle class but all i ever hear about is how money was so tight , this despite her dad never having been out of work and her mother working as a nanny in her spare time
You are talking as if you expect to split up (or get divorced when you do get married).

There is clearly a lack of trust and communication in your relationship, and different values. I appreciate that you 'love' her, but this raises a lot of red flags.

I rescind my above comment in your case, as I probably wouldn't rush to have anymore children if I were you, as judging from this, there are some problems in your relationship that you need to overcome first.

Please take this as constructive criticsm and not an attack ♡
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Old 12-17-2017, 09:25 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,476 posts, read 63,968,399 times
Reputation: 68172
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
my other half is very demanding , she sulks when she doesnt get her own way , i understand why she is this way , her own mother is exactly the same , i do love her very much despite all this ! , i also dont believe in there being a special person for everyone , no one is without traits you will dislike , i told her when we first met that i could not see past a first child , a year ago however i told her i did want another one , i thought i did at the time , she has only been talking about trying for another very recently so the subject wasnt coming up , i told her people are allowed to change their mind , that view evolve but she claims its too big of an issue to change your mind on

my partner could never support one child let alone two , she is terrible with money though does and has always had a job , i am the real bread winner so when it comes to an extra child , all the pressure is really on me , this is incredibly un PC but i really do believe i have the right to have the final say on most things , im a hundred times wealthier than my other half
OP, if there truly is an affordability issue, that should carry some weight. There's a reason people are advised to look for a partner who shares their money management style. Those who are fiscally disciplined will sooner or later run into problems with a partner who is undisciplined. It sounds like your income is sufficient to handle your wife's spending habits, and even the expenses relating to raising one child, but you're wary of taking on the expense of a second child? Or is that an excuse to exert the upper hand in the argument? Only you can answer that question honestly.

The first thing that jumped out at me in your first post was that you "suspect" she wants a girl. It sounds like you don't have good communication with your wife. You don't know her thoughts on this important matter. Or perhaps you two have been at loggerheads over it to the point that she hasn't shared her thoughts with you. It doesn't seem like a good sign that she sulks when she doesn't get what she wants, but you knew this going into the marriage, and have accepted it. We'll see if this ends up tearing you two apart. If you insist on only one child, she may hold it against you for the rest of the marriage, however long that may last (hint, hint). Or she may decide to have an "oops"; you know, the "sorry, dear, the birth control seems to have mysteriously failed" routine. If you really don't want a 2nd child, you'll have to take birth control into your own hands.

You need to consider the consequences of digging in your heels on this matter.
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Old 12-17-2017, 12:26 PM
 
6,758 posts, read 7,470,680 times
Reputation: 4176
Quote:
Originally Posted by glamatomic View Post
You are talking as if you expect to split up (or get divorced when you do get married).

There is clearly a lack of trust and communication in your relationship, and different values. I appreciate that you 'love' her, but this raises a lot of red flags.

I rescind my above comment in your case, as I probably wouldn't rush to have anymore children if I were you, as judging from this, there are some problems in your relationship that you need to overcome first.

Please take this as constructive criticsm and not an attack ♡
i take it as sound honest advice

thank you
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